by J. R. Tate
“I’m so relieved I won’t be catching a stomach virus. At least pregnancy can’t be passed on to me.”
Eva nudged him. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that! You ever hear about the man gaining weight with the woman? You might want to read up on it. We both should probably read up on a lot of stuff. This is gonna be a whole new world.”
“I’m ready for it.” He pulled her in close, still feeling like it was all a dream. He couldn’t organize his thoughts, so he closed his eyes and savored the moment. The rest of it would happen in its own time. Right now, he was going to enjoy the initial feeling of happiness they were both experiencing.
Michael lay in bed that night, exhausted, but sleep was an unknown dimension. Eva was pressed up against him, her breathing deep as she nestled under the sheets. He was glad she was feeling a lot better than earlier in the day, but still wasn’t at one hundred percent. He had seen pregnant women and heard about the morning sickness they went through, but he never truly dealt with one directly. Eva said it all when she said their lives would change. The very news of her being pregnant had already sent him into a tailspin of so many things.
Her warm breath tickled his bare back, and he tried to adjust his weight to not wake her. He stared up at the ceiling, watching the few beams of light that flashed in from the street lights outside.
It sunk in. At that very moment, he realized the one thing that terrified him more than running in to a burning building – He was going to be a father. Bile built up in the back of his throat and he closed his eyes as it all hit him. With all of his drinking, his past, and every issue his family was going through, he had always wondered how it would be to bring a child into a mess like that.
Would he be a good dad? The man he needed to mimic died when he was fourteen. The memories he had of his father were good, and Michael hoped he could be half the man that he was. What if he died young and left his child fatherless like he and Casey had gone through? Would his child be screwed up and turn to alternate ways of coping? After all, addictions could stem from hereditary.
Heaving a deep sigh, he tried to shut his mind off. It didn’t work, and he went from worry to worry, like it was a plot of a movie developing in front of him. What was he going to do about Viper? His mom was always right. She had never steered him in the wrong direction. For some reason, he just couldn’t convince himself that either decision would be good. If he went, there was a chance he’d fall right back in the Viper trap, but if he didn’t, he’d be wondering about it.
And now he’d have another person to worry about with all of this. If Viper found out Eva was pregnant, it would be a whole new ball game. The thought of something happening to his child infuriated him, and he found himself getting flustered. Rolling on his side, he had to remind himself that he was crossing bridges before he got to them and that right now, everything was fine. Everything was perfect. The woman he loved was pregnant with his child, she was safe in the bed beside him, and aside from Gregg being a little strange, work was going just as he liked it.
It was a little after two AM and he finally gave up. A shot of whiskey would be helpful, but he brushed that away quickly. Flicking on the kitchen light, he poured himself a glass of orange juice and sat at the table. The two pregnancy tests from earlier lay on a paper towel, each one flashing the result. Give him a blazing inferno, a high rise save, a car submerged in water like his save earlier that day and he was golden. Eva being pregnant made his knees weak and his heart race.
“Mikey?”
Eva’s voice made him jump and he looked over his shoulder to her standing in the dark hallway.
“Hey.” He coughed to clear his raspy voice.
“What are you doing? It’s after two.” She sat across from him, her eyes down on the tests as well.
He moved his hands out and rested his chin on one. “Couldn’t sleep. Was afraid I was gonna wake you up. Guess I still did.”
“What’s on your mind?” She reached out and held his free hand.
“Nothing… everything.” He didn’t make eye contact with her. “Just wondering what kind of father I’m gonna be. Didn’t really have that figure in my life when I needed it the most, you know? And you know all my issues.”
Her grip tightened. “I think you’re gonna be great. You were great with Daryl’s kid after he passed away. You’re great with kids on calls.”
“That’s different. That’s a temporary thing. I do what I do and send them on home.” He sipped on his juice, still unable to fully look at her. “My Ma told me something the other day when I went over there. Said that parenthood doesn’t stop at eighteen. It’s a job that goes until the day you die.” Looking up, he pursed his lips. “What she said has been running through my head since the moment you told me about this little one.”
“She’s right, and it’s good that you realize it. I’m scared too, but we’ll be fine. That’s why we have each other.”
“I just hope life settles down a little bit. You can’t deny that the past few years have been… interesting, yeah?”
“To say the least, but we got through all of that. You better get ready, because in about eight months, you’re gonna see just how good of a father you’re gonna be. You might not see it now, but I know it for a fact.”
Michael couldn’t help but smile. “I’m not much of a praying man, but I hope to God the baby gets your family genes and not mine.”
“I wouldn’t wish too much for that. You’ve only gotten a taste of how the Crisante’s are. Now come to bed. I can’t stand cranky Mikey who got no sleep the night before.”
He stood up to follow her back to the bedroom, but stopped her halfway back. “There’s one more thing I gotta tell you. I’ve been thinking a lot about that damn letter I got in the mail.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I think I’m gonna set up a meeting at Rikers on Friday when I’m off again. Just nip this thing in the bud and get it done. I’ve got better things to invest my energy in now.”
