All right, all right. It was just the sun. But he didn't think she looked well now, and he noticed in the next few days that she wasn't eating very much. He questioned her about the doctor again, and she was going to fob him off, but he wouldn't let her do that. Antoine, I'm fine.
You are not. He had actually shouted at her, but it was different than the fights with Jon. It was so obvious that he was worried about her, and she was touched, so that when it almost happened again, he almost dragged her back to the house at noon, and fortunately Andr+! was at the architect's again. Now, do you call your doctor, Sabrina, or do I?
For heaven's sake ' She was embarrassed, but he wouldn't let her off the hook. He stood by the phone, looking at her menacingly, and finally she laughed. It's a good thing you're not my son, Antoine, I wouldn't have a chance against you. But she was teasing him and she looked at him gratefully as she went to the phone to call. It was nice knowing that he cared that much, and now two people did. Andr+! and his son. She called the doctor and made an appointment for the following afternoon. And do you know what he's going to say?
Yes. Antoine looked intransigent. That you work too hard. Look at Papa, he works hard too, but he takes a nap each day. It was a habit he had brought from France, La sieste, but because of it he looked young and healthy.
I don't have the patience for that.
Well, you should. But he was pleased that she was going to see her doctor. At least he had accomplished that much. Do you want me to drive you into town tomorrow?
No. That's fine. I have some other things to do anyway. And she didn't want to make a fuss of it, or Andr+! would wonder what was going on.
You'll tell me what they say? She saw the fear rampant in his eyes, and it was almost as though he were a little boy again. She went to him and looked up into his eyes. He was a great deal taller than she, but she felt protective toward him now.
It won't be anything terrible, Antoine. I'm in perfect health, and I promise you, I feel fine. I think probably all that strain with my mother turning up, and going to court, and ' They both knew she had almost added Jonathan to the list. I think it all wore me out, and I'm paying for it now.
I was so sad they did that to you. He looked down at her almost as though she were his mother now.
So was I. But maybe it was just as well to clear it all up. And yet through it she still felt that she had lost her son. She had seen a side of him she could not forget. Even now. And now, I want you to stop worrying about me. And I promise you, I'll tell you everything the doctor says. But when she sat in his office the next day, she knew she couldn't keep her promise to Antoine. She sat staring at the doctor she had known for years, shock and disbelief stamped on her face. But that couldn't be ' it's not possible ' the last time it took ' and I thought that by now ' She stared at him. It was impossible to believe. But the doctor was smiling gently at her.
It's true, Sabrina. That test doesn't lie. At least not when it's positive. And it was. You're pregnant, my dear.
But I can't be. In fact, last year I know I started the change of life. I haven't even had my period since ' She counted back and then stared at him. Oh no ' It had been two months. He was right. She hadn't associated it with Andr+!. She was just happy not to be bothered with it. I never thought ' My God, if I hadn't almost fainted in the fields the other day ' It would have been months before she'd known. And she still couldn't believe it was true. But both other times it took me years to get pregnant, and '
The doctor reached across his desk and patted her hand.
It isn't always like that, my dear. And for all you know the problem then was John.
Oh my God.
She was so distressed then, that a terrible thought occurred to him. You do know who the father is, don't you?
Of course! She looked even more shocked than she had before. But I have no idea what he'll think of this ' we're business associates and friends, but' at our age ' we had no plans ' we ' Tears suddenly filled her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. How cruel fate was. Why couldn't she have met him fifteen years before and then perhaps ' What am I going to do? She cried openly into the handkerchief he handed her, and then blew her nose and looked at him. Will you take care of it? It was a shocking thing to ask, and they both knew it was against the law, but she didn't know where else to turn. He was the only doctor that she knew, except an old man in St. Helena she'd gone to years before, but he looked sadly at her now.
I can't do that, Sabrina. You know that.
I'm forty-eight years old. You can't expect me to have this child? I'm not even married to the man.
