Within These Walls

by J. L. Berg

  “This was where she left me,” I said, “where she took her last breath.”

  The doctors, her parents—they were all wrong.

  They didn’t understand, they didn’t realize how strong she was, how strong we were.

  She would fight.

  She would fight for us.

  Because if she wasn’t here, I wouldn’t know how to go on. I couldn’t face this life without her.

  “Son, it’s time to say good-bye,” Megan’s father said through choked tears as his hand rested on my shoulder.

  I looked up to see red-rimmed eyes staring down at me. His eyes reminded me so much of his daughter.

  “No,” I whispered, my head shaking back and forth, as tears poured down my face.

  She wasn’t dying.

  She couldn’t.

  We had to get married.

  I looked down to her empty ring finger where I’d placed her engagement ring not two weeks earlier. The paramedics had cut it from her hand in preparation for surgery, and it had never been returned.

  This couldn’t be happening. Any second now, I’d wake up, and Megan would be lying in my arms. She’d be happy and whole, and all of this would be nothing more than a terrible nightmare.

  But deep down, I knew there was no waking up from this.

  “We’re going to give you a few minutes alone with her,” Megan’s mother said before a door clicked.

  I looked around the sparse room. It beeped and hummed as Megan slept before me. Her head was wrapped in white bandages, and bruises and scrapes covered her perfect skin.

  Gently taking her hand, I traced the lines of her palm and watched her features for some sort of response. But like the hundreds of times before, there was nothing.

  “Please come back to me,” I begged. “I can’t do this. I don’t know how to say good-bye to you.”

  My head fell forward, and I kissed our joined hands.

  Loud beeping and alarms jolted me upright, and I watched as nurses poured into the room, trying to push me out of the way.

  Megan’s parents rushed in, and I watched as her mother collapsed to the floor, crying out in agony.

  With my hand still clutched in hers, everything happened in a blur, and soon, the nurses and doctors slowed before turning toward us with blank expressions.

  “I’m sorry. She’s gone,” the doctor announced.

  “I never got to say good-bye,” I said, turning toward Lailah as she took my hand. “I think I’ve been refusing to do so ever since. I can’t tell you the number of hours I’ve spent in this hallway, staring at that door while sitting on this bench. I wasted years here.” A strangled laugh escaped my lips. “God, she would kick my ass if she knew how I ended up.”

  “You’re not that person anymore,” Lailah reminded me. “She would be proud of the man you are today, and the journey you took to get here.”

  Reaching up, I caressed the soft skin of her cheek. “It brought me to you. But now, it’s time I say good-bye,” I said, turning toward the bench. “I lost contact with Megan’s parents after I refused to attend the funeral. I wasn’t in a good place back then, and the only way I knew how to cope was by pushing everyone I knew away. They didn’t deserve that. They were always so good to me. They had this bench put in place when they found out I was still here. I guess they thought it might help me mourn in some way. I’m not even sure I understood the meaning of the word until recently.”

  She took a seat, and I watched her fingers trace the golden edge of the plaque that had been placed the day before.

  “Life: It goes on. It’s a Robert Frost quote,” she said as her fingertips brushed across the elegant script.

  I joined her on the bench and smiled. “Yeah, she loved that quote. She had it taped on the visor of her car as a little reminder to keep going when things got tough. She was a constant force of positive energy, and she never would have wanted me to let life pass me by while I sat in this hallway, waiting for her to come back.”

  “Thank you for sharing this with me,” she said, skimming her hand over the shiny brass one last time. “Thank you for sharing her with me. But like you said, it’s time for you to say good-bye, and I think that is something that should only be shared between the two of you. Pour out your soul, Jude. I’ll be waiting outside.”

  She kissed my cheek briefly, and I watched her disappear down the hallway.

  I didn’t know how much time had passed as I sat there. I stared at that closed door—thinking, breathing, waiting for the words to come. People shuffled past as I tried to find the right way to say good-bye to the woman and the life I’d been holding on to for far too long.

