We watch Dad from the little rectangular window in the side of the caravan. He walks to the playground in the middle of the caravan park and sits down on one of the swings.
The rain is really coming down hard.
And it’s starting to hail.
Within moments Dad and his newspaper are soaked. But he doesn’t seem to care. He just keeps sitting there, the paper getting wetter and wetter, falling apart in his hands as he turns the pages.
‘Is Dad all right, Mum?’ I say.
‘He’s fine,’ says Mum. ‘He just needs a holiday, that’s all.’
‘But we’re already on holiday,’ says Jen.
‘She means he needs a holiday from you, Jen,’ I say. ‘In fact, we all do.’
‘Shut up,’ says Jen.
‘You shut up,’ I say.
Chapter 1:
FUN WITH A PUP
This is Andy.
Andy is a little boy.
This is Danny.
Danny is a little boy, too.
This is Sooty.
Sooty is a little pup.
Sooty can run.
Sooty can chase his tail.
Sooty runs around in circles chasing his tail.
Around and around and around.
Andy laughs.
He spins around.
‘Look at me!’ he says. ‘I am a pup!’
Danny spins around.
‘Look at me!’ he says. ‘I am a pup too! Woof! Woof!’
The boys and the pup are all spinning around in circles.
They are spinning in circles in the middle of the living room.
They are laughing and spinning.
They are spinning so fast that they bump into each other.
Danny spins into a chair and falls over.
Crash!
Andy spins into the coffee table and falls on his bottom.
Right on top of the pup.
Yelp!
The pup does not like being sat on.
‘Oops,’ says Andy.
‘Oops,’ says Danny.
The boys laugh.
They are having fun.
Fun with a pup.
Chapter 2:
FUN WITH A PUP AND
A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER
This is Sooty.
This is Sooty’s foot.
Sooty’s foot is sore because Andy sat on it.
‘The pup’s foot is sick,’ says Andy. ‘But we will make it better. We will be doctors.’
Dr Danny and Dr Andy put the pup in a cardboard box.
‘This is the pup’s bed,’ Dr Andy says.
Dr Danny gets Dr Andy a roll of toilet paper. ‘ This will make a good bandage,’ he says.
‘This will make the pup’s foot better.’
Dr Danny wraps the pup’s foot in toilet paper.
But the pup does not like having its foot wrapped in toilet paper.
The pup jumps out of the box and runs out of the room, leaving a trail of toilet paper behind it.
‘Stop that pup!’ says Dr Andy.
Dr Danny runs after the pup.
Dr Andy runs after the pup.
The boys chase the pup all over the house.
Up the stairs.
Down the stairs.
Along the hall.
In and out of the bedrooms.
There is toilet paper everywhere.
The boys see the toilet paper and laugh.
They have not caught the pup.
But they are having fun.
Fun with a pup and a roll of toilet paper.
Chapter 3:
FUN WITH A ROLL
OF TOILET PAPER
AND A FAN
Andy and Danny are playing with toilet paper.
Andy is running around the room waving toilet paper in the air.
‘Look at me!’ he says. ‘I am an Olympic gymnast! I am going for gold!’
Danny laughs.
Danny wraps the toilet paper all around his body. He is walking with his arms straight out in front of him.
‘Grrrrrrr!’ he says. ‘I am a mummy! I am coming to eat your head!’
Andy squeals.
Danny laughs.
Andy does not like that game.
Andy tears the toilet paper into little pieces and throws them up into the air.
‘Look!’ says Andy. ‘It is snowing!
Danny laughs.
He rips up toilet paper, too.
The boys rip up all the toilet paper.
‘I’ve got a good idea,’ says Andy. ‘I will get a fan. We can make a BLIZZARD!’
The boys use the fan to blow the snow all around the house.
‘This is a very bad blizzard,’ says Andy. ‘I’m freezing! Brrrrrrr!’
The boys both laugh.
They are having fun.
Fun with a roll of toilet paper and a fan.
Chapter 4:
FUN WITH A
BOTTLE OF MILK
The boys have had fun with a pup.
They have had fun with a roll of toilet paper.
They have had fun with a fan.
But all this fun has made the boys hungry.
‘I am hungry,’ says Andy.
‘Me too,’ says Danny.
‘Let’s go to the kitchen and have some milk,’ says Andy.
The boys go to the kitchen.
Andy takes a bottle of milk out of the fridge.
Danny takes two cups out of the cupboard and puts them on the bench.
Andy pours the milk into the cups.
‘That’s not fair,’ says Danny. ‘You got more than me.’
‘No, I didn’t,’ says Andy. ‘You already drank some.’
‘No, I never,’ says Danny.
‘Yes, you did!’ says Andy. ‘Look at your lip. You have got a milk moustache!’
Andy laughs.
Danny gets cross. ‘Shut up,’ he says.
‘No, YOU shut up,’ says Andy.
Danny throws his milk at Andy.
The milk goes all over Andy’s face.
Danny laughs.
