“I’ll be out in just a minute.” I feel another panic attack creeping up, and I sit on the bed and put my head between my knees. I try and picture Adam’s voice telling me to be calm, and remind myself to keep breathing. I hear my phone beep and it's Jessie telling me she is on her way. I grab my purse, take a deep breath, and open the bedroom door.
“Abigail, what’s wrong? Why have you been crying?”
Shit, I thought I cleaned my face up so he couldn’t tell. He reaches to hug me, but I step back and out of his reach. His arms fall beside his body, and he looks at me confused.
“Adam, I can’t do this anymore. We aren’t going to work out. I have too much baggage that accompanies me, and I don’t want to drag you down. You’re too good to be with someone like me. I’m sorry it went on as long as it did.”
He is looking at me like I just told him his dog died.
“What happened between breakfast and now? I’m a little confused at your change in attitude. We were doing fine 10 minutes ago. And what do you mean you’re not good enough for me? You’re perfect for me.”
“I have to go. Jessie is out front waiting on me. I’ll see you around.” I push past him and make my way downstairs. As I’m going down the long hallway, I stop dead in my tracks. There hanging on the wall in front of me is a family photo of Adam, his mom, and his dad. His dad is wearing a Twisted Monkeys t-shirt and faded denim jeans. He is holding Adam’s mom in his arms, and the way he is looking at her breaks my heart in two. They adored each other, and because of me their family no longer has that. He looks just like I remember him looking. I turn to look at Adam and before I can stop myself I tell him I’m so sorry. A sob escapes from my chest, and hot tears begin to spill down my cheeks.
“Abigail, what are you sorry for? This doesn’t make any sense. Please help me understand!” He shouts at me.
I dash down the stairs and out the front door before he has a chance to stop me. I hear him shouting for me and asking me to stop running away so that we can talk. I see Jessie waiting out front for me, and when she sees me crying her eyes widen.
“Go, Jessie. Drive, NOW!”
I scream at her to drive away, and I don’t feel like she can get out of there fast enough. God, she drives like an old woman. I look in the side mirror of the car and see Adam standing in his driveway with his hands on his head. I want so badly to run to him and have him take away my pain, and to tell me everything is going to be all right. But nothing in my world will ever be all right. It’s all a cruel and twisted joke and apparently I don’t deserve happiness. I have caused one family enough pain, and I promised myself from this point on that I will no longer be the cause of any more of Adam’s sorrows. I feel myself starting to slip back into dark waters again. I so badly want to keep my head afloat and to stay above the water, but my head begins to slowly sink under. Adam was my light in a dark world, but without him all I can see now is the darkness.
Chapter 9
The drive back to Jessie’s house is silent. Neither one of us is willing to be the first person to speak. Eventually, after she takes me home with her, Jessie gets sick of my silent treatment and demands to know what happened.
“If you do not start talking and telling me something, so help me I will sit on you and tickle you until you can’t breathe and you die. Don’t think I won’t.” Her threat scares me a little because I know she’s serious. I absolutely hate being tickled.
I glare at her and throw the covers back over my head. “Will you just give me 5 minutes of peace and quiet? Just five minutes Jessie. I don’t want to talk about it right now. After I take a nap and try to forgot about this horrible fucking day, I want to get drunk off my ass and try to forget about it some more. Want to go out later? I want to get very well acquainted with my old friend tequila tonight.
“Don’t think this conversation is over just because you refuse to talk about it. I’ll give you tonight, but I need to know what happened by tomorrow. I won’t have you going back under again. I can’t sit back and watch you go back down that dark road. You are acting and talking just like you did after the asshole hurt you a few years ago.” She leans over and tucks the blanket around my chin and kisses my cheek. It’s a very motherly gesture and tears start to sting my eyes. Before I realize what’s happening, the words start to tumble out of my mouth.
