by Jani Kay
“I think I’m coming down with a cold. Everything’s aching—my damn throat’s scratchy and I have a headache from hell. Sorry, cupcake.” I sunk further into the soft cushions and closed my eyes.
I hate feeling sick.
“How about I get you some cold and flu tablets after I go to the bookstore?”
“I don’t like the idea of you going out by yourself. Tell you what...I’ll have a nanna nap as you suggested...then wake me in an hour and we’ll go, okay?”
She placed her hand on my forehead. “Becca, you’re feverish. And actually, you look like shit.” I heard a cupboard door opening and pills rattling against plastic. “Here, take these.”
Lily held out two headache tablets and my water bottle. Grateful, I gave her a weak smile as I swallowed them and lay back against the cushions again. “I’ll be better in an hour.”
“Sis, you shouldn’t go out feeling like this.” She planted a sloppy kiss on my forehead. “I’m not a kid anymore and I go out by myself all the time. I’ll get the book and flu tablets and be right back by the time you wake up. We’ll have dinner then, okay?”
I forced my heavy eyelids open. “No. I prefer to go with you,” I croaked.
“You worry too much, seriously.” She wrapped a scarf around her neck, smiling at me.
“Lily, wait for me.” I pushed up to my elbows.
She rolled her eyes at me before she closed the door behind her.
I should’ve jumped up and followed her, but my teeth clattered as my body started shivering. Dammit. If only she’d wait a while. I’d be fine once the tablets kicked in and the fever broke.
Maybe she was right. I sighed and lay back, pulling the throw over me. As the oldest sibling, I was super protective of my two sisters, especially because our flaming red hair provoked a lot of teasing at school, and since Daddy died, I took on the responsibility of being the ‘other’ parent in his absence.
My eyelids grew heavier and my limbs sunk into the couch. If only Kurt was available, but he’d taken over someone else’s shift at the hospital after he’d done his own twelve-hour stint. I wondered if he was as tired as I was. All those weeks of sleepless nights had finally caught up with me and the timing couldn’t be worse.
*****
I woke to the sound of the television blaring, a sour taste in my mouth and goose bumps scattered on my skin. I blinked a few times, staring unseeing at the television. The late night shopping channel was the same, whatever country one was in. I found the remote under my arse and switched the TV off.
What time was it? And how come Lily hadn’t woken me when she came in? It was unlike her just to leave me here, sleeping on the couch. Or was she that pissed off I didn’t go out with her?
Stretching out my arms, I yawned. I hated falling asleep in front of the television. I always felt disorientated and stiff from the uncomfortable position I’d ended up lying in. My neck was sore and I rotated it slowly from left to right, and then back the other way to loosen it up.
Rising slowly from the sofa, I shivered as the cool evening breeze snuck in through the open window. I rubbed my arms in an attempt to feel warmer. I had a splitting headache and my stomach growled because I hadn’t eaten anything.
I yawned while glancing at the clock. It was two-fifty-five in the morning. Damn, I only had a few hours left to sleep in my warm and cozy bed before I had to get up again. I tiptoed to the spare bedroom to check on Lily. How did she manage to sneak past me? Usually, I was a light sleeper and any unfamiliar noise woke me.
We’d have a talk in the morning about her going out by herself. I wasn’t comfortable with it and last night she’d caught me off guard by just leaving. As much as she was an adult, it just wasn’t safe. My mind flicked back to the incident at the square—and that was broad daylight... We’d have to reach a compromise. Between Kurt and me, we’d devise a plan so that at least one of us accompanied her.
I flicked on the passage light so I wouldn’t bump into anything. Still feeling drowsy, I didn’t want to wake Lily. Her door was slightly ajar, so I pushed it open slowly, hoping it wouldn’t creak. It was weird how sounds one never heard during the day were amplified at night.
The dim light made it difficult to see, but it didn’t look as if she was in her bed. Clothing was strewn on the bed and I was pretty certain Lily wouldn’t just crawl into the bed like that. I took a few steps into the bedroom, listening for the sounds of her breathing.