Andy gets cross. He throws his milk at Danny.
The milk goes all over Danny’s face.
Andy laughs.
Danny picks up the bottle and tips the rest of the milk all over Andy’s head.
The pup runs in and starts licking up the milk.
He looks up at the boys. The pup has a milk moustache.
The boys laugh.
They are having fun.
Fun with a bottle of milk.
Chapter 5:
FUN WITH
ANDY’S PARENTS
The boys are in the kitchen.
They are having fun with a bottle of milk.
They hear the front door open.
‘That’s Mummy and Daddy,’ says Andy. ‘They have come home. Quick, let’s hide.’
‘But where?’ says Danny.
‘Follow me!’ says Andy. ‘I have a secret hiding place. They will never find us there.’
The boys run to Andy’s room and hide under his bed.
Andy’s mummy and daddy come into the house.
They look in the living room.
‘Oh dear!’ says Mummy.
They look in the kitchen.
‘Oh dear!’ says Daddy.
They look all around the house.
‘It looks like the boys have been having fun again,’ says Mummy.
‘They won’t be having much fun when I find them!’ says Daddy.
The boys tremble with excitement under,’ the bed.
Danny giggles. ‘I love hide and seek,’ he says.
Andy giggles. ‘Me too,’ he says.
‘Shush!’ says Danny.
The footsteps are coming closer.
And closer.
And closer.
Andy and Danny clutch each other tight.
They do not dare to breathe.
The boys are having fun.
Fun with Andy’s parents.
&nb
sp; Chapter 6:
FUN WITH A
VACUUM CLEANER
The boys have finished having fun with Andy’s parents.
They are having NO FUN with a vacuum cleaner.
They have to suck up every last little bit of toilet paper off the carpet.
And when they have finished that they have to mop up the kitchen floor.
And when they have finished that they have to straighten up the living room.
OR ELSE.
‘Look at me!’ says Andy, pointing the vacuum cleaner nozzle at Danny.
‘I am an alien. And this is my sucker upperer. And I am going to suck you up!’
Danny squeals.
Andy laughs.
Danny grabs the nozzle and jabs it into Andy’s stomach.
Andy squeals.
‘Help! Help! He’s sucking me up with his sucker-upperer! Help me somebody please!’
Danny laughs.
Andy grabs the nozzle and points it at Danny’s hair.
Danny squeals.
Andy laughs.
‘Look at your hair, Danny,’ he says.
‘It’s sticking up in the air!’
Danny looks in the mirror and laughs.
The boys are having fun after all.
Fun with a vacuum cleaner.
A N D Y G ’ S
D E A D F L Y T H E A T R E
P R E S E N T S . . .
A PLAY FOR DEAD FLIES THREE ACTS
Please note: this play has been designed to be performed by the dead flies on my windowsill, but you don’t need my dead flies ... just look on any windowsill and you’ll find plenty of your own. Collect them in a jar and pretty soon you’ll have your own dead fly acting ensemble to delight and amuse your friends and family.
CAST:
Deadflyella
Deadflystepsister #1
Deadflystepsister #2
Deadflystepmother
Deadflygodmother
Deadflyprince
Deadflyprince’s servant
ACT I SCENE ONE
On a dusty windowsill, somewhere in any house.
DEADFLYELLA: [using her proboscis as a vacuum cleaner] Alas, poor me. Here I am working myself to the exoskeleton while my horrible stepsisters sit around on their fat little abdomens laughing and enjoying themselves.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Ha ha!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Hee hee!
DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER: [vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYELLA: Oh gross, deadfly puke!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Well don’t just stare at it, Deadflyella. Eat it up!
DEADFLYELLA: [sucking it up with her proboscis] Alas, poor me.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Oh well, we can’t sit around here all day watching Deadflyella making a pig of herself. We have to get ready for the Deadflyprince’s ball.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Yes, we have to make ourselves really beautiful. Deadflyella, come here and shine my wings.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Brush my bristles!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Polish my large compound eyes!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Powder my proboscis!
DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER: [vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYELLA: Oh gross, deadfly puke!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTERS: Well don’t just stare at it, Deadflyella. Eat it up!
DEADFLYELLA: But I can’t. I have to get ready for the Deadflyprince’s ball too.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: You? That’s a laugh!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: I’ll say. As if!
DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER:[vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
ALL: Oh gross!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Now look what you’ve done, Deadflyella. You’ve made Deadflystepmother laugh so hard she’s been sick.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: You’d better start sucking, Deadflyella! It will take you all night to get rid of that lot.
DEADFLYELLA: [sucking it up with her proboscis] Alas, poor me.
ACT I SCENE TWO
Later that night, on the same windowsill.
DEADFLYELLA: [still sucking up Deadflystepmother’s puke] Oh, boo hoo. I wish I could go to the ball, but I’ll never get this lot sucked up in time. And even if I could, I couldn’t possibly go in this state. I’ve got deadfly puke all over me.
