by McAdams, Amy
“Is that right?” I said. “Good for you, you’ll go to heaven now.”
“If you don’t trust me, Elaine will tell you how hard I tried to make this change. She helped throughout the entire journey from damnation to salvation.”
“Elaine? Elaine who?” I asked my mother, looking confused at both of them because I had no idea who he’s talking about.
“Well you see,” he said to me, “Elaine is my wife. She was the one who saw my potential and saw there was good in me.”
“Your wife, huh?”
“Yes Clara.”
“And how long have you been married?” This conversation was rapidly changing from death and booze to wives and the church, and frankly it’s too dramatic for me.
“Well, twelve years by now, with the help of the Lord Jesus…”
“Oh, hell no. So you quit drinking and decided it’s time to get yourself some new chick with no child and no responsibility? And you have the guts to come here and ask for my forgiveness.”
I got up from my chair and grabbed my head with both hands in desperation and indignation.
“Clara please…”
“You should go back to your beloved wife and tell her all these things because you left us to struggle and cry. Please get out of my face—I really don’t have the time for this shit right now! I came here to have a nice dinner with my mother and what did I get? This mess with some guy pretending to be my father. Just leave before I call the police!” Then I returned to the kitchen to have a glass of water and tried cooling myself down before I exploded.
“Clara,” called my mother, shocked by the words that came out of my mouth.
This wasn’t the way she raised me, but I just couldn’t keep all that anger locked up!
I couldn’t believe how wrong the night turned out after how happy I was when I left my apartment.
This was a nightmare!
Thomas came through the kitchen door and explained that he and his wife just moved in our neighborhood because he wanted to be a part of my life again.
“Great. I hope your house falls on your head on the next earthquake and kills both of you,” I replied.
Then I nervously and hurriedly left the house.
“You can keep him if you are so fond of him, Mom!”
Chapter Four
My heart was pounding harder than I had ever experienced.
All I could think of was that I needed some booze to calm my nerves.
I hurriedly drove back home with one thought: I couldn’t stand that place anymore knowing that he was there, in my mother’s house – a house that she paid for with so much pain and sweat.
It’s unacceptable!
I went straight to a liquor store and bought the largest bottle of wine I could find.
As I called my best friend Madeleine, all sorts of thoughts about how my father—like how he could hurt my mother again—kept popping in my mind. I swore to myself that I would kill him if he even thought of doing something nasty to her again.
“Hi there, what’s up?” said Madeleine on the phone, but my thoughts were back to my mother’s house. “Hey, Clara, are you there? That’s funny; you call then don’t say anything. This better not be a prank because you are in big trouble, miss!” she said while I came back to my senses.
“Ah… hey, Madeleine. Sorry, I was distracted. Are you home? I brought you something that I’m sure you’ll enjoy.”
“Yes, I’m home, and I was just about to call you because I was bored and really had nothing interesting to do,” she said as I arrived in front of her door.
I wanted to give her a bit of a surprise.
“Well you better open your door because I’m in front of it, and I’m carrying a huge package—I can barely hold it!” I said, hoping she wouldn’t get mad that I took her by surprise.
She’s the ordered type who hates spontaneous things like being caught in her trashy moments.
“Right now?”
“Yes girl.”
“Well, if you’re carrying wine you should come inside then! The door is open, so help yourself.”
Upon hearing this I entered, trying not to let the huge bottle of wine fall and break into millions of pieces.
After all, that was my salvation for tonight.
I had to drown in booze to forget the things that just happened…at least for one night.
“Hi girl, what’s up with you at this hour, and with that huge bottle? Are you trying to get me wasted? You know I have to go to work first thing in the morning,” she said, smiling, but I knew she would never refuse a bottle of wine.
This night’s was going to be a long one, and who knows how many bottles we were to buy after we finished this one!
“You know I was raised only by my mother from the age of five, and she never married again?”
“Yes of course,” replied Madeleine. “You told me how much you had to struggle. How much you worked and studied to compete with those rich kids who had everything served on a golden plate. But why are you asking me this? Something happened?”
“As a matter of fact, something did happen, something I never expected to. And now I’m all pissed because of it! This evening, I was supposed to meet my mother to enjoy a family dinner—you know, just the two of us, all nice with a little gossip and great food.”
“So?” she asked. “Did you get to go to your mom’s house?”
“Oh, I did,” I told her. “And when I left home, I was so happy and even sang in the car as I was driving. I was so happy I would see my dear mother that I even forgot all of my problems from work and between me and Mark. But my happiness wasn’t going to last because at my mother’s house, a big surprise was waiting for me…a damn huge one!”
“C’mon, juts tell me for my sake: what did you find? Was your mother paralyzed in there?” she asked curiously.
