by SJ McCoy
“I don’t know if it’s because they’re so big, or so old—it’s probably both, but it just gives me this sense of wonder. It makes me feel small and insignificant.”
He raised an eyebrow at her.
“I’m just one of hundreds of people who will pass through here today. One of thousands this year. We all have our problems and our stories, we’re the center of our own universe, but to the trees we’re just like ants marching by, going about our busy little lives while they stand watch over the centuries. We’ll come and go, and they’ll still be here, holding the world together.”
Chance smiled. “That’s so true. It’s one of the reasons I love to come here. It puts things in perspective.”
Hope was watching his face. He looked like he was a million miles away. “Has it been a long time? Since she died?” She wanted to cut her tongue out as soon as she’d asked. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t pry about his past, about the woman he still loved.
His eyes narrowed and his lips pressed into that thin line that she was already growing used to. He didn’t answer, just kept his gaze fixed on the road ahead.
“I’m sorry. It just came out. I was thinking about how our lives are so short compared to the trees. It made me think … I’m sorry.”
He nodded slowly. “It’s okay. I get it. I’m just not used to talking about her. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t talk about it. And they know better than to try to make me.”
“I’m sorry.”
He turned and tried to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s okay. You didn’t know. How could you? You don’t know me.” He sighed. “No one really does. I don’t allow them to. All I let people know is where my boundaries are—and that they shouldn’t cross them.”
She nodded. “Is it lonely?”
He turned and met her gaze. “Yes. It is, but it’s easier than letting anyone in. When you let them in, they want to help you.”
“And you don’t want to be helped?”
“It’s not that.” He thought about it for a few moments as he drove. “Or maybe it is. Maybe I’ve been so stuck on clinging to the past that no, I don’t want anyone to help me. See, people try to help by trying to make you feel better. I haven’t wanted to feel better. Feeling better would be like saying it was okay that she was gone. And it isn’t.”
Hope nodded. “Do you really think that’s what it means? That if you feel better, you’re saying that it’s okay that she died?” She didn’t wait for him to answer. “I don’t see it that way. I think that feeling better just means that you’re getting stronger.” He didn’t look too happy about that. She already knew he thought he was plenty strong enough. “It takes a different kind of strength to be able to carry on without her.”
He shrugged. She could tell he didn’t like where this was going, and she didn’t need to push it. She didn’t need to push her opinion or her ways of coping onto him. She’d been hoping to maybe discuss it, but he obviously wasn’t ready to.
“When my mom died, I didn’t want to carry on without her.” She sneaked a peek over at him. He was curious about what she was saying, but he was still pissed at the implication that he wasn’t strong. It was time to change the subject. She was relieved to see the road widen up ahead in front of a gas station and convenience store. “Can we stop up there? I’d love to get a drink.”
He nodded and shot her a smile. “Yeah. I think we’re both ready for a break, aren’t we? We should pick up a map of all the attractions around here and go do something goofy.”
She laughed. “Yeah, why not!” She’d been taking their conversation down a dark and serious path and that wasn’t what this was supposed to be about. They were here to have some fun. They were only together to have some fun, and she’d do well to remember that.
Chapter Eleven
It was late in the afternoon before they even thought about heading back. They’d had to wait in line—which had surprised Chance this early in the season—with a bunch of other cars to take their turn to drive through a tree trunk that spanned the road. He’d laughed at the look on Hope’s face as he’d stopped the car and they’d opened the sunroof and looked up into the massive tree above them.
She’d turned to him and made a face. “I feel as though we’re disrespecting it.”
He’d laughed. “Try to look at it another way. Maybe we’re brightening its day? Maybe this old tree has stood here for centuries and the dumb little humans who’ve come along lately and taken to driving through here like this are just an amusing distraction.”
She didn’t look convinced. “I’ll try, but I can’t help thinking it would rather lift its foot and stomp on us for being an annoyance.”
