by Liliana Hart
“You shouldn’t love me,” I reasoned. “I’m selfish and I killed you, albeit accidentally, and I’m wearing orange.”
“I can fix that,” he offered meekly. “Would that make you loooooooove meeeee?”
I felt nauseous and it wasn’t from all the crap I’d shoved in my mouth while driving to meet my destiny. The little disgusting piece of fur had feelings for me. Feelings I didn’t even come close to deserving or returning. And now to make matters worse, he was offering to magic me some clothes…If I said yes, it was a win-win. I’d get new clothes and he’d think I loved him. Asshats on fire, what in the hell was love anyway?
“Um...I would seem kind of shallow if I traded my love for clothes,” I mumbled as I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep from declaring my worthless love in exchange for non-orange attire.
“Well, youuuuuu are somewhat superficial, but that’s not alllllllll your fault,” Fabio said as he squished a little closer and placed the furry side of his head in my lap.
“Thank you, I think.” A compliment was a compliment, no matter how insulting.
“You’re most welcome,” he purred. “How would you know what loooooove is? Your mother was a hooooooker and your poor father was in the darrrrrk about your existence most of your liiiiiiiife.”
“My mother was loose,” I admitted, “but she did the best she could. However, my father, whoever the motherfuck he is, just took off after he knocked up my mom. And P.S.—I’m the only one allowed to call my mom a hooker. As nice as the fable was you told me about my dad…it’s bullshit.”
“Noooooooo, actually it’s not,” Fabio said as he lifted his piercing green eyes to mine.
“Do you know the bastard?” I demanded, noticing for the first time how our eyes matched. That wasn’t uncommon. Most familiars took on the traits of their witches, but I wished he hadn’t taken on mine. It would make it much harder to pawn the thing off on someone else if he looked too much like me.
“I knoooooow of him.”
“So where the hell is he if he knows about me now?” My eyes narrowed dangerously and blue sparks began to cover my arms.
Fabio quickly backed away in fear of getting crispy. “Asssssssssss the story goes, a spell was cast on him by your moooooother when he learned of your existence. From what I’ve heard he’s been trying to break the spellllllllll by doing penance.”
I rolled my eyes and laughed. “How’s that working out for the assmonkey?”
“Apparently not veeeeeeery well if he hasn’t shown himself yet.”
I considered Fabio’s fairytale and wished for a brief moment it was true. Maybe my father didn’t know about me. I always thought he didn’t want me. That’s what my mom had said. Of course she was certifiable and I’d left her house the moment I’d turned eighteen, but I did love her in the same way a dog still loved the owner who kicked them.
Fabio’s story was utter crap, but it was sweet that he cared. Other than Winnie and Baba Yopaininmyass, not many did.
“Where did you learn all that fiction?” I asked as I eased the lime green piece of dog poo back onto the road before the police showed up and mistook me for an escaped convict.
“Yourrrrrrrr file,” he answered as he dug his claws into the strap of the seat belt and pulled it across his mangled body. “Evvvvvvery familiar gets a file on their witch.”
“Here, let me,” I said as I pulled the strap and clicked it into the lock. “Was there anything else interesting in my file?” The damn cat knew more about me than I did.
“Nothing I caaaaaan share.”
I pursed my lips so I wouldn’t swear at him—hard but doable. I wanted info and I knew how to get it. “What if I reattached your ear? Would you tell me one thing you’re not supposed to?” I bargained.
“I’mmmmm missssssssing an ear?” he shrieked, aghast.
“Yep, I flicked it under the seat so you wouldn’t flip.”
His breathing became erratic and I worried he would heave a hairball or something worse. “Yesssssss, reattach it, please.”
I opened my senses, and let whatever magic Baba Yasshole had let me keep, flow through me. Light purple healing flames covered my arms, neck and face. Fabio’s ear floated up from under the passenger seat and drifted to his head. As it connected back, I had a thought. It was selfish and not…
“Hey Fab, do you mind if I fill in the fur on your face?” It would be so much easier to look at the little bastard if I didn’t see raw cat skin.
