He hung up before I could answer. I slipped on my fleece pajamas and the thickest coat I could find in my closet. It was useless grabbing my coat from the living room. My mom would hear me opening that door and my chances of escape would be over.
I slipped into my combat boots and pried the door open, whispering silent prayers to God that it didn’t squeak. I shut it behind me and crawled to the front door. The floor in the house was carpeted allowing for maximum silence. The exit was the hard part. Either she would hear me and kill me, or I’d make it.
I took a few slow deep breaths. Careful to check my surroundings. I opened the door with my eyes shut and tip toed out the door. I didn’t open my eyes again until I was outside for a few minutes.
Brandon’s car was on and humming, the passenger door already open. I ran across the street and slipped inside, careful not to slam his door shut.
“Go.” I tapped his leg. Large, goofy smiles were on our faces. I made it! I actually made it out the door.
16
Serena
Brandon had taken us to a little diner tucked into a cute little shopping center in a nearby town. The place was eerily quiet, and the parking lot was almost empty. With as many trucks that drive through, I was surprised no one was really eating. We walked into the tiny building with linoleum tile floors and picked a booth by the window.
I felt giddy and excited as Brandon sat next to me. It was just us in the whole place. As if it were meant for us to come here and spend time together like this. I took in a long breathe, and the smell of food made my stomach grumble.
“What would you two like to drink?” A woman wearing black pants and a bright smile approached us with a small notepad and pen.
“I’ll have water,” I said, returning her smile.
“Me too.”
“Alright.” She scribbled it down and placed the notepad on her hip. “What are you doing up so late? You couldn’t have been that hungry.”
We looked at each other, sharing small smiles as if we had a secret. We looked back to her. She gave us a knowing smile and put a hand up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. Let me know when you’re ready to order.”
I reached across Brandon and grabbed a menu. “So, I know you brought me out here for a reason. It wasn’t just to get food.”
“I am pretty hungry.” He scooted against the wall and brought his leg up on the bench and began to play with a packet of sugar. “I couldn’t sleep.” He met my eyes. “And I wanted to see you.”
I bit the inside of my mouth to stop the blush I knew I was forming. I snuck out of the house to go on an almost date. Almost because he didn’t call it one, but it felt like one. Besides, do people go on dates in pajamas? The waitress returned with our waters.
“So are we ready to order?” Her eyes darted between the both of us as she clicked her pen and we nodded.
I hadn’t made any decisions on food. I picked up my menu and chose the first thing I saw. “I’ll have chili with a lot of cheese and some toast.”
“No crackers?”
“Nope.”
“And for you, handsome?” She winked at Brandon, and I could see his ego swelling in his eyes. I chuckled. The guy was a sucker for compliments.
“The Big Breakfast, please.” He displayed a toothy grin and handed her our menus. She nodded and walked away. “What do you want to do with your life?”
“That was random.” I went to touch my hair and removed my hand when I realized I had tied it up. It was a miracle I didn’t go outside with a bonnet on my head. Would he have cared anyway? It was so late at night. I grabbed the ends of my sleeves and placed my chin in my hands. “I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet. I guess I’ll figure that out in college. What about you?”
“Shoot I wish I was that calm about the future.” He shook his head and as if it left the diner for a moment as he searched for an answer. “I know what I’m doing, but I don’t know if I’ll like what I’ll be doing or if it’s really for me, you know?”
I nodded, with as much pressure his parents put on Trinity to come out of Anne’s vagina knowing what she was going to do, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had to know everything about his future too.
“I’ve got a plan and a backup plan, but if I end up failing at both . . . I don’t know.” His voice held almost the same amount of frustration and anxiety Trinity had.
“I think you’ll be fine.” He and Trinity were good at almost everything. They had good grades. They were creative. They knew a shit ton of stuff I didn’t. They would be more than fine. “You won’t fail no matter what you do.”
The waitress came back with our food, and we mouthed our thanks. “Tell that to mom.”
“Your mom is weird.” I bit into my food and smiled.
“You’re telling me.”
I chuckled and pointed at my plate with my fork. “This was a good idea.”
“Mhmm.” He squinted his eyes at me and tilted his head as I ate. He reached towards me and rubbed his thumb across my lip. Heat shot through my body and I froze. “You’ve got something on your face.”
“Oh.” My mouth was still full of food. I was so awkward. I quickly chewed and swallowed. “Did you get it?”
“No. Hold on.” Amusement danced in his eyes as he moved towards me, his eyes focusing on my lips. He lifted my chin, and I stopped breathing. My heart was pumping so hard it was deafening. “It’s right here.”
His hand swooped to the back of my neck and he pulled me to him, connecting our lips. The kiss was slow at first. Soft and sweet. I was going to melt. We were in public, but it was so nice that I felt myself giving in. In that moment I didn’t care. I had feelings for this boy, and I didn’t care. I didn’t care what my mom thought about me. I didn’t care about being out so late. I was happy then. I liked him. I liked him so much, it was almost scary.