At that, Chance had started up the engine again with a laugh. “Maybe we should get out of here then, just in case you’re right.”
They’d stopped at a little diner and he’d gone inside while she waited in the car. When he came back with burgers and fries for them she’d grinned and devoured them as if she were starving. She’d laughed at the look on his face as he watched her. “Sorry, I never allow myself to eat this stuff, but I wasn’t going to say no, since you offered.”
Now they were heading back up the coast. Chance’s phone started to ring and he jumped guiltily. He’d called Alice earlier to tell her he wouldn’t be going in to see them today. She’d been fine with that and had told him to enjoy himself, but part of him couldn’t help feeling guilty that he was supposed to be here for his dad, but instead he was out with Hope.
She looked over at him. “Do you need to get that?”
He shrugged. “Would you look who it is?”
She picked the phone up out of the console and looked at the screen. “It says Cassidy.”
Chance frowned. He had no idea what she might want, but it could be important. Cassidy didn’t normally call him. He spotted a pull out a little farther up and nodded. The phone had stopped ringing by the time he pulled over, so he called her back.
“Hey, I was just about to leave you a voicemail,” she said, when she picked up.
“Sorry. I’m driving. Is everything okay?”
“You’re driving? Where are you?”
Chance pursed his lips, wishing he’d let her leave a voicemail and called her back later. This obviously wasn’t anything important if she was more interested in what he was doing. “We came out for a drive to see the Redwoods.” Damn! Why had he said we?
Of course, Cassidy picked up on it straight away. “I thought your dad and Alice were busy at the clinic the whole time. Who’s we?”
He wanted to tell her it was none of her business, but he could hardly do that with Hope sitting next to him. He didn’t want her to think he was trying to hide her or anything. “I made a friend. She’s brought someone to the clinic, too.”
“Ooh! Tell me more!”
Chance couldn’t help but smile. He liked Cassidy. “How about I call you back some other time? Like I said, I’m driving right now.”
“Oh! You mean you’re still in the car, and she’s with you?”
“Yup.”
Cassidy laughed. “I’m not going to say I’m sorry. I’m thrilled! I’m thrilled that you met someone and I’m thrilled that I get to put you on the spot like this.”
Chance shook his head.
“What’s her name?”
Chance glanced over at Hope. She was looking out the window, doing her best not to listen in, but she must know how the conversation was going. “Hope,” he said. She turned to look at him and he rolled his eyes. “This is Cassidy, my friend’s wife, and I’m about to get twenty questions about you. I thought you might as well know that, because Cassidy is only going to try to make me squirm.”
Hope smiled at him as Cassidy laughed down the line. “Well played, sir. Say hi to her for me. I hope you’re going to bring her out here when you get done with your dad?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh, I see. She’s just something to keep you busy while yo
u’re away?”
“Something like that.” What else could he say? It didn’t feel like that. He didn’t want it to be just that, but that was what they’d agreed this was going to be. It was all it could be.
“Okay. I’ll leave you to it then.”
It was Chance’s turn to laugh this time. “Err, are you going to tell me what you wanted? Why did you call?”
“Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I know you won’t be back next week, but dinner’s at our house the following Wednesday. I’m making something special and I wanted to know if you’ll be here? I need to get my numbers right.”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.” It was strange to think about returning to his regular life. Two weeks from now he’d back in it, having dinner at Shane and Cassidy’s with all the other Remington brothers.
“Great. I’ll leave you to it. You have fun, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”
He laughed. He was pretty sure there wasn’t anything Cassidy wouldn’t do. “Okay. See ya.” He hung up and smiled at Hope. “Sorry about that. Cassidy is, well she’s just Cassidy.”
Hope smiled back. “And you said she’s your friend’s wife?”
He nodded. “She is. Which kind of makes her my sister-in-law. I call the Remingtons my friends because it’s the simple way to explain things, but they’re more like brothers to me.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Well, we’ve got a long drive ahead of us. I’d love to hear the not-so-simple version.”
