Without realizing I'm doing it, I slide my phone from my pocket and look at my texts for any messages from Zayden. Once it dawns on me that I'm doing it, I delete his number from my phone and put the damn thing away.
Hopefully he'll be gone when I get home tomorrow morning.
Hopefully he'll still be there when I get home tomorrow morning.
I sigh as the dueling thoughts fill my brain, turning onto my back and putting my forearms against my forehead as I listen to the almost disturbing silence of the neighborhood. When I close my eyes, the scene from the club replays over and over again on the screen of my eyelids.
As soon as I saw Zay in the darkness beyond the stage, I … I don't know what I felt, but it was powerful. And emotional. And so intense I could barely breathe.
“Crap.” I put my hands over my face and try to think about all this in a logical way. It's best that Zayden goes home, really. I have a degree and two little girls and an ailing father to worry about. I don't need a man in my life. No way, no how.
But I want one. No, no, I want this one.
I take several deep breaths and let the pain of the evening wash over me. It's stifling, ten times as intense as the emotions I felt when I caught Anthony cheating on me. And I was with him for three years. Three years of hanging out and laughing and going to parties and restaurants, snuggling on the couch.
Two weeks with Zayden and it feels like his heart should beat in tune with mine. The sex part aside, I love hanging out with him. And I love the way he is with my nieces, with his own. He's the kind of guy that actually makes me want to have kids sooner, just so I can see him snuggle and kiss and play with them.
But if he doesn't want me, what can I do? I gave him a chance tonight and all he did was cost me my job. Now I'm back at square one.
Alone. Jobless. Screwed.
And in love.
I blink awake to bright sunshine, looking confusedly around at my parents' white and beige living room before I realize where I am.
Oh.
Strip club. Fight with Zayden. Last day. Last day and he's gone …
My breath sucks in sharply and I surge to my feet, tearing my phone from my back pocket and checking for messages. There're about a hundred from him, asking me where I am, if I'm safe, threatening to call the cops.
I almost smile, but then the expression fades.
I slept through my class. Shit. Now I have just enough time to get back to my place before Zayden leaves to pick up the kids. After that, he'll drop them off with me and then … drive away in his Geo and never come back.
Tears prickle the edges of my eyes, but I dash them away, heading outside and locking the door behind me as quick as I can. I feel so desperate to see him suddenly that it's like I'm choking on the emotion. I'm sure it won't change anything, but I just want to see his face, maybe give him one last kiss, feel his hands on my body for a brief second.
“Crap, crap, crap,” I mumble as I sprint to the car and climb in, peeling out of there at a speed that'd probably give most of the old people living here heart attacks. In all reality, I should probably stay away from Zayden until he brings the girls home from school. He's due at the airport right after that, so he won't have any time to mess with my head, play around with my emotions, smile that goofy sexy smile at me.
I speed all the way home; it's a miracle I don't get a ticket.
When I get there, Zay's just finishing putting Sadie in her car seat, running his fingers through his hair. It's not styled at all today, the long side hanging messily over his forehead. He's wearing those knee-high Converse with the buckles, and a black shirt that says Body Piercer, Baby on it.
As soon as he sees me pull into the driveway, this rush of relief crowds his features and then he's just at my door, yanking it open wide and pulling me out and into his arms.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Brooke,” Zay groans as he squeezes me hard enough to choke the life out of me. I don't want to admit how good it feels, how much I hate the things he said last night but still feel like forgiving him. “Where the hell were you?” he asks as he pushes me a step back and takes hold of my upper arms. “I called the police and everything. Fuckers said they couldn't do shit until you'd been missing some arbitrary fucking amount of fucking time.”
“You're saying fuck a lot,” I whisper, but the way his sea glass green eyes trace over my body makes me shiver. “I stayed at my parents' place last night. I just … didn't want to be here with you.” He lets go of me with a sigh and checks the time on his phone. He really needs to go or he'll be late to pick up Grace.
