Within These Walls

by J. L. Berg

  Finally starting to give in to my heavy eyelids, I began to nod off when I was stirred back awake by a noise in my room. My eyes fluttered open, and through my blurry sight, I saw Jude standing by my bed.

  “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he apologized, pulling chocolate pudding out of his pocket. He placed it on the tray table next to my bed and set a spoon on top.

  “Not planning on joining me anymore?” I asked, motioning in the direction of the single snack pack.

  “You were asleep. I didn’t wanted to disturb you.”

  “Well, I’m awake now. We can share.” I pushed myself up in the bed until I was in a sitting position.

  I took the pudding from its perch on the tray and began pulling the foil wrapper from the top. I watched while Jude looked around the room as if he were deciding where to go. His eyes wandered to the chair where my mom always sat, before finally traveling back to me.

  He took a step forward and sat on the edge of the bed facing me. His knee brushed mine under the blanket, and I became very aware of how close we suddenly were. Tucking one leg under the other, he crossed his arms across his chest and leaned forward.

  Oh, okay, so even closer now.

  Hello, heart rate.

  “So, are you going to share? Or are you just going to hold it all night long?”

  “What?” I said in confusion, waiting for my brain to kick back into gear.

  I could smell the scent of his soap or aftershave or whatever the hell it was that made him smell so mouthwatering. It was like rainwater, pine, and something earthy all wrapped up in a Jude burrito.

  “Our pudding. Hand it over,” he instructed, reaching over to snatch the dessert from my hands.

  “Hey!”

  “You snooze, you lose,” he mumbled, his mouth now full of the stolen pudding he’d just shoveled in it.

  “That’s just mean—stealing food from a sick person,” I teased.

  He visibly winced, and I instantly regretted my words.

  “I was just kidding, Jude,” I said, placing my hand on his.

  Touching him was becoming something I couldn’t stop myself from doing. My hands and fingers wanted to reach out to him whenever he was near. It was as if I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

  He placed the pudding on the tray next to us and glanced down at our hands. My frail small fingers were lying gently over his callous large ones. Slowly, as if giving the gesture purpose, he turned his hand over so that our palms were touching. Stretching out his fingers, he caressed the pads of my fingers with his own until he intertwined our fingers and held my hand.

  I didn’t think I’d taken a breath since his hand had started moving under mine. His eyes finally met mine, and I saw something I’d never expected to see in those faded green irises shining back at me.

  Desire.

  His free hand reached up to the forgotten pudding and pulled a spoonful from the small cup.

  “Open your mouth,” he said softly.

  Taking a quick gulp of air for courage, I parted my lips as he brought the spoon to my mouth. It slipped past my tongue, and I closed my mouth around it, remember him doing the same thing moments earlier. Never breaking eye contact with him, I sucked the chocolate off the spoon as he pulled back. He dipped it back into the pudding and took a bite himself, sucking and licking the same spoon I’d just touched.

  It was the single most erotic event of my life.

  “See? Now, we’re sharing,” he said.

  He dipped the spoon in the cup and fed me once again.

  “Well then, I guess you’re off the hook.”

  We continued taking turns until nothing was left but trash. He tossed everything in the wastebasket near the bed, keeping our hands joined.

  “Will you tell me more about your Someday list?” he asked.

  His gaze found the worn notebook lying next to me where I’d left it when I drifted off to sleep.

  “Sure,” I answered, grabbing the notebook and placing it on my lap. I opened it up and scanned the pages, remembering the hours I’d spent creating it, writing and re-writing it as I came up with new things to add to it.

  “Pick a number,” I said, recalling our earlier game.

  “One,” he replied.

  “Nope. Try again,” I said, not ready to divulge that particular one just yet.

  “Okay, how about ten?”

  “Go on a roller coaster.”

  “Hmm…Disneyland or Six Flags?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it,” I answered.

  “Well, think about it now. Are you a big roller-coaster girl or more of an it’s-a-small-world person?”

