Though we didn’t know each other, I flung my arms around Havard, making sure not to cut him with the knife I still had clutched in my hand. “Thank you. Whatever the ‘victor-gas dad scold’ gift is, thank you for trying to make life better for me. In another life, I think we would’ve grabbed a burger and shot the breeze together, like actual friends with lots of fun things to talk about.” I squeezed him tight, and felt him press a kiss into my hair. “I’m sorry we won’t have that.”
“Now, daughter,” Havard said, his voice hoarse. “Your vatten liv has almost worn off. Put me to rest, and take your Tom to the surface with my blessing.”
“Okay. Thank you.” I kissed his cheek and wrapped one arm around his neck as I poised the blade to his chest.
He adjusted it over his heart again. “Here. Don’t hesitate. Let me be at peace.” He leaned his head to mine. “If there is another life beyond this one, I should like to ‘grab that burger’ with you and have whole lifetimes of conversation.”
I can’t imagine what there was left of my soul at this point, but as I screamed through the first inch of the blade piercing Havard, I felt part of myself crumble. I sobbed as he shuddered, his blood pouring out over my hands and stringing out into the blackness of the water, bathing me in the blood I’d shed.
As he faded in my arms, the light in his stomach migrated upward and flickered around the blade. With one final cry, I drove the knife in to the hilt, weeping and hating myself as he breathed his last into my hair.
His light went out, and then there was darkness. Nothing but the suffocating black that seeped into my soul and threatened to root me to the abyss.
Twenty-One.
Guilt
It was the first time I was truly grateful for the stars on my arms. They led me to Jens, who was still sleeping. I felt my breaths grow shallower as I lifted him, swimming us up toward the surface. I moved slowly, so as not to explode our eardrums or something equally awful.
By the time my head broke the water, I was nearly out of air. The problem was that I was far from the edge. “Help! Jamie!” I cried, pulling Jens’s head just barely above the water level. Jamie had dove in earlier, but resurfaced when he couldn’t find us.
Tucker’s strokes sliced hard into the river, punishing every inch that separated us. I surrendered Jens to him, and then dropped beneath the surface as my arms failed me. Jamie reached me just in time, offering his steady body as a buoy to cling to. I shivered as the crisp night air hit me, but Jamie didn’t let go. “I’ve got you. It’s okay, syster. I’m here.”
I was wrecked. I bawled into Jamie’s neck as he swam us to the shore. “He made me do it!” My plea for clemency tugged at my insides. “I didn’t want to do that!”
“I know. I saw the whole death. Well, most of it. You shut me out for parts,” Jamie said between strokes.
I made my biggest effort to shove Havard’s arv and protection on me as far from my mind as possible. If Jamie and I were able to break the bond, I would have the space to be able to deal with that mess then.
When we finally reached the shore, I flopped on the grass like the useless waif I was and let the waves of emotion and exhaustion wash over me and pin me down. As soon as Jamie caught his breath, he scooped me up in his strong arms, holding me to his bare, hairy chest.
“No! I don’t need it!” I struggled away, crawling over to the mountain to weep by my lonesome. I didn’t need a guy who couldn’t handle being nice to me without questioning his upright morals in doing so. A conditional “there for me” was the last thing my messed up world could stand.
“Lucy, I’m sorry! How many times do I have to apologize? I wasn’t raised as you were. It’s not normal for a man to be so intimate with someone who isn’t his wife here.”
I mimed stabbing myself in the heart. “I sat by your side through all of it! When you were delirious and attacked Jens, I chose you over Jens because you needed me! When you dumped out my water and threw my food across the room, I let you cling to me until you calmed down! I didn’t care what anyone thought about me. I cared that you were in pain! You mattered more to me than anything when you were going through that.”
Jamie tugged at his wet chestnut curls. “I know! I chose wrong, syster. I’m sorry!”
“Sorry does nothing! You don’t get to be here for me when it’s the dead of night and there’s no one to see you do something so horrible as to be there for your wife’s best friend when she’s losing her mind.” I clutched my chest. “Instead you get to feel all of this because I don’t trust you enough to numb the pain anymore! You hurt me, Jamie! My family is dead! You were supposed to be my brother, but you suck at it!”