Nothing.
My throat tightened. Panic swept through me and I surged forward, holding out my hand to feel if she was tucked under the blankets.
Nothing.
My heart beat so hard against my ribs; I thought they would crack. “Lily,” I called into the silence.
I switched on the bedside lamp, just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. For fuck’s sake, it was three in the morning, and I had no idea where could she be. She wasn’t the type who went to a bar or who picked up guys. At least not when I last checked. Granted, a few months had passed, but it was so out of character, that my heart sank in despair.
Running back to the kitchen, I found my phone on the counter. I scrolled thought the messages, hoping there would be some explanation of where she was.
Nothing.
My stomach churned. I didn’t like coming up with nothing time and time again. Cold sweat broke out on my forehead as I dialed her number. I held my breath as the call rang out and her message service answered. She should be here—asleep in the bed, under my roof.
God, where was she? I dialed again, nausea settling in the pit of my stomach. Again, it rang out. I listened to her bright and cheery voice. It sounded strange at this time of the night.
“Lily, honey, please call me. It’s late and I’m wondering where you are.” I tried to keep the panic from my voice, tried to pretend everything was okay and this was normal.
Two minutes later, I dialed again. Same message.
“Lily. I’m worried, sweetheart. It doesn’t matter if you’re out having fun. Just call me to say you’re okay? Please.” Right now I’d do anything to hear her voice—to know she was safe, even if she was drunk or with a man.
Was she punishing me for not going out with her? It wasn’t how I knew my Lily, but stranger things had happened to me in the past few months, which made me question everything and everyone.
I paced the room, anxious, trying to think through the blinding headache. I rubbed at my temples, trying to imagine where she could possibly be. I hated being in a foreign country. I didn’t know the procedures or how to handle this.
Kurt. He would know.
I dialed his number. “Come on, Kurt. Pick up!” I shouted at him, willing him to answer his phone. He didn’t. Despair was gripping me now, hard cold fear squeezing my heart. I left a voice message for him to call me as soon as he got it.
“Lily. It’s me. I’m not angry with you, baby girl. Just let me know you’re safe, okay?” My mouth was dry; I could hardly get the words out. It was my fifth voice message in twenty minutes.
I sank onto the sofa, my mind racing. Think, Becca, think. Where would Lily go after the bookstore? I came up empty.
Had she met a man and was she with him now? She was a woman, with sexual desires just like any of us. I’d never thought of her like that before, but it was a very real possibility. Maybe she thought this was her chance to break loose and enjoy herself. How much of a fool would I feel like if she strolled in here tomorrow morning and the worst that happened to her was that she’d had multiple orgasms?
The phone broke the silence. I was clutching it so tightly my hands were aching. Lily!
“Where are you?” I screeched down the phone, all reason leaving my brain.
A deep German voice answered me, “Rebecca, I’m still at the hospital. Three hours to go. Are you okay?” I could hear the exhaustion in Kurt’s voice.
“No. I’m not okay,” I blurted out. “It’s Lily. She’s not here and I don’t know where she is.”
“Sc
heisse. Did she go out alone?” Suddenly, he sounded wide-awake.
“Yes. At around seven. She said she wouldn’t be long.”
“You let her go by herself? In a strange city? At night?” His voice boomed. I held the phone away from my ear for a beat.
“Kurt, don’t shout at me. Help me find her. Please.”
“God, Rebecca, Munich is a big fucking city. Did she say at all where she was planning to go?” I felt his rage even through the phone.
“Shopping. A bookstore and pharmacy. That’s all she said.”
“Fuck. Have I not taught you anything, Rebecca? Remember the day at Marienplatz? Those kinds of scavengers are everywhere, especially at night, preying on the vulnerable.”
“Jesus, Kurt, don’t give me a heart attack. What if she’s just out partying? What if she hooked up with a guy?”
“I’ll fucking kill him.”