Chance nodded and started the car. He wasn’t sure what to tell her about how the Remingtons had become such a big part of his life, but he was surprised to realize that he wanted to try to explain it.
~ ~ ~
Hope watched him as he pulled back out onto the road. He was obviously considering her request. Maybe she was prying too much again, but she wanted to learn more about him. When he’d asked her to check his phone to see who was calling, she’d been shocked at the way her heart had leapt into her mouth when she saw the name on the display. She’d immediately assumed that Cassidy must be a girlfriend, and she’d been jealous! How ridiculous was that? If Cassidy was his girlfriend then it was Hope who was in the wrong, but she’d felt a strong reaction to this woman who had some claim on Chance that she didn’t. She’d felt stupid listening to him talk to Cassidy. That obviously wasn’t a conversation with a girlfriend. It sounded more like a friend who was ragging on him. And it turned out to be exactly that. She looked over at him again, assuming he must have decided to just ignore her request to tell her about how the Remingtons had become brothers to him.
He turned and smiled at her. “I’m just figuring out where to start.”
She smiled back. “I find that the beginning is usually the best place.”
He rolled his eyes at her. “Yeah, unless you’re trying to avoid that part.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “That’s the hard part.”
“The part you never talk about, right?”
He nodded.
“Okay, so don’t start there, if you don’t want to.”
He nodded. “The trouble is, I think I do. I just don’t know how.”
“Is it all about her?” Hope knew somehow that his whole history—his whole life—revolved around the woman he’d lost.
Chance nodded. “Everything is. It always has been. Ever since she died.”
“How long ago was it?”
“Eighteen years. I think that’s maybe why it’s all coming to the surface so much lately. There’s something about the fact that we were eighteen when she died and now it’s eighteen years later.”
Hope wanted to reach out and touch him; he looked so sad and lost as he spoke. She knew better, though. He wasn’t looking for comfort, not from her, or from anyone who was still alive. The only person who could comfort him was the girl who would never be able to. Chloe.
Chance shook his head and peered out through the windscreen, watching the road as he drove. “I’ve spent half my life grieving for her. She’s never coming back.”
Hope nodded. She wanted to tell him that she believed Chloe would want him to live his life, not waste it mourning over her. She’d never dare voice that thought, though.
He shot her a quick glance. “This is hardly a fun, fling conversation, is it?”
She smiled. “It’s friends’ conversation. I told you. I’ll be a listening ear for you, if that’s what you want.”
He surprised her by reaching over and squeezing her thigh. “It’s not what I want. It really isn’t. But I think it’s what I need. I just don’t think I should be talking about all this while I’m driving. I want to get you home safe.”
She looked at the clock on the dash. “It should only take us an hour to get back. What do you think, shall we call ahead and order something to eat from that Chinese place? We can pick it up on our way through so we won’t need to worry about making anything and then we can sit and drink wine and talk. If you want?” As she finished speaking, she realized it might sound as though she was inviting him to stay with her tonight. If she was honest, she wanted him to, but that hadn’t been what she meant. She just wanted to take care of all the details of the evening ahead, so that he could relax and be able to tell her as much of his story as he wanted to. As curious as she was about him, as much as she would like to get to know him, it wasn’t about that. It was about wanting to help him work through whatever he was dealing with. From everything he’d said, she knew he needed to work through his past—and his feelings about it—before he’d be able to start living again. That was what he’d said, that it was serendipitous that the two of them should meet, just after he’d decided it was time to start living again.
~ ~ ~
When they got back to the big house, Chance parked the car in the circular driveway out front. He came around to open Hope’s door and she smiled up at him.
“Are you ready?” he asked, planning to lift her out of there and carry her inside.
“Just a minute.” She dug inside her purse and handed him the front door key. “Will you do the honors with that?” She moved to the edge of the seat and swung her legs out.