[There is a sudden puff of windowsill dust and Deadflygodmother appears.]
DEADFLYGODMOTHER: Fear not, Deadflyella. You will go to that ball!
DEADFLYELLA: What? Who are you?
DEADFLYGODMOTHER: I am your deadflygodmother and I am here to grant your wish.
DEADFLYELLA: To be a ballerina?
DEADFLYGODMOTHER: Don’t be ridiculous, child. Not that wish. Your other one. To go to the Deadflyprince’s ball. Hurry, there isn’t much time!
DEADFLYELLA: I can’t. Look at all the deadfly puke I haven’t sucked up yet. And look at me ... I’m covered in it!
DEADFLYGODMOTHER: No problem ... with my magic proboscis I’ll have you ready in no time!
[She touches Deadflyella with her proboscis.]
DEADFLYELLA: [overcome]xoskeleton while my horrible deadflystepsisters sit around discuss eyeballs, powdered proboscis, V6 sports 172kW 24 valve quad-cam thorax and six little slippers made out of fresh dog pooh! I’m so beautiful and desirable, I just can’t believe it.
DEADFLYGODMOTHER: Yes, but it will only last until midnight. After that, you’ll be just like you were before: a sad dirty little deadfly covered in puke. Now don’t forget. You must leave the ball before midnight.
DEADFLYELLA: [taking off] I will remember ... thank you!
ACT II SCENE ONE
The same windowsill, a bit further up.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: What a perfectly divine ball. I’ve never seen so many deadflies on the windowsill.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Me neither. Would you care for some ratspew dip? It’s delicious!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Why thank you. [She giggles and points.] Look who’s coming! It’s the prince! He’s probably going to ask me to dance.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: No, he’s probably going to ask ME to dance.
DEADFLYPRINCE: Greetings, deadflysisters. I wonder if I might ask of you a favour?
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: [jumping forward] Yes, I’d be happy to dance with you, your deadflyness!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: [jumping in front of Deadflystepsister #1] ME FIRST!
DEADFLYPRINCE: No, you misunderstand me. I have no wish to dance with either of you. I come simply to request that you move your fat deadflybutts so the rest of us might get to the ratspew dip.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: [disappointed] Yes, your deadflyness.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: I suppose a dance is out of the question?
DEADFLYPRINCE: Yes.
[Suddenly there is a commotion as Deadflyella enters the ball.]
DEADFLYPRINCE: I say ... who is that deadfly? Methinks she is the most beautiful deadfly I have ever seen. I simply MUST dance with her! [He approaches Deadflyella.] Excuse me ... may I have the next dance?
DEADFLYELLA: [enjoying the envious glares of the deadflystepsisters as she takes one of Deadflyprince’s legs] It would be an honour, your deadflyness.
DEADFLYPRINCE: Methinks you dance divinely.
DEADFLYELLA: Methinks so too.
DEADFLYPRINCE: What beautiful compound eyes you have.
DEADFLYELLA: All the better to see all eight thousand of you with.
DEADFLYPRINCE: What a beautiful proboscis you have.
DEADFLYELLA: All the better to suck and spray deadfly puke with.
DEADFLYPRINCE: What beautiful dog-pooh slippers you have. They look so moist. They smell so fresh.
DEADFLYELLA: All the better to dance with you with.
DEADFLYPRINCE: Methinks that last sentence was a little confusing.
DEADFLYELLA: Please excuse me, but I’m a little nervous. I’ve never danced with a prince before.
[In the background a clock chimes midnight.]
DEADFLYELLA: What’s that noise?
DEA
DFLYPRINCE: Just the clock striking midnight.
DEADFLYELLA: [tearing herself out of Deadflyprince’s six-legged embrace] I have to fly.
DEADFLYPRINCE: No, come back!
DEADFLYELLA: Sorry, I can’t! I have an urgent dentist’s appointment.
DEADFLYPRINCE: But you don’t have any teeth. [As Deadflyella flies off, one of her dog-pooh slippers slips off her leg and falls on Deadflyprince’s head. He takes it off his head and holds it up.] Come back. You forgot this!
[Deadflyprince’s servant approaches.]
DEADFLYPRINCE’S SERVANT: It’s no use, your deadflyness. She’s gone.
DEADFLYPRINCE: Alas, poor me. She is the first deadfly that I have ever truly loved.
Methinks tomorrow we will search every windowsill in the house for the deadfly whose foot fits this slipper, and when we have found her I shall make her my deadfly bride.
ACT III SCENE ONE
Back on the original windowsill, somewhere in the house.
DEADFLYELLA:H!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! ing last night’s ball.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Who WAS that blow-in with the dog-pooh slippers anyway?
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: I have no idea, but she sure had a nerve. The prince was just about to ask me to dance when she came in. If I ever see her again I’m going to give her a face full of germs!
DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER: [vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYELLA: Oh gross, deadfly puke!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Well, don’t just stare at it, Deadflyella. Eat it up!
Just Disgusting! Page 6