“Kurt! I don’t know what to do. Help me here,” I pleaded.
“Call the cops. I’ll get away from here as soon as I can. Keep your phone close,” he ordered in a tone I’d never heard Kurt use before. “And stay the fuck where you are. I don’t want to have to be looking for both of you. Are we clear on that?”
I was shaking, cold and frightened. And so alone. So fucking alone.
With trembling fingers, I dialed the number for the police. Kurt had keyed it into my phone on the first night we met. I explained the situation to them as best I could. Frustration at having to repeat myself over and over because they couldn’t understand my accent had turned into a full-blown migraine. I could hardly see out of my eyes—even the lamp was blindingly bright.
The cops told me the same as Kurt. To stay where I was. I paced the room, feeling like a caged lion. Surely if I was out there, pounding the pavement, we’d find her sooner. She could be anywhere. The thought of not knowing was driving me crazy.
My chest tightened. How could I be so damn stupid? It’s all my fault. If something happened to Lily...
It was a nightmare. One I was hoping to wake from very soon.
Chapter 18 — Rebecca
Still trembling, I sank onto the sofa from sheer exhaustion. My stomach rumbled, eating itself from hunger, yet I couldn’t make myself drink or eat a damn thing. Not until I knew my sister was safe. Nearly two hours had passed, and I’d heard nothing.
My mind had been conjuring up all sorts of scenarios—from reasonably innocent ones to the most horrifying. With each passing minute, the scenes in my head were worsening, my fear and panic escalating. I was convinced Lily was dead, somewhere in a ditch. I sobbed, unable to control myself any longer.
How was I going to tell my mother—who had entrusted her youngest daughter into my care—that her baby was...dead? And Chloe? She would look at me as a failure, all respect wiped from her eyes.
It was killing me being alone. Surely there was something I could do to help find her? Fuck this, sitting here hasn’t helped one bit. I was going out to the closest police station to find out if they had any news. Anything at all.
I slipped on sensible shoes and grabbed my jacket. Being anywhere but here, alone, would be better. I jerked the door open and sucked in a breath. Kurt walked toward me and stood in front of the door, his face drawn and pale. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw my jacket over my arm.
“Rebecca, did I not tell you to stay here?” His voice was hard, his tone measured. “What if Lily comes back and you aren’t here?”
I fell into his arms, sobbing. “Kurt, what took you so long? I’m going out of my fucking mind here,” I wailed.
His German accent was even broader when he was angry. “Dammit, woman, get back inside. You’re not going anywhere.” He pushed me inside, out of the cold. It was dawn, and a chilly wind swept the city.
He pulled me into his arms and stroked my head. His voice softened, “It’s okay. I left as soon as I could. We had an emergency. There was a gigantic accident on the Autobahn. Five dead.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry. Here I’m cursing you for not coming sooner and you’re trying to save people’s lives. I’m such a bad person.”
He sighed, rubbing my back slowly. “No, you’re not. You’re understandably upset. I need you to tell me everything about when you last saw her. Everything you can remember, even the smallest detail will help the police find her. I went to the police headquarters, urging them to put out a missing person case. They’re shaken up about her being a foreigner.”
“How come?” I gasped.
“No country wants a traveler to be harmed while in their territory. It’s bad publicity. Tourists drive an economy, you know.”
I nodded. It made sense. At least they’d take the case seriously and start looking for her before the required twenty-four hours had passed to file a missing person’s report. I was so grateful to have Kurt on my side.
“You must be exhausted,” I said, pulling away to look at him.
Lines were etched into his brow and his mouth turned downward. “I left a picture of Lily with the cops. So don’t get a fright when you turn on the TV. They may use it to get information, okay?”
“You have a picture of Lily?”
“On my phone. From Monday when we went sightseeing.” His eyes were misty.
“Oh, God, you must think I’m the worst sister, ever. Why the hell didn’t I just go out with her?” Guilt weighed heavily on me. I’d been chastising myself for the past few hours for being so stupid.