“Adam’s dad was the man who saved me the night my father was murdered. He was the one who pulled me out of that mess and took me to my room. If he didn’t stop to help me he could be home right now with his wife and Adam. I am the reason Adam is so sad, I am the reason his mom never truly smiles anymore. How can I be with Adam knowing that I am somewhat responsible for his pain? Tell me how any of this is fair!” I start to scream and hot tears are pouring down my cheeks. “Tell me what I ever did to deserve this life! Adam was the one good thing that I had in my life, aside from you, and now I can’t even have him. My dad is dead, my mom is a fucking drug addict who is in the hospital because she was stabbed, and the only boy who I could possibly fall in love with will hate me if he ever finds out my secret.”
“Oh shit,” Jessie whispers out. She crawls into bed with me and wraps her arm around me. “I don’t have the answers for you as to why life isn’t fair. You and I both know how unfair life can be. But what I do know is that when life gives you hundred reasons to cry, give life a big fuck you by showing it a thousand reasons to smile. It’s not always sunshine and butterflies, but we have to remember to smile through the pain. If we can do that, if we can smile through our pain, then we will come out OK in the end. Adam’s dad saved a tiny little girl who was stuck in the middle of a bar fight. He did what any responsible grown adult would have done. You can’t blame yourself, you were just a kid.”
She really is a wise, wise girl. She has always given the best advice. Even as kids she knew what she was talking about. I wish I could somehow make myself believe that it was true.
“Go get some sleep. When you wake up we will go out and have one wild night. After tonight is over and tomorrow comes around, we need to face our problems head on. No more running away, Abigail. Maybe you should give Adam the benefit of the doubt. You never know how he will react to this secret unless you talk to him. Don’t just run away. For once, fight a battle worth fighting for. I believe Adam is worth that fight.”
She gets out of bed and shuts the door behind her. I process her words of wisdom, and mentally prepare myself to talk to Adam. I don’t know if I’ll be able to, but I want to try. I hate thinking of myself as being damaged. I, for once, want to stand up and fight for the things I want. I just need to find the courage to do it. That’s the hard part.
I think about my mother and how she’s doing. But I’m so mad at her at this moment in time, and mad at our fucked up life, that I can’t even bring myself to care right now. I know that sounds awful, but I am to mentally drained at the moment. I start to hum the song Adam’s dad sang to me the night he saved my life. It’s always been the one song that makes me feel better. It’s seems strange to sing it now, but I can’t seem to stop. I start to drift off into an uneasy and restless sleep.
Jessie did a complete makeover on me tonight. I told her I wanted to dress up differently, and pretend for one night that I wasn’t the dark and twisty Abigail McCarthy. She pulled out all her tricks, and when I looked in the mirror my jaw nearly hit the floor.
“Damn Abs, you clean up well.”
I can’t stop staring at myself. I am wearing a skin tight strapless black dress that comes just below my ass and black pumps that are at least five inches tall. I have on teal accessories, and my hair is curled to perfection. My makeup is completely different than what I normally wear. Jessie gave me gray and black smoky eyes, a thin layer of eyeliner, and pale pink lipstick.
“I think I might kill myself in these shoes, Jessie. I’m used to my Chucks and these just might be the death of me. But you are right about one thing, they make my legs look amazing.”
“Yeah, and your ass. Let’s
go hit the town for one wild night out. There are no rules tonight. I won’t cut you off from drinking until you tell me to. This is your one night to forget, but don’t forget what I said. Tomorrow we face our demons. We won’t be like our parents and let our demons take over us.”
I roll my eyes at her and she smacks me in the ass as she walks out of the bedroom.
“I mean it, Abigail!”
I inwardly wince. Man she slaps hard. For such a little thing she sure is strong.
When I walk into the living room Jessie has six shots of Patron lined up and some lime wedges beside each shot glass. I can already tell tonight is going to be disastrous, but what the hell.
She hands me the first shot glass and takes one for herself. She holds the glass up to mine and makes a toast.
“To shitty parents, amazing friends, and second chances.”
We take back the first shot and the warm feeling of Patron slowly starts to warm my belly. Immediately I take back the second and third shot and slowly bite into my lime.
