And as the carriage rolled to a slow stop outside his house, he sat for a long moment and looked around. What would she think of this, he asked himself. Somehow, it was difficult to imagine her here. And there was so much he hadn't done over the years ' planted flower beds, put up curtains, all the things that Hannah had given up badgering him about long since, suddenly mattered to him now. But he was jumping way ahead of himself. He had come home to see how he felt about her, not to redesign his entire world to meet her needs, or was that in fact all he wanted to do? He seemed already to have made up his mind, and yet there was something else he had to deal with here. And he was well aware of it as he thanked the boy for driving him home, and walked quietly into his house. Jeremiah knew full well what day it was. And he wanted to go to the mines and see how things were there, but after that ' he had to be fair to her ' to whom? To Camille, he asked himself ' or Mary Ellen Browne? ' He felt as though his head was too full, as suddenly he saw Hannah watching him with her familiar frown.
Well, you don't look none the worse for wear. There was no rush to give him a hug or a hello, and he smiled at her.
You sure could take a man by surprise, standing there. How's the world been treating you since I been gone?
Not bad. What about you, boy? He laughed, but he was still a boy to her, and probably always would be.
It feels good to be home. And actually it did. The valley in which he lived meant more to him than anywhere else in the world. Even if he had come to realize there was something missing there for him. But perhaps not for too long. He looked up and saw Hannah staring at him.
What have you been up to, boy? You look guilty as hell. She knew him better than anyone in the world, enough to see that something had happened to him since he left. You been up to mischief while you were back East?
Some. His eyes smiled at her.
What kind of'some'?
It was almost impossible to explain and he wasn't sure where to begin. Well, let's see. I closed a very important business deal. He was stalling her and she refused to be fooled.
That don't interest me worth a damn, and you know that ain't what I mean. What else did you do?
I met a very charming young lady. He had decided to put her out of her misery and now the old eyes glowed.
Just how charming is that, Jeremiah? Did you pay for it, or was she free? He roared with laughter and she grinned.
That is an extremely rude question for you to ask, and certainly not appropriate for a lady. He was teasing and she knew it.
I ain't no lady. Now 'fess up.
He grinned. No, I did not 'pay for it.' She is seventeen years old, and the daughter of the man with whom I made the business deal.
You chasing after children now, Jeremiah? Isn't seventeen a mite young for you?
His brows knit at that. She was right, and it was precisely what he feared. She had hit a nerve, without meaning to. And he stood up and tried to brush the thoughts of Camille away. I'm afraid it is. That's what I told her, and her father, before I left. But something in his face suddenly looked pained and grim, and Hannah grabbed him by the arm before he left the room.
No, don't go running off like a wounded cow, you damn fool. I don't expect you to be running after an old dog like me. Maybe seventeen ain't all that young after all. Tell me what she's like. She had a sudden intuition that it could be serious. Come on, Jeremiah. Tell me about this girl you met ' you like her a lot, don't you, boy? Her eyes met his and suddenly she saw it all, and she almost gasped. She had never seen so much love in one man's eyes, and yet he couldn't have known her for very long. Why, Jeremiah ' you're serious, aren't you? Her voice was as soft as old burnished wood, and he nodded as he met her eyes.
I think I may be, my friend. I don't know ' I need to think it out' I'm not even sure she'd be happy here. She's accustomed to a very different life in the South.
Hannah was gruff when she spoke again. Well, she'd be a damn lucky girl if you decided to bring her here. Jeremiah smiled at her prejudice.
I'd be the lucky one. And then, She's a very special girl, brighter than most of the men I know, and prettier than any woman I've ever seen. You can't ask for more than that.
Is she good? It was an odd question and it caused an odd stirring in his soul ' good ' that much he didn't know about her. Jennie had been good, decent, warm, loving, kind ' Mary Ellen was a decent sort, but Camille? Good ' bright, funny, fun, delectable, sensual, passionate, exciting '
I'm sure she is. Why wouldn't she be? She was seventeen years old. But Hannah had brought another thought to mind, and now their eyes met and held.