“Ohhhhhhhhhh my, I’m missing fur?” He was positively despondent. Clearly he hadn’t looked in a mirror since his resurrection.
“Um, it’s just a little,” I lied. “I can fix it up in a jiff.”
“Thhhhhhank you, that would be loooovely.”
The magic swirled through me. It felt so good. The pokey had blocked Winnie and I from using magic and I’d missed it terribly. The silky warm purple mist skimmed over Fabio’s body and the hair reappeared. Without his permission I unflattened his midsection, reshaped his head and uncranked his tail. It was the least I could do since I’d caused it in the first place.
“There. All better,” I told him and glanced over to admire my handiwork. He looked a lot better. He was still a bit mangy, but that was how he’d always been. At least he no longer looked like living road kill. “Your turn.”
“Your Aunt Hildy was your father’s sissssssster and she wasssss freakin’ crazy,” he hissed with disgust.
“You knew her?”
“Ahh no, but sheeeeeee was legendary,” he explained.
“Why the hell did she leave me her house?” I asked, hoping for some more info. I’d already assumed she was my deadbeat dad’s sister. I wanted something new.
“I suppose you will take ooooover for her,” Fabio informed me as he lifted and extended his leg so he could lick his balls.
“Get your mouth off your crotch while we’re having a conversation,” I snapped.
“Youuuuu would do it if youuuuuu could,” he said.
“Probably,” I muttered as I zoomed past six cars driving too slow for my mood. “But since I can’t, you’re not allowed to either.”
“Can I dooooooo it in private?” he asked.
“Um, sure. Now tell me what crazy old Aunt Hildy did for a living so I know what I’m getting into here.”
“No clue,” Fabio said far too quickly.
“You know, I could run your feline ass over again,” I threatened.
“Yeeeeeep, but I have six lives left.”
“That’s just fucking great.”
Chapter Three
“What the fu…? I’m naked,” I screamed somewhere around mile marker thirtytwowhatthehell in Pennsylvania. “What are you doing?”
“Trying to give youuuu a new outfiiiiit,” Fabio whined as he turned away in horror.
I was unsure if I was more pissed that I was naked in the driver’s seat of a lime green Kia or the fact that he clearly found me heinous to look at.
“You know,” I ground out through clenched teeth, “most people consider me hot.”
“Yessssssss, well, I’m a cat and I find yoooooour nudity allllaaaarming.”
“Then dress me,” I snapped. “In something really cute and expensive to make up for insulting my exposed knockers.”
“Your knockers are looooovely, but it’s not apppppppropriate for me to ogle your undraaaaaped body.” He was a freakin’ wreck.
“Is that against some kind of witch/familiar law?” I demanded as I looked down at myself. I looked good. Witches had crazy fast metabolisms and all of us were stupidly pretty.
“Yessssssss,” he said as he twitched uncomfortably in his seat.
“Naked here,” I reminded him.
The car filled with magic so quickly I gasped and held on to the steering wheel with all my might. The little fucker was strong. Who knew he had so much magic stored up in his mangy little carcass? A heat covered my body and I swerved to miss a semi truck.
“For the love of the Godd
ess,” I shouted. “Hurry up or we’re going to die here.”
“Do youuuu want paaaaants or a skirt?” he asked.
“At the moment I’m not picky. I’m panicked. Just make sure it’s not orange and I’ll be happy.”
“Assssss youuuu wish.”
The magic receded as quickly as it had begun. I was too shaken to even look down to see if I was dressed. I was getting rid of him as soon as I could. He was a fucking menace—not that I was a prize—but an imbalanced cat was more insanity than even I could handle.
“Dooooo you liiiike it?” he asked with an absurd amount of pride in his voice.
“I’ll tell you in an hour when I get up the courage to look down. Where in the hell did you get so much magic? Familiars are not supposed to be stronger than their witches.”
“I’m nooooot stronger,” he insisted. “Youuuuu are stronger thaaaaan you know.”
“Well, at the moment I’m not. Boobah Yumpa has me running on half a tank,” I told him. “It’s part of my punishment for killing you.”