  “I would have given you everything, Megan. You would have been my world, my wife, and my reason for existing. There wouldn’t have been a single moment I would have regretted,” I whispered into my palms as I cradled my head.

  “But life had a different plan for us, for me. And now, I have to say good-bye,” my voice cracked as I said the words. “I met a girl. She pulled me out of the darkness, and I can’t stay here anymore. I can’t stay here with you and love her at the same time. She deserves all of me, and I want to give her everything. So, please believe me when I say I love you. I love you enough to remember you for the woman you were and for the beautiful life we shared. I love you enough to let you go, so I can live the life you’d want me to have. Every minute I have on this earth is even more precious because of the time I spent with you.”

  I stood, taking one final look at the plaque I had placed in her memory. Kissing the pads of my fingers, I placed them against the cool metal on the back of the bench.

  “Life—it really does go on, and I’m going to live mine now. Good-bye, Megan.”

  Every step down that hallway felt final, another footfall into my future. My eyes dried as I moved up in the elevator. As I turned toward the exit, I saw her sitting on the concrete bench, waiting for me.

  God, she’s beautiful.

  Our eyes met as she stood, and I strode out the double doors.

  I pulled her into my arms. “I love you, Lailah,” I said breathlessly. “I’ve loved you longer than I can remember, but I couldn’t ever find a way to say it until now. Now, I want to say it over and over—”

  “Stop babbling”—she grinned—“and kiss me.”

  I pressed my lips to hers as I gently lifted her off the ground and spun us around. Her laughter and squeals quickly filled the air.

  “Come on, let’s go home,” I said, letting her feet touch the ground once again.

  “I like the sound of that.”

  “Yeah, me, too.”

  “LET’S GO SHOPPING,” Jude said one lazy afternoon while we were lying on the couch, watching a movie.

  “Shopping?” I said, pausing the movie. I looked up at him from my very comfortable position in his lap. “Why? We just went grocery shopping yesterday.”

  “I want to buy you a dress and take you out to dinner,” he answered before bending his head down to kiss my forehead.

  “You don’t have to do that. You’ve already done enough.”

  It had been over a week since I moved into Jude’s small apartment. It’d been a week since I spoke to my mother. As much as I loved my new living arrangement, I couldn’t help but feel guilty about a number of things. A twist of regret and longing would hit me every time I thought of my mom, and I wondered how much damage I had done to our relationship after walking away from her that night. But as terrible as I felt, I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone and call her. I needed to apologize, but my damn pride was getting in the way.

  Why does she always feel the need to protect and shelter me so much?

  The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that it might not be me she was protecting afterall, but rather herself.

  Living with Jude had also brought out the guilt of not being able to contribute anything financially. I hated that feeling. I was twenty-two years old, and I’d never had a job or gone to college. I did
n’t have a single dollar to my name. I felt like a freeloader. Jude might have been born to wealth, but he wasn’t living a lavish lifestyle anymore. He didn’t have money to throw around, and part of me worried how he could afford another person in his life.

  “I want to. Besides, you can’t tell me going out on a date isn’t on that list.” A sly grin spread across his face.

  “Well, considering I showed you the entire list in bed last night, I’d say you already know the answer to that question.”

  His grin widened. “Yeah, I do, which is why we’re going shopping. Come on, get up. Let’s go!”

  “Okay, okay!” I laughed, rising from the couch. “I should have never shown you that notebook,” I grumbled.

  I felt his hot breath on my ear as he spoke, “I remember I was very persuasive, and I wanted to make sure a certain number was thoroughly crossed out.”

  He turned me slowly around, so we were face-to-face. His hands slid down my back.

  “I think we’ve done a pretty good job on that one over the last week.” I grinned.

  “Just trying to make you feel as normal as possible.” The dimple in his cheek appeared. “A hot young thing like you? How could I possibly be around you all the time and not want to be fucking you every single second of the day?”