“Want to come with me? We can talk on the drive.”
I shake my head and take a step away from him.
“Are you still planning on leaving today?” I ask as I look up at Zayden. He purses his lips so tight that the silver pointed studs he's wearing today poke out at me like swords. “I'll take that as a yes.”
I try to move past him, but he reaches out again and gently grabs my elbow.
“I've been thinking about this all night … and it … I'll ruin your life, Brooke. I know I will. You have so much fucking potential. There's so much more for you out there than me.”
“Whatever.” I jerk my arm away from him and storm towards the front door. Part of me believes what he's saying, knows that this is the logical, smart choice to make. But it also sucks. And I hate it. And I want somebody that will choose me for me, that wants to be with me because I make them smile. If I'm not enough for Zayden to take a chance on, then that's okay. I can do this.
I feel tears dripping down my cheeks and move quicker when Zay's boots chase after me. I end up getting inside and slamming the front door before he can reach me, flicking the lock and turning to put my back against it.
“Come on, Brooke,” he says as he tries the knob and then peers in the window at me. “Don't do this. Come with me. We should talk.”
“Don't make Grace wait in the office with the principal; she hates that,” I say and manage to keep the quiver out of my voice. When I look around the room, I see Dodger sitting on the couch, but all of the chihuahuas missing. Zayden's duffel bag is gone and so is Sadie's crib.
I bite my lower lip and close my eyes, leaning my head back against the door.
“Can we talk when I get back?” he asks, putting his hands against the glass and leaning his cheek against it.
I stand up suddenly and yank the door open, turning to face Zayden with my arms over my chest. My hair gets in my way and I shove it hard over my shoulder, blinking my salt soaked and sticky contact lenses at Zayden.
“Aw, Smarty-Pants,” he says, and the soft sound of his voice and the adorable way he wears suspenders stuck to his tight jeans makes me crazy. I want to kiss him and punch him both at the same time. “Don't get all weepy again, or I won't be able to—”
“To leave?” I ask as he takes a few steps closer to me and then pauses as Sadie starts to cry from inside the open van. I gesture my hand at the car. “You can't just leave the baby in there,” I say as he studies me with a careful expression and then rakes his fingers through his messy hair. “It's okay that you want to go back to Las Vegas,” I lie, “I would, too, but you've got to just go. Leave me alone, alright. I'll be fine. I always take care of myself, and I always excel. What should make this any different?”
“You know, I'm just a phone call away if you need to talk. You have my number and—”
“I deleted it. Best to make a clean cut,” I tell him as I dash the tears away and then cross my arms over my chest. I guess I'm being melodramatic here, but what else is there to do? I want him to want to stay so fucking badly, but I can't and won't beg for scraps.
“Brooke, I really … I do like you. A lot. I mean, I'm crushing hard here, Smarty-Pants. This isn't easy for me either.”
“You can't or won't try anything with me, but you date girls that you hate. I understand. Zayden, you need to go. If you're not staying, then fucking go.”
I turn and head into the hous
e, expecting him to follow.
When I hear the sound of the minivan starting, I feel the tears start to flow again.
Here I am, alone again. In my sister's house with my sister's kids.
Guess I better get used to it.
Brooke's tears devastate me.
Like, break me into pieces and turn me raw all the way down to the core. What are you doing, man? I ask myself as I head to the airport with four screaming kids and a cluster of barking chihuahuas. I should probably intervene and try to do something about Kinzie and the twins, but I'm all up in my own head and I can't think straight.
When I dropped Grace and Bella off, Brooke wouldn't even come out of her room. As much as my heart wants me to stick around and badger her to come out, I have to leave now or I won't make it to the airport. No, no, hell if I didn't leave when I did, I'd probably never go. I'd move up here and let my condo go into foreclosure and I'd stick around and be Brooke's nanny forever.
“Jesus cocksucking ball fucker,” I mumble, thinking the Daya song that's playing in the background will cover up my colorful expletives.