What are you going to do about Mary Ellen, lad?
I don't know yet. I thought about it all the way home on the train.
Have you made your mind up about this girl? It sounds like you have.
I don't know that yet. What I need more than anything is time ' time to myself' to make up my mind. ' But that meant keeping his distance from everyone. He knew what he had to do, but he cringed at the thought of telling her. He remembered her words on that last Sunday afternoon ' Don't find the girl of your dreams in Atlanta. ' Don't be silly, he had said ' don't be silly ' and yet he had' . How could he have done a thing like that, and after all these years, and suddenly he was thinking of turning his whole life upside down in a way he had done for no one else, certainly not Mary Ellen Browne. All he had ever given her was one night a week, and now he wanted to offer his whole life to this outrageous child ' but he felt something for her he had never, ever felt before. A passion that seared through his very soul. He would have walked a hundred thousand miles for her, carried her across the desert, torn his heart out and put it in her hand. Suddenly he saw Hannah staring at him.
You look sick.
I think I am. He grinned. It was a kind of sickness, an insanity he had never felt before. What does one do about something like this?
Go after her, if you want her that bad, but first, you've got something else to do. They both knew he did, and he dreaded it now. She'd been good to him, and he didn't want to hurt her after all these years, except that he knew he would. There was nothing else that he could do. He turned away and looked out over the valley then. It was such a lovely place, it was difficult to imagine anyone unhappy there, except there were those who were. He turned back to Hannah then.
Have you see John Harte?
She shook her head. I hear he won't see anyone. Locked his doors and stayed drunk for more'n a week, and now he's working in the mines alongside his men. He lost almost half of them by the time the sickness went. She looked sadly at Jeremiah then. We lost two, you know, but it never hit us bad over here while you were gone. She told him who the two men were, and he looked at her unhappily. Why was there no way to stop things like that? How unfair life was at times. They say John Harte is like a wild man now. He works all night, works all day, shouts his head off at everyone, and gets drunk the minute he leaves the mines. I guess it'll take a while. It reminded Jeremiah of his lost fianc+!e again, and suddenly frightened him about Camille. What if she fell ill while he was gone, if he returned to find her dead? A sudden wave of terror swept over him, and Hannah read it on his face and shook her head. You got it bad, boy.
I know. He could barely speak after the fear of a moment before.
I hope she's worth it, 'cause she's getting a good man. She sighed. And I suspect Mary Ellen Browne's about to lose the best man she ever had.
Don't' He turned away again. Don't, dammit' . Maybe it was wrong to end it now, and yet it would be worse if he went on and married Camille in the end ' he could give Mary Ellen a choice, of course, but that wouldn't be fair to her. He sighed deeply and stood up. He wanted to bathe and change before going to the mine, and then he had to face Mary Ellen again. It was odd, only weeks before he had left her with regret, and now he was going to say good-bye to her. How strange life was. He looked at his old housekeeper and smiled. Maybe in the end, what happens will be for the best.
I hope s
o for you. He smiled at her and left the room, and half an hour later he was astride his horse and headed for the mine.
WHEN Jeremiah tied his horse to the tree behind Mary Ellen's house that night, there was no sign of the children anywhere. He went around to the front door and knocked, and she was quick to pull the door open when she saw him. She was wearing a pretty pink cotton dress and the coppery hair shone, and before he could say a word, she had thrown her arms around his neck and kissed him hard. For an instant he held back, and then he felt the familiar surge of passion rush through him and he pressed her to him, enjoying the feel of her body in his arms as he always did. And then remembering himself, he pulled away, and his eyes avoided hers as he walked her into her parlor.
How've you been, Mary Ellen?
