*If you take the trap outside and let the rat go, go to 4.
*If you take the big wooden rolling pin and put the rat out of its misery, go to 5.
4
As you set the rat free it turns around and bites you on the thumb, giving you a lethal dose of a deadly fast-acting form of rabies. You start frothing at the mouth. You run around in circles. You fall over. You die.
THE END
5
You bash the rat’s brains out. It’s a little messy. Well, actually it’s more than a little messy—to tell you the truth the rat’s skull explodes like a rotten egg—but as you wipe the blood and brains off your face you feel a warm fuzzy inner glow that comes from knowing that you did the right thing. But as good as it feels, you can’t sit around all day bashing rats’ brains out, it’s time to start baking the cake.
*If you can’t be bothered cooking a real cake and you reach for the packet cake mix, go to 6.
*If you can be bothered cooking a real cake and you reach for the cookbook, go to 7.
6
The packet cake mix is up on a really high shelf at the top of the food cupboard. You are on tiptoes reaching up for it ... but what you don’t realise is that this is where your parents have hidden your birthday present. You hardly ever go into the kitchen and you’ve certainly never cooked a cake before, so they thought your new bowling ball would be perfectly safe up there. You grab the packet and pull it down, but that’s not all you pull down. The bowling ball drops down as well. It hits you on the head. You die.
THE END
7
The cookbook is up on a really high shelf at the top of the food cupboard. You are on tiptoes reaching up for it ... but what you don’t realise is that this is where your parents have hidden your birthday present. You hardly ever go into the kitchen and you’ve certainly never cooked a cake before, so they thought your new bowling ball would be perfectly safe up there. You grab the cookbook and pull it down, but that’s not all you pull down. The bowling ball drops down as well. It lands on the floor. ‘That was lucky,’ you say. ‘That bowling ball could have dropped right on top of my head. I could have died.’ You carry the cookbook across to the table and open it up to the section on cakes.
*If you decide to cook a carrot cake, go to 8.
*If you decide to cook a chocolate cake, go to 9.
8
The recipe calls for two cups of grated carrot. But you can’cloth out but some of the chocolate cake ingredients are stuck in the tap and have set like cement. There’Mother’s Day. You’re sure nobody will notice if you unwrap it, use it, and then wrap it up again. So you unwrap it. There’s a warning on the box that says you should read the instructions before you use it, but you never read the instructions. You’re too smart. So you start feeding the carrots into it. It’s going pretty well but then you start wondering why the grated carrot is coming out all kind of red and then you wonder why your fingers are hurting so much and then you realise that it’s because you failed to put the safety guard on because you didn’t read the instructions and so you’ve just grated all the fingers on your right hand and you’re so shocked that you fall over in a faint and all the blood in your body gushes out through your fingers, all over the floor and you drown in it. You die.
THE END
9
You do everything that the recipe book tells you to do. You preheat the oven to 190°C. You grease and line the base and sides of a 30x20x2.5cm rectangular cake tin. You are then supposed to put all the ingredients into a food blender. But you don’t have a food blender. Then you have a brainwave. Your dad is giving your mum a new super-powerful food blender for Mother’s Day. You’re sure nobody will notice if you unwrap it, use it, and then wrap it up again. So, you unwrap it. There’s a sign on the box that says you should read the instructions before you use it, but you never read the instructions. You’re too smart. So you put two cups of self-raising flour, half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda, a quarter teaspoon of salt, half a cup of cocoa, one cup of sugar, 125 grams of butter, one cup of milk, one teaspoon of vanilla essence and 2 eggs into the blender and switch it on. Then you say ‘Oops!’ as you realise that you forgot to put the lid on the blender (which you would have known to do if you’d taken the time to read the instructions). You cover your head with your hands as the blender turns into something resembling an erupting volcano and blows two cups of self-raising flour, half a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda, a quarter teaspoon of salt, half a cup of cocoa, one cup of sugar, 125 grams of butter, one cup of milk, one teaspoon of vanilla essence and 2 eggs all over the kitchen. Only it seems like a lot more. You switch the blender off.
*If you run away, go to 10.
*If you try to clean up the mess, go to 11.
10
You run out of the house and down the street in a blind panic. Your mum is going to KILL you when she sees what you’ve done to the kitchen. You run and run and run, not looking—or caring—where you’re going. Eventually, many hours later, you stop, exhausted, panting, delirious and realise that you are completely lost. But luck is on your side. You are discovered by a gang of bank robbers. They take you in and look after you. All they ask in return is that you become the driver of their getaway car and although you know that bank robbing is against the law, you are so grateful to them that you agree. On your very first job, as you pull away from the kerb, tyres screeching, you remember that you can’t drive and your car goes skidding out of control head-on into a tanker carrying an enormous payload of C3H5NO3. Nitroglycerine! But luck is still on your side. Miraculously, the tanker doesn’t explode. You and your passengers get out of the car, unhurt. But the police are chasing you. You run—straight into the path of an old lady in a motorised wheelchair. Your luck runs out. You trip and fall down and she runs over your head. You die.