Jamie bowed his head and shook it in shame, his curls dripping onto the grass.
Tucker intervened. “Come here, love. Take that pretty little mouth and yell your anger in Jens’s ear. Maybe that’ll wake him. I honestly can’t carry him all the way to Nøkken. It’s like he’s gained fifty pounds.”
Jens’s chest moved evenly, and beneath my anger at Jamie, it registered that I probably should’ve been more concerned about my boyfriend’s wellbeing. I didn’t exactly understand all the mechanics of what Havard did to Jens. How long was the rebuilding supposed to take?
I clambered over to his supine form on the shore and gingerly lowered my head to his chest, confirming the heart that belonged in part to me was still beating. I slumped to rest my head on him, wondering when life would be fair for Jens, or any of us, for that matter.
“He’s alright, käresta,” Tucker assured me as he sat near Jens’s head. “Give him time.”
I stroked Jens’s wet skin and shivered as the night air kissed my soaked clothing. “I killed him. I killed Havard after he’d been down there for who knows how long. He helped me, so I killed him.”
Tucker moved to sit behind me, flicked all eight fingers against his thumbs like he was striking a match, and pressed them into my spine. The warmth that emanated from his palms heated my back and set my toes curling. “You know, this would work better with your shirt off.”
“I just killed a man. You really want to press your luck? Go feel up Jamie. It’d have the same effect.”
“Sure, but your back’s not quite as hairy.” Tucker chuckled. “Jamie told me what was happening. Havard asked you to kill him. He’s seen too much. You have no idea what kind of mental stability it takes to live as many lifetimes as we do.”
“I stabbed him through the heart. He kissed me, so I stabbed him. That’s what we’re dealing with here.” I sniffled into Jens’s chest.
Tucker slipped his hands under my shirt, thankfully keeping them along my spine so he didn’t lose an arm to my wrath. The warmth relaxed my muscles, and my eyes closed as I slumped over Jens. Tucker leaned forward to speak quietly to me. “It’ll pass. Just close your eyes and feel it hard right now. Feel it deep, and in the morning, it will be a little less. And the week after that, less still.” He kissed the back of my shoulder and wrapped his heated arms around me, warming my insides and outsides with his hug.
I felt heavy, somehow weighted from the inside. Gravity pulled at me, and when Tucker lifted me up in his arms, my head and limbs flopped lifelessly as my eyes closed of their own volition. “Somefing’s wrong,” I slurred.
Jamie collapsed on the grass as consciousness escaped me.
Twenty-Two.
Little House on the Prairie
and The Hulk
“You did this,” Jens accused Tucker. I heard them from somewhere above me.
“You think she took one good look at me without a shirt on and fainted? Wouldn’t be the first. But no, I didn’t do a thing to her. She was talking, and then she wasn’t.”
“It’s that Havard,” Jamie informed the men. He was to my left. His voice echoed off walls, informing me that we weren’t by the river anymore. “Killing him did something to her. I can’t tell what it is.” He nudged me with his bare toe. “And she can hear us. Open your eyes, Lucy.”
I consente
d, but with a scowl. “Traitor,” I said to Jamie, taking his hand to sit up. He pressed a cup of water into my palm. “Where are we?”
Tucker turned up the lantern on the dresser, bringing to dim light a bed I had slept in before.
“Olin and Olina’s. Nik’s parents.” Jens sat on the bed, and his weight sunk the straw mattress lower than I’d anticipated. He looked different, like his shirt had shrunk and his hands were stiff or swollen or something.
“Is this…” I looked around and noticed the familiar knickknacks on the wall, the bed beneath me that I’d been laid out on before. “You put me in Nik’s bed? Not cool, guys. Not cool.” I moved to hoist myself off of the bed, but my eyes caught on something in the candlelight. I gasped.
“You feeling okay, Loos?”
