by Ali Parker
Well, I didn't want another hit unless it was her.
Stars exploded across my vision as I groaned out her name over and over and over again.
I had to assume Izabella left. She wasn't around when I stumbled to the kitchen, half drunk and fully sated an hour later. Shame. I was in the mood for something to eat. Girls were good for that stuff. I laughed at myself. Deza would kick me in the ass for even thinking it.
Now I had to remember to say it around her.
"That would be fucking awesome. Sort of." I stopped beside the stove and sunk to the kitchen floor. It wasn't the bed, but it would do for the night.
Chapter 5
Riley
My hands shook as I buttoned the front of my black dress. Something about funeral homes and caskets and tombstones left me unraveled. The fact that I was going to bury my mother in an hour was beyond comprehensible, but to know that she was going to be laid to rest next to my older brother...
"Hey. You ready to go?" Charlotte poked her head into the bathroom where I stood.
"Yeah. Sure." I reached for a tube of pink lipstick and put a little on my lips, not wanting to overdo it too much. The dark circles under my eyes had been a bitch to cover up, but somehow between me and Char, we'd done it.
"I'm going to be right beside you, okay? Jace is too. He's meeting us there." She gave me a quick hug and reached up to reposition the gold charm necklace on my neck. "Let's get some ice cream after this. I think we're going to need it a lot over the next few months."
"Me too." I moved around her and picked up my small black purse. Numbness had settled around me, and I wanted to question everything, but I couldn't. I had no voice, no feelings, no anything. It was as if a void existed around me, and I was grateful for it. Of the various questions I had, the one that kept returning was why Ethan hadn't even called. It was just a phone call. It would have said that he cared. Even as a friend. Was that too much to ask?
I was supposed to be angry about it, but I had nothing to give. Not even for the great Ethan Lewis.
"I talked to the funeral director this morning and I guess your mom has a sister that has a daughter that wants to sing something?" Charlotte gave me an odd look as we walked out the door and down to her car.
"My cousin, Patricia. She's an opera singer in New York. She's actually really good." I got in the car and buckled up.
"And you're okay with her singing? I told him that I figured you would be, but I would ask just to make sure before we started the service."
"I don't really care." I leaned back and glanced out the window beside me. I didn't want any part of the funeral and would have skipped it if I could have done so without guilt. My mom was long gone. I believed Jace about her being in a better place. The day was about wallowing in sorrow, and I'd done that quite efficiently over the last few days in the darkness of my bedroom. I couldn't see how doing it again in front of the people who showed up would help any of us.
"I love you. I'm right here if you want to talk." She squeezed my hand as I closed my eyes.
"Thanks," I whispered. There was no way I could give credence to my fears. Even though my mother had been running the roads and acting a fool for the last year, I still had her. It was an odd instability to know that she was gone. She probably never could have provided for me with her drug problem and lack of any resources, but it didn't matter. Something about knowing that she was out there left me feeling okay. Secure in an odd way. Now there was nothing. No one. It was a weird place to be at twenty-two.
We drove in silence the rest of the way, and I watched the world go by outside my window as silence filled my head. I didn't have to think about anything or talk to anyone, and I didn't plan on doing either. I could stay wrapped up in my shell until the anger broke through. It wouldn't be long. I could feel it beating against the cocoon I'd created. A day or two at most and I'd be lost to the fury associated with an unfair draw of the cards.
Life sucked... at least mine did.
***
Jace appeared beside me in the pew as the minister got up and walked to the front to begin his spiel. I turned and pressed my cheek against his shoulder, taking in how good he looked in a suit.
"Hey, baby." He leaned down and kissed the side of my forehead.
"You're almost late." I turned back to face the front and swallowed hard as various pictures of my mother moved across the screens above. Charlotte had to have turned the pictures into the funeral home. I'd been too emotionally lost to do anything. Either her or my Aunt Debbie. I'd spent a few minutes before taking my seat to reconnect with all of them. It was good to see them, though I figured this would be the last time. They were private people and incredibly religious. They didn't take too kindly to drugs, alcohol or wild women. My mom having been deeply invested in all three vices. She'd been kicked out of the family around the time I was two. I couldn't remember much about any of it, but after my dad left the picture, she'd gone to her folks for help.
That hadn't gone exactly as planned.
"Friends, we're here today to celebrate the life and contributions of Emily Danielle Phillips. She is proceeded in death by-"
I tuned the world out as I sat up and scooted closer to Jace. He wrapped his arm around the back of my shoulders and held me tightly as the realism of the event hit me square in the chest. I glanced toward the casket, only able to see the top of my mother’s face, her button nose and perfect eyebrows catching my attention.
Sorrow swirled from the center of my chest down my legs, out my arms, up my throat, tightening my veins and closing down my lungs. The room seemed to grow dark, and I had to move or surely I would die sitting there.
"I can't... I can't do this," I whispered softly and got up, stumbling past Jace and moving out into the aisle. I ignored the stares of everyone around me, including Deza and Frank, who I didn't know were there.