THE END
11
You scrape the ingredients off the roof, the walls, the benches and the floor—where your dog, Sooty, is busily licking up everything he can. He vomits. You shoo Sooty out of the kitchen. He gets back in and eats his vomit. Then he vomits it back up again. You shoo him out again. When you’re sure he has gone, you pour as much of the retrieved ingredients as possible into the lightly-greased cake tin, switch the oven on, set the timer for 60 minutes and place the cake in the oven.
*If the oven is not giving off any heat, go to 12.
*If the oven is giving off heat but you’re wondering why the cake is making a scratching and whining noise, go to 13.
12
You idiot! You put the gas on, but you forgot to light it. You get a match. You strike it, completely unaware that in the meantime, the whole kitchen has filled up with gas. KABOOM! The oven explodes. The kitchen explodes. You explode. You die.
THE END
13
You kneel down and look through the oven door window. It’s not the cake making a scratching and whining noise. It’s Sooty! He must have snuck in there when you weren’t looking. You open the oven door and stand back as he charges out of the oven and runs around the kitchen with his tail on fire.
*If Sooty is going crazy and his tail brushes against you, go to 14.
*If Sooty is going crazy and his tail brushes against the kitchen tablecloth, go to 15.
14
You say ‘uh-oh’ as your pants catch on fire. You rush to the sink to get some water to put yourself out but some of the chocolate cake ingredients are stuck in the tap and have set like cement. The water can’t get through. You burn. You die.
THE END
15
You say ‘uh-oh’ over and over again as you stare at the flaming tablecloth. You grab a tea towel and try to use it to smother the fire. But not like that, you idiot! Now look what you’ve done—you’ve set the tea towel on fire! You drop it onto the floor and the lino floor starts melting. You try to turn on the kitchen tap to get some water to put the tablecloth out but some of the chocolate cake ingredients are stuck in the tap and have set like cement. There’s no
water. You run to the bathroom but it’s locked. Your sister Jen’s in there having a shower. She’ll be in there a long time. But the toilet is free. You go in, put your head in the bowl and get a mouthful of toilet water. You run back to the kitchen and spit the water onto the burning tablecloth, tea towel and floor.
*If you succeed in putting the fire out, but accidentally swallow some of the water, go to 16.
*If you succeed in putting the fire out and DON’T accidentally swallow some of the water, go to 17.
16
You feel a little bit ill. No wonder. You just drank toilet water, you idiot! Dirty filthy stinking horrible disgusting toilet water which contains more than three billion deadly microbes per drop. The microbes enter your stomach. The microbes enter your bloodstream. You start to feel REALLY ill. You go green. You go blue. You go an extraordinarily beautiful shade of purple. You die.
THE END
17
You check the cake. You check the dog. Sooty’s tail is still on fire. You grab Sooty by the collar, pick him up and and run to the toilet. You try to plunge Sooty’s backside into the bowl, but he thinks you’re trying to give him a bath—and he hates having a bath, even more than he hates having his tail on fire. He stiffens his body and legs and won’t let you push him in. As you struggle to push him into the toilet you grab the top of the toilet for support. At last you succeed. There’s a great hiss and cloud of steam as Sooty’s flaming tail hits the water. But at the same time you accidentally lean on the button and the toilet flushes.
*If you manage to hold onto Sooty despite the power of the flush, go to 18.
*If Sooty gets flushed away go to 19.
18
You pull Sooty out of the toilet and turn around. AAAGGHHH! It’s your mother! And she’s caught you red-handed, having apparently just tried to flush the dog down the toilet. She loves Sooty and has often said that if she ever catches you—or anyone else—doing anything cruel to him that she will kill you. And, picking up the toilet brush in one hand and a can of air freshener in the other, she proves to be as good as her word. You die.
THE END
19
Oh no! You just flushed Sooty down the toilet. Your mother loves Sooty and has often said that if she ever catches you—or anyone else—doing anything cruel to him that she will kill you. And you know that she’s not joking. You have to get him back. You put one foot in the toilet. You put the other foot in the toilet. You press the flush button and next thing you know you’re whooshing at high speed down the S-bend and out along the pipes—it’s just like a water slide except that it’s much longer and much smellier—you go through the sewage farm and then you end up in the open sea. No sign of Sooty ... you’re weak and tired ... you’re going under but then you see a whale.
*If the whale ignores you, go to 20.
*If the whale swallows you, go to 21.
20
The whale ignores you ... but the shark behind it doesn’t. It bites you in half. You die.
THE END
21
You go down into the whale’s stomach. You find Sooty! You tickle the whale’s tonsils. The whale sneezes. You and Sooty are blown out of the top of the whale’s head ... so hard that you fly out over the ocean and over the land and, despite the odds against it, you go flying down the chimney of your house. Luckily, Sooty goes first and softens your fall. You’re both a bit dirty, but okay. You go into the kitchen. You check the cake. It’s on fire. You take it out of the oven and carry it to the toilet where you extinguish the flames by putting the cake in the toilet bowl (being very careful not to accidentally push the flush button). You take the soggy cake out of the toilet and carry it back to the kitchen. You scrape off the burnt bits. You use a hammer and chisel to remove the REALLY burnt bits. But it’s not finished yet.