“My arms! You... How?” There were still stars spread out on my hands, but instead of coating the entirety of my hands and forearms with paint-like glitter, now it only climbed from my fingertips to my wrists in artistic streaks and swirls. It was actually kind of pretty. It almost looked like henna on only my hands and wrists, but with silver sparkles instead of ink.
“I washed your arms in te träd oil while you were out, just like Havard said. Awesome, right? I mean, I loved you either way, but you look happier like this.”
My arms trembled as I observed the skin I thought I’d never see again. There were a few errant freckles that I pledged my allegiance to with new appreciation. With Pesta’s blood less of a beacon, I felt ten percent more myself. It’s a beautiful thing when you get back even the smallest part of yourself you’d once written off as a casualty of war.
Jens watched me marvel at my arms with a wistful indulgence on his perfect lips. “It’s good to see you smile. For a while there, I thought those days were long gone.”
I looked down, only just realizing that I was dressed in what looked like an old woman’s dressing gown. “Um, Olina?” I motioned to the gown, inquiring with some certainty of who it was that changed my outfit.
Jens nodded. “Of course.”
“Now, now. Don’t lie to the girl. It was me who dressed you,” Tucker teased. “You don’t want to guess what kind of knickers you’re wearing under that saucy little number.”
I glowered in Jens’s direction. “Seriously? How have we not been allowed to kill him yet?” The joke tasted bitter in my mouth when flashes of Havard dying in my arms flooded my mind.
Jens was quiet as he spoke. “You were right about the Kunna Tofs. I should’ve fought harder for you.” He touched my hand, and I wished he was closer.
I always wished for that.
Jamie caught my wave of appreciation for Jens mixed with a note of attraction that was unmistakable through the bond. He clapped Jens twice on the shoulder as he stood. “Come on, Tuck. Let’s you and I set about restocking the packs.”
Tucker pecked my lips before he left, which apparently was a thing we did now. “Glad to have you back, love.”
I quirked an eyebrow at Jens when it was just the two of us. “Back? How long was I out?”
“It’s been a solid four days. We’re all recouping. How are you feeling?”
“Okay, I guess. Wow. Didn’t realize I was out for that long.” I fiddled with the blanket on my lap. “So, if I hadn’t woken up, the last person you would’ve kissed was a naked albino dude? Rough.”
“Well, Foss offered to lay one on me, but unlike some people, I can resist kissing his surly mug.”
“Foss?” My nose scrunched at his response to my joke.
“Yeah. Foss is here. That was my way of telling you.” Jens held up his hand before the questions multiplied and spilled out all over the bed between us. “He saw your star in the sky change, so he crossed over and made a beeline for you. Took a horse to Elvage and got an elf to port him here. I’m betting it was killing Havard that changed your star. Britta’s at the ranch. Foss hired a nurse to stay with her around the clock just in case she needed anything while he was gone. Honestly, she’s probably better off with the nurse and him over here.”
“I was worried about you,” I admitted, hijacking the conversation.
“I’m alright.”
“When you came out of the water, you were still out. How are you feeling?”
Jens rolled his eyes. “I’m fine. It hurt at the time, but I feel amazing now.”
“You look amazing. In fact, you look like the only thing you need is this.” I leaned forward and bunched my fist in his tight black t-shirt, pulling him toward me.
Kissing Jens was only about the best thing ever. His lips were soft, but his passion was driving. In no time at all, he was hovering atop me, resting my head on the pillow as our lips did the thing they were best at, besides fighting. I locked my mental door tight as I worked off Jens’s shirt.
That was not the moment I expected our kiss to come to an abrupt halt, but my mouth fell open mid-lip lock as I took in the wonder that was his body. “Jens, how long did you say I was out? What have you been doing? Nonstop pushups the entire time?”
Jens rolled off me, sitting on the side of the bed facing me. “It’s what I asked Havard for – the ability to keep you safe. I’m a little different now.” He motioned to his torso and gave me a gratuitous muscle flex that made my jaw drop.
“Your scars! What did he do with your sexy scars?”