Nodding, Eva tiptoed, grazing her lips over his. “I think that’s the right choice.”
“Well I’m glad you think so.”
He fell into bed beside her, her back fitting perfectly against his stomach. Her warmth was comforting, and for the first time that night, he was able to doze, until he completely relaxed and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
***
Friday morning came quick, and Michael found himself standing at the security gate at the entrance of Rikers. Setting up a visit usually took more time, but with Viper’s willingness, it was pushed through fast. Having gone through an inmate visitation before, Michael knew what to expect and left all of his personal belongings with the appropriate staff, including his watch and wallet.
He tried not to let his nerves get the best of him. He was on the verge of throwing up all morning, and he and Eva both stood together, huddled near the toilet as if he was going through the morning sickness with her. He wasn’t sure if she was sick from that, or if she was feeding off of him and feeling just as anxious as him.
“Michael McGinnis, step forward!” A guard yelled, moving him through the metal detector that separated the free world from the place where hardened criminals waited out their time.
Michael remembered the smell instantly. It was a combination of bleach, cafeteria food, and a locker room. He could have gone the rest of his life never experiencing it again, but there he stood, back at Rikers, waiting to talk to a man who was just a notch above sidewalk spit to him. He was either a complete moron or a glutton for punishment. Either way, his gut was telling him this was a mistake, that he should turn around and never look back.
The guard took him to a room just like the one before. There would be no partition between Viper and him. He still wasn’t keen on that, but it was out of his hands.
“He’ll be in here in a minute. They sent for him. There will be two guards right outside the door. We’ll be listening in, and at any sign of danger, we’ll be here. You can leave at any time.”
> Michael sat down and placed his hands on the surface of the table. “Thank you.”
“How do you know Viper?” The guard asked.
“We go way back,” Michael said, hoping the guard caught on to his sarcasm.
“They all do. They all do.”
Before any more small talk could be made, a different person was bringing Viper in. Michael almost didn’t recognize him. His longer hair was cut short, almost buzzed. His scraggly facial hair was shaved clean, and he looked a lot more alert and focused. Michael sat forward in his chair, impressed by the remarkable change, but still not allowing his guard down.
Neither man spoke as they were left alone. The door to the visitation room slammed and made Michael flinch. The first few seconds were awkward, as both seemed to be sizing each other up. Michael ran his hand down the back of his head, not wanting to be the one to break the ice.
“Dang, Hero… seems like it’s been a long time, doesn’t it?”
The criminal even seemed to be more articulate. Maybe his time on the inside had done him well, but that time could have also allowed him to hone his acting skills. Michael wasn’t going to be fooled.
“Yes, it’s been a while. I almost didn’t come, Viper.”
“No? And why is that?”
“I’m gonna be honest with you. I still don’t trust you. I don’t know why you still feel the need to contact me, and just because you say you’re a changed man doesn’t mean you’re a changed man. Actions are loud, words are not.”
Viper leaned back in his chair far enough that the front two legs lifted off of the floor. He looked like he had just tasted a sour pickle. “Dang, Michael, don’t hold anything back now.”
“I don’t plan on it.” Michael stared at him, never losing eye contact. “Someone has to make sure the lies aren’t flying around.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Like I said, that’s easy to say, Viper.”
Viper put the chair legs back on the floor and clasped his hands on the table. “How do you suggest I prove it to you? I’m kinda limited here.”
“How do you think you’ve changed? Haven’t called a hit out on anyone in the past week? Haven’t contacted your boys who are still out on the streets? Define change for me, because it could mean a hell of a lot of things.”
“You’re still alive, right?” Viper broke out into a laugh and held his hand up. “I’m just kidding, really!” He clicked his tongue as he contemplated Michael’s question. “I know this doesn’t mean shit to you, but like I mentioned in that letter I sent you, I’ve been meeting with some guys in here. We’ve been talking things out. It feels really good to get things out in the open. You should try it.”
Michael folded his arms over his chest, still apprehensive. “I’m still not seeing how you can say you’ve changed from before.”
“Counseling, going to the chapel for church… check my file. It’s all in there.”
“You know damn well I can’t check that. Again, I still don’t know why I’m here.” Michael clenched his jaw, his patience wearing thin. “I’m getting ready to go. Unless you’ve got something better to say, I’m leaving.”
He started to get up from his chair, and Viper moved his arm forward. “Wait, Firefighter. Let me say what I have to say. I’ll get right to the point.”
Michael edged back down, bracing himself for what was to come.
“I wanted you to come in so I could apologize. It’s apparent that you think what’s coming out of my mouth is just words and saying sorry isn’t going to replace all of the bullshit I put you through, but I still gotta say it. I’m very sorry for Daryl and for putting you and Casey through what I did. You can believe me or not, but I had to say it.”
Michael let the words hover. Maybe he was being truthful. Maybe his mom was right. Just like with his recovery, he had to contact everyone he hurt and apologize. Maybe Viper was of like mind with all of the dirty deeds he had done over the years. Michael still couldn’t let himself fall into the trap. There was still something about the man that made his skin crawl.