“Buuuuut I’m not deeeeead,” he replied logically.
He was correct, but Butthole Yaga never changed her mind. Ever. It was actually something I liked about her, though I would never tell her. I’d grown up so horrendously, any female authority figure who had semi-sane rules was appealing to me.
“Yeah, she doesn’t cave easily.”
“You’re wearing Maaaaax Midnight jeans and a vintage Minnie Mouuuuuse t-shirt with hot piiiink combat boots,” he said.
That gave me pause. Hot pink combat boots were beyond awesome and Max Midnight jeans cost seven hundred dollars a pop. My freakin’ cat had good taste. Maybe I’d keep him a little while longer.
“Are you serious?”
“Yessssss. I can change you iiiiif that diiispleases you.”
“NO,” I shouted. I wasn’t sure if we would live through another change, plus if what he said was true I was a very happy camper. I glanced down and sighed with joy and relief. He was true to his word and I looked hot. “I like it.”
His purr was cute until I looked over at him and noticed he was going for his nut sack again. “What did I tell you about that?” I glared at him in disgust.
“Sooooorrry,” he whispered contritely. “Habit.”
“Well Fabio, you’re going to have to break that one or I’ll get you neutered.”
“Youuuuuuu wouldn’t.” He gasped and crossed his little kitty legs over his jewels.
“Try me.”
That shut him up for about five minutes and seven seconds.
“Are weeeeeeee there yet?”
“No.”
“How much looooooonger?”
“I don’t know.”
“More thaaaaaan two hours?”
“No clue.”
“More than three hooooouuuuurs?”
I bit down on my bottom lip so I didn’t shout a spell at him that would permanently destroy his voice box. I was certain that wouldn’t go over well with Booboo Yoogu.
“Willllllll it be soooooon?”
“Fabio?”
“Yesssssss, Zelda?”
“Lick your balls.”
“Reallllllllly?” He was so excited I cringed.
“Yes really, but get in the back seat. However, if I hear any slurping or purring I will throw your furry ass out of the window and leave you there. Are we clear?”
“Duuuuuly noted.”
He jumped in the back seat and we had a peaceful ride the rest of the way there.
Aunt Hildy’s house sat high on a hill and was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. It was a white Victorian with a wraparound porch and turrets. Wild flowers covered the grounds and the trees blazed with color. A few major drawbacks kept me from screaming with joy at my good fortune. It was located in the middle of nowhere. Since we had little to no supplies we trekked to town. The closest town, if you could call it that, was a half an hour away and consisted of Main Street. The town square was dominated by a statue of a cement bear missing one side of his head. The rest of the block included a barbershop, hardware store, gas station and a mom and pop grocery. Awesome.
We made a quick stop at the gas station and I gassed up the Kia with a credit card, probably stolen, that Fabio happened to have and then went to the grocery. I winced at the rotting fruit and vegetables and headed for the frozen and canned aisles. Ten frozen pizzas, two tubs of ice cream, and fifteen cans of brand-less spaghetti later I got in line at the checkout behind the hottest guy I’d ever seen. What in the hell was the Goddess’s gift to women doing in Buttcrack, West Virginia? Maybe this place wasn’t so bad…
His ass in his jeans was enough to make my mouth water and he smelled like heaven. Nine months in the magic pokey were enough to make any girl horny, but this guy was something else. I made a couple of girly sounds hoping to get his attention, but failed—so I touched his butt. Not grabbed—kind of brush-touched accidently on purpose.
“You could have asked first,” a deep sexy voice informed me without even turning around.
“I’m sorry,” I said politely to his back. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You could have requested to cop a feel of my ass.” He turned around and I almost dropped to the floor. He wasn’t just pretty, he was redonkulous gorgeous. Dark wavy hair, blue eyes, lashes that belonged on a girl, a body to die for and a face that would make the Angels weep. Oh. My. Hell.
“It was in my way. Consider yourself lucky. I almost slapped it.”
His laugh went all the way to my woowoo and I was certain I crushed the can of Spaghettios I was clutching.