I wasn’t going to hide the truth from her. “Well my father was there sitting in the dining room, waiting to ask for my forgiveness. Or something like that.”
“Your father? The father who abandoned you? That’s something indeed.”
“Uh-uh.”
“Did you forgive him?”
“What?” I said. “Forgive him? I don’t know what that means. He came now after two decades and expects me to go and hug him? Stuff that, I don’t even know if he’s really who he says he is—I’d have to take a DNA test to be sure, because after twenty years, I’ve forgotten what he really looked like. Those are twenty years! Some people don’t even get to live that long, and he expects me to act as if nothing happened, telling me that he has a new wife now and he’s so happy and religious… Stuff him, I don’t want to have anything to do with that man!”
“Wow, that hit a tender spot, uh?”
“Don’t even get me started,” I gritted through my teeth.
“Clara, he’s your father after all. He gave you life, so you have to be more forgiving. I know you suffered a lot because he left you and your mother, but you should know that it’s easy to judge things from only one perspective. Life is much more complicated than that…you should analyze the situation a bit more, and then make a final decision about it,” said Madeleine as she emptied the bottle into both our glasses.
“You know what he told me?” I tried to say half sober, half drunk.
“What?”
“He told me that he left us because he got into heavy drinking and thought he was a burden to the family. That we’d be better off without him…so he took his things and just left us. I never saw him again until this evening. Isn’t that something?”
“Ah stuff him. If that’s the reason he left both of you, you should hang him off a bridge or something. He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, let alone your love.”
Over the rest of the night, much wine was consumed amongst tears, laughter and hugs.
Waking up in the morning, we were both tipsy, our eyes looking swollen.
Maddy said, “Hey, Clara, you know that whatever I said last night, I didn’t me
an it. I’m telling you just in case.”
I couldn’t help but laugh because the situation was funny. Under the influence of alcohol, people can be quite surprising.
“It’s okay, Maddy. If you ask me, I have no idea what we said last night. My head is too dizzy to remember anything—I’m lucky I remember my own name! Don’t worry, we’re friends!”
After we decided we needed to have some breakfast, she came back to me on the sofa where I was lying looking at the TV.
I couldn’t care less about what was on; all I could think of was the return of my father and how much it had complicated the things that were already messy!
“Clara,” Maddy sighed, “He’s your father. You should at least listen to him carefully before casting him away from your life forever. You should at least see what’s on his soul and then make a decision, because people can change for the better. If he came to you just now, it means he’s ready now. He probably missed you the entire time and blamed himself for the mistakes he made, so don’t make his burden even heavier. Give him a chance.”
My friend talked to me full of calm and peace, as if she’s another person totally different from the one last night.
“If you say so,” I agreed, trying to find some sense in her words. “I’ll give him just one chance and if he messes it up, I’ll never speak to him again.”
“If I’m wrong, you can choose to never speak to me. I’m willing to take this risk just to make you see the opportunity you have in front of you.”
“Fine, Maddy.”
“And?”
“I’ll try not to get upset when seeing him, and give him another chance. I hope it’ll be worth it.”
As I was leaving her house, she showed me the empty bottle while making funny signs.
As I drove home, an overwhelming sense of calm drifted over me.
Chapter Five
I could feel a strange new vibe in my body when I woke up.
I wasn’t as mad as before, when I thought I was going to explode of fury.
Now I was calmer and more open to “suggestions.”
So I called my mother to ask her what happened after I left the house in a hurry.
It seemed my father had left his phone number in case I changed my mind and decided to give him one more chance.
I then took the number from Mom to see what’ll happen if Thomas and I spent some time together, just the two of us.
After his phone rang a couple of times, he finally answered, but he had no idea that I was at the other end of the line.
“Hello, whose this?” he asked.
I hesitated to say anything the first seconds after he answered.
“Is this a joke?” he added.
When he was about to hang up, I said it…
“It’s me, Dad.”
This was the first time since I was five that I said those words.
“Clara, is it you? My baby, is it really you? I was hoping you’d call me, but I never thought you’d ever want. Are you okay?” he asked.
I could feel the enthusiasm in his voice.
“Yes, it’s me, and I’m calling you because I want us to meet for a cup of coffee and discuss the things between us. Because I know it’s easier to accuse than to understand and forgive…” I said, and tried to control my voice the best I could.
The last thing I wanted him to see is I’m nervous when talking to him.
I want to be strong in any situation!
“Of course, dear, anything you want, anytime you want! Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there!”
“Fine, Dad, meet me at the mall at five, and we’ll go somewhere quiet where we can talk properly.”
“Fine, my love, I’ll be there even before five, waiting for you!”
I hung up before he could say anything else, because I knew how that discussion would’ve continued: endless talk about unimportant stuff just because he wanted to hear my voice.
I also had to earn a living, because no one will feed me in case I lose my job.
