“Harley,” I breathed her name like a prayer, a weight lifting off my chest.
“Deklan,” she said in the same breathy whisper I’d only heard her use while I was buried deep inside her. This was my Harley. And suddenly I was happy-go-fucking-lucky and nothing could fuck up this high I was on. She was good.
“Um, Deklan?” Fuck, I was standing here on the phone, not saying shit, and going all mute because of two words.
“Harley, don’t fuck with me, are you…”
“I’m not… I mean I am good, at least I will be.”
“Deklan, personal calls are to be made on personal time, not mine. Get your ass back up front.” Big Mike had come up behind me from the office in the back. I’d heard him before he even opened his fat ass mouth.
Without turning around, I replied, “Yeah, got it.” Mike could kiss my ass; I brought in most of the female customers; plus, I was good at my job.
“Deklan,” she began, before my growl cut her off.
“Babe,” I warned. She was being cryptic as fuck and that shit didn’t fly with me. Before I could push her more, Big Mike got in my face. He must be on that, drink otherwise he wouldn’t fucking dare.
“I said now, son.” His pupils dilated a little, giving away the fact that he was on some shit. Fuck, I knew he was a slimy piece of shit, but I looked the other way because he was always square with me. He was pushing it now though.
Harley gasped, having heard Mike’s words through the phone. “Deklan, please go back to work; I like that you're worried, but I’m okay.”
“Be up when I get home,” I demanded before hanging up and giving this asshole my full attention, something he was going to regret.
“Back the fuck up, Mike, I heard you.” He was smart enough, whatever was gassing him up and making him think he was tough and shit, to back up a small step. Mike wasn’t shit but a guy who owned a business with a god complex. I knew the type well.
“Watch it, son, you’re on thin ice,” he warned, puffing his chest out. Fuck him, I don’t intimidate easily.
“I’m not the only one,” I warned before crowding his space, causing him to fall back, allowing me to pass. Yeah, that’s what I thought. I made sure he heard my “and I’m not your fucking son” loud and clear on my way.
I had a feeling this shit was just the start, but he would have to wait. Harley was good, and at the moment, so was I.
Until I walked out and ran into my fucking brother.
Deklan
He was leaning on my side of the bar, talking to finger sucker. By the glazed look on his face, he was already faded. Fucking great. After what went down with us in high school, I stopped playing big brother, so if he was too fucking gone to get back to wherever the fuck he came from? Not my problem.
Why was he here in the first place? I knew I shouldn’t have fucked up and told him where I worked. Hell, I hated asking him for shit, but I had to keep tabs on Harley’s bitch ass mother. I warned her, but bitches never heed warnings. I told him to drop a line, not show the fuck up if he heard anything.
“Hey, there he is! It’s my big fucking brother, everyone!” Matty proclaimed loudly, and I already knew I was going to have to drop his ass tonight. You would think he would get the fucking point. I warmed his ass up every time I saw him; last time it was with a throat punch after disrespecting Har. Tonight, though, this would be for me.
Ignoring all the shocked as shit stares being thrown my way, I made my way back behind the bar. No one here knew shit about my life, especially anything about my family, and they were eating this shit up. I shot my brother a look and crossed my arms over my chest, stance ready, waiting for the chance to hop over the bar and get with him. He turned and gave me a shit-eating grin then grabbed finger sucker in for a hungry drunken kiss.
Guess he and Ember weren’t a thing anymore. Figures, the dick liked to betray the people who loved him. I waited, watching him dirty grind on her, all the while her extras were cheering her on, like this was some fucking game show or some shit.
Once they were done, I couldn’t help but be an asshole. “Not as good as the original, babe, but nice try.”
Yeah, I went there. She knew what I meant, he knew what I meant; hell, everyone who was focused on us knew what the fuck I meant. And it did the job in pissing my brother off, just like it always did. He’d hated living in my shadow growing up, but back then it was just friendly competition. That all changed in high school. He became more competitive and resentful whenever someone compared him to me.
At first, I would dispel anyone who compared us, fuck up anyone who talked shit about my brother; he was my kid brother. There was only a three-year age difference, so we were close growing up. I was his protector since he’d always been smaller than me, and punk ass kids thought that was a free pass to pick on him. But I put a stop to all of that. No one fucked with my family.
But I didn’t see it. I didn’t see when my baby brother turned traitorous against me. Right before I graduated, he went and fucked up our bond for good. But when the shit slapped me in the face? I became a special kind of big brother. The kind that reminded him that he wasn’t shit compared to me, he was my little brother in every aspect. And always would be.
“Fuck you, I don’t need your sloppy seconds!” He shoved away from the chick and stormed over to Sal’s side of the bar. Just as well, I needed a fucking minute to get my temper checked before I split his shit. His being in my space was fucking with me, electrifying the air, making my skin feel too tight, and winding me up. I needed a release, and usually, that meant find the nearest bar bitch and fuck away my problems. Since I had tabled that shit the second I decided I was keeping Harley, I needed the next best thing. To hit something.