  His bold words left me breathless.

  “See?” he said. “I’m just keeping it real.”

  “Uh-huh,” I managed to say.

  A slap to my backside brought me out of my lusty trance.

  “Come on,” he laughed.

  He grabbed the keys off the counter, and we headed out, immediately feeling the warm summer breeze blowing past us as we exited the apartment. Southern California had been having a bit of a heat wave over the last week. Rather than being greeted by the comforting cool ocean breeze that was one of the advantages of living so close to the coast, we were all being bogged down by the stifling heat.

  “So hot,” I said as we got into the blazing hot car.

  “Let me turn the air on. At least that works in this pile of—”

  “Hey! Be nice to Yertle! He will hear you!” I said, rubbing the worn dash lovingly.

  Jude shook his head as we pulled out into traffic. “I have no idea why you love this car so much.”

  “It’s yours. Why wouldn’t I love it?”

  He didn’t answer, but I saw the corner of his mouth curve into a small smile.

  Several minutes later, we arrived in a popular area in Santa Monica that was well known for little boutiques and great restaurants. He didn’t bother asking me where I wanted to go. He knew I’d say some place cheap like Old Navy, or I’d ask if there was a Target around. He was so right. I was already scamming the area for the big red bull’s-eye.

  About a block down, he pulled us into a fairly large store. It didn’t have that stuffy, cramped feeling many others had as we’d walked past them, and I wasn’t bombarded by salesclerks the minute I’d walked in, which was a plus in my mind. They also had a clearance rack.

  Score.

  “Really? You go straight for the sales?”

  “You can’t blame me for being thrifty. Besides, it doesn’t matter if it’s fifty percent off and looks like this.” I held up the dress I’d spotted at the door, and I watched his eyes bug out of his head.

  “Try it on—now,” he demanded.

  I searched for the dressing room and made a beeline to the entrance. Eye contact was made with the store clerk, and she ushered me to go ahead. Jude took a seat just out front. I pulled the curtain back, lifted my shirt, and slid my shorts down my legs.

  “Nice,” I heard from beyond the curtain.

  I snorted out a laugh and shook my head as I unzipped the dress from the hanger. It covered my scar perfectly, and it tied in a bow just at the nape of my neck. Nearly backless, the vibrant summery pattern gathered at my waist and flared out in an asymmetrical pattern. It felt light and airy against my skin, and it did amazing things to my slight figure.

  I took a deep breath and turned, facing the curtain. I slowly pulled it back, revealing myself to Jude. His gaze lifted, and I watched his surprised expression change into raw hunger.

  “I think the zipper isn’t up all the way in the back,” he said, swiftly rising from his chair.

  I looked down immediately and turned to check.

  “What? Yes, it is. Oh—”

  The curtain was yanked shut, and his mouth slammed down on mine. He pressed me up against the cold mirror, and anxious hands slid under my dress. I grabbed fistfuls of his hair, pulling him closer, as his tongue moved against mine, over and over, relentlessly,

  “Is everything okay in there?” the clerk hollered from outside the curtain.

  My hands froze, and our frenzied kisses slowed. A wicked grin appeared on Jude’s face seconds before he reached up and snapped the tag from the dress.

  “Go pay for it,” he said, handing me his wallet. “I’m going to grab your clothes, and I’ll be out…in a minute.”

  I looked down to the impressive bulge in his pants, and I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing before I left to pay the weary-eyed cashier.

  “Oh my God, we almost had sex in a dressing room!” I giggled into his shoulder as we walked arm in arm down the street minutes later.

  “I was perfectly in control. I don’t know what your problem was.”

  I playfully smacked his chest as we continued our goofy banter down the block. We stopped at a quiet little Italian restaurant. There was a bit of a wait, so we headed to the bar and took a seat.

  “You can order something if you want,” I said, motioning to the bartender on the other side of the bar.

