by SJ McCoy
They’d gone for a walk down on the beach this morning. Her ankle was mostly healed, though Chance had still insisted on carrying her up and down the steps. She really didn’t need it, and she had the feeling he knew that as well as she did. But, they’d both enjoyed the experience of her being in his arms that way, and that was what really mattered. This afternoon they were going over to the clinic. Chance had stopped in to see his dad a couple of times and Hope had talked to Toby every day. By all accounts, both patients were doing well and making huge progress.
Chance came out onto the patio where she was sitting. “Are you nearly ready to go?”
She nodded. She was. She figured the sooner they went, the sooner they’d be back here and she was hoping that tonight he might stay with her. “Ready when you are.”
He smiled and came to drop a kiss on her lips. She reached up and cupped his cheek, wishing that this was their life, wishing that it wouldn’t be over in a few days.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine.” She forced a bright smile onto her face. She didn’t want him to pick up on what she was feeling. Didn’t want him to feel any obligation to her. She got up and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him properly. “Let’s go. I have big plans for you when we get back.”
He smiled. “You do? What kind of plans?”
She shrugged. “You’ll have to wait and see, but I can tell you that you won’t be needing any clothes.”
“Ah, those kind of plans?”
She nodded. “If you’re up for it.”
He took hold of her hand and brought it to touch the front of his pants. “What do you think?”
She laughed. “I think you’d better be able to hold that thought and that enthusiasm for a couple of hours till we get back here.”
He laughed with her. “I think I’d rather revisit the idea when we get home than hold onto it while we’re at the clinic.”
“Yeah, wise man, that could get a little awkward.”
“Too damned right, it could.”
When they got to the clinic, she stopped him before they got to his dad’s room. “Is it okay if I come in to say hi?”
“Of course; I thought you would.”
She smiled, feeling relieved.
Chance gave her a puzzled look. “Why wouldn’t it be okay?”
“I don’t know, sorry. I guess I was just being silly.”
Chance shook his head but still looked puzzled. “No, they’ll both be happy to see you.”
She smiled. She didn’t know how to explain that she was wondering if it was better that she didn’t get to know his family—if she wasn’t ever going to see him again.
“Hey!” His dad grinned at them when they got to his room. “And what are you two up to?”
Chance smiled. “Visiting you, what does it look like?”
“It looks to me like the two of you might be getting up to all kinds of things.” He gave Hope a wink that was just like his son’s.
“Frank, don’t embarrass the girl, or she won’t come see us again,” said Alice. “It’s lovely to see you both, thanks for coming.”
Hope smiled. “I don’t want to intrude, I won’t stay long. I just wanted to say hello.”
“You grab yourself a seat and hang out a while,” said his dad. “We’re happy to have you.”
Hope wasn’t sure what to do. She’d love to stick around for a while, but she didn’t know what Chance would think—whether he’d want her to.
He smiled. “She only stopped in to say hi, Dad. She’s here to visit Toby’s mom.”
There was her answer; it seemed he didn’t want her here. “It’s lovely to see you, though.” She lifted her hand and waved as she backed her way to the door.
~ ~ ~
“What did you do that for?” asked his dad once she’d gone.
“What did I do?”
“You got rid of her!”
“Well, maybe I figured she didn’t want to have to sit in here listening to us shoot the shit about nothing.”
His dad frowned and shook his head. “You’re pretty dumb for someone who’s supposed to be smart.”
Chance scowled. “What does that mean?”
His dad laughed. “It means, she wanted to stick around, but she wasn’t sure if you wanted her to, and you got rid of her.”
Chance shook his head. “No, she didn’t.”
Alice gave him a kind smile. “I know you two like to argue, and I normally keep my nose right out of it, but this time I have to tell you your father’s right, Chance. The way she looked at you, she was hoping you’d say she could stay.”
Chance sighed. “So, I messed up?”
His dad nodded solemnly. “You missed your chance for her to get to know your family better, and for us to get to know her.”
Chance pressed his lips together. “And why would she need to do that?”
His dad let out a short laugh. “Don’t give me that, son. There’s something going on between the two of you, and it’s something big. Why wouldn’t the woman you’re seeing want to know your family, and why wouldn’t we want to get to know her?”
Chance shifted from one foot to the other, feeling uncomfortable. “Well, considering she’s the woman I’m only going to be seeing for another couple of days, what’s the point?”
“Oh, Chance!” Alice looked so disappointed, he felt bad for letting her down.
His dad stared at him. “You’re not going to carry it on?”
“How? She lives in LA.”
“So?”
“So, that’s a long way to go for a date.”
His dad shrugged and Chance knew he was going to drop the subject. They’d lost too many years because of fighting and being stubborn. “It’s up to you. I know better than to think my opinion counts for anything.”
