Private Krueger sat at the bar, slowly getting drunk on vodka. Dawn was making sales of blue powder to the junkies and tourists. She would slip into the women’s restroom to complete each transaction. Mr. Kennworth thought about mugging Dawn in the restroom. Hell, it would be easier to just kill her and Willie, but the spider commander insisted that they be abducted unharmed, if possible.
“Someone should arrest that dope-dealing biker babe bitch,” commented the commando. “She’s been pushing blue powder all night.”
“That’s it!” said Mr. Kennworth. “We will pretend to be DEA agents and arrest them both. The simplicity of the plan is pure genius.”
“That won’t work,” said the commando. “We don’t have badges. We need badges to be DEA.”
“We don’t need no stinking badges,” said Mr. Kennworth.
“Yes we do.”
Mr. Kennworth took a Union pin from his fedora and pinned it to the inside of his wallet flap. He gave another pin to the commando. “If we need stinking badges, use this for a badge. Quickly flip your wallet open and shut like this when we identify ourselves. No one will question who we are because we will have our guns drawn.”
“I still say it won’t work,” said the commando. “We don’t look like DEA.”
“Sure it will,” said Mr. Kennworth. “What does DEA look like? As a back up, you plant timed explosives in the restroom and out in the parking lot to cover our getaway. Let’s do it now.”
The commando set explosives under a sink in the restroom and under a car out front. Mr. Kennworth pulled out his wallet badge in one claw and a pistol in the other. The commando drew an Uzi from under his trench coat.
“DEA!” yelled Mr. Kennworth. “Dawn, you are under arrest for violation of the Controlled Substances Act!”
“You too!” shouted the commando, grabbing Private Krueger off his bar stool.
“I don’t sell drugs,” whined Private Krueger. “It’s all on her. She’s the menace to society.”
“They let spiders in the DEA?” asked Dawn. “It’s a sad day when brother spiders are joining the DEA. What’s this galaxy coming to? May I see those badges again?”
“No!” yelled Mr. Kennworth. “There’s a new sheriff in town! We’ve been watching you two for a long time. You’re going down, big mamma!”
“Look around you,” said Dawn. “Do you think you can just waltz into a biker bar, do what you want, and waltz on out as you please? You’re both dead spider swine walking.”
Mr. Kennworth glanced to the side, keeping his pistol aimed at Dawn. She still had her belt knives. A hundred Hell’s Angels were pressing in on them. Some had already drawn firearms and knives. The commando leveled his Uzi at the bikers.
“We are all walking out to my car real peaceful,” announced Mr. Kennworth. “The Sheriff’s Office is on its way. Don’t make us use deadly force!”
“Kill them!” yelled Dawn, now thrashing about as they walked.
As she spoke, the men’s restroom blew up, leaving a gaping hole to the outside. Then a car in the parking lot exploded, blowing out the tavern’s front windows. The commando opened fire on the crowd of bikers with his Uzi, littering the floor with bodies. Mr. Kennworth grabbed Dawn and Willie, and they escaped through all the dust, carnage, and confusion.
* * * * *
“The Feds arrested Private Krueger for drugs?” I asked. “When do we get him back?”
“I don’t know,” said Sergeant Green. “That’s why I’m talking to you, sir. I was hoping you could find out. They took Dawn, too.”
“Now, that I can believe,” I said. “Where did the Feds take them?”
“I don’t know that either,” said Sergeant Green. “According to witnesses at the Angry Onion, it was DEA. I heard they resisted arrest. The Sheriff’s Office is still investigating exactly what happened.”
“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” I said. “Okay, I’ll call the DEA, or whoever, and find out about Private Krueger. We’ll get him back eventually. The good news is, that damn wedding is off. Thanks.”
I called the DEA, FBI, the Sheriff’s Office, and General Daly. No one knew who arrested Private Krueger and Dawn, or where they were taken.
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Chapter 7
Dawn and Willie were smuggled across the MDL in a trailer full of oranges. Once inside the Anthropodan Empire, they were taken to the spider commander of New Gobi Desert Sector.
“You are here for marriage counseling,” said the spider commander. “You will not be harmed. Consider yourselves to be my guests.”
“You are not DEA?” asked Private Krueger. “What a relief. I thought we were going to prison forever.”
“We already got counseling,” complained Dawn.
“You are being held by order of the Governor of the North Territory,” said the spider commander. “You will stay here until such time as your sanity returns and you cancel your hasty plans to get married.”
“It is you who is insane,” said Dawn. “You have no right to kidnap us! We are citizens of the United States Galactic Federation!”
“I have every right to detain you for your own well being,” replied the spider commander. “By right of species, you will always hold and enjoy dual citizenship in the Arthropodan Empire. With that citizenship comes certain responsibilities to the Empire. It is in the best interests of the Empire that your planned marriage to this human pestilence does not happen. That gives me the right and duty to hold you both indefinitely.”
