* * * * *
Ellen couldn’t sleep, there was something…she couldn’t put her finger on it for the longest time. Then she realized the window to their room was ajar and the wind was blowing. It was a hot wind too, but the small crack in the window was making it whistle, she didn’t realize she had broken out into a sweat until she sat up and felt it pouring off her body. She couldn’t allow a noise like that to affect her so. She got up off her bunk and dropped to the floor. Swearing over stubbing her toe on her few things still packed under the bed, she limped to the window to shut it.
“What are you doing?” Blossom asked sleepily hearing the noise.
“Shutting the window,” Ellen whispered back. “Sorry I woke you,” she hastily added as she closed the window.
“It’s so hot,” the blonde complained throwing a leg outside her sheets, her tan very apparent against the white of the sheets.
“It’s these damned winds,” Ellen grumbled good-naturedly and turned to make her way back to her bunk, stubbing her toe once again. She swore under her breath.
“It’s the Santa Ana’s,” Blossom informed her and smiled at the swearing. She could hear it and knew quite well what caused it. The room was all out of sorts since they had taken away most of Ellen’s things.
“The what?” she asked as she climbed up the ladder.
“They are called Santa Ana’s. The winds. They come out of the Santa Ana Mountains and they are usually hot, strong, and go on for weeks,” the Southern California girl informed her.
Great! That was just GREAT! Ellen thought to herself. She had escaped the Oklahoma winds, the Tornado Alley as it were, only to find hot, strong, Southern California winds! She wondered if she would get ANY sleep as she shook in remembrance and sweated over the heat of the room and her memories.
They kept a fan blowing and the window closed, the air conditioning was on, but it wasn’t strong and they both suffered for it. They weren’t the only ones though. Many people suffered allergies from those strong winds. Ellen blamed the winds for her sleeplessness and told anyone who asked about her red-rimmed eyes that she had allergies. They understood, or thought they did.
* * * * *
“Whatcha doin’? she asked as she came unannounced into his dorm room, chomping on a piece of gum.
“Some highly-intense gaming,” he replied absentmindedly as he leaned back and forth over the controllers and watched the TV screen avidly.
“Ah, I see you have a new boy-friend,” she teased.
He looked up with a question in his eyes, missed his shot and swore. “What are you talking about?
She glanced at lotion in the bottle that was set on the table near his gaming set up.
Rolling his eyes he grinned at her humor, it had taken a while for her to start teasing him in return, but he found her humor to be welcome. “And what are you doing about finding one?” he asked and put down the controller, he’d lost anyway.
She shrugged, not wanting to talk about her own dismal dating life. Changing the subject she asked, “How do you ever get any of your school work done with all the gaming you do?” She glanced at the most intense set up of electronics she had seen outside of some of the college rooms.
“This is research,” he assured her with a gesture at the TV screen and the several consoles he had hooked up. “I need to know what is out there and how it works.”
“You realize there aren’t a lot of jobs out there as a professional game player?” she asked dryly.
“You realize if I make a computer program or game I could be famous and make bajillions?” he answered back smartly.
“Uh huh,” she sounded disbelieving.
“Seriously, I’ve told you before…” he began.
“I know, I know,” she held up her hands in surrender. “Computers are the way of the future,” she finished for him. It was a familiar refrain.
CHAPTER SIX
LEARNING LIFE
“Hey sis, what’s up?” Ryan plopped down on the couch next to her.
Sighing wearily she ignored him for a moment, but knew he wouldn’t leave until she answered. Sure enough when she looked up she saw he was looking at her with his best puppy dog look. She laughed involuntarily. Sighing again she answered, “Karl broke up with me, again.”
Ryan sighed loudly and dramatically. Leaning in, he cuddled up to her shoulder and rubbed his face, like a cat, against it. “You know, you seem to pick guys who treat you like shit,” he commented absently.
“I do not,” she denied immediately.
“Far be it from me to argue you with you, but seriously sis, you do,” he pointed out.
She thought about his words and started mentally cataloguing the men she had dated over the past couple years. From her psychology classes she knew she sub-consciously chose men who were like her father. As much as she hated that fact, she also knew it was true. She sighed again, but not aloud, mentally she was beating herself up.
“Why don’t you…” he began, but stopped himself from finishing the question.
“Why don’t I, what?” she challenged him, feeling irritable.
He debated about asking the question he had been thinking about for a long time. She was his best friend and he didn’t want to piss her off more than he just had. He sat up and looked her straight in the face and asked, “Why don’t you date women?”
She looked at him surprised. She had been certain her proclivities were well hidden, but apparently not. The anger in her eyes was immediate. She almost spat out a reply and then thought better of it. If Ryan knew, who else knew?
He could see the debate in her expressive eyes. It was a vulnerability he felt privileged to see. Not many people saw this side of her. She kept herself well hidden for the most part. It was why he didn’t understand the attractions to the shits she dated. There was not one she had dated that treated her well. He only knew because he had seen the bruises, both mentally and occasionally physically. He was the only one that she confided in. His eyes reflected compassion and he said gently, “I know girlfriend, I know.”
