by Liam Fialkov
The women got into Sarah’s car, and she decided to go to a small and intimate restaurant about a twenty-minute drive from the house. They kept silent during the drive as if learning to feel and respect each other’s private space. At the restaurant, Sarah ordered fish as the main course, and Irene ordered a vegetarian meal.
“I’m glad to see that my husband has a good friend,” Sarah opened, “but I have a hard time with the notion that you are siblings; it sounds groundless and even delusional to me.”
“When Jonathan brought up the idea I was quite reserved,” Irene said, “but slowly I started to accept that there is a chance that he might be right.”
“But do you have any facts to base this assumption on?” Sarah probed.
“We discovered that his parents, as well as my father, were killed in a car accident in the same year,” Irene said.
“Many people died in that year, unfortunately,” Sarah responded.
“Then we discovered that we both had a Jewish father,” Irene said.
“That still doesn’t mean that it’s the same man,” Sarah said. She no longer resisted the idea that her husband would have a special female friend, but she was bothered by the thought that two rational adults would fall into unrealistic delusions.
“We don’t have more facts,” Irene acknowledged, “but we understand each other in unique subtleties, and we think similarly.”
For a moment, Sarah felt pity for the woman sitting across from her, who was an orphan and a single daughter to a single mother. “Tell me,” Sarah asked, “do you know what your father’s profession was?”
Irene didn’t know, and she had never asked her mother, who didn’t like to talk about her father. But perhaps, following the intense experience that she had gone through when she visited the site with Jonathan, there was still a channel that was left partially open, a canal that wasn’t closed all the way, a conduit that she normally couldn’t access. She strained her mind, trying to remember if her mother had ever said anything that could point to her father’s profession. A small wrinkle appeared in the center of Irene’s forehead as she was making an effort to remember. A memory floated in her mind. “I think he was an architect,” she said slowly. She looked at the memory that drifted out of oblivion. She saw herself as a ten-year-old girl who brought home a drawing she had created in school. The children had been assigned to imagine and paint the house where they lived. “This is really an architect’s sketch,” her mother had expressed her wonder. “It appears you inherited your father’s genes.”
Sarah looked at Irene with amazement. The wrinkle that appeared at the center of Irene’s forehead looked familiar. A wrinkle like that appeared in Jonathan’s forehead when he was making a mental effort.
When they returned home, they asked Jonathan if he knew what his father’s profession was. “I don’t know,” Jonathan said, “but maybe Walter does.
Chapter 30
Sarah
During her work at the clinic, Sarah befriended a nurse named Heidi O’Neil, who was in her mid-thirties and had recently moved to California with her husband and her two little boys.
The family lived in their trailer that was parked in a densely populated trailer park. Their living expenses were minimal because they only had to pay the parking fee, which included a connection to the water and the electric systems.
Sarah and Heidi liked each other and enjoyed spending time together. Heidi looked younger than her age, with her red hair that she usually tied in a ponytail. She had a freckled face and a small pug nose.
Sarah visited Heidi’s home on a few occasions, where Heidi’s kids won her heart; and Heidi visited Sarah’s house and met Jonathan. He introduced himself politely, shook her hand and went on his way, and she thought that he was handsome and a little strange.
Heidi was a vegetarian, and she was attracted to the spiritual teachings of the Far East. She invited Sarah to join her when she went to weekly meetings with an Indian guru, around whom formed a thriving community of followers. The center of the community was in an ashram that was located about a forty-minute drive from Sarah’s house.
Sarah was curious to meet the guru and hoped that the spiritual experience would prove to be beneficial for her. Years ago, she had experienced the Christian religious world, and she had found some positive and constructive aspects in that belief system. But as a whole it didn’t agree with her, as she was a rational person, and her free spirit couldn’t accept the rigidity and way of thinking that she was confronted with. Now she felt that Heidi’s invitation came at the right time because lately, feelings of sadness and hopelessness had started to creep into her heart and mind.
The guru’s name was Baba Shree Ramayana. He was always dressed in an impeccably clean white robe; his hair and beard were long and anointed with oil. During the meetings, the guru sat on a tall chair in front of his disciples, who gathered at his feet, on the floor’s carpet and pillows, and he patiently answered their questions.
The guru explained that our consciousness usually identifies itself with the physical body, but during yoga practice, it expands and spreads to more transcendental and subtle realms. He also said that beyond intellectual grasping there is an infinite knowledge, as well as power, peace, and joy. He emphasized that we don’t have to search for God outside of us, because everything is divine, including ourselves.
Sarah was fascinated with the ideas that the guru presented. She practiced the new methods in her house, in the early morning hours; she did yoga and breathing exercises, sat in meditation, and a sense of renewed optimism started to fill her world and her spirit. According to her new perceptions, she stopped eating every kind of meat.
Sarah didn’t try to share her new world with her husband, knowing that he was not attracted to Far Eastern concepts. Jonathan was, after all, a rational and intellectual person who wouldn’t want to give up mental thinking and researching. She also thought that he wouldn’t agree to stop eating beef.