Then the kiss ended. Reality returned. I still had to care. I still had to worry. Maybe I could just hold off until I got home. Enjoy being with him and deal with life the next day. I couldn’t do that. I knew that.
“Alright love birds. Are you ready for the check?”
She winked at us and my neck burned from embarrassment. Maybe I could care a little less about other things, but I had just kissed a guy in public.
“Yeah,” Brandon said as we shifted apart from each other.
“Okay! Check’s coming right up,” she said and sashayed away.
“Where the fuck have you been?” My mother was sitting at the dining room table. The only light on her face came from the moon and made her look like one of those scary old women in horror films. I didn’t think she would be awake. She was never awake this late. She stood so fast the chair slammed on the ground. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t move. She had my collar bunch up in her hands in a matter of seconds. “Do you know what fucking time it is little girl?”
She shook me. Her eyes were wild with anger and hate. “Do you!?”
She shoved me and I hit the door, the handle slamming into my back. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you fucking him now too?”
“Mom.” I choked out. I could feel water at the edge of my eyes. I couldn’t cry.
“Don’t mom me.” She began pacing back and forth in front of me, clenching and unclenching her fist. Fear hit me like cold needles against my skin. “You’re insane, you know that? You’re a walking piece of sin. I raised you better than this. You are not my daughter. My daughter wouldn’t do something like this. My daughter’s perfect. She’d be in bed. She’d - She’d be in bed.”
Her hand lifted and fell hard against my cheek. I doubled back into the door again, gripping that side of my face. “Why aren’t you bed?”
“I didn’t sleep with him.” My voice was quiet. Her eyes went dark and wild. She didn’t believe me. She’d never believe me. No matter what truth I told or showed. It was never good enough for her. I was never good enough for her.
“Don’t lie to your mother, Serena.” Her voice was surprisingly even
that time, contradicting the craziness sitting in her pupils. “Momma doesn’t like liars. Tell me the truth.”
“That was the truth.”
She groaned and turned away from me. “You know when I told you to be like me. I didn’t mean the old me. I didn’t mean the me that gave her body to so many men hoping they’d give her the world. I don’t want you to end up like me, Serena, but it looks like you’re already there.”
I’m not like you. I don’t want to be like you. Not now. Not ever. I thought.
“Catching you in your room with that boy.” Her eyes saw past me and she sucked in her lips. “You and that boy in the same bed . . . Everything I do for you is to prevent that from happening again. You’re not getting pregnant if I can help it. But you’re defiant. You’re disrespectful. You just want to be a worthless little piece of shit with a baby in your arms, don’t you, little girl.”
My body was shaking. I felt like ice as tears ran down my face. I was worthless to her. I was worthless. Just worthless. I closed my eyes and wrapped myself in my arms, trying hard to prevent sobs from escaping my lips. I was worthless.
I felt her wipe a tear from my face. “People in our family don’t cry, Serena. Your grandmother didn’t let me cry, and I won’t let you cry either. You’re still a little child. You’ll always be a child.”
I shook my head wanting to rid myself of her words. I didn’t want them. I didn’t want to believe them. I knew what I did. I knew who I was. I wasn’t her.
“You can’t leave the house unless it’s for school. If you have to do that project, you’re going to have to find another way to complete it. I won’t let you be alone with that boy again.” I nodded, knowing I couldn’t argue with her. “You won’t go to prom. You won’t go to your Senior Day Event. Just school and home. Now go to bed.”
She shoved me out of her way and I stumbled to my room.
BRANDON
I had been trying to talk to Serena the entire day at school, but something seemed off. She still smiled when she saw me. She still said hi and talked to her friends, but she was distant. Her eyes held a faraway look, and her words were short and incomplete. I wanted to know if everything was okay. I wanted to know if her mom got to her again. I wanted to tell her how I felt about her. I wanted to at least tell her that, but her mind wasn’t here today. Her mind was somewhere else.
I was sitting in AP English, listening to the teacher lecture about Zora Neale Hurston when I saw Sven pat her shoulder. He handed her a small sheet of paper. She opened it in her hands and shook her head, before closing it. Keith’s shoulders shook as he muffled a laugh. Sven looked wounded.
The bell rang and I jumped from my seat, moving as fast as I could to get to her. I grabbed her hand and her eyes went wide for a bit when she turned to me.
“Hey.” I felt her hand move undermine, and I was afraid she was going to take it away. Her fingers tangled with mine. Her grip was tight as if she were holding on for life. Her hand was shaking, and I moved my thumb over hers, hoping to calm her. “Everything okay?”
“It could be better.” She moved our hands close to her as we left the building. “It could be worse.”
“Do we have time to talk?” I pulled her to the side behind a tree. There was enough of a view of the bus lane in case I needed to let her go.
She nodded. The sadness in her eyes was overwhelming. I grabbed her other hand. “My bus isn’t here yet.”
I waited patiently for her to speak first. Anything I wanted to say, I could say later.
“I can’t.” Her voice came out raspy and she dropped her eyes.
I let a hand go and caressed her cheek. She leaned into me and that was all I needed to know how she felt about me. Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment, and I lowered my voice. “You can’t what?”
