by SJ McCoy
Chance felt bad as he listened to her. Whatever she was talking about evidently did still cause her pain. He could tell by the set of her shoulders as she talked and the way she didn’t turn around until she’d finished.
“Okay, it’s ready. Do you want to eat here or shall we take it to the sofa?”
Chance smiled. “The sofa. I want you to put that foot up.”
She smiled back. “Okay, you win.”
After they’d eaten, Chance cleared the dishes and went to sit on the sofa beside her. She rested her head on his shoulder. “Can I ask a question that’s been bothering me?”
Chance pressed his lips together and nodded. It was only fair that she should be able to ask, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t want to tell her whatever it was she wanted to know. “Fire away.”
She turned and smiled at him. “It’s not anything too terrible; at least, I hope it isn’t. It’s just me being greedy. Do you want to say tonight?”
He sighed. “Want to? Yeah, I want to, but I’m not going to. Maybe next time?” He stroked her hair away from her face. “I’m sorry.”
“Please, don’t be. I understand.”
He smiled. He didn’t think she could understand, but he did appreciate her trying.
Chapter Sixteen
“Thanks, Bill. I guess I’ll just see you next week, then. You know how to get hold of me, if you want me.” Hope blew out a sigh as she hung up and put the phone down on the table. She’d come outside to drink her coffee this morning while she checked in with her Operations Director. Everything was going smoothly, and no, they didn’t need her for anything. It made her happy, but at the same time it made her feel a little lost. When she and Chance had talked last night, she’d told him that she didn’t feel that her business did anything real or valuable. That wasn’t entirely true; it provided jobs for a lot of people and great clothes for people to work out in. She shrugged. It wasn’t changing the world though, and now it seemed she wasn’t a necessary part of whatever it did achieve.
Oh well. She’d worry about all of that when she got home. She still had a week here in Oregon—a week with Chance, time to forget about her real life and what she might, or might not be, achieving in it. She checked the clock on the wall. It was almost eight o’clock. Chance had said he’d call her at eight thirty. She wished he hadn’t felt he needed to go back to his cottage last night. She’d said she understood, and she was trying to, but she really couldn’t know how it felt for him. She had no doubt that he’d slept with plenty of women before—he was a skillful lover, and that didn’t come without practice. No, it wasn’t the physical intimacy he had a problem with; it was the emotional intimacy. She should be pleased that he felt close enough to her that it bothered him. A part of her was, but another part of her wished he was capable of more. She shook her head. There were too many things standing in the way for them, even if he were capable and willing to explore a relationship with her. She had to stop being greedy and just enjoy what was.
She had an idea about what they could enjoy today and she was hoping that he’d go for it. The only reason he might not would be because of her ankle, but it was doing much better and she knew she’d be fine. When he’d talked about the animals he cared for last night, his face had lit up. She knew it was something that mattered to him, and she was hoping that he might agree to go horseback riding with her today.
Her phone rang and she picked it up, hoping it was him. It wasn’t; it was her dad.
“Good morning. How are you?” she answered.
“I’m doing well, and how about you?”
“Great, thanks. I’m taking some time off. I’m in Oregon.”
“I heard.”
Uh-oh. She knew that he only usually got around to checking on her whereabouts when he wanted to know something—or when he’d heard something he didn’t like and wanted to talk to her about it. “Did Uncle Johnny tell you? We brought Toby’s mom to the clinic.”
“Yes, I talked to him last night.”
Hope waited.
“What happened with Drew?”
Oh, so that was it. He must have been overseas and was just now catching up on the news.
“We broke up.”
“I gathered. The two of you made a lot of headlines.”
“Actually, it was Drew and Carrie that made the headlines. I was just mentioned as an afterthought here and there. You know, collateral damage?”
To her surprise, he laughed. “It’s good to hear you say that. I was worried about you, I thought you might be upset, it’s not like you to go hiding out.”
She smiled. She shouldn’t be so hard on him. He did care about her. “Thanks, Dad. I’m fine. If anything, I’m relieved that Drew and I are over, and I think the only thing that really got hurt was my ego.”
“That happens to us all. It’s not easy, but a dented ego is easier to deal with than a broken heart.”
“It is.” She waited, feeling bad for wondering whether he’d called just to make sure she was okay.
“The quickest fix for both is to find someone new and I hear you’ve done just that.”
She frowned, surprised that Uncle Johnny would have told him about Chance.
“Want to tell me about it?”
“There’s not a lot to tell. He brought someone to the clinic, too. We’ve been hanging out and spending time together, but come next weekend we’ll both go back to our own lives and it will be over.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“You surprise me, but in a good way. I didn’t want you getting mixed up with some low life on the rebound.”
“He’s not a low life!” Hope snapped before she realized the words were out of her mouth.
“I didn’t say he was, I just don’t want someone preying on you while you’re at a low point. I’m glad to hear that you’re being sensible and keeping things light—and short. So, tell me about him. What does he do? Where’s he from?”