“Curse jar!” Kinzie screams, just full on belts out like a banshee. I reach up and turn the volume off on the stereo.
“Okay, that's it. I've had enough,” I growl the word out loud enough that Kinzie stops screeching, the twins stop arguing, and even the chihuahuas go quiet. “Your mom and dad are gonna be tired after their trip, got it? I don't want to hear any nonsense or any fighting or crying or yelling. If you want to say something, think of something nice.”
“You stole that from Bambi,” Kinzie accuses, and I toss her a caustic glare in the rearview. A few seconds later, “I don't really think you're going to the H-place.” I almost smile at that one. “And I don't hate you as much now.”
“Good. Because I don't hate you either. Might even love you a little bit, kid. You cool with that?”
She nods at me and I turn the song back on, trying to drown thoughts of Brooke out by interacting with the kids. Even Sadie calms down and stops crying when I start singing about looking pretty with the pop star on my iPod.
The Arcata-Eureka airport is this dinky ass building in the middle of nowhere with one gate and a tiny café that serves as a restaurant. It has like, one flight a day in a shaky old puddle jumper that goes to San Francisco and comes back. That's basically it.
When we get there, it's easy as fuck to find parking because, well, there are like a hundred spaces and pretty much nobody in them. Calling this place an airport would be like calling a garage sale a mall.
Anyway, I'm grateful for it as I roll the van windows down a crack for the dogs and make the older kids put their hands on the stroller.
“On your best behavior or the time wizard will come and get you.”
“What's a time wizard?” Kinzie asks scrunching up her face as we make our way to the front of the building.
“It's a monster made of toothpicks who eats kids that waste time. Now, put on some pretty smiles for your parents, okay? And try not to tell them about the torture chamber.”
There's a laugh as Mercedes comes around the corner and then squeals, throwing her arms out and getting pummeled with a herd of children. Rob does his gruff, disinterested lumberjack stance in the background, but I see tears pooling in his gaze and roll my eyes.
“I can't believe they're still alive,” he tries to joke, but it comes out all stuffy and garbled as he picks Sadie up from the stroller and hugs her to his chest like he's been gone for years instead of weeks. As I watch my brother pull his wife and kids in for a hug, I get this … weird feeling in my chest, this horrible pounding grind that takes my breath away.
I watch almost jealously as Mercedes and Rob snuggle their baby together.
Fuck, I want that. I want it so goddamn bad in that moment that it feels like I'm gonna puke.
My hands clench into fists, and I find it suddenly hard to breathe when I think of Brooke. No, no, no. She's twenty-two and she's going places and she has way too much shit in her life for me. Maybe this is just a sign that I'm ready to start a family? I should go home and start taking dating more seriously, look for a woman who's closer to my own age, have a baby or something.
“Jesus fuck,” I murmur as I run my hand over my face and try not to freak out.
“Aunt Brooke got me this,” Kinzie states proudly as she shows off a Monster High shirt that Brooke bought for her. She bought a matching one for Bella, too, to try and cut off their weird rivalry bullshit. It worked for about a day, but hey, better than nothing.
“Aunt … Brooke?” Mercedes asks, looking up at me with a raised eyebrow. “Zayden …”
Rob gives me this kind of creepy death glare, like he's convinced I had his kids hanging out with some hooker I picked up on Second Street.
“Brooke and Zayden lick each other's private parts in the shower,” Kinzie tells them confidently, and I feel the blood drain out of my face.
“You son of a bitch,” Rob snarls as Kinzie starts calling out curse jar, curse jar.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I say as I back up and put my palms out. “It wasn't us that she saw; it was you and Mercedes. She's just putting stories together. She thinks that's what couples do now, I guess.”
Mercedes and Rob exchange a look before my brother turns back to glare at me, clutching Sadie to his side with a giant, muscular arm the size of a tree trunk.