But he noticed the joy returning to his wife’s eyes and spirit, after an extended period of time when gloominess and bitterness had taken control of her. And not only was he glad to perceive the positive change in his wife, but he was also pleased to see that she stopped her sexual adventures outside the house.
The guru, Baba Shree Ramayana, invited Sarah to a retreat that he held in the ashram on his land, and she gladly accepted the invitation. She signed up for the retreat despite the high participation fee, because she was flattered by receiving a personal invitation from him.
In the retreat, she deepened her studies and practices. She learned to sit for long periods of time without thinking. Or she would observe her thoughts as they arose and passed by, without getting attached to them. She learned to focus her complete attention on her inner world and observe processes in the mind that were completely unfamiliar to her.
Many years had passed since she had become disappointed and left the Christian faith, and now she found herself enthusiastically returning to the spiritual realm. The new insights contributed to an improvement in her mood, and more than that, she was glad to be back on a path that promised redemption from suffering and offered serenity and hidden knowledge.
But after a few months, she started to observe cracks in the beautiful and clean image of the guru and his white robe, and the people surrounding him in a clear hierarchy. Sarah couldn’t avoid noticing that the community leaders, headed by the guru, ran their financial dealings with shrewdness, cunningness, and lack of transparency. Sarah understood that the organization needed money for its operations, and she didn’t find a fault in charging money for the yoga and meditation classes. But the business was managed with a lack of honesty, in her view. She saw how they sold their courses using aggressive marketing techniques, and how they made unrealistic promises on glossy, colorful brochures, which annoyed Sarah, who thought that such an organization should act with a higher environmental awareness.
The various courses were offered to the public for a very
high tuition fee, and they assured participants that in return for “the investment,” they would gain peace and good health for the rest of their lives. To Sarah, this seemed like unfounded sales talk. Sarah was especially dismayed when she saw how some of the guru’s disciples, those who came from wealthy families, gained preferential privileges, became the guru’s cronies, and received central and important roles in the organization. They were tempted to contribute large sums of money to the foundation for momentary glory and a promise of spiritual redemption and enlightenment.
Sarah sensed how a feeling of rebelliousness was rising within her. The profound appreciation that she had felt for the guru was replaced by a deep disappointment, which in some way connected to the disappointment, years ago, from the mother superior at the convent in Arizona. Sarah was convinced that a spiritual teacher must serve as a personal moral example of the teachings that he preached, and she didn’t find that kind of example in Baba Shree Ramayana. After a short period of debating within herself, she decided to leave the guru and his community.
Melancholy returned to nest in her heart, and she resumed her nighttime adventures, which became riskier and more desperate. She no longer exercised extra caution when picking the guys that she hunted, and with whom she had sex that was usually impersonal and unsatisfying.
Her friend, Heidi, understood her disappointment but didn’t agree with her perception. She too was unhappy with the organization’s ways of handling its finances, but she chose to concentrate on the positive messages of the guru and the path that he offered.
Heidi convinced Sarah to give the spiritual world another chance, and together, they signed up for a series of meetings with a Japanese Zen master named Nipo Shiaku. After many years of sitting in long hours of meditation, Nipo told his listeners that they didn’t need to spend their time and effort practicing meditation, and they could simply live the moment, here and now.
Central to his teaching was the understanding that we perceive the world through our senses, and in our consciousness, we form concepts of the events and issues that we meet. Our thoughts give us an interpretation of the world and don’t allow us to experience reality as it is at any given moment. “The paradox is, that we honestly strive to understand the world with our minds,” Nipo looked amused, “but in order to arrive at a real knowledge of reality, we have to use direct experience, not our mind’s thought process.”
Sarah was pleased when she saw that as she got closer to the teacher and became familiar with his way of life, she didn’t find any dark and shady facets in him. The man was honest, lived modestly, and was wholly faithful to his path and his teachings. But the series ended, and old Nipo had very few public appearances; he wasn’t interested in creating an organization around him and expanding his activities.
Heidi invited Sarah to accompany her when she went to a lecture and a meeting with a Tibetan lama. She said that the topic of the discourse, The Tibetan Book of the Dead, interested her more than any other matter. Sarah agreed to come along, and actually, she was interested in any activity that would get her out of the house, which recently had become boring, empty, and gloomy for her. She also looked for meaning in her life that would deflect her from her sexual adventures, which she recognized as a destructive habit.
Sarah and Heidi experienced a fascinating lecture. The lama said that in the Tibetan form of Buddhism, they had intensely researched the subject of death. The leading lamas had mapped the phases that the soul goes through, from the moment of death until rebirth. Those stages are called Bardo by the Tibetans. The lama explained that after death, we are exposed to a barrage of hallucinations; some of them calming, while others could be startling and terrifying.
He said, “It is very important to remain peaceful during the dying process, which we all undergo. We must recognize the mirages as coming from our own subconscious, and we must not be afraid. Keeping calm and understanding in the presence of the scary imageries will lead to a more evolved birth, and even to the possibility of complete liberation from the circle of birth, death, and rebirth.”
After the meeting, Sarah and Heidi went to eat pizza. “Amazing, wasn’t it?” Heidi said while enjoying her mushroom pizza.