Missing you. Her eyes searched his face and she looked desperately happy to see him as they sat down in the tiny room. They seldom spent any time there, and it made her a little uncomfortable to do so now, as though he were new to her. There was always a little awkwardness when he returned, but she knew that once they went to bed, the familiar feelings would return and things would be as they always had been. I'm glad you're back, Jeremiah. And as she said it, there was an undeniable tug at his heart. It was pain and regret and guilt. Her eyes looked imploringly at him, and he could feel his stomach churn. Suddenly the visions of Camille leapt into his head, and he could hear Amelia's words again ' get married ' and she was right, but where did that leave Mary Ellen now?
I'm glad I'm home too. He didn't know what else to say. How are the children?
Fine. She smiled almost shyly. I took them to my mother's in case you came by. I heard you were coming home tonight. He felt like a beast now. What could he say? There's a seventeen-year-old girl in Atlanta ' You look tired, Jeremiah. Do you want something to eat? She didn't say the words before we go to bed, but she might as well have. He heard them loud and clear, and he shook his head.
No, no ' I'm fine' . You been all right?
Fine. And then, without saying another word, she slipped a hand inside his shirt and gently kissed his neck. I missed you.
I missed you too. He took her in his arms and held her tight, as though to soothe her from the pain he was about to inflict, and suddenly he wasn't even sure why he should. Why did he have to say anything? Yet he did. And he knew it. And it was almost as if she knew it too. Mary Ellen slowly he pulled away we have to talk.
Not now, Jeremiah. She sounded scared, and he could feel the pounding of his heart.
Yes, we do ' I ' I have some things to say. '
Why? Her eyes were big and round and sad. She knew what was coming. She was sure. There's nothing I need to know. You're home now.
Yes, but' And then suddenly she looked at him with genuine fear. Was it more than just the confession of an indiscretion on the trip? Suddenly she sensed that he was going to change her life.
Jeremiah. ' She had sensed it before he left, feared it. She always did. What happened? Maybe she did need to know.
I'm not sure. That was worse still. And she saw easily now how confused he was.
Is there someone else? Her words were terse, her eyes sad, and looking at her was like putting a knife in his heart. How could he say the words to her?
His voice was gruff when he spoke. I think so, Mary Ellen. I don't really know. He tried desperately not to think of Camille, and in spite of that the visions of her filled his head. I'm just not sure. In the last three weeks, my whole life turned upside down.
OK She sat back against the little settee, pretending to be calm. Who's the girl?
She's very young. Much too young. Those were words that hurt. Barely more than a child. And I don't even know what I feel for her. ' His words trailed off and Mary Ellen sprang to life, leaning forward toward him, her hand on his.
Then what difference does it make? You don't have to tell me something like that. Maybe nothing was going to change after all, but he shook his head.
Yes, I do. A lot could come of it. I told her father I wanted six months to think. And then ' I might be going back' .
For good? Mary Ellen looked shocked. She didn't understand, but he shook his head again.
No. There was nothing to say except the truth. For her.
Mary Ellen reeled back as though she had been slapped. You'd marry the girl?
I might.
There was a long pause as they both sat side by side, numb, and men Mary Ellen looked sadly up at him. Jeremiah, why didn't we ever get married?
It wasn't the right time for either of us, I guess. They were wise words and his voice was soft in the small room. l don't know. It was so comfortable like this. He sat back with a tired sigh. He was suddenly exhausted. Maybe I'm just not a marrying man. That's part of what I want to think out.
Is it kids? Is that what you want?
I might. I stopped thinking about that a long time ago, but lately ' He looked unhappily at her. Mary Ellen ' I just don't know.
I could try again, you know.
He was so deeply touched that it hurt as he touched her hand. You'd be crazy to do that. You told me you almost died the last time.
Maybe this time would be different. But her eyes didn't hold much hope.
You're older now, and you already have three fine children.
But not yours. Her voice was a caress. I'd try, Jeremiah ' I would' .