Last call came and went, but he stayed posted up against Sal’s side like he was holding it up or some shit.
Stone, the bouncer walked over to him, standing close. “It’s closing time, buddy.” Normally, people took the hint when the lights went up and the music stopped. But Matty was too far gone to notice either. Great.
He turned and looked at Stone then back at me. “Who’s this big muthafucker breathing down my neck?”
“You know this dude?” Stone asked. I knew all I had to do was say the word and Matty would be left alone. I should have said yes, but I didn’t. I simply shrugged, and he took my non-answer as answer enough.
“All right asshole, out.” Stone laid a heavy hand on this shoulder, trying to intimidate him. I could have told him my brother hated that shit. Stone was bigger than he was, and where most people saw a powerhouse not to be messed with, Matty saw a fucking challenge. Perks of growing up my brother.
“Fuck you,” Matty spat, turning around, intent on squaring up. Only he was so fucking wasted, he fell off the chair, hit the floor hard, and then passed the fuck out.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck fuck. He would do this. It must have been some left over big brother shit still in my system that caused me to hop the bar and head over just as Stone was about to haul him up.
“I got him.” I lugged him over my shoulder in a fireman’s hold and kicked the door open into the parking lot with my foot. I was really fucking tempted to deposit his ass in his car and let him sleep it off, but I didn’t want him to wake up and try to drive. I might have hated my brother, but I didn’t want him dead from a drunk driving accident.
I threw him in the back seat of my car and went back in to finish closing. It took me all of ten minutes before I was back out and in my car driving home. I had no idea what the fuck he was doing here, but come morning I would find out.
“Dek?” he questioned from the back seat.
“Who the fuck else is it going to be?” I was pissed and didn’t give a fuck about being nice. “If you throw up in my car, I’m leaving you on the side of the fucking road.”
“Aww, I knew you cared,” he slurred then went silent. Probably passed out again.
Fuck.
Chapter 2
Harley
>
Thump
I jumped awake, the sound jarring me from my sleep. I had only intended to take a small nap so that I could be awake when Deklan came home. I hadn’t expected to fall into such a deep sleep. It’s funny; it was the most peaceful sleep I’d gotten without being wrapped up in Deklan’s arm. It was like my mind and body shut down and recharged ready to tackle whatever was ahead.
What the hell was that noise? I eyed the bat Deklan had insisted on leaving by my side of the bed, for when he was at work. I didn’t think I could actually swing that heavy thing, but I’d break something trying.
Thump
Seriously? With my heart in my throat, I gently pulled back the covers, like the killer could hear that, and tiptoed out of bed. I got a good grip on the bat and raised it above my head, praying I didn’t drop it. That’d be just my luck to drop the bat on my foot or something. Heavy footsteps followed by heavy breathing and another thump. Who made so much noise breaking and entering?
Must be a rookie.
Great, this was probably an initiation robbing to some gang or something. As the footsteps drew closer to the bedroom, the fight-or-flight feeling that I normally associated with my panic attacks kicked into high gear. Adrenaline filled blood pumped into my head and heart double time. I crept behind the door just as the knob turned, and I swung with all my weight at the tall shadow that passed the threshold. He caught the bat on its swing before I could even register that I was fucked.
”I told you, aim for the balls babe,” Deklan said. “Fuck, what if you were really in danger?”
Wait, what? He was pissed at me?
“You scared the shit out of me, Deklan. What the hell is wrong with you?” I screamed, shoving into him with the bat angrily.
Fear clutched my heart, making it hard to breathe. The big gulps of air I was trying to suck in through my mouth—like they tell people who hyperventilate to do— wasn’t working. My arm fell from the bat as he yanked it out of my hand and tossed it on the floor, quickly grabbing me up in a hug.
“Fuck, Har, my bad, shit.” His words, his gentle touch, had no effect on my erratic heartbeat and as my breathing got worse, so did that familiar feeling I hadn’t felt in so long. The paralyzing, very physical reaction that no one can see or hear but is nonetheless very real.
Normal people would have let the fact that there was no danger wash over them and be laughing at it now. But no, not me, I was still clutching my chest, willing my pulse to calm the hell down. There was no danger, but rational thought wasn’t getting through. With just a simple word, thought, or action this reaction is what grips me and I feel that flight reaction for minutes or hours, sometimes days. All those people who pretended to have panic attacks because it was the ‘in’ thing, fuck you. Panic, fear, that shit is not the ‘in’ thing. Ever.
I don’t know how long we stood there, me gripping Deklan, him letting me, hugging me so tight like he was trying to absorb my panic. Eventually, my breathing evened out, and I was calm enough for him to let me go.
“Good?” he asked, ducking his head so he could catch my eye. He looked like he was holding back. He did that a lot— hold back. I don’t know if he knew that I knew, but he was handling me with kid gloves, and I guess, given what I had done, the gloves were necessary; at least for a while. But I was supposed to be good right?