“Outstanding,” Sarah agreed. “But I’m wondering if these are issues that we should concern ourselves with in our daily lives. In my opinion, it’s better to focus on the here and now, as Nipo suggested.”
“Now I’m focusing on my pizza,” Heidi smiled. “I agree with you that we should live in the present moment, but in my opinion,” she became serious, “we have to remember that death could catch us at any second; we could drive home and get killed in a car accident.”
“Since when did you become so optimistic?” Sarah asked while tucking into her olive pizza.
“It is not a matter of being optimistic or pessimistic,” Heidi answered, “it’s an honest look at reality.”
Sarah looked at her young and serious friend. “I’m glad we met,” Sarah said affectionately, and smiled at Heidi.
Chapter 31
Michael
Michael was at his rented apartment, preparing a light evening meal when the phone rang. Cooking wasn’t his favorite hobby, but he wasn’t deterred by it. In the evenings, he prepared simple meals for himself. During the winter, he usually made a vegetable soup with rice, and in the summer, mostly a salad with fresh bread.
He found that engaging in food preparation, cutting the vegetables and cooking the soup, relaxed him. It allowed him to clear his mind, to think about the events of the day, and to examine their effect on him. He wasn’t a vegetarian, but what little meat and fish that he consumed, he preferred to eat in a restaurant. At his home he avoided meat because he didn’t like the preparation involved, and the smell that remained in the house.
He didn’t recognize the telephone number that appeared on the screen when he answered.
“Hello, Michael?” He heard the voice of a young woman. “This is Melanie, Walter’s daughter.”
“Hi Melanie,” Michael answered warmly.
“Is it OK that I’m calling at this time, or are you busy?” She wanted to know.
“I’m not especially busy,” he answered, wondering what might be the reason for the call. “What is this about?” he asked.
“It is about—” she paused. “Well it’s because I like you, and that’s why I asked my dad to give me your number. I’ll be glad to meet with you and go out together.”
Michael took a deep breath, absorbing her surprising words. He perceived Melanie as a beautiful and graceful young woman, and he knew that she was studying at a university out west, on the other side of the continent.
“Am I embarrassing you?” she asked.
“A little bit,” he acknowledged. “I didn’t expect it.”
“If you’re uncomfortable, then I—”
“No, wait,” he quickly came to his senses. “Would you like to go to a movie or something like that? he asked while collecting his thoughts.
“That would be great,” she joyfully agreed. “I’ve moved back to New York, and here I’ll do my training. Right now I’m on vacation so whenever you—”
“Tomorrow?” he suggested.
“Excellent,” she accepted.
“Would you like me to pick you up at seven thirty in the evening, after work?” he asked. “I happen to know where you live.”
“Sounds good,” she said. “That way we could eat something before the movie. Choose which movie you want to see.”
After the conversation, Michael returned to preparing his meal. He slowly cut the vegetables while contemplating the unexpected development. He was surprised, but he remembered that during his high school’s years, not once had girls been attracted to him, called and invited him to go out with them.
When Melanie came to visit her parents, Michael, who was there on Saturdays, had the impression that she was fond of him. And yet, the thought of a relationship with her hadn’t been on his mind; and if it did cross his mind, t
hen he rejected the idea because he worried about infringing on the trust that her parents had in him. Walter and his wife knew that he was an adopted child and treated him somewhat like he was their son. He now worried that the warm connection with the Lindseys could change, and also his ties with Walter’s band, that playing with them was dear to his heart.
As Michael knew the relationships within the Lindsey family, he could assume that Melanie had probably been open and honest with her father when she asked for his number.
But maybe she just needed someone to accompany her to a movie, and he was giving it too much weight. Michael could not stop thinking about the surprising phone call. The more he thought about it, the more Melanie’s image grew in his mind and pulled him toward her with invisible threads, while all the other considerations faded in the background. A positive expectation started to fill his heart, along with the recognition that he was hungry for a significant relationship with a woman.
The following day, Michael tried to concentrate on his work but he knew that he was unfocused. He didn’t see Walter anywhere, and he felt that it was better that way.
He finished working earlier than usual and hurried home to take a shower and change clothes. Since he didn’t know how the traffic was going to be on the roads and bridges leading northbound to Westchester County, where the Scarsdale suburb is, he went on his way earlier than necessary.
Michael knew that he was fortunate. He was blessed with talents and abilities; he was smart, healthy, and good-looking. The good Evans family that adopted him with much love had given him a good life and the opportunity to fulfill his goals and wishes. At this stage of his life, he had already started to think of settling down and having a family of his own. But there was a tiny worry hiding in some concealed place inside of him, a fear that one day—for some obscure reason that he would not be able to understand—his whole world would collapse and would turn out to be an illusion. And then there was something else; he kept a deep-seated longing to meet his biological parents, to unite with them and ask them the questions that continued to bother him: why did they give him up for adoption and not raise him as their own son? And maybe destiny was in his favor; maybe they would have turned out to be awful parents, alcoholics, drug addicts, poor and uneducated, who understood that they had to give him away in order to give him a chance in life. But maybe they had changed their minds over the years? Maybe they were looking for him?