“Dad!” Chance couldn’t handle that. He went and sat down next his dad and put his arm around his shoulders. “Don’t do that, don’t say that. Your opinion does matter. You matter, what you think matters. I’m not trying to shut you out.” He sighed. “If you want to know the truth, what I’m doing is trying to shut myself down. I could keep seeing her. I want to, but it’s scary. I care about her, and that’s hard to admit. I’m scared of what I feel for her, so I’m backing off, because that’s easier.”
His dad scowled at him. “I didn’t raise no coward.”
Chance tried not to smile. “No, you didn’t, but like you just said, I’m pretty dumb for a smart guy.”
“Yup. So, you’re really just going to let her walk away from you when we leave here?”
Chance shrugged.
Alice gave him a sad look. “I think that’d be a shame. Not that it’s any of my business,” she added hurriedly.
Chance smiled at her. “It is your business. I love that you care. I just don’t know how …”
“No one ever does, son. Do you think I knew how?” He smiled at Alice. “When this one came into my house and into my life and started bossing me around while I was too weak to fend for myself. Do you think I knew what to do about it or how to get over everything that was gone from my life, but still in my heart? You can bet your ass I didn’t have a damned clue. All I knew was one thing, and that was that I wasn’t going to let her leave without knowing how I felt.”
Chance met his gaze. He didn’t know the details of how he and Alice had gotten together. From the outside, all he and his sister Missy had seen was that Alice had come as a live-in caregiver after the stroke and somehow, during the time he was recuperating, she and her dad had fallen for each other, and Alice had stayed.
Alice smiled at him. “It wasn’t pretty. We both messed things up a time or two before we got it right, but we both wanted it and so we made it happen.”
Chance nodded and stared at his feet.
“Is that the difference?” asked his dad.
“What?”
“We both knew we wanted it. It seems to me that Hope knows she wants it, but you’re not so sur
e.”
Chance shrugged. “I want it. I want her. The thing I’m not sure about is how to make a break with the past.”
His dad scowled at him and sat up straight. “And why would you have to?”
Chance gave him a puzzled look, surprised that he didn’t understand. He sucked in a deep breath and decided to say it. This wasn’t what he’d thought this visit was going to be, but since it’d gone down this path, then why not make the most of the opportunity to be honest about what he was feeling? He’d hoped this trip would strengthen his newfound bond with his dad and sharing your darkest fears had a way of doing that. “I still love Chloe. How can you love two women at once, even if one of them is dead?”
Alice made a little gasping sound and her hand flew up to cover her mouth. His dad shrugged Chance’s arm off his shoulders and turned to face him, taking hold of his hand in a way that he’d never done before and that made Chance’s eyes fill with tears. “Do you think I don’t still love your mom? Do you think Alice doesn’t still love Jim?” He turned to smile at her and Chance had to swallow hard when he saw the tears rolling down her face. His dad squeezed his hand. “Maybe it’s just something you’re not prepared to face until you’re older. I don’t think I would have coped with it at your age either. But, son, you don’t just stop loving the one who left you. You just love them in a different way. And you love the person who comes into your life in a different way, too. I was lucky, I got a lot of years with your mom. You weren’t so lucky with Chloe. The life the two of you were supposed to have ended before it began. But, it doesn’t mean you can’t live and love and be happy. You do get another shot. If a grizzled up old fool like me gets to be with this beautiful lady here, what the hell makes you think that you don’t get another shot, too?”
Chance shrugged. “You know me. I’m too stubborn, I never thought about another shot before. All I’ve ever thought about was how it should have been, what I lost.” He sighed. “What Chloe lost. I only ever wanted back what I couldn’t have.”
“I know.” His dad nodded sadly. “That’s been hard to watch. But you’ve changed these last couple of years. I think you finally accepted that you can’t have what you lost, but now you have to accept what you can have—before it passes you by.”
Chance nodded thoughtfully.
“Can I ask you something?” asked Alice. “Is she the real deal, this Hope? Is she really what you want, or is she just the first girl you’ve felt anything for since …?” She didn’t finish. She didn’t need to.
“She’s the real deal. I think. I don’t think it’s because I’m finally ready to start living and she just happens to be there. I think I feel this way because she’s her, and I …” He didn’t finish either. He didn’t want to, not yet.
Alice didn’t say anything. She just nodded. His dad squeezed his hand again before letting go. “You might be stubborn, but I don’t think you’re stupid.”
Chance smiled, needing to break the moment. He winked at Alice. “That’s high praise coming from him, huh?”
Alice laughed. “I’d take it if I were you.”
Chance managed to steer the conversation back onto his dad and the treatment and how they were getting on here. He didn’t like being the center of attention. It didn’t feel right; that wasn’t what they were here for, but at the same time, he understood that his dad was glad to be there for him.
After a while the conversation died away and his dad checked his watch.
“What’s up, am I boring you now?” asked Chance with a smile.
“Yeah. I’m wondering when you’re going to bugger off and leave us in peace.”