“Hasn’t Uncle Johnny already told you?” She was mad at her uncle right now for having told her dad without at least warning her about it.
“He didn’t mention it.”
“Then how …”
“You know I have eyes everywhere. Now stop stalling and tell me about this guy.”
She sighed. “His name is Chance. He’s from Montana.”
“And what does he do in Montana?”
“He runs a cattle ranch.”
“Runs or owns?”
“What difference does it make?”
Her dad laughed. “All the difference in the world. Please tell me you haven’t fallen for some cowboy?”
“He …. I …. It’s not like that!” Why did she always get so flustered when her dad put her on the spot?
“It’s okay, Hopey. I’m only teasing you. I trust your judgment that he’s decent, at least decent enough to hang out with for a couple of weeks.”
“Thanks.”
“Just make sure that when you go home next week, goodbye means goodbye, okay?”
“What if I don’t want it to?”
“Want doesn’t come into it.”
She shook her head. “It’s okay, it doesn’t matter; next weekend is goodbye, no matter what.”
“What does that mean? Please tell me he’s not married?”
“Dad! You know me better than that.”
“I’d like to think so. I just hope you know him better than that, too.”
“I do. If anything, he’s married to a memory from his past, so even though I would like to carry things on after next weekend, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want me.”
She looked up and froze when she saw Chance standing at the edge of the patio. His face was inscrutable. His eyes locked with hers.
“I’m glad to hear it.” Her dad’s voice came down the line but whatever he was saying didn’t matter anymore.
“Dad. I have to go.”
“Okay. Call me back when you get a minute.”
“Bye.”<
br />
She hung up without tearing her gaze away from Chance. “What?” She needed him to speak, to tell her what he was thinking. She needed to know what he’d heard and how much he’d heard. Part of her wanted a time out to process what she’d told her dad—why had she told him that she wanted to carry things on with Chance when she hadn’t fully admitted that to herself yet?
Chance’s eyes were that dark, almost gray color again as they bored into her. “I thought all you wanted was a fling.”
Her heart was hammering in her chest. “So did I, but then I got to know you. The more time we spend together, the more I like you.” She shrugged. “The more I want. But, as my dad just reminded me, want doesn’t come into it. Practical reality does.”
“And what is the practical reality?”
“You live in Montana, I live in LA, we both lead very full and busy lives. That’s the reality, but even that’s only a secondary consideration.”
“Secondary to what?”
“Secondary to the fact that you’re not open to it.”
His eyes narrowed as he stared at her. He looked angry, but she’d already learned that it didn’t mean he was. He was just one of those intense guys who looked that way.
“Don’t just stare at me like I did something wrong! Say something.”
He continued to glare at her for a moment and then his face relaxed and he laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“You are. Getting all pissed at me. I wasn’t staring because you did something wrong. I was staring at you while I figure it all out.”
“Figure what out?”
“What to say, what to think, what to do.”
She blew out a sigh and smiled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“It’s okay, you snapped me out of it.”
“So, now you know what to think?”
He shook his head. “I don’t. And I don’t know what to say either, not about most of it, but I can tell you one thing.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
“I can tell you that you’re wrong.”
“About what?”
“You said I don’t want you. I do. I just don’t know how to handle that. What to do about it, where it could go. See, as wrong as you are about that, you were right that I am married to a ghost from the past.” He approached the table and pulled out a seat. “I don’t know how to let go of her.”
“But you don’t have to! You can’t, you should never let go of her. Chloe and everything the two of you shared, she’s a part of you. She might not be here walking this earth anymore, but she’s still here, inside your heart.”
~ ~ ~
Chance leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. He didn’t want her to see him cry, but the tears were coming, no matter what. She’d just broken down one of the biggest barriers he’d erected between himself and a happy life. He’d never let himself get too close to happiness since Chloe died, because he felt that being happy meant leaving her behind. Mason had tried to tell him the same thing in different ways, but somehow, coming from Hope, it had really gotten through to him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “It’s not my place, I know. I shouldn’t have said it, but it’s true. You have to make a choice—and I mean for your own sake, not for anything to do with me. You can choose to stay close to Chloe by clinging to the past and staying where she was, or you can keep her close to you, in everything you do, everywhere you go.”
Chance wiped his eyes and looked up at her. “How could I bring her with me into a relationship? Relationships don’t have room for a third person.”
Hope nodded. “You’re right, but Chloe’s not a third person, she’s just a part of you.”
Chance nodded and stared out at the ocean. He didn’t know what to say. When he’d arrived, he’d heard Hope telling her dad on the phone that she would like for things to carry on between them after next weekend. He hadn’t been sure she was interested. Now he knew. But she’d also said that he was married to a ghost. He’d never thought of it like that before, but it was true.
She smiled at him gently. “Please, don’t wrack your brain trying to think of something nice to say. You don’t need to let me down gently. I know what the situation is. And I understand. I’m not telling you that you don’t have to give Chloe up just to persuade you that it’s okay to be with me. I’m only saying it because I believe it’s true, and I believe that when you’re ready, thinking about it that way will maybe help you move on and be happy.”
