by Utt, Kelly
“I was calling for you, Daddy,” Ethan says.
His voice is a whimper. He’s near tears.
“I heard you scream and came right away,” I say.
“In the dream,” he clarifies. “I was calling for you in the dream.”
“Oh?” I ask. “Where was I?”
“You were looking for Mommy,” my son says.
A charge spikes through me as I remember my own dream and in an instant, I’m covered in goosebumps from head to toe. Marjorie and Ali need to hear this.
“Can you tell me more?” I ask, swallowing hard and trying to maintain my composure.
Roddy sees the change in my demeanor and tilts his head to one side as he listens closely.
“We were in a forest,” Ethan says.
“Okay,” I reply.
“Near a small road,” he adds.
My God, this is the same dream I had the night before last. I wonder what in the world is happening.
“And you were calling for me?” I ask, doing my best to sound normal.
“Yes,” Ethan says. “I could tell you were looking for Mommy in the woods. You were calling her name. I was scared. I was calling for you and you didn’t hear me.”
With that, he bursts into full-blown tears and hugs my neck tightly with his little arms. I remember what sounds like the exact same setting in my dream. And I could hear Ethan calling me from somewhere in the distance. We had the very same dream from different perspectives, one night apart.
I wonder if I should tell him the whole story. I want to validate my son’s experience, yet I don’t want to alarm him. After all, these are just dreams we’re talking about. I hope they’re just dreams, anyway. I wonder why I’d be looking for Ali in the woods. The thought sends a chill down my spine, almost as if my body knows more than my mind. I certainly hope that situation doesn’t come to pass. I shudder to think about it, even for a minute.
I again glance at Roddy and open my eyes wide to signal that I have something to share with him. I decide to reassure Ethan and try to bolster his confidence back up to near-normal levels. Once that’s done, I can tell the others about this uncanny coincidence. Marjorie will help me make sense of it.
“You’re safe, son,” I say as I pat Ethan’s back. “You’re here with me, Mommy, Papa Roddy, Mama Marjorie, and Uncle Liam. That’s five different grownups to watch over you and keep you safe.”
“No, Daddy,” he clarifies. “I think Mommy was the one you were worried about. You couldn’t find her.”
Upon hearing this, my eyes fill with tears and I become too upset to speak. Roddy steps in.
“Come over here to your Papa Roddy,” he says as he reaches for Ethan and invites him into his arms.
Ethan gives my neck another squeeze, then pats me gently on both cheeks before climbing into his Papa Roddy’s big, warm embrace.
“It was scary,” Ethan says again, to Roddy this time.
“It sounds like it,” Roddy confirms. “But it was only a dream. Your mommy is safe and sound downstairs. She’s getting dressed right now so we can all go to the airport for our trip to Lake Tahoe. We’re flying on an airplane today, remember?”
“Yeah,” Ethan replies, sounding stronger. “In the air above the clouds.”
“That’s right,” Roddy says. “High above the clouds. Did you pack your kids’ camera so you can take pictures?”
“Yes,” our little guy answers. “It’s in my backpack with my toys and books.”
“How about you sit by me on the airplane today and we’ll take pictures together?” Roddy asks his grandson.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Ethan cheers, lifting his elbows and flapping his arms each time.
“Alright!” Roddy cheers back, pumping his fist in the air. “So, how about we shake the scariness of that bad dream right off so we can be excited about our trip?”
“Okay,” Ethan replies as he hops around the hallway, shaking his arms and legs wildly.
“Good boy,” Roddy confirms. “Shake all the scariness out. You’re doing it.”
Ethan shakes until he’s content, then prances off to the bathroom to get ready. Ali already has his clothes laid out for him just like she did for little Will.
Once that’s settled, Roddy comes back to tend to me. I’ve fallen backward and am sitting on the floor of the hallway, propped up against a wall.
“I’ve got you, George,” my father-in-law says as he extends a hand and helps me up. “We’re okay.”