“There’s really no other way to prove anything to you, and I’m not going to kill myself trying to find a way. Send a hello to your brother for me. I hope his recovery is going well.” Viper stood up to leave. “I’m ready to go back to my cell,” he spoke to the camera, never looking at Michael again.
They came in and escorted Viper out, leaving Michael alone. There were no words to say. He wasn’t sure how to react. He was still dead set on not being fooled again.
“You wanting to stay here longer?” The same guard came in, breaking the tension that was still heavy in the room.
“Um, no, of course not.” Michael stood up and pushed the chair in. “Thanks for your time.”
When he went through the exit and back outside, the weight on his shoulders lifted, and he breathed easy. Viper had said what he needed to. Michael came and satisfied his curiosity. That was the last he’d ever be in contact with the nuisance, and now he could focus on more important things, like getting his family started. Regardless of if Viper was sincere, he was shoving this all behind him, hoping it would soon become a distant memory.
Chapter Eight
“How was your day off, McGinnis? Do anything fun?” Walsh met him at the entrance to the garage at the firehouse, way too chipper for so early in the morning. “At least you and Eva were off on the same day for once.”
Michael pushed past him and toward the kitchen before turning around, trying not to show the other man how creeped out he was by him. “What’s it to you, Walsh?”
“Just making small talk, bud. Just making small talk.”
“Go make it with someone else.” He came off harsher than planned, and felt guilty about it. “Look, I appreciate you trying to be friendly and all, but give me a minute. I just got here.”
Gregg spread his hands and raised his eyebrows. “Okay, McGinnis. I guess what the other guys have warned me about is true. After all, I’d be a little on the crabby side too if some bookie went crazy on me and my family.”
Michael stopped dead in his tracks and flashed him a hard glance. He told himself that the man wasn’t worth his time. It wasn’t a mystery around there about what had happened, and while he was out, it was certain that Gregg had been filled in on all of the trials he had gone through. It didn't matter. It was a backhanded comment that was uncalled for, despite how snarky he was being to him.
“Let’s just leave it at that,” Michael responded, ignoring anything else spoken toward him. He didn’t want Walsh to ruin the rest of his day, but it was too late for that. The guy was strange, and his quick change in mood bugged him.
Lieu already had Michael’s coffee mug full and the paper right where he sat, ready to go. He puffed on a cigar as he read his own copy of the New York Times. Without looking up, he exhaled the toxic smoke and gave a small nod. That was the kind of communication Michael enjoyed so early. The kind where no words were spoken, but they knew exactly what each other were saying.
“Good morning to you, too. How’s it hanging, Lieu?”
“Oscar the grouch speaks.” He chewed on the tip of the cigar. “I’m doing well. Don’t think I can say the same for you.”
Michael spread the front page out. The top headline was about the weather. Thank goodness for slow news days, but at the same time, the reading material sucked.
“Huh?”
“You got the little baggies forming under your eyes. C’mon McGinnis, you gotta keep up the looks. You know I can’t do it for this whole house.”
Michael scoffed and scanned the news story, growing bored two paragraphs in. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Lieu about Eva, but it was best that he didn’t. She didn’t want much said until they got it confirmed by a doctor. She couldn’t wait long due to the job, but they wanted to be completely sure before the news spread like wildfire. He hadn’t been sleeping well. Viper was still bugging him, but most of all, it was Eva’s pregnancy. The hardest part was he co
uldn’t talk to anyone and get it off of his chest.
“I’ll be just fine, Lieu, but thanks for your concern.”
“Of course you won’t tell me.”
“I would if there was something to say.” Michael smirked at their back and forth banter.
“Harboring stress is just gonna take away from that gorgeous face of yours,” Lieu spat back, making a kissing sound with his lips.
“Good, maybe that’ll keep your crazy ass away.”
“Engine, Ladder…”
The tones went off and everyone dropped what they were doing, each heading for the truck where they slipped on their turnouts and coats. Michael wasn’t paying attention, but when he stepped up to get in the cab, Gregg put his leg out, blocking him from gaining access to his seat.
“Move over, Walsh, we gotta get moving.”
Gregg stared him down, his jaw clenched, his stare empty. He didn’t say a word, but it felt like a challenge to Michael. When other guys started to get in the other side, Gregg gave way, his face breaking out in a smile.
“I’m just fucking with you, McGinnis.” He laughed it off and went to his seat.
Michael swallowed the bile in his throat, unsure if Gregg was trying to joke around like the other guys did, or if he really meant something by it. He was a completely different man when the others showed up.
Brushing it aside, he looked out the window as they merged onto the street. His focus was now on the call. He’d deal with Gregg later.
***
Eva was at the kitchen table and on the phone when Michael got home that evening. He dropped his duffel bag by the door and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before sitting down with her. She had a notebook out with a page full of notes and scribbles on each line. He couldn’t make out what it all was, but he was sure in her head, it made perfect sense. She looked vibrant, like she hadn’t been barfing up her stomach all day. Her smile was natural and she was laughing nonstop on the phone. It was good to see her back to her old self.