“How do you know?” she challenged him, not confirming or denying.
“I’ve known you for years darlin’,” he said using his favorite southern endearment. The accent she had from Oklahoma was long gone, by conscious application, but he couldn’t help but tease her from time to time. “I’ve seen you try to fit into the white-picket-fence world. Don’t you think it’s time to embrace your inner woman?”
She braced herself to hear whatever analogies he wanted to share with her.
“Look, it’s not for me to say, but I’m your friend. I’m your best friend,” he told her affectionately and would have ruffled her hair if he didn’t know it was guaranteed to piss her off. Unwelcome affection or touching was not advised. If she didn’t ask him in, she didn’t want him. “I know you,” he finished.
She wilted before him in acceptance. “Who else knows?” she asked resigned.
“No one darlin’, I know because I know you,” he repeated.
She looked at him, lifeless. “But how?” she asked.
He smiled at her unintentional confirmation. “You only talk about Ellie from back home. No other friends. Her death has affected you. I still think you should talk to someone about the deaths of your parents. Maybe you should talk about Ellie’s death too,” he told her kindly.
The pain was immediate in her all-encompassing eyes. They both knew she could tear up in a minute as she thought of Ellie and her untimely death. She swallowed deliberately to help control of her emotions.
“Look babe, you need to deal with it,” he gestured helplessly. “You need to deal with it all before it deals with you.” He’d noticed how she dealt with conflict, either by rising to it and becoming a bit nasty or by cringing away from it. It all depended on how loud they got. He’d seen her practically crawl away from a yelling match between two people in the hallway of the dorm. He’s seen her totally react to a dropped book as though it were a bomb going off
.
She nodded thoughtfully, knowing he had her best interests at heart. Swallowing again she changed the subject. “You have to wait,” she said cryptically.
“For you to go to therapy?” he asked confused.
She smiled as she laughed. “No, before you start your company,” she said shaking her head.
Used to her lightning swift changes in thought, he caught on immediately. “But why?” he asked confused.
“If you start your company before you are out of college, the college will own your work,” she said and reaching over to the table she slapped a book and then picked it up and tossed it to him.
Catching it he looked over at her incredulously. “You serious?”
She nodded. “I looked it up in the by-laws. I saw something on L.A. Law that made me think about it, and then, when I began to research it, I found out I was right. Look at the post-it notes.”
Opening the booklet up he searched for and found the yellow notes that tagged the pages she wanted him to read, post-it notes had come out a few years previously and students used them for everything on their books to mark passages and tag important pages. Rapidly he read the passages she had used a highlighter pen on. “Shit!” he exhaled. “Shit, shit, shit!” he said vehemently.
“So you see, you can’t do any more of your work on school computers,” she told him seriously.
He looked up and raised an eyebrow in question. “So what do I do now? I graduate in three months!”
“Me too!” she said sarcastically.
He laughed as she expected him to.
“Look,” she said as she took his hands in hers. “Let’s both go to graduate school, get our masters and then see what happens. Meanwhile we can both refine your plans,” she proposed.
He thought about it for a moment, mulling over the ideas she had given him. “You’ll run the office, I’ll create the product?”
“I’ll do more than that,” she told him seriously. “I’ll market the pants off of it and make us both millionaires.”
“Billionaires,” he corrected her quickly. He smiled toothily at her and pulled her in for an unwanted hug. “And you will get some therapy?” he asked not forgetting their earlier conversation and multi-tasking it.
She nodded her head in agreement.
CHAPTER SEVEN
ADULT TIME
The last few years had flown by. She’d had roommates come and go. Blossom and Greg eventually did marry…and divorce within a year when she caught him cheating on her. They remained the nicest people to Ellen when they saw her. She considered them friends. She had made many friends but few lasted if they got too close or if they asked too many questions. Ryan was the exception to that, he learned early on to be patient, and wait for her to tell him what he wanted to know. He hoped to lead by example, he was flamboyant, out there, and very social. She however got quieter and quieter as the years went by and she dated first men and then tried dating women.
The first woman she actually dated had been sweet, and kind, and given her the first real kiss that she had enjoyed with another human being since Ellie. The guys who kissed her treated her badly. They slapped her around both physically and verbally and not one of them had inspired the kind of feelings that Lila did when they kissed. She’d been so loving, so soft, and scared the hell out of Ellen when she wanted to go further. Actual sex had scared Ellen. She knew, deep down, she knew…it was a sin what she was contemplating. Actually having sex, out of wedlock was one thing. Actually having sex with a woman…that was really going to send her to hell, but then what would killing her father do?
“Come on Ellen! Don’t you want to know what it’s REALLY like?” sweet Lila pleaded with her. She was so horny that she thought she was going to pop. She had masturbated so much, her dorm roommate had complained about the smell of sex in the air of their small room.