  My mouth twitched as I tried to hide the smile blooming at the corner of my lips. “Mickey Mouse, all the way.”

  “Good answer. Okay, another one. Thirty-eight.”

  “Um…” I scrolled through the list. “Oh, go to prom.”

  His face twisted in amused disgust. “No, I need to scribble that one out. Give me a pen.” He looked around for a pen.

  I grabbed the one near my thigh seconds before he did, causing us both to laugh.

  “Be glad you missed out on that rite of passage. It’s way overrated.”

  Holding the pen against my chest, I asked, “So, I take it yours was awesome?”

  “The best,” he answered sarcastically. “My date got trashed in the limo on the way there and ended up in the ladies’ restroom. I sat outside and listened as she alternated between hurling and tossing every curse word at me that she could think of. Even in her alcohol-induced haze, that girl could fling some obscenities. I’m pretty sure I hadn’t heard of half of them.”

  “Well, I’m still keeping it in there. A normal life isn’t about just the good things. It’s about the ups and downs. Whether or not prom is a good or bad experience, it’s an experience all the same.”

  “Okay, good point. Did I mention she ended up making out with the prom king? And it wasn’t me by the way,” he added with a half smile, causing the tiny dimple in his cheek to make an appearance.

  “So, I take it, she didn’t become the love of your life?”

  His expression went blank, and his eyes became vacant.

  “No. No, she didn’t. Seventy-two,” he said absently, his voice hoarse and soft.

  “What?” I asked before catching on. “Oh, um…okay.” I scanned the list and easily found the number he’d asked for.

  “Have my heart broken,” I said softly, realizing it probably wasn’t the best one to reveal considering the current devastation written across Jude’s face. I should have just picked the one above it—go to a movie theater.

  His eyes searched mine. “Why would you want that?”

  “For the same reason I want a crappy prom. You can’t live a normal life without the heartache. It’s all part of the package. My life has been nothing but surgeries, procedures, and living from one test result to the next. I’d gladly trade all of that for a little normalcy. Give me a terrible prom and a hot, sticky day at Disneyland. Let me fall in love even if it means I’ll get hurt in the end. At least then, I’d know that I’m living.”

  His fingers brushed mine as he took the book from my lap. He shut it with one hand and set it aside. His gaze never left mine as he shifted forward, narrowing the gap between us. My heart beat faster, feeling the warmth of his body as he came closer to me. His palm cupped the side of my face, and I leaned into his touch.

  “I want all those things to happen for you, Lailah. I want to see you cross out each and every item on that list, if that’s what it takes to make you feel alive or normal. The truth is, you are far from normal. You are light-years away from the word. You are exceptional. The word normal would be an insult to your very nature. I get that you want to experience everything under the sun, everything that life has robbed you of by shutting you out and keeping you prisoner to this bed, but there is one thing I will not allow.” His fingers slid into my hair, and his eyes fluttered clos
e ever so briefly before he whispered, “No one will ever break your heart. I can promise you that.”

  SINCE CLOCKING IN, I’d been moving through the motions of my duties, half-assing my job. I’d barely made it through a minute without thinking about the night before. My revelation regarding Lailah, my realization that whatever was going on between us went far beyond the boundaries of friendship, led me to one absolute conclusion.

  I had no idea what I was doing.

  I’d spent the last three years feeling nothing but pain and regret. Few other emotions had filtered through my psyche since I lost Megan.

  Lailah made me feel…everything.

  I was at odds with myself. An internal tug-of-war was pulling me in two different directions, and I had no idea which way to go. Behind me was my life with Megan. She had been my future, and when that had ended, I hadn’t wanted to move on. I hadn’t known how. I’d refused. I never expected there to be anything else. Now, when I looked ahead, there was this bright, shining path that scared the shit out of me. Lailah was a wild card, and I had no guarantees that I wouldn’t end up right back where I’d started—broken and alone.