Chance was puzzled. “You don’t want me to get you?”
She looked up into his eyes. “I want to show you that even in this state, I’m still capable. I’m not dependent on you.”
The words might have sounded harsh, if it weren’t for the look that she gave him to go with them. The look was kind and encouraging. It was almost as though she was trying to support him, though why, he didn’t know. He offered her his hand and she pulled herself to her feet.
“Call me crazy,” she said with a smile, “but I just feel like you won’t be able to lean on me if you have to keep carrying me around.”
“I don’t need to lean on you.”
“And I don’t need you to carry me around. I like it, and I know it’s something you can take in your stride. If it was an effort for you, I wouldn’t let you do it at all.”
Chance nodded, understanding. “And you want me to feel that you’re strong enough for me to lean on, to tell you my story, right?”
She nodded. “Like I said, call me crazy.”
“Nah. You’re not crazy. I get it, and I appreciate it. Are you at least going to let me help you?” He offered her his arm.
She leaned on it and started hobbling her way to the front door. “I am, and I hope you’ll let me help you.”
Half an hour later, they were sitting in the great room with a bunch of Chinese takeout boxes on the coffee table. Hope shook her head. “I’m going to have to be careful or I’ll gain twenty pounds while I’m here.”
Chance looked her over. She had a great figure. She was athletic, not skinny. “You look pretty good to me,” was all he dared to say.
She laughed. “Thank you, but I stay in shape because I eat carefully most of the time and I work out every day. So far this week I’ve had one run that got cut short and then I’ve spent the rest of the time sitting on my ass and eating w
ay too much junk food.”
“You’ll work it off when you get back to your life.” It struck him again that this time they were spending here together was an anomaly. A brief period where normality was suspended. Just as he’d be back at the ranch two weeks from now, having dinner at Shane and Cassidy’s, she’d be back in her life, doing whatever it was she normally did.
She met his gaze. “I will, but part of me wishes I didn’t have to go back. I wish I could just run away from it. I wish I could just stay here, and …” She stopped abruptly. “But I can’t and neither can you. We need to make the most of this while it lasts.”
He nodded. He intended to.
“So, are you going to tell me how the Remingtons became your family?”
He nodded. He’d been thinking about it on the rest of the drive home and he’d decided that this was his perfect opportunity to talk through his past. Hope was someone he could talk to. She wouldn’t judge and she wasn’t a part of his life. Whatever he said wouldn’t affect her—or him—because after next weekend, he’d never see her again. “Yeah, I think I’m finally ready to tell my story.” He smiled at her. “And I’m glad you’re the one I get to tell it to.”
The way she smiled, he knew she cared. She was someone safe to talk to. He understood in that moment that he mattered to her. She wasn’t so much interested in his story as interested in him—and in helping him.
“Okay, like I said. Chloe was eighteen when she died. We dated all the way through high school. We were going to go away to college together and then come back and get married and live out our life at the lake.” He stared out through the window at the ocean. “We were out one night with all our friends. There was this one chick who had a crush on me. She was flirting and Chloe got mad. We had a fight.” He shook his head, remembering the last time he’d seen her. She’d been well and truly mad, her eyes flashing as she tossed her hair over her shoulder and turned and stormed out. “I should have gone straight after her, and I didn’t. I gave it a bit of time so she might calm down before I got to her. When I got up to her house, she wasn’t there. Her sister told me she’d gone off with a guy.” He stopped, needing to calm down before he continued. Just thinking about that bastard made his blood boil even now. “Kyle Hutchens, he’d been sniffing around her for months. I was madder than hell. I wanted to go after them, but her sister, Renée, made me promise I wouldn’t. See, I had a temper. I would have ….” What would he have done? What might he have found if he’d gone after them? “Renée made me promise I’d wait till morning. And I did. She promised she’d get Chloe to talk to me the next day, but that didn’t happen.”