Do you love him? She nodded her head and blew her nose again. Then why not marry him and have the child?
I can't do that. We both have grown sons. We'll be a laughingstock. He's fifty-five, I'm forty-eight. And at his age, he could still get away with it. He looks like a young man. But I could be a grandmother by now for heaven's sake.
So what? Other women have done it before. I had a patient two years ago who was fifty-two years old. The same thing happened to her, except that she was married of course. And she and her daughter wound up in the hospital having a baby at the same time. You won't be the first one, Sabrina.
But I'd feel like a fool. And I refuse to force him to marry me. ' She smiled through her tears and laughed and cried at the same time. It's so ridiculous, at my age to be forced into marrying a man because of a pregnancy.' She looked at the old doctor and started to cry again, and then looked at him pathetically. I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
It's understandable. It's quite a shock for anyone. And I have to admit, in your circumstances, Sabrina, it's not an easy situation. Is he a nice man, at least? Could you be happy with him?
Yes, I could. But they had never discussed marriage and there was no reason for him to marry her. They were reasonably comfortable as things were. But still ' a baby at our age ' She thought of Jon, and the baby she had lost before him, that one had been a girl they said, and she hadn't even been considered terribly young then, but at forty-eight ' it was inconceivable, and yet she had. She looked at the doctor again then. She knew what she had to do. She just didn't know where to go for it. Can't you help me find an abortionist? I just can't go through with this. It's not right.
You can't be the judge of that. He frowned at her. If it happened, then perhaps it is. Perhaps one day, you'll find it was the greatest blessing that you ever had. He refused to give her what she wanted from him. And he stood up to indicate that the visit was at an end. Now, I want to see you three weeks from now, Sabrina. And try to get off your feet as much as possible. There's no reason why, at your age, you can't give birth to a healthy child, but you want to be more careful than you might have been twenty years ago. Twenty years ago ' how ridiculous that this should happen now. She suddenly felt angry at him, and herself, and Andr+!, for getting her into this. For God's sake, she was pregnant and forty-eight years old, or at least she would be in May, and by then she would be four months along. Damn.
She left the doctor's office and went home, her mind full of everything he had said to her ' about the baby ' and Andr+! ' that it could prove to be the greatest blessing of their lives one day, but she refused to even think of that. She had to find an abortionist and fast. She knew she had only a few weeks left before it became very dangerous for her. And she had no idea whom to ask. How did one find an abortionist? She had never even thought of it before and she strained to think now, but as she did, the memory of the baby she had lost kept haunting her. She remembered her own grief at the loss, and John's. How could she think of killing a baby now, because that was what it was. But how could she not? She lay down on her bed, feeling sick, thinking of it, just as the phone rang. It was Antoine.
What did the doctor say? He had worried about her all day, and his father had just gone into town to buy some supplies, so he rushed to call Sabrina before? Andr+!came back.
Nothing, dear. I'm fine. I told you, it's just fatigue. But her voice sounded strained, eve
n to her own ears, and he didn't sound convinced.
Are you sure that's what he said?
I promise you. She lied to him, but what choice did she have? I'll come back tomorrow or the next day.
I thought you were coming back tonight. He sounded worried again, as though he had been her son, and she was touched to tears again. She had to fight to keep them from her voice. Suddenly everything that happened made her cry.
I found that I have a little work to do here. Is everything all right up there, Antoine?
Yes, fine. He told her what they had done all day. You're sure it's nothing then? He sounded a little bit relieved at last. It wasn't cancer then. He always thought of that. And he had with her.
Positive. Positive was certainly the right word this time, and she smiled ruefully as she talked to him, and then Andr+! came back and took the phone.
What are you up to there, m'amie? He called her that sometimes, my friend, except when they were alone at night when he called her cherie or mon amour, my darling and my love.
Nothing much. I found a stack of mail I had to take care of sitting here. I really have to work something out about that. Maybe someone could send it to me when I stay in Napa for more than a few days.
