BLACK FRIDAY
Then, without warning, on the morning of February 20, 1959, the Canadian government announced it was scrapping the Arrow immediately. Avro employees learned of the decision 20 minutes later, and at 4:00 that afternoon it was announced over the P.A. system that all 14,525 of them were out of a job. Another 26,000 Canadians working for Avro subcontractors lost their jobs, too.
Conspiracy? Sugar was first added to chewing gum in 1869…by a dentist.
WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
The irony of the cancellation was that in spite of all the problems, Avro had managed to produce a very sophisticated aircraft that had performed exceptionally well in flight testing. At the time the program was cancelled, the company was only two weeks away from fitting the aircraft with improved jet engines that would likely have made it the fastest fighter plane in the world.
Would the Arrow have broken the world speed record? We’ll never know for sure, because shortly after the program was cancelled, the Canadian government ordered everything associated with the program—aircraft, models, tooling, spare parts, even blueprints and photographs—to be destroyed to prevent the technology from falling into the hands of Soviet spies.
Canadian taxpayers had pumped more than $300 million into the project by then, but had literally nothing to show for it. Avro closed its doors; Canada lost its edge in defense aviation and never built another fighter plane. Many of Avro’s top designers and engineers went abroad to find work: Some went to Europe and worked on the Concorde, and more than 30 went to NASA and played leading roles in the effort to land American men on the moon.
JET SET
All that survives today are a couple of engines, a cockpit and nose cone, a few diagrams, odd parts, and some historical photos. This near-total destruction of the Arrow, combined with the fact that it was the most advanced fighter of its day, has elevated the plane to mythical status. “Arrow Heads,” as fans are known, build replicas, trade conspiracy theories, and dream of what might have been. Wishful thinkers look at the 1959 photo showing the jets lined up outside the factory to be destroyed and note that one plane, RL-202, is not in the picture. Does that mean it’s still out there somewhere, waiting to be found? University of Toronto historian Michael Bliss likes to tell his students it’s in a barn in Saskatchewan. “It’s taken out and flown once a year. By Elvis.”
Easternmost capital city in the United States: Augusta, Maine.
DIED ON THE JOHN
From the darker wing of Uncle John’s Stall of Fame, here are some people who took their last breaths in the bathroom. (Someday we’ll probably put Uncle John on the list.)
In 1016, 27-year-old King Edmund II of England was murdered in the bathroom. An assassin hid behind the primitive toilet and, as Edmund sat, the murderer stepped out and quickly shoved his sword twice “into the king’s bowels.”
• Another English monarch, King George II, died on the toilet in 1760 at the age of 77. He woke up at six that morning, drank some chocolate, and an hour later went to the bathroom, where he died of a ruptured aorta.
• Evelyn Waugh, one of the greatest English novelists of the 20th century (Brideshead Revisited, The Loved One) had just returned home from Easter Mass. In recent years, the 62-year-old had put on a lot of weight. He also drank a lot, smoked cigars, and rarely exercised. He died “straining at stool” in the bathroom, April 10, 1966.
• Perhaps the most famous death-by-toilet is Elvis Presley’s. A combination of weight gain and too many prescription drugs gave the 42-year-old singer a heart attack while he was “takin’ care of business.” (At the time of his death he was reading a book entitled The Scientific Search for the Face of Jesus.)
• Movie producer Don Simpson (Top Gun, Flashdance) died in 1996. While rumors persisted that he died of a cocaine overdose, the truth was more humble and embarrassing: He died of a heart attack while going to the bathroom.
• It’s commonly believed that Catherine the Great of Russia died after being “crushed” by a horse. True? Na-a-a-a-a-y. On that fateful day in 1796, she suffered a stroke while sitting on the toilet, but died in her bed several hours later.
Donald Duck’s “official” address: 1313 Webfoot Walk, Duckburg, Calisota.
Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS
Everyone’s got a question or two they’d like answered—basic stuff, like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few of those questions, with answers from some of the nation’s top trivia experts.
TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF
Q: Why do leaves change color in the fall?
A: “The carotenoids (pigments in photosynthesizing cells), which are responsible for the fall colors, are always present in a tree’s leaves. During the growing season, however, those colors are eclipsed by the green of chlorophyll. Toward the end of summer, when the chlorophyll production ceases, the other colors of the carotenoids (yellow, orange, red, or purple) become visible.” (From The Handy Science Answer Book, by the Carnegie Library)
HOT, BUT NOT
Q: Why do people sweat when they eat really spicy food?
A: “Spicy foods, such as chili peppers, contain a chemical that stimulates the same nerve endings in the mouth as a rise in temperature does. The nerves don’t know what caused the stimulation; they just send a message to the brain telling it that the temperature near the face has risen. The brain reacts by activating cooling mechanisms around the face, and one of these mechanisms is perspiration.” (From Ever Wonder Why?, by Douglas B. Smith)
REALITY BITES
Q: How come you can’t feel a mosquito bite until it starts to itch?