“I-” Her voice cracked, and her breathing was heavy as she opened her eyes. “I like you a lot, and I know you like me too, but no matter how much I want to, and I really want . . . we can’t be together.
“Why not?” The only pain I could interpret was hurt and confusion. I was hurt and confused that we couldn’t be together. “Is it your mom?”
She nodded.
“She doesn’t have to know. We could hide it from her,” I said and she actually cracked a smile that fell as quickly as it came.
“She would know.” She folded her arms. “She would know, and she would kill me over it. I already can’t leave the house, I can’t use a phone, I can’t talk to anyone outside of school. We can’t even do the project unless it’s here. During fucking school hours. I can’t do shit.”
“Would she really kill you over it?” I didn’t think her mom would go that far.
“After what she did last night . . .” Serena placed her hands over her head and looked up. She took a few deep breaths before attempting to continue. “I-I don’t know what she would do to me . . .” She waved an arm back and forth between us. “What she’d do to us.”
My mind began to piece things together. God I was such an idiot. I should’ve known. “I got you in trouble, didn’t I?”
“I got myself in trouble.” She sighed and her shoulders dropped.
“Did she hit you?” I moved myself close to her. She wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I noticed she was shaking. Tears began to fall, and I made it my mission to catch every last one of them. “Did she hit you, Serena?”
“She just slapped me. Most mom’s smack their kids, right?” She said almost to herself. Most moms didn’t smack their kids. Not over stupid stuff like that. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have left the house. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why she hates me so much.”
“Shh. It’s okay. You just snuck out. We both snuck out.” My mom fussed at me too, but she didn’t hit me. I pulled Serena close, and she buried her head into my shoulder. I was fucking angry. How could a mom be that way to their daughter? What did Serena ever do to her? I wanted to find Sophia myself, and give her a taste of her own medicine. What the fuck was wrong with her? Did Serena think she deserved it? I pulled back enough to see her face. “You didn’t deserve that.”
Her lips turned down further. I could see the struggle in her eyes. She didn’t believe me.
“Serena.”
She looked toward the bus lane before finally meeting my eyes. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Is this it?” I wanted her to say no, but I knew she wouldn’t. Everything about her didn’t want it to be. I didn’t want it to be it, but she nodded anyway.
“I can’t date you,” she said, taking my hands off her. “I’m not allowed to date, and if I choose to secretly date you I’m just asking for it. She’d find out, and I don’t think we want her to actually do something to me.”
“We could make it work.” I caught her hand again. “Secretly dating isn’t hard. We would just plan well, so we could spend time together.”
“Brandon.” She shook her head. “We’re both going to different schools. We’d be long distance anyway. I really, really have to go.”
My heart dropped into my stomach. My chest was hollow. I didn’t want to let her go. “You sure about this?”
“We might meet different people.”
“Fuck different people. I just want you.” Turmoil moved in her lips, and she shook her head again. I pulled her to me again. Kissing her like I’d never see her again. She wouldn’t be mine. I’d lost her again to her fear of her mother, and it was fucking killing me. A final call for bus riders was made, and I kissed her forehead. “You better go then.”
“Bye.” Her voice was raspy and dry as she turned away from me and ran towards her bus.
“Bye.”
17
Brandon
You know what sucks? Spending your entire spring break with a broken heart. Knowing that you could’ve done something to get the girl you fell in love with, but feeling completely helpless. I was supposed to be strong, but I wasn’t strong enough for her. I should’ve fought harder. Came up with more ideas. Maybe called the cops?
I mean, there was no concrete evidence. The cops in this town took forever to show up anyway and could care less about a seventeen year old’s issues with her mother unless they saw bruises on her face.
I should have tried harder. I should have.
Now I’m sitting here on vacation with my grandparents turning the conversation over in my head. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t seem real. How could things end before it even started?
My mom, Trinity, and grandmother were sitting outside by the hotel pool laughing. Trinity finally got to join in on adult conversations, and she seemed happy. Unlike me.
I sat in one of the lounge chairs inside staring at pool water.
“You know, with as long as your face is, I’d think you got your heart broken.” My grandfather sat beside me and handed me a glass of water. “You’re not old enough to drink yet so . . . this is the best I could do.”
I smiled. “Grazie nonno.”
My grandfather only spoke in Italian to us after finding out that we were learning. He was tired of broken English anyway.
“So who did it, grandson? It’s not that girl that lives across the street is it.”
I grimaced and he bumped my shoulder. “Ah. It is. Lost her again. I see. You might just have to leave that one alone.”
“Nonno.” I groaned. I really didn’t want to talk about her. I had trouble getting her off my mind already.
“I know. I know, but you might have to. You know I chased your grandmother for years before she decided to marry me, but you’re still young.” He patted my shoulder. “You get to go to college. I heard college girls were better anyway.”
I had thought about that, but I wasn’t very interested. I just wanted to finish high school and throw myself into soccer practice. If a couple of girls come along, then cool, but it wasn’t a big deal to me.
Longing for the Impossible Page 10