“You can’t get more twisted logic than that!” screamed Dawn. “I will not change my mind about marrying Willie. I love him now more than ever!” Dawn wrapped four arms around Private Krueger and kissed him passionately. Mr. Kennworth had taken five knives off Dawn when she was searched. He missed a sixth knife that was hidden in a place too embarrassing for the Teamster thug to find. Dawn gave thought to stabbing the commander, but did not want to risk harm to Willie. She would wait for a better opportunity.
“You both are too young to know the meaning of love or the importance of restraint,” commented the spider commander. “You just live for the moment without any regard to consequences or duty. If necessary, you will be taken off this planet to Arthropoda for deprogramming.”
“You can’t brainwash me!” yelled Dawn. “You are immoral!”
“You have already been brainwashed by decadent American TV and music,” said the spider commander. “Your seduction was so gradual and insidious, you never even noticed the change in your personality, but look at the net result.”
“I am an American citizen,” said Dawn. “The Legion will cross the galaxy to get me back. Willie is a legionnaire. What do you think the Legion’s reaction will be to his abduction?”
“You are a spider,” said the commander. “The Legion hates you. The Legion hates our species, culture, and traditions.”
“That is not true,” said Dawn. “The Constitution protects everyone, including spiders.”
“Whatever,” said the spider commander. “Only the naïve believe that. You are ruled at the whim of the human pestilence. Their attack dogs, the Legion, are trained to hate and kill all spiders. Isn’t that right, Private Krueger? Isn’t it true you hate all spiders for killing your older brother?”
“My brother was killed in action,” said Private Krueger. “So what? Lots of legionnaires were. It happens. I don’t blame or hate anyone. I love Dawn.”
“Your brother, Sergeant Hans Krueger, was eaten alive by one of our trained monitor dragons,” said the spider commander. “Colonel Czerinski hushed that up. I can see by the expression on your ugly face, he never bothered to tell you the truth about your brother. Czerinski didn’t think you could handle knowing your brother watched himself being eaten alive.”
Private Krueger lunged at the spider commander. A guard knocked Krueger down with an electric prod.
“Do you hate me now?” asked the spider commander. “Do you hate the species that killed your brother so cruelly now? Do you
still want to marry one of us? Surely you see it is impossible. Your marriage would not last.”
“I will not eat or drink anything until you release Dawn,” said Private Krueger.
“How childish,” commented the spider commander. “What do I care whether you eat or drink? You are nothing to me.”
“I will not eat anything either,” said Dawn. “Not until you release Willie.”
“Lock them up,” ordered the spider commander. “I tire of this immaturity. Put them in separate cells.”
“You will never separate us!” shouted Dawn, drawing her knife. A guard drew his pistol to shoot. “We will never be separated!”
“Stop!” ordered the spider commander. “No one shoot! I do not want harm to come to you. Please, give me your knife, and I promise you can share the same cell. I give my word.”
Dawn slowly set her knife on to the floor. “I do not need a knife to kill the likes of you!”
Dawn and Willie were put in a cell that had two bunks. After the door slammed shut, Dawn sank to the floor and cried uncontrollably. Willie held her, trying to provide comfort. Dawn pushed him away.
“I am not stupid,” she said. “I know you told Colonel Czerinski you did not want to marry me. I hoped you would change your mind after we went to see Pastor Jim, but you did not. You think I’m ugly. Don’t touch me!”
Dawn moved over to the corner and sat down, still crying, her back to Willie. She began chanting and rocking back and forth. She refused dinner and shut everyone out, refusing to speak. She seemed to be in a trance.
It got cold in the early morning hours. Willie put his blanket around Dawn’s shoulders. “Dawn, I love you very much,” he said. “You are the most beautiful female I have ever known. I will never leave you, and I want to spend my life devoted to you.”
Dawn and Willie kissed. “Not if I have to kill you for not measuring up,” replied Dawn softly, trying to smile.
“That will not happen,” bragged Willie.
The spider commander, Mr. Kennworth, and the commando who had assisted in the abduction were watching and listening on a video feed. “I risked my life behind enemy lines to stop these two young fools from getting married?” asked the commando. “What do I care if they tie the knot? How dare you misuse your authority by using the military for such nonsense!”
“You follow orders, same as me,” said the spider commander. “Keep a civil tone about you, or I will have you up on charges.”
‘Orders?” asked the commando. “What fool would issue such an order? Your actions have forged a tighter bond between them. You can’t order youth not to fall in love.”
“If you can’t break these two love lizards up, how about we trade them for Carlos O’Neil?” asked Mr. Kennworth. “Some good can still come of this debacle.”
“I cannot acknowledge we hold them,” said the spider commander. “There would be too many repercussions.”
“Word of failure will leak out,” said Mr. Kennworth. “It always does. You had better start thinking of an exit strategy, should your deprogramming plans fail. You promised to negotiate with the Legion to get Carlos back. I did my part. I am holding you to your promise.”
“Don’t even think about killing them as an exit strategy,” warned the commando. “I won’t let that happen. This has to end soon.”