  I wasn’t sure if I could risk my heart again, but maybe I already had. What if I’d already given a piece of myself to the girl with the infectious laugh and the shy, innocent smile? Perhaps I was a goner from the start.

  Shaking my head, I walked down the hall toward her room, and then I halted mid-step.

  Maybe she deserved better than the man who had destroyed her future. She was too fragile to know the truth. Hell, I was too fragile to admit it.

  Two broken hearts—we would destroy each other before we even had a chance to begin.

  But no matter how many reasons I gave myself to stay away, I would still end up back at her door, ready for more chocolate pudding, nervous babbling, and brief glimpses of heaven.

  Her zeal for life was addictive, and I needed my fix. I needed the light only my angel could bring.

  I’m a selfish bastard.

  My knock was answered by her lilting sweet voice. I turned the knob, opened the door, and found her standing by her bed, folding a few shirts. Several piles of clothes were neatly laid out on the mattress.

  “Laundry day?” I asked, gesturing to the stacks of clothes.

  “Um…no, not quite.” She put down the pink shirt she’d been folding and pivoted around to face me. She seemed hesitant and on edge. “I’ve been discharged,” she announced.

  “What?”

  “Dr. Marcus is letting me go home. He said since I’m healthy, or as healthy as can be expected, considering…” She trailed off since we both knew where that sentence was going.

  Considering she’s dying…

  “He decided it would be best for me to stay at home while we wait for news on the transplant.”

  I glanced up and saw tears in her eyes. She wasn’t happy. She was upset.

  Seeing that I’d noticed her stray tears, she quickly brushed them aside and turned back to her clothes and continued folding.

  “When?” I asked, watching her in the moonlight streaming in from the window.

  “Tomorrow morning. I could have left before dinner, but I wanted some time to pack, and…”

  To say good-bye to me.

  She hadn’t said it, but I could feel the words hanging in the air. I was the reason she wasn’t happy about leaving. This should have been a celebratory moment for her, but I’d taken that from her. By being here and interrupting her life, I’d taken the one normal thing away from her—going home.

  Step away. Let her go.

  “Well, that’s great news,” I said, trying to muster up a bit of fake enthusiasm.

  She turned back around, and I saw surprise and maybe a touch of hurt in her eyes.

  “Um…yeah, it’s awesome.” She gripped the shirt in her hands and then tossed it on the bed.

  “I mean, no one wants to—”

  “What is your deal, Jude?” she yelled, taking several strides toward me.

  “My deal?”

  “Yeah, you’re sweet and endearing one minute and then brushing me off the next. I don’t get it. What do you want from me? Am I a charity case? Do you get off on hanging out with the poor sick girl but then tire of me easily?”

  Closing the last few inches between us, I got in her face. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I hissed.

  “No,” she answered, “I really don’t. You don’t tell me anything. You are this big, giant mystery that I know nothing about. Why is that, Jude?”

  “It’s too much,” I simply said.

  “You mean, I can’t handle it,” she inferred.

  “That’s not what I said, Lailah.”

  “No, but that’s what you meant. You’re just like everyone else. I’m too fragile. I’m too weak. Let’s sugarcoat the truth, so it doesn’t upset Lailah. God forbid that we upset her,” she said in a mocking tone. “Well, I’m neither weak nor fragile. I’ve endured more pain than most people see in a lifetime, so don’t think for one single second that I can’t handle anything you can.”

  “I know you can.”

  “Then, why put me through all this? Do you even care a little about me?” Her voice was quiet and timid.

  “I care too fucking much, Lailah.”

  Without a second thought, I grabbed the nape of her neck and pulled her body to mine before fusing our mouths together. She gasped in surprise, pulling back slightly, but then she surrendered, melting into me completely. My hands tightened around her waist as I deepened our kiss. I knew this had to be her first kiss, and I intended to make sure it was well worth the wait.

  A new war raged inside of me. My hands wanted to feel every inch of her skin, trace every line of her body, and lay her back on the bed to devour her. My fingers shook as I steadied myself.