He reached across the table and took hold of her hand. It felt so small and soft inside his—just another reminder of how different they were. “I know why you’re doing it, and I appreciate it. I’m not hung up on what you’re trying to do. I’m hung up on the fact that you said you would like for this …. us … to go somewhere. I’m hung up on the fact that I’d like that, too. I keep thinking about it, wondering if maybe … but I don’t know how, even if I manage to wrestle my demons to the ground, we’d still have to deal with practical reality of where we each live and what our lives are like.”
Those big blue eyes grew bigger and rounder as he spoke. “You’d want to?”
He nodded. “I would. If we could figure out a way. If we could … I don’t know.” Even as he said it, he wondered if he’d just signed a death warrant on what they had. Would it all change for him if he started to see it as something more than a vacation fling? Would it become too much to handle, too scary to face, if it held the possibility of a future? He didn’t know the answers, but since he’d heard her talking on the phone, he knew he wanted to find out.
She squeezed his hand. “Why don’t we play it by ear? We can leave it open as an option, that maybe we see each other again after this; but in the meantime, we can just enjoy this next week as we planned to. That way we’re not building in any pressure.”
He smiled. “You’re good at this, aren’t you?”
“I’m glad you think so. I’ve never done very well with this kind of thing before. I’m a cold, hard, bitch remember? Uncaring.”
“Whoever told you that must have been a real asshole. You have a bigger heart than just about anyone I’ve ever known, the difference is that you’re smart with it. Seeing logic and being practical doesn’t make you uncaring or cold.”
“Thanks.”
He stroked his thumb across the palm of her hand. It felt good to do that, intimate and yet not scary. It wasn’t a kiss or a caress as such, but it was a connection. A special one. It was a gesture shared between two people who knew each other well. He withdrew his hand when he remembered that Chloe had always liked to hold hands. He’d done it for her, but he’d never really understood the point of it. It made him feel guilty that he was sharing something with Hope that he hadn’t with Chloe.
“Are you okay?” She looked puzzled, but not upset.
“Yeah, this is just a real mindfuck for me. I don’t know how to handle it and part of me thinks you shouldn’t have to handle it. I’m reacting to every little thing that we share because comparisons pop into my head.”
She nodded. “I know I can’t help you. It’s for you to work through. If you even think it’s worth trying.”
He looked up and met her gaze. “I do. I know you’re worth it. I can’t say I know we are, because for there to be an us it would take me getting my shit together, and I’m not sure I can.”
“Well, I know that you’re worth it. All we can do is try it out and see.” She smiled. “Maybe by the end of next week you’ll be glad to see the back of me, and I’ll be glad to see the back of you.”
Chance smiled. He couldn’t imagine any other woman he’d ever met talking like Hope did. In his experience women usually wanted everything to be all hearts and flowers and they got derailed real fast when reality kicked in. “Well, I’ll do my best not to piss you off too much, but I can tell you that I think we’ll both be bored silly if we just hang around here for the whole week. I was thinking we should get out and do something
today, what do you think?”
“I couldn’t agree more. In fact, I have a proposition for you.”
Chance bit the inside of his cheek. He’d love her to proposition him all the way into bed. He’d tossed and turned all night, wishing that he hadn’t been so dumb, wishing he’d stayed with her.
She must have read his expression because she laughed. “Not that kind of proposition, though we can revisit that later, please?”
He nodded. “I’d be more than happy to. What did you have in mind?”
“I’d like to go horseback riding. Would you?”
Chance cocked his head to one side. “You know, that would never have occurred to me. I forget that people ride just for fun.”
“Oh, is it not fun for you?”
“It is. I love it. I’d love to go. It’s just to me it’s not usually for recreation, but for work. It’d be fun if we can find a riding stable and get out on the trail.”
“I already found one and I gave them a call. If you want to do it, we can go out there this afternoon.”
“What kind of rides do they offer?” Chance didn’t see himself plodding along a trail with a dozen beginners.
“I told them you’re very experienced and I’m okay and they said one of the instructors could ride out with just the two of us. They can’t let us go by ourselves.”
“No, they wouldn’t do that, but I like the sound of just us with an instructor. What time?”
“I didn’t set it up, I said I’d call them back if you were interested.”
Chance grinned. “Let’s give them a call then.” He stopped. “Hang on a minute, what about your ankle?”
“It’s fine, see?” She stretched her leg out and flexed her ankle. “The swelling is almost gone, even if it still doesn’t look too pretty.”
“Yeah, but can you put any pressure on it? Just getting up in the saddle is going to be tough. And then it’s not as though your legs and feet just flop around when you ride, you need to use them.”
She made a face and stuck her tongue out at him. “I may not be a cowgirl, but I’m not a total novice. I know what I need to do and I think it’ll be fine.”