“I… that… it startled me,” I begin. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“I know you weren’t,” Roddy says. “None of us want to see Ethan frightened. He’s been through a lot.”
“You don’t understand,” I say. “I need to tell Marjorie and Ali.”
“Okay,” Roddy answers slowly, looking at me curiously. “What am I missing?”
I shake my head from side to side, hoping to shake off some of my fear just like Ethan did. It feels like more than I can handle. I motion for Roddy to lean in closer. I want to whisper it to him so no one else hears. He tilts his head towards mine and lets me know to go ahead.
“I had the same dream Saturday night,” I say quietly.
Roddy raises his head and meets my gaze with a look of surprise on his face. Apparently, Marjorie didn’t tell him what I shared with her.
“Yeah,” I say. “It was the same, except from my perspective. I was on a road in the woods and was looking for Ali. I was calling out for her. I was desperate to find her.”
“Wow,” he replies.
“I thought I heard Ethan calling my name from somewhere off in the distance, but I didn’t know where he was. I thought that part might be my imagination because the sound was so faint. I only knew I had to focus on finding Ali.”
Roddy stands silently for a moment, taking it in. Before he can respond, Ethan marches out of the bathroom cheerfully. We hear Leo stir in the bedroom behind us and little Will fuss in the room next door.
“Look, George,” Roddy says. “We have kids to take care of and a flight to make. Can we talk about this later on? Tonight when the little ones are in bed, maybe?”
“Yeah,” I manage, standing up straighter and placing one hand on my chest to center myself. “Fine.”
“You sure?” Roddy asks.
“I’m okay,” I say. “Let’s get moving.”
“Alright then,” he continues. “I’m already showered. How about you and I work with these boys so our lovely ladies can finish getting ready? We’re scheduled to be out the door in less than half an hour, right?”
“Yes,” I say, feeling a little dazed, but snapping back to reality.
“Good,” Roddy confirms. “Now get going. Finish up with Will. I’ll help Leo.”
We continue dressing the boys and making sure we have everything on our lists completed as planned.
Liam is up and ready downstairs when we arrive there. He packs the cars while we wait on Ali and Marjorie to arrive in the living room. The sun is beginning to show its first bit of morning glow out front and the day has palpable energy to it. It seems positive. This should be a fantastic trip full of good experiences. It’s supposed to be, anyway. So, I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling dread at the thought of leaving the safety of our home.
I’m still new to this intuition stuff. I’m not even sure if this shared dream constitutes intuition. And Roddy wants to discuss it later. That makes logical sense, but a part of me wants to run to Marjorie and ask her to tell me exactly what this all means. If this shared dream is a real vision and Ali is in danger, I want to know precisely how to protect her. It’s my job. It’s the reason I exist in the here and now. The thought of failing my family again is unimaginable. I can’t wrap my mind around it. It’s my worst fear, and it’s hard to simply shake off. I must do anything and everything in my power to keep them safe.
Ali and her mom arrive in the living room looking pretty. Although that’s an understatement. They could be models in a travel magazine, th
ey’re so beautiful. Ali takes Will out of my arms as he smiles and sweet talks his mama. She squats down and opens her free arm for Ethan and Leo to join her. They trot happily towards their mom and settle contentedly in her embrace. After a quick hug and a few words of encouragement, the four of them open the front door and head out to our Tesla.
“Say bye bye to the house,” Ali prompts as they walk. “We’ll be gone awhile.”
“Bye-bye, house,” Ethan and Leo say in unison.
Will claps and squeals.
“Ask the Universe to watch over our house and our special things while we’re away,” Ali continues. “And to watch over our Ladygirl while she’s at Jenny and Duke’s place. And to watch over Jenny and Duke. And your Grandma Hartmann. Ask the Universe to watch over us all.”