His voice was low and husky as he rubbed up and down my back. “Oh no, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sorry I went a little crazy. It’s just that I see things at the hospital.”
“Don’t say it. Please. I have to believe she is alive somewhere, maybe a little drunk or with a man, but breathing.” I clung to him, wiping my nose against his shirt. It felt infinitely better to have someone here with me, even though misery and gloom had gripped my insides.
Kurt’s phone buzzed. He released me and dug it out of his pocket, a deep frown marring his face. “It’s the hospital.” His voice was filled with dread, as if that was the very last place he wanted a call from.
He turned his back and walked toward the balcony, opening the sliding door and letting himself out. He closed the door quietly, watching me through the glass as I shivered, a feeling of doom spreading through my limbs at his solemn expression.
What did it mean? Did he have to leave me again and go back to work? I couldn’t handle being alone again.
I heard him cursing, then speaking quickly in German, his voice a few decibels too high. Alarm bells went off in my head. Did this have anything to do with Lily?
My insides twisted into a knot, physically hurting. With a thumping heart, I opened the sliding door and stepped into the chilly night air, eyes wide. I had to know.
“Rebecca.” The way he said my name made my heart sink like a ton of bricks falling from the sky. My palms were clammy even though I was freezing cold.
“What is it Kurt? God, tell me, I’m going crazy here.”
Kurt stared at me for a long beat before he cleared his throat. His voice was thick and low when he answered. I saw fear in his eyes, scaring me shitless.
“They brought a woman in five minutes ago who answers the description of Lily—” His voice broke. “It doesn’t sound good.”
My hand flew to my mouth. My knees went weak and buckled under me. Kurt grabbed my arm to stabilize me. “Is she...is she a-alive?” I whispered, my throat so tight I could hardly get the words out.
His breathing labored, as if he was trying his best to control himself. “She’s breathing, but barely. I have to go.” He pushed me gently toward the door and onto the couch. He grabbed the throw from the backrest and covered me with it.
“What are you doing? I’m coming with you.” I protested as he leaned down and planted a kiss on my forehead. Just as Lily had before she left.
“No. Stay,” he commanded, and then in a softer tone he said, “I will find out everything I can. Do everything
I can, but you need to stay here in case it’s not Lily. In case she walks through that door.” From the despair in his eyes, I knew he didn’t believe she would for a second. My body went ice cold, my teeth clattering as I stared at him.
“Please give me your phone. I’ll key in the police contact’s number. That way you’ll know who it is if they call.” I watched as he scrolled through my numbers, typed something into his phone, and then tapped something into my phone. He passed it back to me.
“Keep your phone close and keep warm, Rebecca. Make some tea. I will be back for you as soon as I know. I need you to stay strong. For Lily. Okay?”
His ice-blue eyes bored into me, as if he was making sure I understood the gravity of what he was asking me. I nodded, unable to speak.
God, this was a fucking nightmare. I wanted to wake up and find it was all just a very bad dream. I closed my eyes as he pulled the door closed behind him. I’d never felt so alone, so unsure, so frightened in my whole life.
Chapter 19 — Rebecca
“Mum, it’s me.” I paced the room, rubbing my forehead as I tried to find the right words to break the news to her.
“Rebecca, what’s wrong, honey? Is everything okay?” Her voice sounded as if she were close by, not a continent away. If only she were in the next room. If only she could hug me and tell me it was going to be all right. Instead, I had to tell her what happened; how it was all my fault her baby was missing.
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath before I spoke again, “No. It's not okay.” My voice broke and I had to fight hard to hold back the tears.
“What happened? Is Lily safe? Are you—” Her voice had gone from concerned to high-pitched.
My breath hitched. “I’m fine.” Not really. “It’s Lily. She...she went out by herself and... she hasn’t returned. I don’t know where she is. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t understand. Why was she out alone? Who...how?” The hysteria in her voice frightened me. This was more difficult than I imagined.