I walked out into the foyer as my heart ruptured with pain. The gasp that left me sounded like someone coming up from the belly of the ocean in search of life. My legs crumbled beneath me and I reached out, grabbing at the dark gray blur in front of me. I tried to scream to let some of the pain rip from my insides, but nothing came out but loud, horrible sobs. I clung to the poor man in front of me and pressed my face against his neck as I let my soul bleed.
"Shhhhh... it's all right. I'm here. I'm not going to let you go, okay?"
Jace? Frank? My father?
I continued to cry, locked in the battle of a lifetime of hurts as I processed everything that had happen over the last few years with losing my older brother. My mother turning to drugs and her nasty asshole boyfriends to pull her through. My life becoming my own at seventeen and having to get a job and keep the house together as best I could.
"Riley. Come on, baby. Come back to me." Strong hands gripped my face as I turned toward someone wearing black.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I whispered hoarsely and prayed that I wasn't interrupting the funeral. I hadn't meant to. "I'm too loud, aren't I?"
"No. Not at all. Let it out." More hands on me, rubbing my back, running through my hair.
"There you are." Charlotte. I would know her voice anywhere. I turned toward her and sunk into her arms as I let the last of my anguish race from me. Where it had all come from or why it had built up to the point of exploding in the middle of my mother's beautiful funeral was beyond me.
"Let's get you home. You don't need to do any more of this. You were here and that's all that mattered." Charlotte turned me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders as I wiped at my tears.
I glanced to my left to see Jace in his pressed black suit move up to take most of my weight on him.
"Thank you," I whispered toward him.
"My purse. Fuck. I'll be right back. Take her to the car." Charlotte turned around and left us as she walked back toward the sanctuary.
Jace pulled me against him and cupped my face. "I'll always be here for you." He leaned down and kissed my lips softly before kissing my eyes, my nose, my c
heeks.
I clung to him, needing his warmth more than I could ever remember needing it before.
"Don't leave me," I whimpered and buried my face against his chest.
"Never, baby. Never." He kissed the top of my head before his voice changed. "Hey man. Thanks for coming. You got here just at the right time, right?"
"Yeah, no problem. Is she-" Ethan.
I glanced up and wiped at my eyes, not quite sure what to think about him coming after not having called all week.
"I'm okay. Just trying to get out of my own head." I kept my arms around Jace, but gave Ethan my attention. "Thank you for coming."
"I wanted to call, but wasn't sure you really needed to chat with anyone." He reached out to touch my face and let his hand drop. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna go in there now. I'll check on you later." He turned his attention toward Jace. "Take care of her."
"I have been most of my life. That shit is not changing now." He extended his hand and shook Ethan's before returning his attention to me. "You ready to get back to the apartment?"
"I think so." I pressed my cheek to his chest and turned my eyes toward the door.
Ethan glanced back and studied me with pain on his handsome face. It should have been him holding me. We both knew it, but it wasn't. I gave him a sad smile and he nodded, like he understood my thoughts clearly. We weren't meant to be anything but good friends. We'd let lust jack us all over the place without even trying to fight against it.
Lust or love? Love would have called. Would have come. Would have sacrificed everything to be the one holding me in the lobby.
It wasn't love. It was lust. It was fun and felt so damn good when it was happening, but in a moment of true need... it never showed up.
Chapter 6
Ethan
I glanced back one more time before ducking into the sanctuary. Some lady a little older than me was singing Amazing Grace. I stopped beside the pew where Frank and Deza sat. They moved over and I took a seat next to Frank.
Deza leaned across him, her cheeks stained with tears, her eyes wide as if frightened. "Did you see Riley?"
"Yeah. She's going home." I brushed my fingers by my lips and sat back as the image of her losing her shit in the foyer washed over me. I'd arrived just in time to catch her as she hit the ground. Never in my life had I wanted to offer someone anything I had to bring them back from their misery. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that it should have been me taking her home instead of Jace.
I should have scooped her up as she fell and jogged out to my car. We could have spent the afternoon sleeping in my big comfy bed in the darkness, holding each other and me letting her see a side of me that even I wasn't sure existed. Though I'd never shown that part of me outside the setting of a movie, it felt real - alive - needy to be seen, to be acknowledged and loved by someone.
No. By her.
"I feel sick over knowing it's her momma up there," Deza whispered softly and leaned back.
I nodded, but was already lost to my thoughts of holding her, kissing along her shoulders and up her back as I ran my fingers over her skin softly, whispering that I would be there when the sun came up. The movie played out in full by the time Frank nudged me to stand. The service was over.
What was interesting was that we never made love, in the drama in my head, we never had sex. It was better than any sex I'd ever experienced, and yet all I'd done is touch her, kiss her, whisper encouragement to her.
"Ethan, really?" Deza leaned around Frank as her eyes adverted toward my crotch.
I glanced down, not realizing how hard I was over the idea of taking care of Riley.
"Shit," I whispered and reached out, grabbed D's purse. "Yeah, I'll carry this for you."
"Do I even wanna know why you're turned on by a funeral?" She moved around Frank, looking like the big sister in my life that wanted to kick my ass all over the lawn. "I'm going to get you counseling if you don't lie and help me believe it's something in your head and not this shit."