  “I don’t need anything.”

  I placed my hand on his. “Just because I have limitations doesn’t mean you have to.”

  “It’s not that,” he answered. “I haven’t had a drink since the night of the accident. I just can’t.”

  Nodding, I smiled warmly. “So, water for both of us?”

  His eyes crinkled together. “I think I’ll be daring and go with a Coke.”

  “Oh, crazy.”

  We ordered our drinks, and after twenty minutes, Jude began to get impatient.

  “I’m going to go check on our table. I’ll be right back.” His hand brushed across my back, and then he vanished into the crowd.

  I was left swirling the ice in my cup, waiting for him to return.

  People sat around the bar, laughing and joking, oblivious to how lucky they were to have moments like this. They were completely unaware of how incredibly blessed they were for the normalcy they had in their lives.

  Then again, I was finally having my chance as well.

  I was finally the lucky one.

  “You look awfully lonely, sitting there, all by yourself,” a deep voice said from behind me.

  Smiling, I thought Jude was playing a trick on me, but I turned to find an older broad-shouldered man standing behind me. His neatly trimmed dark hair and dazzling white smile startled me, and I wondered for a moment if he was actually speaking to someone else.

  “Excuse me?” I replied softly.

  “I said, you look awfully lonely. Can I buy you a drink and join you?”

  “Uh…I am actually—”

  “She’s spoken for,” Jude’s baritone voice filled the air as his possessive hand slid across my shoulder.

  The man looked immediately put out, and his gaze narrowed in on Jude. “Well, I think she probably has a say in that, doesn’t she?” he said smugly, looking down at me like he expected me to shove Jude and throw myself at him instead.

  “I’m definitely spoken for. Thanks,” I answered, turning to Jude and forgetting all about the man with the bleach-white smile.

  Jude’s hands cupped my face, and he shook his head. “Five seconds. I leave you alone for five seconds, and they’re on you like vultures.”

  “I got hit on!” I exclaimed with a slight high-pitched thrill in my voice.

  He rolled
his eyes. “That was one thing on your list I really could have left undone. Or better yet, I could have just done it myself. In fact, let’s just say I did it first and forget this ever happened.”

  “Aw, poor Jude,” I said before sticking my lip out in a fake pout.

  He shot forward and bit my lip before sucking it into his mouth for a dizzy kiss. “Mine,” he growled. “Let’s go eat.”

  M’kay.

  “You invited my mother over?” I repeated for the second time since he’d announced it.

  We’d just finished our amazing dinner, and we’d hopped into the car when he dropped the mom bomb on me.

  “Angel”—he turned to me after starting the ignition—“Grace can’t stay with you tonight, and you know I can’t leave you alone while I’m at work.”

  I might have rolled my eyes as he backed out of the parking space.

  “I called her this morning, and she really misses you.”

  Guilt? Party of one!

  “Well, she hasn’t bothered calling,” I said gruffly, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “She said she wanted to give you the space you requested, but it’s been killing her. I think she’s been sneaking updates through Marcus.”

  “That just figures,” I grumbled.

  He gave me a warm smile as he made a right turn at a stoplight.

  “Oh, fine!” I said, caving to his silent torture.

  “I know you want to see her.”

  “Yeah, I do,” I admitted.

  “Good. It’s only a few hours. I managed to get a short shift tonight, so I’ll be home by midnight.”

  I nodded as I watched while he killed the engine and opened the door. I looked around and noticed my mother’s car a few spots over. The driver’s side door opened, and she appeared.

  “Hi, Lailah,” she greeted me.

  We walked up the stairs to Jude’s apartment. We stopped at the door, and she awkwardly wrung her hands together, uncertain what to do next.

  “Hi, Mom,” I answered, stepping forward to wrap my arms around her.

  She melted, her hands moving around my back, snug and sure. “I missed you,” she said, pulling back to take a look at me. “You look beautiful.”