“So it’s going to be that kind of night?” Jessie gives me a slow smile, raises her shot glass to me, tips her head back, and then her whole body shivers. “God, why do you love this stuff so much? It tastes awful.”
“Oh suck it up buttercup, it’s not that bad.”
I give her a small smirk, pick up the remaining two shot glasses, and down them in record time. Jessie is staring at me wide eyed, and I think I slightly shocked her.
“What? I grew up in a bar, and I used to have contest with some of the younger guys to see who could drink the most tequila. I always won. Don’t act so shocked, it’s not like you weren’t there to witness me do this.”
“I know, it’s just been a long time since I’ve seen you drink like this. Let’s get out of here and go find us some hot guys to toy with for the night.”
She gives me a devilish smile, and we are on our way. I have no desire or interest in finding some hot guys to talk to tonight. I just want to dance. The slight fog of the tequila is helping me relax. I hope that in the next few hours I will become numb to the pain in my chest.
“What about you and Max? And don’t pretend that nothing is going on. I have been hearing things from other people when I should be hearing things from you. Spill it.”
She takes in a deep breath and slowly turns to face me. “If you are getting one night to forget shit then I am too. No questions. Not tonight. Please.”
I narrow my eyes at her, but I can’t argue with what she is saying. Neither one of us want to talk about our problems tonight.
“You don’t have to be scared to let someone get close to you,” I softly say.
She holds up her hand to stop me from saying anything else. “Not tonight, Abigail.” Her tone is serious, so I decide to drop it.
“OK, I'll drop it. Let’s go have fun.”
“Now you’re talking!” She gives me a big hug and we head outside.
When we arrive at the club we show the bouncers our fake IDs, then Jessie and I immediately make our way to the bar. As soon as we approach the bar, Jessie leans over and pushes her chest out just a little bit trying to get the bartender's attention. It doesn’t take him long to notice her and he quickly makes his way over.
“What can I get you two ladies tonight?” He looks over at me and rakes his eyes slowly down my body and then back up again before returning his stare to Jessie. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m not used to anyone checking me out like this. I remember that I’m dressed more like Jessie tonight, and not dressed in my usual attire. I usually scare guys off and make myself look unapproachable, but that doesn’t look like the case tonight.
“We will have one shot of Patron, one lemon drop shot, and two Jack and Cokes,” she sweetly says.
“Actually make that two shots of Patron, and only one Jack and Coke,” I say. Jessie tries to give me a glare, but I stick my tongue out at her and turn my focus back to the bartender.
“Coming right up, beautiful.” He smiles and winks at us both before going off to make our drinks. Gross. We take our drinks, and then head out to find a table.
“Let’s go dance, Abs.”
“Gladly.” We make our way to the dance floor and start dancing to the beat of the music and for the first time today I find myself starting to relax. There is something about being on a dance floor and dancing that makes me forget my troubles.
Before I know it, two arms come up from behind me and grab my hips, and my body automatically freezes. I turn around and I am starting into the light green eyes of Bryan, Adam’s friend. God, I can’t seem to escape all things that are Adam. I don’t think he recognizes me. I don’t look anything like I looked the night we met at Adam’s show.
“What’s a hot girl like you dancing all alone for? Need me to keep you company?” He moves in closer, grabs my hips and starts to dance. Then recognition flashes behind his eyes.
“Oh shit, Abigail? You look, wow, you look different. I didn’t even recognize you. You do know Adam is looking for you, right? He called us earlier all pissed off. He said he couldn’t find you, and that you turned off your phone. What happened? I’ve never heard him sound so upset.”
A flash of pain shoots through my chest.
“Adam and I aren’t together, and I do what I want. Tonight I want to get drunk off my ass and forget about my shitty life for once. And Adam falls into the category.”
My heart breaks just a little bit knowing that he’s upset, but who am I kidding, I am responsible for some of that pain.
“I’m no good for him, Bryan. I’m a fuck up and I ruin anything and anyone that gets close to me. Adam is too good to be ruined by someone like me.”