“Frank!” Alice scolded him, but he and Chance just laughed. They’d talked more this last week than they had in a long time. And for two men who weren’t normally talkers at all, there came a point when enough was enough.
“It’s okay. I need to get going anyway.”
“You got plans this afternoon?” asked his dad.
Chance nodded and met his gaze. “I was thinking it’s about time I prove that my daddy didn’t raise no coward.”
His dad grinned. “Good. Will we see you tomorrow?”
Chance nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be here.”
He gave his dad a hug and went to kiss Alice on the cheek. “Thanks, guys.”
He nodded solemnly. “I know it’s tough, but tough it out. Living the rest of your days without daring to love again would be much tougher.”
Chance closed the door behind him and leaned against it for moment. He’d never considered himself a coward before. Yeah, he was scared—scared of his feelings for Hope and scared of how guilty he felt about abandoning Chloe. But he didn’t want to go on living the way he had been. It was time to leave the bitterness behind, time to step up and live life instead of clinging to the past. It might be scary, but he was ready to step up. He turned his head at the sound of footsteps approaching down the corridor. It was Hope.
“How about that for timing?” she asked with a smile.
“I’d say your timing is just about as perfect as it could be.”
~ ~ ~
Chance seemed different after their visit to the clinic. He seemed happier and more relaxed this evening. He laughed easier and was more affectionate toward her. Hope had to wonder what had happened during his visit with his dad.
They’d spent the rest of the afternoon in bed and had just eaten a wonderful supper he’d made for them. She hoped he might stay and hang out with her a while before he headed back to the cottage. She was painfully aware that they only had a few days left.
He came to her and took hold of her hand. “Do you want to sit outside a while and watch the stars?”
“I’d love to, if we can see any.”
“I checked. It’s the first clear night sky I’ve seen since we’ve been here. We should make the most of it.”
They sat on the sofa out on the patio and stared up at the sky. “It’s so beautiful.”
Chance nodded. “It is. It’s one of the things I miss about Montana whenever I’m away. I love the big open skies and especially all the stars at night.”
She smiled. “You’ll get to see them again soon, but I’m glad we can enjoy this together, for now.” She wanted to bite her lip when she finished.
Chance continued to stare up at the stars. “I’d like for us to enjoy it again together. When we can.”
Her heart started to race in her chest. Was he saying …? Did he mean …? She didn’t dare ask.
He turned to look at her. “Unless you’ve changed your mind?”
“No! I’d love to. I just didn’t dare hope that you meant it.”
He nodded. “I’m not making any promises, I can’t, you already know that. But, I’d like to try. I’m not ready to say goodbye to you.” He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her to him.
“I don’t want to say goodbye to you, either.”
“Then we won’t.”
“But you have to take your dad home and then go back to Montana, right?” Her mind was already reeling with how they could make anything work—how and when they could see each other again.
“Yeah. I don’t suppose you feel like making a trip up there anytime soon, do you?”
“Yes.” She didn’t know how or when, but she did know that she wanted to go. She wanted to see him and so she’d find a way to make it work.
“I feel bad putting it on you to come to me, but I’ve just taken two weeks off, I need to get back, make sure everything’s okay and it’ll be a while before I can get away again. From what you’ve said, it’s a bit easier for you?”
“It is.”
He smiled and dropped a kiss on her lips. “So, that’s it then? We’re going to do this?”
“We are,” she didn’t think she could feel any happier.
“So, would it be okay if I stay with you tonight?”
“Yes!” She’d been wrong—that question made her even happier.
Chapter Nineteen
Chance
opened his eyes and took a minute to figure out where he was. Hope slept on beside him, her long blonde hair spread on the pillow around her face. He tensed, waiting for the feelings to hit him, the feelings of guilt, of panic. They didn’t come. He slowly relaxed and smiled. It was okay. He closed his eyes and rested his head back on the pillow. He could see Chloe’s face smiling, making him close his eyes tighter against the tears that squeezed their way out anyway. They weren’t bad tears, they were just a feeling. He didn’t know what the word for it was. Nostalgia, maybe? It was a longing for the past, but an acceptance that he couldn’t have it back. There was a little bit of happy in there. He was happy that she was still with him, that he could be here with Hope, without needing to leave Chloe behind. He looked at Hope again. She was the one who’d finally gotten that through to him and he loved her for it. Chloe was a part of him, just like all of his past—good and bad—was a part of him. Chloe had helped make him who he was, but he understood that she wasn’t the one who’d shut him down to life. He’d done that all by himself. Chloe would go with him wherever he went. She would always be as happy a memory as he’d let her be.
He reached out and touched Hope’s cheek. Her eyelids fluttered, but she didn’t wake up. She was his present, and she was going to figure in his future—somehow. He didn’t know how yet, didn’t know where this could go between them, or if it would go anywhere at all once they got back to their real lives, but they were at least going to give it a shot. He smiled. It felt right. He looked down at Hope again and she was smiling up at him.