  She’s innocent in every way.

  Dr. Marcus’s words came back to me like a bucket of cold water on a hot summer day, and I stilled. I needed to be the man she deserved even if I never lived up to it. Being pawed and felt up in a hospital room wasn’t the way she needed to remember tonight.

  With my breath coming out in heavy puffs, I touched my lips to hers, letting myself taste heaven one last time. I pulled back slightly while reaching up to run my hands through her silky strands. She watched me with wide, curious eyes, and I smiled.

  “Did I just knock another one of those numbers off your list?”

  Pink stained her cheeks, and she nodded. “What was that, Jude?”

  I raised my eyebrow in amusement. “That was a kiss. Did I not do it right? Because I’d be happy to try again.”

  “No!” she yelped. “I mean, yes! Crap!”

  A sly smirk spread across my face. “It’s okay, Lailah. Breathe.”

  Her eyes fluttered closed, and she took a deep breath, letting it slowly fill her chest. I couldn’t stop myself. I leaned down and briefly touched my lips to hers.

  “Everything needs a beginning,” I said, lifting my eyes to hers. “This is ours.”

  “But I’m leaving.”

  “Yes, and I will miss seeing your beautiful face here, but I don’t live here.”

  Something must have clicked just then because a goofy grin slowly spread across her face, and she blushed again.

  “You don’t even know where I live. Oh God! You’ll have to meet my mom!”

  The angry blonde I’d seen in the hall with Marcus suddenly flashed through my mind, and honestly, the thought of meeting her was a little frightening.

  Lailah laughed, the sound of amusement echoing each note. “You’re nervous!”

  “Maybe a little, but I’ll be okay,” I assured her.

  She gave me a doubtful look, but I wrapped my arms tighter around her waist and squeezed with assurance.

  “Besides, we’ll have to figure it out if we want to start working on that list of yours. I think a trip to the ocean is in order.”

  Her eyes lit up at the idea. I couldn’t wait to get my hands
on that list and start crossing out each and every one of those one-hundred-and-forty-three mysterious adventures.

  “So, what do we do now?” She nervously bit her bottom lip.

  I leaned in close, millimeters from her lips. She sucked in a breath, and her eyes widened in anticipation. A grin I couldn’t stop swept across my face as I placed a chaste kiss on her cheek before taking a step back.

  “I’m going to go try to explain my extremely long absence from my duties to my supervisor,” I said.

  A faint blush appeared on her cheeks.

  “And then I will need to play a little catch-up. I’ll take my lunch break in a while, though and sneak back in here. It is your last night, and I do have a duty to deliver your dessert.”

  “Yes, you do,” she answered.

  I took a step back toward the door, keeping my eyes trained on her, until my outstretched hand felt the cool metal of the door handle. I turned to make my exit, still smiling like a fool.

  Then, she called out, “Jude?”

  “Yeah?” I answered, whipping back around.

  “Just bring one pudding tonight. We’ll share again,” she shyly suggested, red blotches staining her already pink cheeks.

  “You got it.”

  God bless the creator of pudding.

  “Tell me something about you, something I don’t know,” I said.

  We were leaning back against her pillow, sharing the single pudding cup I’d brought, as requested.

  I’d raced through the rest of my duties, making sure I had everything ticked off and accounted for before going to lunch. I hadn’t wanted to be negligent, but I also hadn’t wanted Lailah to wait up until after midnight for me. I’d clocked out and grabbed a quick sandwich and a cup of pudding from the cafeteria before racing back upstairs and wolfing down my sandwich almost whole. If the nurses had noticed me visiting Lailah’s room more than needed, no one said anything. I wondered if that was Dr. Marcus’s doing.

  When I’d slipped back in here, I hadn’t bothered with the chair or the end of the bed this time. I needed to be near her. Side by side with our legs entwined, we shared one spoon and started a game of twenty questions.

  “Um…what do you want to know?” she asked, dipping the spoon into the creamy, dark dessert.