“Well, beautiful girl,” he drawled in a Southern accent that made my brain short out, “I’d suggest you watch your ass. If it gets in my way I’ll do much more than slap it.”
“Promise?” I challenged.
He considered me for a long moment and then winked. “Promise.”
I held on to the counter as I watched him walk out of the store and realized I didn’t even know his name. Whatever. I didn’t need to get into any messy relationship. Hell, I’d never maintained a relationship in my life. I’d always had lots of boyfriends, but the minute it got serious I was out of there. Fast. Plus, I rarely dated mortals. Mr. Fine Ass didn’t really look like relationship material. However, he did look like awesome one or two or three night stand material... Crap. I supposed I’d have to grocery shop on a regular basis. I grabbed my bags and went back to my new reality.
“Diiiiid you get my pasta?” Fabio inquired. He’d moved back to the front seat as he was clearly done attending to his gonads.
“Yep.”
“Annnnd fresh tomatoes, baaaaasil and garlic?”
“Yep.” He’d find out soon enough he was going to be eating Spaghettios. That was the price he’d have to pay for cleaning his Johnson for three hours, plus the fresh stuff would have killed him more certainly than my car had. “You ready to check out our new digs?”
“Asssss ready as I’ll ever beeeeeee,” he said with disgust.
“I’m not really buying that you didn’t know Hildy,” I said dryly. “You seem to be having an awful lot of issues here.”
“It’s heeeeer reputation,” he shot back. “I don’t liiiike this.”
“Well buddy, neither do I, but if I don’t figure out why I’m here Buttcrack Yoogiemamma will turn me into a mortal on Halloween. So we’re going to the house and we are going to fucking like it. You got it?”
“Yesssssss,” he answered morosely. “Gooot it.”
Chapter Four
“Oh my Goddess,” I screeched. “What’s not to like?”
The house was as beautiful on the inside as it was on the outside. Overstuffed comfy furniture and Persian rugs covered shiny hardwood floors. Windows stretched from the floor to the ceiling and the house was bathed with autumn sunshine. The ornate crown molding was divine and the stone fireplace was to die for. The kitchen table was a distressed oak and seated at least twelve. The appliances
were top of the line and there was a fully stocked wine fridge. Aunt Hildy was all right in my book.
Upstairs consisted of seven bedrooms all with king sized beds and gorgeous down quilts. The colors were calming and comfortable. However, foremost in my mind was how she died. That thought did not calm me.
“Hey Fabio, I’m coming back downstairs. If you’re licking your sack you better stop now,” I warned. I thought it was very kind of me to give him a heads up. He was lounging on the sofa looking very guilty.
“Hiiiiiiiii,” he said with an embarrassed chuckle.
I decided to ignore his obsession with his dangly bits and move on to more important matters. “Do you have any idea how Aunt Hildy died?”
He sat silently and stared.
“Do you like your testes?” I asked politely.
“Yesssssss.”
“Then start talking, feline.”
“It is unknoooooown, but her body is missing,” he replied warily.
“You know this from my file?” I inquired.
“Possssssibly.”
“Um, she was a witch I assume…”
“Don’t assssssume. Makes an asssssss out of youuuu and meeeeee.”
“Oh my Goddess,” I bellowed and accidently set a table on fire with my fury. “Was she a witch or not?” I quickly chanted a water spell to put out the flames before I burned my new house down.
“Yesssssss.”
Now we were getting somewhere. “Did she break Council laws?”
“Not as far as I knooooow. I have told you alllllll that was in the fiiiile.”
I wasn’t sure I believed him, but it would do for now. “I wonder where her body is.”
“In Helllllll?”
“All right,” I yelled. “Give it up, you little shit. You knew her. Didn’t you?”
“Fiiiiine. Yes, I kneeeeeew her, but I haven’t seeeeen her in years.”
“How many?” I demanded.
“A huuuundred or so.”
That shut me up. I had no freakin’ clue cats lived so long. “How old are you?”
“Two hundred and threeeeeeeeee.”
“Were you her familiar?”