I glanced around and turned to move out of the pew. I wasn't answering her question with a dignified response. She knew it was something in my head. I was a little off, but not nearly as off as she was making me seem. At least I hoped like hell I wasn't.
The guy at the door nodded toward me as I walked out of the funeral home and into the late afternoon sunlight. It was beautiful in the spring in L.A., but the events of the last few days had me wanting to hide out under my sheets and let someone else enjoy nature.
"Hey. Where are you going?" Deza grabbed my arm and pulled.
"I'm going back to my house. I don't owe you an answer on why I was turned on. The fact that you think it had something to do with the funeral is fucked up, and you know it." I pulled my arm from her.
"I'm coming with you." She jogged to catch up to me. "I didn't think that. I'm sorry, all right?"
I glanced down at her as she slipped her hand over my forearm and moved closer. We looked like the average couple to most that would walk by. I stopped by my Mercedes and gripped her hand as she tried to pull from me to walk around to the other side.
"I'm headed out to Liam's. You know you can't stand him. I'll call you later, all right?"
"Okay. You sure you're not mad at me?" She pressed her hand to my chest and cupped her free hand over her eyes.
"Since when do you care if I'm mad at you?" I chuckled.
"Since I know you've been struggling with everything lately. I don't want to be part of what has you crawling into a dark room and locking the door on all of us for a few days."
"That does sound like bliss." I pulled my keys from my pocket. "I'm falling in love with Riley. She crumbled in the lobby and I caught her. I got turned on at the idea of simply taking care of her." I shrugged and ignored the stern look on Deza's pretty face. "It's nothing. Just me playing 'house' in my fucked up head."
"Ethan." She took a step back as I opened the door and got in.
"Nope. Don't right now. I need the visual I have of what life could look like. It might just be a good dramatization that belongs in a movie, but I want to play dumb and think it could happen. Check you later, chickie."
"All right. Be safe and don't-"
"Do anything stupid, I know. Count on it. Me and stupid are good friends, and my brother..."
"Is stupid. I know. Call me later." She wrapped her arms around herself and backed up as a sexy smile played on her mouth.
"You sure you don't wanna come be the object of our combined lust? Could be hot?"
"I'd rather mop the floor with my tongue."
"That could be interesting." I lifted my eyebrow before laughing and closing my door. She was only trying to do what was best for me. Now I just had to remember that as she continued to cock-block me from not only Riley, but from myself.
***
"Hey buddy!" Liam opened the door to his elaborate mansion and moved back with a big smile on his face. "You look like shit."
"You say that a little too often, asshole." I smiled and pulled him into a quick hug.
"It's the truth. I owe you that if nothing else." He patted my back and closed the door. His black hair and dark eyes left him looking nothing like me, but it was probably for the best. The last thing I needed in town was a doppelgänger, especially one that acted as poorly as my older brother did.
"You remember my best friend from school, Cole?"
"Matthenson?" I walked down the hall as the sound of the TV filled up the hallway.
"Yeah. He and his brother, Ian, own a security company in San Doggie. They're in the middle of some shit right now, but I told him to come up for a day to get away from everything. He's a hot mess. Headed toward divorce with Cindy."
"Do I know Cindy?" I whispered back as we entered into the kitchen. Liam shook his head and walked toward the big guy nursing a beer at his kitchen table.
"Hey man. You remember my little brother, Ethan, right?" Liam stopped beside the guy as he glanced over his shoulder and nodded at me.
"Your
brother is the next James Bond, idiot. Of course I know him. Everyone does." He stood and extended his hand to me. The thin bony kid that looked like he was always scrapping for a meal was long gone. The dude in front of me looked like something out of a special ops group. Dark brown hair cut close to the scalp, tanned skin and a mean ass look on his face that warned anyone that came around, this fucker wasn't buying anything, including Girl Scout cookies.
"Hey man. Good to see you again. It's been a while." I shook his hand and turned to grab a beer from the fridge.
"You ready for another, Cole?" Liam followed me into the kitchen as his friend grunted a response I didn't hear. Didn't care to either. I wasn't his waitress, but it was cute that my brother was. "So what's going on? You still suffering over that hot little piece of ass they hired to work next to you?"
"Yep." I got a beer and popped the top off of it. "Her mother died in an accident and the funeral was this morning."
"Hence the monkey suit." He reached out and tugged at the lapel of my suit jacket. "Hey, what happened with Izabella the other day? I haven't heard anything from her."
"That's because you pimped her out." I chuckled. "Why would she call you? Jackass."
"Don't be jealous that I have a new business in the making." He pushed at my cheek as Cole walked into the kitchen.
"Selling women is illegal. Ain't that right, Cole?" I moved over a little as Liam turned to face his childhood bestie.
"Yep, but none of my business." The big guy ran his hand over the top of his head. "Women are trouble, nothing else. My brother is locked in the game of his life right now over a pretty girl with big blue eyes and a perfect rack."
"Here, here." I lifted my beer toward him and tapped it against the side of his as he tilted it toward me. "I say we gather all of them up and spank them."
"I'm in." Liam moved toward the fridge as he mumbled something incoherent.