That's a thought. It was a relief just to hear his voice and she had an urge to tell him what the doctor had said, but she knew she couldn't do that. She didn't want to put that kind of pressure on him. What if he felt he had to marry her? It could ruin everything. It was better not to say anything. She would take care of it herself, and he would never know. When are you coming back? There was an urgency in his voice that made her smile. She loved him even now, perhaps more, and she was sorry again that it hadn't happened fifteen years before. Maybe then she could have told him, and married him, and let the baby live. But not now.
I'll try to come back tomorrow or the next day. I was just telling Antoine, I found a ton of work to do here, in my mail.
Can't you bring it up here? It was unusual for her to linger in town. Sabrina, is there something wrong? He already knew her too well, but after a year of partnership and two months of sharing her bed, he knew her perfectly, down to the very depths of her soul. In some ways, he knew her better than anyone ever had, even in this short time, but they were soul mates in every way.
No, no, everything is fine. She lied to him as she had to Antoine. Honestly. She had to fight back tears again.
Did you hear from Jon?
No. Nothing. I suppose he's busy at school. It's the end of his senior year. ' She always made excuses for him.
And Andr+! hated to ask, but he could hear something in her voice. Something from Camiile?
No, thank God. She smiled. She missed him so terribly, and it had been only a few hours since she'd seen him last. It seemed almost as though she needed him more now, but she couldn't let him see that need.
Well, hurry home. He would have offered to come in to be with her, but he had too much to do just then. I miss you, chirie, he whispered into the phone as the tears rolled down her cheeks and she fought to keep normalcy in her voice.
So do I.
She lay awake for most of that night, alternating between tears and an iron resolve, and the next morning, she picked a directory, and selected a doctor's name in an unattractive part of town. His office hovered on the edge of the Tenderloin, and there were two drunks asleep on the street when she arrived there by cab at noon. She walked gingerly into the building, which reeked of urine and cabbage, and walked up the creaking stairs. She was relieved to see that the waiting room was immaculate, and when she was ushered in by an ancient nurse, she saw a short, fat, balding, spotlessly clean little man in a white coat. She wasn't sure if she was disappointed or relieved, and she took a deep breath before she spoke to him as he smiled reassuringly at her.
Doctor ' I ' I apologize in advance if what I'm going to ask is an affront to you. ' Her eyes watered as she spoke and looked at him. I came to you because I'm desperate. '
He looked at her, wondering what would come next. He had seen everything in the past forty years at this address. Yes? I will do whatever I can.
I need an abortion. And I picked your name out of the directory. I don't know whom to ask, where to go' . The tears rolled down her cheeks, and she expected him to leap to his feet and point to the door. Instead, he looked at her compassionately, and he seemed to weigh his words for a long time.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you feel you cannot have the baby, Mrs. Smith. She had made the appointment as Joan Smith and suddenly remembered why he called her that, as he went on. Are you sure there is no possibility of going on with the pregnancy?
He hadn't refused her yet, and she slowly began to hope. Perhaps she had come to the right place after all. I'm forty-eight years old. I'raa widow with a grown son who is graduating from college this year. That seemed enough reason to her but not to him.
And the father of this child?
Is my business associate. We are good friends, she blushed, obviously. He's seven years older than I am, his son is even older than mine. We have no intention of marrying ' it's just impossible. '
Have you told him yet?
She hesitated and then shook her head. I only found out yesterday. But I don't want to pressure him. I just want to take care of it and go home.
You live elsewhere?
Part of the time. She was intentionally vague. She didn't want him to know who she was. Hence the Mrs. Smith, he would undoubtedly have recognized the name, and he didn't need to know.