You need to decorate the cake. To make a simple and effective cake decoration, you need a Barbie doll. You go to Jen’s bedroom to steal one from her collection.
*If Jen catches you stealing one of her Barbie dolls, go to 22.
*If you steal one of Jen’s Barbie dolls without getting caught, go to 23.
22
You enter Jen’s bedroom. You are almost overwhelmed by the stench of her perfume, but you manage to endure it for long enough to grab one of her Barbie dolls. But just as your hands close around Barbie’s throat, you hear a noise behind you and then hands close around YOUR throat. It’s Jen. She reminds you that there is a sign on her bedroom door clearly stating that anybody who comes into the room without her permission will suffer total and utter annihilation. You nod. You suffer total and utter annihilation. You die.
THE END
23
You enter Jen’s bedroom. You are almost overwhelmed by the stench of her perfume, but you manage to endure it for long enough to grab one of her Barbie dolls. You take the Barbie doll back to the kitchen, cut it in half and shove it into the top of the cake. Then you use some icing to write ‘TO MUM, WITH LOVE FROM YOUR BEST AND FAVOURITE CHILD, ANDY’.
You walk up the stairs and into your mother’s bedroom.
‘Happy Mother’s Day,’ you say. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you down in the kitchen.’
She looks worried. ‘I’ll be right down,’ she says.
You run back down to prepare the kitchen, but as you run back into the kitchen you are definitely NOT prepared for what you see. Sooty is standing up on a chair at the kitchen table and is wolfing down the last bit of the chocolate cake that you have spent the whole morning making. You are furious. You grab Sooty by what’s left of his tail, throw him into the backyard and lock the door. Not wasting a second, you run down to the shops and buy a cake from the supermarket. When you get back you steal another Barbie doll from Jen’s bedroom, cut it in half, shove it into the top of the cake, whip up a new batch of icing, write a new message on the top of the cake and put the cake on the table. It’s beautiful. Perfect. You stand and admire the cake in awe.
Congratulations! You have chosen well. You don’t know it, but you could have been electrocuted, bitten by a rat, had a bowling ball fall on top of your head, ground your fingers in the blender and been drowned in your own blood, been run over by an old lady in a motorised wheelchair, been killed in a gas oven explosion, burnt, poisoned by toilet water, killed by your mother, bitten in half by a shark or been totally and utterly annihilated by Jen. But you survived ... despite the odds, you triumphed!
Your mum comes in. She’s overwhelmed. She’s crying. ‘Oh Andy,’ she says, ‘that is the most beautiful cake anybody has ever made me.’
‘It’s nothing special,’ you say. ‘I just wanted to say "I love you".’
Your dad comes in. Jen comes in. They are impressed as well. Everybody sits down and eats a piece. Big success.
You look out the window. You see Sooty lying in the backyard, his legs sticking up in the air. Uh-oh. He ate the first cake. What a stroke of luck that you didn’t feed the family THAT cake. You hear a clunk behind you. Followed by two more clunks. You turn back to the table. Your mum, your dad and your sister are lying on their backs, their legs in the air. All dead. But how can that be? You BOUGHT that cake. It can’t have been poisoned. It didn’t have anything disgusting happen to it.
But then you remember the icing. The thing that both cakes had in common was the icing! You look at the ingredients on the bench. Uh-oh. Instead of icing sugar you accidentally used the cyanide that your father was using to kill the rats.
‘Oh well,’ you say, trying to look on the bright side, ‘at least I’m still alive.’
But then the door bursts open and the police come in. They arrest you, take you back to the station and charge you with murder by cake. And then you’re tried and found guilty, and although Australia no longer has a death penalty, they bring it back especially for you and you’re hanged by the neck until you’re dead. You die.
THE END
’m drinking lemonade and I feel a really beautiful burp building up. I lean across to Jen.
&nbs
p; ‘Jen,’ I say. ‘Want to hear a secret?’
I put my mouth right up to her ear and burp as loud as I can.
‘You’re disgusting!’ says Jen. ‘Mum, Andy just burped in my ear.’
‘I know,’ sighs Mum. ‘I heard it.’
‘Hey!’ I say. ‘You weren’t supposed to be listening. It was a secret.’
‘Well, aren’t you going to do anything?’ Jen says to Mum.
Mum sighs again. ‘Just ignore him,’ she says.
‘I CAN’T ignore him,’ says Jen. ‘He’s filling the caravan up with burp gas!’
‘I can’t help it,’ I say, burping again. ‘It’s the lemonade.’
‘Well stop drinking it, then,’ says Jen.
‘You’re not the boss of the caravan,’ I say. ‘You can’t tell me what to do.’
‘Yes, I can,’ says Jen.
Just Disgusting! Page 4