I know you would. And then, because he didn't know what else to say, he silenced her with a kiss, and she pressed her body against his, until they lay breathless in the small, airless room. It was Jeremiah who finally pulled away. Mary Ellen ' don't '
Why not? There were tears in her eyes now' . Why the hell not. ' I love you, don't you know that? Her voice rang out with a passion that cut him to the quick. He loved her too, with a friendship and compassion born of seven years. But he had never wanted to marry her, to live with her, be with her ' the way he wanted to be with Camille. He held her close and let her cry.
Mary Ellen, please '
Please what? Please good-bye? That's what you came here to say, isn't it? With tears in his own eyes now, he nodded his head. But that's crazy, you don't even know this other girl' this ' child! ' And all you want to do is think about it for six months. If you have to think about it, it can't be right. She was fighting for her life, but she sounded more strident than crushed. He stood up, and looked down at her ravaged face as she began to sob, and he scooped her up in his arms again. There was nothing left for him to say. He walked slowly upstairs and laid her down on her bed, stroking her hair, and soothing her like a small child.
Mary Ellen, don't' you're going to be all right. But she only looked at him with heartbroken eyes. For her, nothing would ever be the same again. Empty Saturday nights without him stretched ahead of her like a long, lonely road. And what would people say? That he'd cast her aside? She cringed as she imagined her own mother's words ' I told you he'd do that, you little whore ' and that was all she was now. Jeremiah Thurston's Saturday night whore. All those years of pride and now he'd be gone. She should have grabbed him years before, she told herself, but even she knew that she'd never really even come close. They had both been too comfortable with things as they were.
He sat beside her in the room's only chair as she lay on her bed and sobbed, and at last she looked at him with her big sorrowful green eyes. I never wanted it to end like this.
Neither did I. And I didn't have to say anything to you tonight, but that wouldn't have been fair to you. I didn't want to tell you in six months, and I really do have to think.
What about? ' and then with a tiny choked sob, What's she like?
I'm not really sure. She's very young, and bright, and then he told a lie for Mary Ellen's sake. She's not as pretty as you.
Mary Ellen smiled. He had always been kind. I'm not sure I believe that.
But it's true. You're a beautiful woman. And there will be other men. You deserve more than just Saturday nights, Mary Ellen. I've thought that for a long time. It was se
lfish of me.
I didn't mind. But he suspected that she did, and she had held her tongue. And then slowly the tears began to flow again, and it hurt him so to see her cry that he kissed her eyes and drank away her tears with his lips. And slowly her arms reached out to him again, and she pulled him close, and this time, he was unable to resist her. He held her tight and they lay on the bed, and suddenly he was as desperately hungry for her as he had always been. And tonight, as he fell asleep, his head beside hers, she wore a tiny smile, and kissed him on the cheek as she turned out the light.
JEREMIAH! When Mary Ellen awoke the next morning, he was gone, and she leapt from the bed with a look of fear. Jeremiah! She ran down the stairs, trailing her pink satin robe on the stairs, her lush figure making him turn to stare at her as she stood in the kitchen doorway.
Good morning, Mary Ellen. He looked businesslike as he set down two full mugs. I made coffee so it would be ready when you got up. She nodded, and looked frightened again. The night before she had been sure that she had changed his mind, and now suddenly she was no longer sure. Her voice was frightened and soft.
Are we going to church? They sometimes did. But now nothing was the same anymore. He nodded slowly at her, took a sip of the coffee, and then set it down.
Yes, we are. There was a pregnant pause. And then I'm going home. And they both knew that it was for the last time, but she hadn't given up the fight yet.
Jeremiah. ' She took a deep breath as she set down her cup. You don't have to change anything. I understand. You were decent to tell me about it last night' about' about her. ' She almost choked on the word, but she didn't want to lose this man.
It was the only thing I could do. He looked hardened now. He knew he was going to cause her pain, and it was the only thing he could do. He felt stronger than last night, and that frightened her most. I care about you. I couldn't lie to you about what was in my thoughts.
Thurston House (1983) Page 9