A: “The female mosquito’s biting technique is so skillful that most humans cannot feel it. After a minute or two of resting on the skin, she presses her lancets into a nice, juicy capillary—the insertion takes about a minute. It’s barely noticeable because the mosquito lubricates her mouthparts with her own saliva before biting. Most of us become aware of the itching only after the mosquito is long gone—not because of the bite or the loss of blood, but because of the saliva left behind. It acts not only as a lubricant, but also as an anesthetic. For most people, the saliva is a blessing, since it allows us to be oblivious to the fact that our blood is being sucked. Unfortunately, it contains anticoagulant components that can cause allergic reactions—the itchy bumps that make us wonder why mosquitoes exist in this otherwise wonderful world.” (From Do Penguins Have Knees?, by David Feldman)
A human body decomposes four times faster in water than on land.
YECCH!
Q: Why do so many kids hate liver and Brussels sprouts?
A: Short answer: they’re disgusting. Long answer: “Liver and Brussels sprouts have unusual textures and odors as well as bland, gray-green coloring. But probably the biggest reason is the strong taste. Children’s taste buds are just developing, and haven’t matured enough to enjoy these two delicacies. Liver actually tastes more bitter to a kid’s taste buds than to an adult’s.” (From Funny You Should Ask, by Marg Meikle)
METER READERS
Q: How are TV ratings determined?
A: “The ACNielsen Corporation does them, sampling a cross section of households from all over the United States. Samples include homes from all 50 states and people of all ages, income groups, geographic areas, ethnicities, and educational levels—all in proportion to their presence in the population at large. Special meters, known as ‘set-top meters,’ are installed to capture information about what channel is being viewed in about 25,000 households. The data is automatically retrieved by Nielsen computers each night, then relayed via phone lines to the operations center in Florida, and processed that same night for release to the television industry the next day.” (Nielsen Media Research)
UNCLE JOHN’S WEIGHT-LOSS SYSTEM
Q: Every time you fart, do you lose a little weight?
A: “Actually, there is some reason to believe that after a good toot you weigh more—slightly. Two of the principal components of flatus are hydrogen and methane, wh
ich are both lighter than air. Thus it is conceivable that when you deflate, as it were, you lose buoyancy and add poundage. On the other hand, it is not clear what the ambient pressure of gas in the intestines is—a critical factor, since even a light gas under sufficient compression weighs the same as or more than air.” (From The Straight Dope, by Cecil Adams)
A group of hares is called a down. (A group of hairs is called a wig.)
BIERCE-ISMS
Author and newspaper columnist Ambrose Bierce (1842–1914) often peppered his articles with his own humorous—and cynical—definitions for common words. Here are a few of our favorites.
Dentist: A magician who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
Positive: Mistaken, at the top of one’s voice.
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Dog: An additional Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world’s worship.
Clairvoyant: A person who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron—namely, that he is a blockhead.
Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.
Alliance: The union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck, or one’s neighbor.
Appeal: In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Famous: Conspicuously miserable.
Friendship: A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
Husband: One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile.
Outcome: A particular type of disappointment.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Geography fact: Brazil is larger than all 48 contiguous United States combined.
IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME
Life is constantly presenting us with interesting challenges. These challenges have many possible solutions…some good, some not so good, and some just plain bad. These belong in the third category.
THE KEYS TO SUCCESS
Challenge: A tourist at Montana’s Glacier National Park wanted to take a picture of a squirrel that had scurried away into its rocky den.
Bad Idea: Trying to coax the animal out of its lair, the man dangled his only set of car keys in front of the opening.
Outcome: The squirrel darted out, snatched the keys right out of the man’s hand, and disappeared back into the ground. Rangers tried to assist the frantic tourist, but the squirrel (and the keys) were nowhere to be found. The man had to call a locksmith out to the park and pay a hefty sum to get his car back on the road.
BACKFIRING BOOBY TRAP
Challenge: A 66-year-old Dutchman had some very important “stuff” in his garden shed and was afraid someone would steal it.
Bad Idea: Using some ropes, he devised a booby trap that hung a shotgun inside the door and set it to go off when the door was opened. Then he proudly opened the door to give his friends a demonstration.
Outcome: The man was shot in the stomach by his own gun and needed emergency surgery. After he recovered, he went to jail. (Police discovered the “stuff” he was guarding: 15 full-grown marijuana plants.)
LIGHT ONE CANDLE
Challenge: A 29-year-old St. Paul, Minnesota, man, identified only as Robert, wanted to clean the grit out of his bathtub.
Bad Idea: He used gasoline to clean the tub, which left the bathroom smelling really bad. To mask the odor, Robert lit aromatic candles.
The cables on the Golden Gate Bridge contain 80,000 miles of steel wire.