“Of course I do!” she admitted sharply. But she was afraid. So very afraid. She had to admit, she was also curious. The insatiable curiosity of the young. It wasn’t that she was afraid of getting naked with Lila, she was attractive, pert, and Ellen enjoyed her company immensely. It was the letting go that seemed to be the problem. She enjoyed the kissing; she found she could do that for hours at a time. Heavy petting didn’t bother her. She experienced real fear though when Lila attempted to get underneath her clothes.
“Look, you like it when I touch you right?” Lila tried to reason with her.
“Yes,” Ellen admitted with a blush. Her freckles had faded as she got older and stayed indoors more. With the hot California sun though, it wasn’t easy. The blushes that she experienced weren’t so glaring anymore, making the freckles stand out like beacons.
“I want to feel your skin,” she beseeched her, as she petted her through her clothes to calm her. It was when she tried to slip her hand under them that Ellen would twist away and grab her hands to stop her.
“You do feel my skin,” she argued, knowing it was a weak argument. They held hands, they touched each other’s faces, but couldn’t go much further than that except outside their clothes. She sensed Lila’s frustration.
“I want to taste you, I want to feel your wetness,” Lila said breathily to her in her ear.
Ellen could feel excitement at those words, a tingle that started at her neck and went down her spine. She knew she was wet, she was very wet for this woman, but something stopped her. She felt afraid, confused, and vulnerable at the idea. She turned and kissed Lila, hard. She began to touch Lila. She began to remove Lila’s clothes. First removing her button down shirt, and then kissing her way across her bare chest. Lila, caught in the throes of passion, the excitement of it all, getting what she wanted, or thought she wanted, didn’t realize how Ellen began to manipulate her and took what she was giving so freely. Ellen gently reached into Lila’s bra and cupped her breast, the warmth of it, felt good in the palm of her hand.
“Mmmmm,” Lila moaned.
Ellen could hear the quickness of Lila’s breath, the catch in it as she touched her skin. It fascinated her to see these reactions and she wanted to experiment some more. She leaned down to tongue one of the erect nipples.
“Oh gawd,” Lila breathed, clutching Ellen’s head closer to her chest as she arched into the embrace.
Ellen’s hand began to squeeze and manipulate the other breast as she gently tongued the nipple, pulling it slightly into her mouth to feel it’s texture and hear Lila’s reactions. She moved from one to the other and when that wasn’t enough she reached around to release the bra holding them in and soon had her girlfriend naked from the waist up. She reached for jeans snap and unzipped her, her hand was soon inside reaching for Lila’s panties…
* * * * *
“I believe you have Aphenphosmphobia,” Lila told her.
“What?” she asked incredulously. She too had taken Psychology 101 and knew of the various phobias. “How can you say that after what we just shared?” She wasn’t sure she remembered exactly what that particular phobia was, but she wasn’t going to be insulted out of hand.
“Look, I’m not saying I didn’t have a good time. I’m just saying, you wouldn’t let me return the favor and I think you have a problem,” she reasoned.
“So you think, based on one experience with me that I have a fear of intimacy?” she asked, remembering some of the symptoms that someone with Aphenphosmphobia had.
Lila nodded. “I mean, it was great and all. But, maybe next time, you should let me do something to you?”
“Next time?” Ellen asked angrily. “Oh hell no. There will be no next time,” she said with finality and began to walk away.
“Ellen, don’t be like that. We can work through this,” Lila tried, but Ellen kept walking. She made her mind up, she wasn’t going to be abused liked that again, accused of something she wasn’t. She had made love to Lila, that she didn’t want more wasn’t her fault, maybe it was Lila’s. How dare she try to Psych 101 her? She was so angry, and hurt, and it was all Lila’s fault!
&nbs
p; * * * * *
“So do you think you have Aphenphosmphobia?” Ryan asked when she told him what had happened later.
“Watch it boyo,” she warned him as she sorted some of her laundry.
“Was it that bad?” he grinned at her to show he was teasing…and cared.
“No, it was great, it was wonderful, and then she had to ruin it by analyzing it. Like I’m some Psych project,” she finished huffily.
“So you liked it, but she didn’t?”
“No, she liked it. Hell, she loved it. I even got brave enough to go down on her!” she finished boastfully. “And then she had to ruin it by accusing me of having some disorder!” she was angry at what she had done for her only to have it turned on her.
“Oh yeah? She loved it? How much did she love it? Tell me details…” he asked with a leer.
“You’re sick, you know that?” she asked and threw a sock at him playfully, but he had accomplished his goal, she was laughing.
“Hey, I have to know what it’s like for you, after all my sex life isn’t that active,” he said semi-seriously.
“And whose fault is that? If you didn’t spend so much time in the computer lab, maybe you would meet someone other than nerds like yourself. And what is with these comic books?” she asked picking up a couple of them that were lying about and holding them up to show him. “Shouldn’t you have given them up when you were in say, junior high?”
“I’ll have you know, they are for research,” he tried to sound prissy.
“Uh huh? ‘The Incredible Hulk, Superman, and Spiderman’ are research?” she jeered.
“I’ll have you know that research proves that reading comic books stimulates the brain,” he told her authoritatively. “It further helps with all the bright colors.”
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