Ethan and Leo do as instructed, then climb into the back seat of the Tesla and into their car seats. Ethan uses a booster seat now. He helps his kid brother get buckled up, then gets himself situated. I enjoy watching my family as they interact with each other. They look so happy. So delicate. They look like everything good, true, and right in this world, embodied in mortal flesh. When I'm feeling strong, I don't fear for their safety minute to minute. But this morning, I'm feeling weak. I'm shaky and balmy from nervous perspiration. My chest feels like a lead weight has been dropped on it. My heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach. My sweet wife and our three little boys are so precious. My mind flip-flops between alternating perspectives. One moment, I feel balanced and everything seems good. The next moment, I'm thinking about a myriad of worst-case scenarios and seeing threats around every corner.
I tell myself to get it together. This trip is about fun and relaxation. It's the first trip that little Will has taken with the family and it's the first trip since the break-in last January. We all need some downtime. It's also a trip meant to allow us an opportunity to discuss business plans. I don't want to ruin it for everyone by freaking out about imagined threats.
We load the rest of our luggage and pile into our vehicles. Ali, the boys, and I ride in the Tesla, while Roddy and Marjorie ride with Liam in his truck. Ali drives, so I take the chance to do some deep breathing and calm myself as I ride along. I think about what Roddy said in the hallway upstairs, about how we have a big trip ahead. I also think about what he implied. I know there are people counting on me. I've got to hold myself together. Somehow, everything will be okay. There’s no known threat to my family. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
As we back out of the driveway and turn south to head down the hill into town, I notice a white industrial cargo van coming up the hill in the other direction. It looks a lot like the one the getaway driver took off in the night of the break-in. When this registers in my mind, my adrenaline spikes and I shift into high gear. My body stiffens and my heart races. I can feel my hands balling up into fists. Ali sees the change in my body posture and looks back and forth between me and the approaching van.
"Georgie, what is it?” she asks, her voice sounding strained. She knows good and well what it is. What she’s really asking is whether I think this is the same van.
"I... I don’t know,” I reply. "Probably nothing. Just a random cargo van."
"If what we’re seeing is just a random cargo van, then why are you sitting up so straight and tense like that?" she inquires.
"I guess I'm still a little jumpy,” I reply. "It's probably nothing."
Ali slows down to a crawl as we watch the white van drive past us. The windows are tinted, and it's hard to see the driver. In fact, we can’t even make out whether it’s a man or a woman behind the wheel. All we can see is the outline of a dark figure inside. I check the vehicle for markings. I don't see any. The license plate is obscured from view by busted lights that dangle down above it. I’m not sure there’s even a plate on there. It may be a temporary tag with a simple black plastic frame. I can’t tell. We couldn’t tell anything about the license plate on the getaway vehicle the night of the break-in either. There weren’t any visible markings. It sure would ease my mind about the vehicle that just passed us if I could have taken down the license plate number for the police to research. No such luck.
"Don't worry about it, Ali,” I say. "I'll give Duke a call when we get to the airport and ask him to send a patrol car by our house, just to be safe."
"I’m not the one who is worried,” she says. "We can't let fear rule our lives, Georgie. Let's proceed to the airport as planned. We’ll be vigilant like we would have been anyway. That's all we can really do.”
"Right. Let's keep moving," I say.
I try to look comfortable each time my wife glances over to check on me during the rest of the ride to the airport, but my mind is racing as fast as my heart. I'm pretty sure our security system would hold up under another break-in attempt if there were to be one. Taye assured us it would. But I worry about our physical safety, especially when we're out and about. The house has become like a fortress, safe and secure. When we leave the protection of the house, it makes me jittery. Granted, it gives me some measure of comfort that we’re flying more than halfway across the country. If the getaway driver is still after us, it seems like it would be harder for him to follow us to Lake Tahoe. But it’s hard to speculate because I have no earthly idea why he is after us in the first place. I honestly don't understand. Is this a situation where he will go all out and start doing things like tampering with the airplane we’re riding on? Or is that crazy? I hear my thoughts as they float by and I realize I sound paranoid. Tampering with the plane is over the top. It's beginning to feel like the biggest part of the problem is my own mind. Although, if you’d asked me last December about the likelihood that an intruder would enter our home through an upstairs window and take Ethan out, nearly making it off the property and taking him away, I would have said that sounded completely absurd. Next to impossible even. Yet, that’s exactly what happened.