Tough life.
I went to work as any other day, at the same hour.
But today, I had neither the will nor the concentration to do anything.
All I could think of was what I’d do when meeting my father later that day and how things would come about.
These thoughts gave me no peace, so my boss saw I was distracted.
He checked on me the whole time…I could barely breathe without him checking me. But I pretended I was sick and left for home early, around twelve, to catch some sleep.
I needed all the strength I can get for my meeting with my father.
As I slept, a strange dream came to my mind, bringing me back to my childhood when my father was still with us.
But somehow, in my dream he never left us, and I grew up by his side, getting all the support and love from him that I always wanted and needed so badly.
I was so happy, and my heart felt it too because it couldn’t tell between dream and reality.
Neither my brain could, so when I woke up I was engulfed by a feeling of happiness and well-being.
But I realized soon that it was just a dream and I still had to face the reality.
Chapter Six
When I arrived at the mall, I saw him looking all over the place, hoping to spot me.
As I approached him, he came in a hurry to hug me just like a little kid.
I let him—what could I do?
I had no idea what I was feeling; in my head was a tornado of thought and feelings.
“I already ordered something for you: fries and ice cream, just the way you liked them when you were five. Do you remember? You were so lovely when eating them, getting messy with ice cream all over your face. You looked beautiful then…and you still do, even if you’re not one and a half feet tall anymore. You’re a grown woman!”
“But Dad, I told you we’ll go somewhere where we could talk in silence. Why did you buy those?”
“I know, dear, but I just couldn’t help myself. I wanted to see you eating one more time. I know it sounds silly, but you have no idea how much I missed you. I missed seeing you growing up, playing, eating and even crying, even if I never wanted to see you cry. Let’s just eat, and then we’ll go wherever you want to.”
“Fine, Dad.”
When I started eating, my father ordered for himself too.
But he didn’t touch his food, not for a second, and all he did was watch me eat fry after fry and freeze my teeth with that ice cream that seemed to have been brought directly from the ice age.
It’s a bit creepy, I must confess, to have someone looking at your very move no matter what you do and no matter if it’s your father.
I felt kind of embarrassed, but still tried to eat everything as fast as possible so that I could get out of that crowded place.
Soon enough, we left the mall and went to a small coffee shop on a backstreet near my apartment.
I went there with Madeleine from time to time when we want to have a good coffee and gossip on everything that moved. It’s cozy, and the environment is familiar.
The place was almost empty, and in there was a beautiful silence—silence I always enjoyed there more than anywhere else in the city!
“Take a seat, Dad. I’ll order some coffee, and then we can discuss as much as you want. I’m off from work for the rest of the day.”
Then I went to the bar to ask for my favorite dark, sugarless coffee.
I quickly took it and returned to the table where my father was eagerly waiting for me.
“So, Dad, I thought it over, at least a hundred times. I decided to hear you out before I could make any decision, because life is long and I don’t want to live with regret that I never gave you a chance. So tell me what really happened and why you left us besides the booze reason—I don’t think the bottle of wine pushed you from the house and prevented you from ever coming back.”
“You are right, pumpkin, but the drinking problem was the cause of everything. At
first, I started drinking beer and other easy stuff, as I used to call them. I kept lying, telling myself that with those, I wouldn’t have a problem and that nothing bad will happen if I continued to drink on a daily basis. After all, a lot of people did, and no one died from it…
“But soon, beer wasn’t enough anymore, and I started to drink Scotch, vodka, and other dangerous stuff for you and your mom. I became violent, and sometimes I even hit your mother when you weren’t there to see me. I’m not proud of what I did, but it is the truth and I want you to know it.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because my mother never mentioned any violence.
Maybe because she wanted to protect me—what use was it to me to know all those dreadful facts?
I was speechless as I looked at him.
Who knew what other horrible things he did?
And now he wanted my forgiveness.
“After months of struggling while I stopped working and drank away your mother’s money, we decided in a moment of sobriety to separate. Nothing good could come out of our relationship in those conditions, so I left. The situation was more complicated than words could describe.”
That evening, we talked for hours about what I’ve been doing and how I managed to become such a successful architect.
But then, he came up with news.
He has a stepson.
“Is he yours?” I asked.
“Oh no, he is not my son. He was ten when I began dating Elaine.”
“So he’s not my real brother?”
“No. But he is your stepbrother. I raised him.”
“You didn’t raise me,” I snap.
I didn’t mean to snap at him. The words just fell out of my mouth.
“I’m sorry,” Thomas’ eyes fell to the table.
The awkwardness hung in the air for a long period of time.
I felt uneasy at the pain in his eyes.
“So… what does he do then?” I asked, finally breaking the silence.
“Well,” his voice perked back up again, “Funny thing is, he is also in construction.”