I normally wouldn’t have said that out loud, but alcohol tends to make me chatty. Bryan looks at me with sympathy, then leans over and whispers something in Max’s ear. I see Bryan pull out his cell phone, and when he glances up he has a guilty look on his face. Shit, what did he do? My brain is too foggy to process anything right now.
“I’m sure that’s not true, Abigail. We have never seen Adam fall for anybody before. We all used to joke that we thought he was gay. We never see him with girls. But when you walked into his life, it’s like you woke something inside him. He started smiling and laughing again. I feel like I got my friend back. It’s been years since I’ve seen him happy. You bring that out in him. So you do bring joy and happiness to people. Please don’t put yourself down like that. And uh, don’t tell Adam I said any of that either. It was all a little bit sappy.”
I give him a small smile. What a kind thing to say. I need to get away, go dance or drink more or something. I am supposed to be forgetting my problems tonight. But Bryan’s words are bringing tears to my eyes, and making me feel guilty for running away from Adam earlier today.
I shout at Jessie that I want to get another drink, and she mouths to Max that we will be right back.
“We will come with you girls. I don’t want anyone messing with you. Adam would kill me.” He says that last part under his breath. Max puts his hand on the small of Jessie’s back and guides her to the bar. She leans in close to him and wraps her arms around his waist. They look very comfortable together.
The bartender recognizes us and quickly comes over to see what we want. “I’ll take 3 shots of Patron.” I lean over to Max and ask what he wants. “Max, you want a beer?”
He nods his head once then leans over towards me. “Are all three of those shots for you? Do you think you should drink anymore?”
I glare at him and he looks like he’s torn as to what to do. “Yes, they are all for me. I am not a newbie to drinking Max. I can handle it.”
Jessie leans over and loudly shouts. “Hey, leave her alone, tonight is our one night to forget shit and drink until we puke. She can handle it. This isn’t her first rodeo.” She is already tipsy, and laughing more than she should. I roll my eyes at her, she is such a lightweight. Max leans closer to her and puts a protective arm around her shoulder. He is shooting
daggers at the bartender and he has a possessive look in his eye. He is basically staking his claim on her.
The bartender comes back with our drinks and lays my shots out in front of me. I lick my wrist, and then shake some salt onto it. I lick the salt, tip back all three shots in record time, and finish it off by biting into my lime.
“Damn Abigail, I think you could give me a run for my money.” Bryan is shaking his head and laughing in disbelief.
“Let’s go dance!” I make my way back onto the dance floor and that numb feeling I crave is starting to slowly take over, but it’s not nearly enough. I’ve only got a slight buzz. Jessie is pulling out all her moves on Max and I can see him turning into putty in her hands. Jessie tends to have that effect on guys. But the look in her eye tonight is a look I’ve never seen before. She looks…happy and comfortable. She usually uses guys for one thing, and one thing only. But she is looking at Max with affection and tenderness.
Bryan stays close to my side the rest of the night. If anyone gets too close to me he pushes them off and tells them I’m off limits. What the hell? I am not off limits to anyone. I want to dance, damn it. He has this whole big brother thing going on and I’m not sure how I feel about it. We do a few more rounds at the bar, and by our last round I found the perfect buzz. But I can’t for the life of me get Adam out of my head. I need more to drink, but Bryan and Max cut me off an hour ago. These guys are ruining my night.
“Hey, I need to use the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Bryan is talking to some girl and I don’t want to interrupt his game, so after assuring him many times that I’m a big girl and can pee on my own, he reluctantly lets me go. I really am going to the bar, but I’m not going to tell him that.
“There and back, and don’t talk to anyone.” I can see the conflict in his eyes about letting me go alone. Honestly. What is it with Adam and his friends? I am not a weak little thing who can’t handle myself. I have had a lot to drink tonight, but I am nowhere near as drunk as I want to be. The girl he is talking to gives me the stink eye, and I can’t help the giggle I let out.
Alive Page 9