Jens chuckled. “Gone. Even the little one on my finger I got from fixing your car. Not a mark on me, except my tattoo.” He turned his cheek so I could verify the gold mark was still there. “And not just that, but other parts of me are different. My senses are crazy sharp now. I’m a lot stronger, faster. I’m all around a little more amazing.”
“And humble, too. So tell me, Superman, did those muscles come with an owner’s manual? They’re honestly gigantic. I mean, you were big before, but this is just overkill.” I wanted to touch his pecs, but wasn’t sure what was kosher given the situation. “Can I?”
“Sure. Ogle, fondle, whatever suits you. But only in here. You’re Foss’s wife in Undraland, and he’s back from the dead. It wouldn’t be good for rumors to fly that you’re sidelining your husband for your Tom.”
I traced veins that wound up his arms like thick cables, and stroked the pecs that I couldn’t understand the mechanics of. They were so huge and firm. When I ran my fingers down his abdomen, he sucked in his stomach. “Still ticklish. I like that. You’ve always been walking eye candy, but holy crap, Jens. This is beyond even that.”
Jens smirked at me, the candlelight dancing off his almost bashful features. “Glad you like it, because there’s a drawback.”
I closed my eyes. “There’s always a catch, but I’m still surprised when it comes. Out with it. Do you turn into The Hulk when you defend my honor?”
He offered me an obligatory snort. “I almost wish it was that. No. When I came to, I was still in a lot of pain. Something about the breaking down of all your muscles and rebuilding them in a day takes it out of a guy.”
“What a wuss.”
“Ha, ha. Tucker gave me a pinch of his lavender powder to take the edge off.” He held up his hands. “Just a pinch, and nothing more.”
“Alright,” I answered slowly, waiting for the anvil to drop on my head.
“It hit me a little harder this time. Harder than it did when I was in the thick of needing it all the time. Took me under deeper and kept me blissed out longer.”
Of course the kryptonite would hit him where it hurt. Why wouldn’t a gift be given with such a cruel slap in the face? “How are you feeling now?”
“I want more. Want it bad. So I know I can’t go near the stuff.”
“What do you need from me? How can I help it not hurt so bad?” I traced his bicep sympathetically.
“Just you being here helps. I’ll get past it, like I always have. Just wanted to let you know where I’m at.”
“Thanks. Thanks for not hiding it from me.”
Jens scratched his scalp. “Havard did something to my insides, too. I can’t e
xplain it. I mean, I’ve never been laplanded, but something shifts in me when you feel a swing of emotions now. When you were looking at your arms for the first time? I felt that. And kissing you is about a thousand times more intense now that I can feel your… spirit? Your passion? I dunno. Something that doesn’t sound so stupid. I can feel it double, is the point. It’s nuts.” He shook his head. “I’m not explaining it right. All I know is that I’m the best one for the job now. I can’t believe how far short of the mark I was before this.”
“Man, I love you,” I breathed as I continued to stroke his chest.
Jens smiled. “You look like Little House on the Prairie in that nightgown. I love you, too, by the way.”
“Little House on the Prairie in bed with The Hulk. What a world we live in.”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
This time I didn’t hesitate or reach for a quip. Instead, he reached for me, and we melted into the passion we were meant to indulge in. His body was unfamiliar, but his scent closed the gaps that confused me. “Closer,” I begged, pulling him on top of me. He was careful with his new body, unsure how much his passion should be allowed to drive him. He was far stronger than either of us were used to. “You’re never close enough.”
“Complain, complain, complain,” Jens smirked into my lips. He rolled up the hem of my gown to my knees, cupping my calves and bringing them to wrap around his waist. His shiver followed mine as he kissed my neck down to my ruffled collar. “I can feel you heating up. It’s making it…” He came back to my lips and kissed me harder, groaning when I bit his lower lip. “Closer, he complained. “It’s you who’s never close enough.”
“Such a whiner,” I teased, tugging on his hair just to make him crazy.
We were both crazy, which is the best kind of insanity to indulge in. He was a box of sugar cookies, and I was hungry for only him.
Lucy at Last Page 12