Outcome: Robert blew up his apartment. He sustained severe burns, but survived. (The apartment did not.)
DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVEE
Challenge: In 1993, 24-year-old James Scott lived on the Illinois side of the Mississippi River. His wife worked on the Missouri side. All Scott wanted to do was “party,” but his wife wouldn’t let him.
Bad Idea: Scott removed some sandbags from a nearby levee, hoping the river would wash out the road that his wife used to take home.
Outcome: Not only did Scott wash out the road…he also flooded 14,000 acres, destroying crops as well as dozens of homes and businesses, and causing a local bridge to be closed for more than three months. After bragging about his “success” to his friends, Scott was arrested and sentenced to life in prison (the maximum penalty for “causing a catastrophe”).
IN NEED OF A LIFT
Challenge: Somjet Korkeaw, a 42-year-old office worker from Bangkok, Thailand, was leaving work on a Saturday afternoon when he suddenly realized he’d forgotten something and had to return to his office on the 99th floor to get it. Unfortunately, the passenger elevators had already been turned off for the weekend and the stair doors were locked.
Bad Idea: He decided to take a small cargo elevator (designed to carry food and documents). It was small, so he had to crouch into a ball to fit, but it was the only way back to the office.
Outcome: Korkeaw weighed 150 pounds, far too heavy for the lift to carry. Result: It got stuck between floors. He had to wait, bent over and crammed inside the little box, for more than 40 hours until the building reopened on Monday morning.
SHELL SHOCK
Challenge: A 19-year-old man from Spokane, Washington, wanted to make a necklace out of bullets. The only way to string the necklace together was to punch holes in the live ammunition.
Bad Idea: He punched a hole in the live ammunition.
Outcome: He survived the explosion, but will never play piano again.
First horror movie: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1908).
FALSE FRIENDS
What do you call English words that look or sound exactly like words in other languages, but have entirely different meanings? Linguists call them “false friends” because they can get you into trouble. A few examples:
Kill (Mideast): Good friend
Fatal (Germany): Annoying
Lawman (Surinam): Lunatic
Sky (Norway): Cloud
City (Czech): Feelings
Slut (Sweden): End
Alone (Italy): Halo
Bless! (Iceland): Goodbye!
Fart (Turkey): Exaggerating
Bog (Russia): God
Arse (Turkey): Violin bow
Turd (Iran): Fragile
Chew (Ethiopia): Salt
Brat (Russia): Brother
Dad (Albania): Wet nurse
Blubber (Netherlands): Mud
Babe (Swaziland): Priest
Beast (Iran): Twenty
Santa (Mideast): Wart
After (Germany): Anus
Made (Netherlands): Maggot
Pasta (Portugal): Briefcase
Bizarro (Spain): Brave
Bank (Netherlands): Bench
Pies (Poland): Dog
Mama (Georgia): Father
Kiss (Sweden): Urine
Mist (Germany): Manure
King (Estonia): Shoe
Bean (Ireland): Woman
Sex (Sweden): Six
Billion (France): Trillion
Travesty (Greece): Transvestite
Big (Netherlands): Piglet
Flint (Sweden): Bald head
Ale (Finland): Discount
Four (France): Oven
Bimbo (Japan): Poor person
Groin (France): Snout
Helmet (Finland): Pearls
Bra (Sweden): Good
Air (Indonesia): Water
&nbs
p; Coin (Scotland): Dogs
Cat (Indonesia): Paint
Shh! The word “listen” contains the same letters as the word “silent”.
SNAKES ON A…
Get these @*%$*%& snakes off this @*%$*%& page!
BED
A woman in Leith, Scotland, was cleaning her bedroom when she went to remove her son’s toy snake from the bed. Only problem: It wasn’t a toy. The snake lunged at her, then slid under the sheets. The terrified woman jumped up on a chair and called her fiancé, who rushed home and was able to catch the two-foot-long reptile. It turned out to be be a harmless corn snake. They don’t know how it got into the bed.
…CAN
In 2005 a woman in Florida required three days in the hospital after she was bitten on the leg by a venomous snake…in her toilet. Alicia Bailey said the snake—which disappeared and was not recovered—was a water moccasin, and a large one. She also said the incident had a lasting impact. “We’re currently very uncomfortable in our home,” she said, “and toilet shy.”
…STATUE
A 16-foot-long albino king cobra was found wrapped around a statue of the the Hindu goddess Amman in a Malaysian temple in 2006. King cobras are incredibly fearsome: They can make a third of their body length vertical (meaning one this large could look eye-to-eye with a human) and can deliver enough venom to kill an elephant. But seeing one is a good omen in Hindu mythology, and over the next two days more than 30,000 people passed through the temple to see the snake, leaving offerings of milk and eggs. After two days in the temple, the snake slithered away, having injured no one.
Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader Page 6