“You have got a ton of explaining to do,” he whispers as he walks by me and I roll my eyes. That fucker's thought he was my dad since he turned twelve. If he thinks I'm going to stick around and listen to his lectures, he's got another thing coming.
I feel stifled suddenly, desperate to get the hell out of here, like if I don't leave Eureka now, I'll never escape. I waited my whole life to leave this place and I finally did, finally found someplace where I could be happy.
If I stay for Brooke, we'll have a few blissful weeks and then everything will just fall to shit like it always does. I know that, know it and yet I'm finding it almost impossible to leave.
I push the empty stroller behind Mercedes as she lets the kids babble to her about all the things we've done while they were gone. You know, like how I filled the curse jar to the brim, punched a guy out at the mall, and had us permanently living with my new girlfriend.
Oh, and also how there's a banshee that lives at Brooke's house, one who sounds like a screaming woman in the middle of the night.
That's always fun.
Rob makes me drive the van to the house so he can sit in the backseat with his kids.
Mercedes sits in the front though and keeps looking at me with a raised eyebrow as we drive back to the duplex.
“This girl,” she starts and I stick out my tongue at her.
“Nope. Nuh uh. Don't want to go there,” I tell her as some god-awful kids' music plays in the background, keeping our conversation relatively private from my brother.
“Zayden,” she begins, using this big sister voice on me that always makes me laugh since we're pretty much the exact same age. Maybe she picked it up from being a mother? “I know you, and I have never seen you like this before.”
“You hardly ever see me,” I joke as we head down the highway, past the ocean and the waving sea grasses. “Mostly we just talk on the mic during raids. Hey, did you know that expansion pack came out last week?”
“Don't do that,” she tells me, shaking her head and reaching her hands up to brush back her wild curls. “Don't pretend that you're fine, try to cover up a wound with a bandage. It doesn't ever work, baby.”
“When you call me that, it makes me feel like I'm ten. Can we please not? This conversation is pointless.”
“Do you need somewhere to stay for a few days while you work things out? Is your girlfriend mad at you?”
“Brooke's not my girlfriend,” I say, but it feels like she is. That same weird male possessive bullshit that I felt the other day comes raining over me like a tidal wave about to strike. “Basically, I'm dropping y
ou guys off and Hubert and I,” I reach down to pat the cat's kennel between the two front seats, “are going back to the desert. I don't know if you know it, but I like, haven't worked in two weeks and I'm pretty much down to zero in the money department.”
“I know,” she says, turning towards me and reaching out a hand for my knee. Mercedes gives it a little squeeze. “And I'm so thankful, Zay. Really, I am.” Her eyes get all teary and I can't help but roll mine. Damn it. Such a sucker for pretty girls in distress. Like Brooke. I purse my lips and keep my eyes on the road. “It's nice to know there's somebody out there we can count on, you know?”
“Yup. Any time. Although hopefully not anytime soon because I'm dead broke.”
Mercedes laughs and then turns to look at Kinzie as the kid starts in on a tale of “dogging” between Dodger and the chihuahuas. Yet another highlight of the past two weeks.
But I find myself smiling anyway because even though I thought this whole thing was going to be miserable and even though at times, it was kind of miserable, it was also kind of awesome, too, in it's own way.
Or maybe that was just Brooke?
Mercedes and Kinzie cry when I get in my shitty old Geo to leave, while Rob glares at me. Again, I don't take it personally because I can see tears shimmering in his eyes as I pull out of the driveway and Hubert starts to yowl. Believe it or not, this is actually our second time trying to get the fuck out of here but the first time, the damn cat took a dump before I got halfway down the block. I had to turn around and clean his kennel out, bathe him, and put on a fresh sweater that says Total Feminist on the back of it.
I crank up my pop music as I hit the highway going south, my heart thundering a million miles an hour in my chest as I start to put distance between Brooke and me, between her awesome girls and me, between a possibility of something I've never even glimpsed in my entire life and me.
Bad Nanny (The Bad Nanny Trilogy #1) Page 30