* * * * *
Four days into his hunger strike, Private Krueger went into shock due to dehydration. Spider doctors, using the database as a reference, did the best they could to force-feed Private Krueger nutrients through tubes. Strapped to a table, Private Krueger could no longer resist. Dawn’s hunger strike progressed more slowly. She could go a month without eating or drinking. Dawn gave her tormentors the silent treatment. That had more of an effect.
After about a week, an anonymous caller informed the Legion and the news media of Dawn and Willie’s fate. Armored Legion reinforcements and air support were rushed to New Gobi City. I called the spider commander on the phone to discuss the matter. “The Legion is prepared to go to war over the abduction of Private Krueger,” I threatened. “You can keep Dawn.”
“That won’t work,” interrupted Major Lopez, behind me. “Dawn is an American citizen. We must demand her return, too.”
“Fine,” I said, turning my attention back to the spider commander on the phone. “We want Dawn back, too – or else!”
“I will release both those young fools only if you release your hostage Carlos O’Neil,” replied the spider commander.
“I want the name of the spy the terrorist O’Neil was delivering the explosives to,” I demanded.
“They want iced tea in Hell,” replied the spider commander. “How does it feel to want?”
“Fine,” I said. “In the interest of peaceful coexistence, I will agree to the trade. But I am warning you. No more alien abductions.”
* * * * *
“Do you Dawn, take this man, to honor and cherish, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?” asked Pastor Jim.
“I do,” gushed Dawn.
“And do you Private Willie Krueger, take Dawn, an old-fashioned traditional female, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, on probation or in custody, and promise to measure up to the best of your ability under the threat of painful death, for as long as you are allowed to live?” asked Pastor Jim.
“Yes, I do,” promised Private Krueger.
“Then under the power granted by almighty God, and the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion, and the Church of Scientology, and Hell’s Angles Club #24, and The New Gobi County Probation and Parole Board / Narcotics Task Force, I pronounce you husband and wife,” said Pastor Jim. “You may kiss.”
Dawn and Willie ran under the crossed swords of a Legion honor guard to a waiting Legion armored car. Channel Five World News Tonight with Phil Coen broadcast the wedding event across the galaxy. Donations, big and small, for their happy-ever-after fairytale marriage poured in from sponsors on both Earth and Arthropoda. Guido handled the accounting. The lovely couple honeymooned at Harrah’s Casino & Hotel Resort on Mars. All expenses were paid by General Daly and the Legion.
The spider commander attended the Kruegers’ wedding after receiving an invitation card. He declined to comment to Channel Five World News Tonight with Phil Coen regarding rumors of Dawn and Willie being abducted by the Arthropodan military. The spider commander insisted Dawn voluntarily participate in free marriage counseling similar to that offered by human pestilence cult leader, Pastor Jim. The military commander publicly announced his personal best wishes and nothing but happiness for the newlyweds, forever after.
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Chapter 8
The spider commander waved to Guido as he passed back across the MDL. He was full of food from the wedding reception and felt a leisurely walk would do him good. “Put me down for three thousand credits on the Seahawks,” he said. “Seattle is going all the way to the Super Bowl, baby!”
“What do spiders know about football?” asked Guido, as he recorded the bet. “Never bet against the Steelers Nation. It’s a rule.”
As the spider commander approached the spider side of the DMZ, he noticed an eighteen wheeler was held up at the Arthropodan checkpoint. The human truck driver was arguing with a spider border guard. “What’s all this about?” asked the spider commander. “If this is another overweight truck, impound it. I’m sick and tired of these human pestilence truckers always pushing the rules and our patience to the limit.”
“He’s loaded with two thousand skateboards,” said the spider guard. “As you know, skateboards are on our list of dangerous prohibited American contraband.”
The spider commander read the truck’s manifest: two thousand skateboards manufactured by Cowabunga Incorporated of New Phoenix, New Colorado, USGF. “What is a skateboard?” asked the spider commander. “Why are they a problem?”
“I’m not sure,” said the spider border guard, as he accessed the database for more information. “I’
ve never seen a skateboard close up. But, they are on our list of American contraband that threatens the Arthropodan way of life.”
The spider Commander cut open a crate with his claw and examined one of the skateboards. “It looks innocent enough,” he commented. “What do you do with it?”
“Dude,” said the trucker. “You ride it like a surf board, only on the sidewalks. These skateboards are especially designed to accommodate you spiders’ unique physical characteristics. You know, what with you dudes having four feet and four hands. I’m also carrying all the necessary accessories. Dude, I have helmets, elbow pads, knee pads, shoes, gloves, Cowabunga tee-shirts, jackets, DVDs, and first-aid kits.”
“And these skateboards are prohibited?” asked the spider commander, still wanting an explanation. He was now checking the list again.
“The human pestilence intend to sell these dangerous skateboards to junior high school students,” said the spider guard. “Skateboards are a gateway item that leads to snowboarding and insanity.”
“Dude, there is nothing dangerous or subversive about skateboards,” insisted the trucker. “Skateboarding has been an integral part of American culture for over three hundred years. Even Ronald Reagan skateboarded.”
“The actor?” asked the spider commander. “Are you sure? He’s one of my favorites.”
Culture War Page 5