After I recovered from the initial shock of the break-in, my fear and anxiety were under control for several months. I thought about what happened to us and about the ongoing risk, but in a manageable and reasonable way. Now, I can't help but wonder if I should have been thinking about it more. Have I been in denial? If something happens to my family, I'll never forgive myself. It's my job to protect them. I'm so afraid I won't be able to. Just... Afraid. At a fundamental, primitive level. I need a real strategy that goes beyond staying home all the time. And fast. I wonder if we should turn around and going back to the house instead of getting on an airplane this morning.
I don’t say anything else to Ali. We ride in silence as the boys talk amongst themselves, blissfully unaware of my concerns. Or so it seems, anyway.
We arrive at Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport without incident. The mood is cheerful as we check our large bags and begin a leisurely trek towards our gate. I make a quick call to Duke as promised, then we stop and eat the breakfast we packed before proceeding through security. We’ve allowed plenty of time before our plane is scheduled to take off, so we have it to spare. Besides, Ithaca’s airport is small. It won’t take long at all to make our way to the gate for departure. The adults in our group supplement the homemade grub with airport food, but Ali wanted to make sure the boys had bellies full of what they were used to before boarding the plane. She’s so good to us. She’s a real natural when it comes to mothering and caring for our boys. She isn’t half bad at taking care of me either.
Our first leg of the trip is on a commuter plane to Albany. There, we have a short layover, then we get on a larger plane en route to Reno. The boys seem to enjoy riding on both a small and a large aircraft. One of the pilots on the larger plane lets Ethan and Leo sit in the cockpit for a few minutes before resuming pre-flight preparations. Both kiddos are thrilled by the seemingly endless buttons, knobs, and levers on the control panels. Will watches his big brothers excitedly from Ali’s arms. When the pilot shakes their hands and wishes them a good flight, they trot down the narrow aisle to our seats, located just behind the wing.
All three boys behave perfectly for the duration. It just goes to show that kids can, in fact, handle being in busy public places with adults as long as their needs are met. Ali and I are good at anticipating issues before they materialize, so our boys never have to get too worked up or bent out of shape. The toy bags I like to pack are pure magic. They’re a primary key to getting through these types of situations without alienating those around us.
During our travels, I scan every situation I encounter for signs of trouble. It’s something I always do. In the military, I was taught to watch for bags that are unattended, strange behavior, and dress that isn’t appropriate for the season. When someone is dressed in heavy winter clothes during hot summer months, for instance, it’s a big red flag. Baggy clothes can conceal bombs and weapons. Liam has the same military training, and I notice him scanning the crowd as well. This behavior isn’t just a result of the anxiety I’m dealing with due to my current situation. It's something I do regularly because it's been drilled into me. Today, though, it makes me feel especially good to be proactive and following my training. There's no worse feeling than not having any control over your own safety. Taking even the simplest steps to plan for contingencies and possible outcomes helps me feel so much better. It helps me feel in control, which I need more than ever today. I’m sure every single military service member would say the same thing about their training and what it does for their readiness to protect and serve. Preparation for a variety of outcomes is a fundamental part of what it means to be a part of the United States military. It’s the same for all five branches of service: the Air Force, the Navy, the Army, the Marine Corps, and the Coast Guard. We’re a breed of men and women who want to help other people. We desire order and fairness. We value peace and the right to move around freely without being harassed or injured. I’m sure police officers, firefighters, and other first responders feel similarly. It’s who we are. It’s in our blood. In our bones.