Don't you think you owe it to him to at least discuss it with him? She shook her head and he looked at her with kindly eyes. It wasn't the first time he had been asked for this kind of help, and he knew it wouldn't be the last. I think you're mistaken, Mrs. Smith. I think he has a right to know too. And your age doesn't seem like an appropriate deterrent to me. Other women your age have borne children before. It is a slightly greater risk, but this is not your first pregnancy, which reduces that risk considerably. I just don't think you should do this without giving it a great deal of thought. How pregnant do you believe you are?
Two months. She knew it couldn't be more than that, because they had only been sleeping with each other for slightly more than eight weeks. She had counted it out carefully the night before.
The doctor nodded. Then you don't have much time.
Will you help me then?
He hesitated. He didn't do it anymore, although he had a long time ago, but a young girl had almost died, and he had promised himself not to do it again, and he never had. And for some reason, he felt that it would be wrong to do it for her. I just can't, Mrs. Smith.
Sabrina gasped almost angrily. Then why did you ' why ' I thought when you listened to me
I'd rather convince you to have the child.
Well, I won't! She leapt to her feet, crying openly now. I'll do it myself, dammit, if you won't. And for an instant he thought she might and it frightened him.
I can't help you. For your sake or mine. He could lose his license and never practice again. He could wind up in jail. But there was another possibility. He had given the name to someone before, and she had been pleased. He sighed and pulled his pad and pen toward him. He used a blank sheet, without his name, and scratched a name and phone number and handed it to her. Call this man.
Will he do it? Her eyes were fierce as she looked at him. The doctor nodded somberly.
Yes, he will. He's in Chinatown. He was a great surgeon once, but he got caught at this. I sent someone else to him. ' He looked sadly at Sabrina and told her what he thought again. But I think you should have the child. If you were poverty-stricken, or diseased ' or had been raped ' or were a morphine addict ' but you look like a decent woman to me, and probably your friend is too. You could give this child a home with love. And he had noticed the fine wool of the black suit she wore. It was old but it had been expensive once. And even if her funds were slim now, a woman like this would find a way. Think about it, Mrs. Smith. The opportun
ity may never come again. And you may always regret not having this child. Think of that. Think about it carefully before you call that name. He waved at the sheet of paper she held in a trembling hand. Afterward, there's no turning back, and even if you have another baby after this, you may always regret this one. He reminded her of the one she had lost. Even Jon had never quite filled that void. It was a dream forever gone, as this would be ' but she could not allow herself to think like that. She had no choice. She stood up then and shook his hand.
Thank you for helping me. She felt relieved. At least now she knew where to go.
Think about it carefully. His words echoed again in her head as she left, and when she got home she sat at her desk for a long time, feeling ill and trembling violently. She had to dial the number three times before she got it right, and a woman with an accent answered the phone at the other end.
I'd like an appointment with the doctor please.
Who gave you his name? The voice was suspicious, and Sabrina's hand trembled on the phone as she held her breath and then gave the name of the doctor she had just seen. There was a long silence then, as though someone else was monitoring the call, and then the woman answered her. He'll see you next week.
When?
A pause again. Wednesday night. That seemed odd to her, but she knew that it wouldn't be your ordinary office visit to a doctor downtown. At six. Wait at the back door, knock twice, then knock again. And bring five hundred dollars with you, cash. The voice was as harsh as the words, and Sabrina almost gasped, not at the amount but at the image it conjured up.
Will he do it then? There was no point pretending now. They both knew what she wanted from him. Perhaps it was all he did. But why at night? What difference did it make, she told herself. She wondered how long it would take.
Yes. And if you get sick afterward, don't call us back.
He won't help you then. Their approach was certainly direct, and Sabrina wondered who she would call in an emergency. Perhaps the doctor who had referred her to him. She couldn't call her own, or could she ' the questions raced through her head like bats, and when she hung up the phone again, she felt as though she might throw up, and eventually she did. She was violently ill as she knelt on the bathroom floor, thinking of the appointment she had made. Wednesday night. At six. It was six days away, and she dreaded it. But there was no turning back now.
Thurston House (1983) Page 41