“Yeah, sorry.” I cleared the remaining fear from my throat.
“Don’t fucking apologize.” He hated that my initial reaction for something was to apologize, like I had done something wrong, even when I hadn’t. It was a habit I was desperately trying to break.
“I’m…I forgot,” I amended, walking over to climb in bed. One thing the cool people don’t mention about panic attacks? They suck all the energy out of you, leaving you feeling tired as shit. I knew it was probably a combination of both the adrenaline let down as well as coming off the panic attack, and man, was it hitting me hard. Deklan let out a curse under his breath before exhaling deeply.
“Look, I’m sorry babe, I keep forgetting that…. you’re not…that I shouldn’t scare you,” he stammered. Actually stammered. See, kid gloves.
I felt so much in those few seconds it took me to respond. Guilt, embarrassment, shamefulness, panic, and anger, most definitely anger.
“Why shouldn’t you scare me, Deklan?” I challenged. I don’t know why I choose now to get angry with him. If anything, I should have loved the fact that he cared enough to treat me with such gentleness. But I was tired of gentle, and I wanted the asshole say-fuck-for-everything bad boy I fell hard for.
“You know why, Har,” he said as he toed his boots off and dragged his shirt over his head, heading into the bathroom. I was momentarily sidetracked with the view of his body. God, he had abs for days, and I wanted to make love, with my tongue, to his ‘V’ that all my book boyfriends had. Where had that come from? God, how could I be so mad at him one minute and so enamored with him in the next breath? This love thing was so confusing!
I listened while he got in the shower, washing the bar off him like he did every night. Another thing that had changed about him. He was the type of guy that wouldn’t shower until the morning after, unless the sex he was bound to have that night got messy. I knew this, he exuded this type of gritty behavior, at least he used to. I don’t know if it’s the product of growing up in an abusive home or what, but I sought after that Deklan. I needed the hard, rough sex he had introduced me to, the sex so hard it hurt, because that was when he lost control, gave himself over to me, and I craved that. I needed him to hurt me.
Shaking my head, I heard him shut off the shower and waited for him, biding my anger, letting it fester the more I thought about all the ways he had changed and all the ways that it pissed me off. That should go into the after-suicide book as the number one thing you could do to piss off a suicider is change who you are because of them. It makes them feel hella guilty, and that guilt turns into anger.
When he climbed into bed after putting on fresh boxer briefs, I snuggled up to him, tempting him with only having on my underwear instead of a pair of his boxers, and one of his long sleeve thermals, only to have him pat my back soothingly. Pat my back?! If this was how tonight was going to go, I’d rather sleep on the couch; I knew that was guaranteed to hurt me, just not in a good way. I threw the covers back with that purpose but my feet didn’t even make it to the ground before his muscled arm wrapped around my waist, hauling me back down onto the bed.
He hovered over me, his face hidden by the darkness of the room. Only his gray eyes that saw so much were illuminated by the moonlight peeking through the blinds; it turned them the color of melted iron, giving away his ire. Good.
“Where are you going?”
“The couch,” I spat out, trying to ignore the fact that my body was reacting to his proximity. My stupid rapid breathing had the pulse in my neck thumping erratically and was hard for Deklan not to notice with the way his eyes glanced down at it. Come on, body, stand strong!
“What the fuck for?” he asked, his voice taking on that scary calm. When I didn’t readily move my lips to answer, he pressed his weight on me, warning me.
“Harley,” he threatened. I swallowed nervously. I wanted this, him to get so angry he’d stop treating me like glass. But I was still nervous as hell about pushing him, about what he’d do if I pushed him too far.
He sank himself deeper onto my body, nestling in between my legs, and crushing me in a delicious way. I loved the feel of his body fusing with mine, connecting. Our sex lately had been about us connecting, learning each other’s bodies, tickle spots, and sensitive areas but that was only part of it. There were things that I wanted to explore, things I wanted to try that I knew gentle Deklan wouldn’t do. But normal Deklan? He’d be down for just about anything.
“Are you starting this again? I thought you said you were good?” He tried to goad me. He almost got me, and I stared at him, momentarily wanting to abandon my plan until I realized what he was doing. Holding my groun
d, I tried to turn my head to the side, away from lips that were closing in on me, when he grabbed my jaw halting me and crushed his lips down on mine in a possessive and primal kiss that was over all too soon.
“Why are you doing this?” I let out a frustrated moan as he moved down to my neck, trailing kisses over my collarbone and throat. I wanted the rough tear-my-clothes-off Deklan, not the teasing me knowing-he-wasn’t-going-to-finish Deklan.
“Why were you going to the couch?” he asked as his hand slowly caressed up my thigh gripping my knee and lifting it upward, instigating another moan from me. He repeated the same process with the other leg and within two seconds, I was spread open for him. I should be ashamed that I relented so easily, but I wanted him so fucking much. Once upon a time, he had threatened to fuck me to get me to start talking, I wonder if he’d still do that.
Hurt Me: A 'Me' Novel Page 3
