Hurt Me: A 'Me' Novel

by Jeri Williams

  “So fucking good,” he muttered, caressing my jaw as I hollowed it out on another long pull.

  “I need you to ease up,” he said as he tapped my shoulder, but I wasn’t ready and took him again, bringing my hand around to grab on to his ass as an anchor. No idea where that come from, but Deklan sure as hell loved it. With a curse, he hauled me up by arms, his erection popping free from my mouth and was on me before I could protest.

  “Jeans, now.” His eyes burned with lust and desire and something else I would call love, but since he hadn't said it to me, I couldn’t tell if that’s what it was or not. My jeans and panties had barely cleared my thighs before he was lifting my legs up and over his shoulders and thrusting into me, fast and hard on a grunt.

  “Fuck, you’re tighter in this position. I can’t be gentle right now, babe; I want you too badly,” he warned. My agreement just passed my lips before he was fucking me, hard like he had our first time, as was his nature. This, this was the Deklan I had longed to release from his cage, the one that fucked me harder when I cried out for more, the pressure becoming too much and not enough all at the same time. I needed more.

  “Deklan,” I whimpered, wanting to feel him, hold him. He locked eyes with me for a second and then he pulled my jeans off the rest of the way and my legs automatically gripped him around his waist, pulling him to me, burying my face in his shoulder, my nails digging in his back as he gave me what I wanted, harder, faster and the shitty ass headboard hit the wall with each thrust. I’m pretty sure the entire motel park knew what was going on in this room.

  “Deklan, I can’t hold it, I can’t…” I bit down on his shoulder not wanting to make more noise than we already were when the hardest orgasm I have ever had tore through me. Deklan pumped into me a few more time then found his release on a roar.

  “FUCK!” he slammed into me, stilling, and I felt him fill me up, his dick jumping inside of me as he collapsed on top of me. I couldn't help what flew out of my mouth more than I could help the intense emotion.

  “I love you.” This time it was loud and clear and hung in the silence of the room except for our heavy breathing.

  “You going to pretend you didn’t say it this time?” he asked, lifting off me bearing his weight on his arms. I reached up and brushed my fingers over his face, his eyes that saw everything. And leaned up to kiss him softly on the lips. I knew he heard me last night, but I was too chicken shit to repeat what we both knew had been true from the moment we meet.

  “No. I love you, I think I was in love with you the first time I saw you. I love you,” I stated fervently.

  “I know,” he said, and my body shuddered underneath him in response. He got a peaceful look in his eyes, one I had never seen before, and then he kissed me, intertwining our fingers as he made love to me for the second time in as many days.

  Chapter 9

  Deklan

  (Linkin Park “Pushing Me away”)

  You know how some guy’s find the right girl and they say some punk ass shit like they could stay buried between their woman’s legs all day, or their woman’s pussy was heaven? Well, I’m one of those guys now. I was so content with being inside Harley, I didn’t want to move, couldn’t even think past the last hour. Good pussy does that to a man, and yeah, I was whipped, but so was she.

  “I’m pretty sure I can’t move,” Harley breathed out beside me as she rolled onto her stomach, sounding exhausted. I was torn between the urge to say thank you, or you’re welcome because, yeah, it was that good. In the end, I settled on urging her to take a shower with me.

  “Mumm…” she muttered sleepily. “Can’t we sleep first?” she whined, and I must be fucking gone for her because I found her whining cute. I don’t know what had come over me, no scratch that, Harley had come over me.

  I knew she’d had reservations about sucking me off, knew it reminded her of the many times she caught her slut mother doing it, and I was content on fucking her normal after she jacked me off, but her mouth on me, seeing those perfect fucking lips wrapped around my dick? All bets were off, and something in me broke, making me fuck her dirty and raw and coming harder than I had ever come before.

  I slapped her ass hard enough to cause her to yelp in surprise but not hard enough to hurt and eyed her. “If we stay in this bed, we won’t be sleeping. Let’s go to dinner.” I wasn’t sure what time it was but judging by what little light there was peeking through the heavy motel curtains, the sun had just set.

  “Ouch,” she complained as she got up covering herself with the sheet. She had the whole just fucked look going on, swollen lips, tousled hair, and that satisfied glow all over her body that had me wanting to say fuck the food and sink into her a few more time. Fuck, I had it bad.

  “Babe, really?” I stood in front of her, eyebrow raised, and slowly eased her grasp on the sheet until she dropped it at her feet.

  “Deklan,” she began to protest, and I knew she was about to go in about her scars that I couldn’t give a fuck about.

  “Would it make you feel any better to know that when you’re standing in front of me looking at me like that, the only thing I focus on is how wet your pussy is?”

  Her eyes went wide, and she slapped my chest. “Deklan, you are such an ass,” she said but then she softened out a yes, and me saying that stupid shit was justified. If I had to say stupid asshole shit like that every day until she was comfortable with them, with me; I would.

  Grabbing her hand, I tugged her to me and gave her a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling her toward the bathroom. Eyeing her watch, I reminded her it wasn’t waterproof and to remove it before it got fucked up. She let go of my hand, presumably to take off her watch, but when it got deadly silent behind me, I turned to her to see what was up.

  She was standing there, her arms crossed, and looking scared as shit. The fuck?

  “Babe?” she was looking everywhere but at me. Now, I knew this shit for what it was; she was hiding something. I could see it in the way she wouldn’t fucking focus on me, the way she kept fidgeting, and the way her hand kept moving up and down on the inside of her arm. Looking closer, I saw she was running her fingers over a fresh cut on her skin that I hadn’t noticed before.

  “What the fuck?” I gestured toward it, immediately becoming pissed. That had better have been a fucking accident or someone was getting my foot up their ass. My mind went to Matt, and if he had been alone with her last night when I know it wasn’t there until today, and I knew he hadn’t. Besides Matt wasn’t this type of asshole, besides, she had been with Ember all day.

  “What the fuck happened?” I asked when she just stood there like she was about two seconds from shutting the fuck down. I stalked over to her, both of us still naked and noticed that she had on one of my cuffs, suspect shit. Something was gnawing away in my mind, telling me something was fucking up, but I couldn’t quite grasp that shit.

  My mind worked overtime, trying to piece shit together. Ever since I became aware she was keeping shit from me, I had been cataloguing things, making mental notes, and now all that shit was flashing in my head like a movie on fast forward, and I was blue’s clueing shit out.

  “Take off the watch and cuff, Harley,” I said calmly, as dread built up in my stomach. I don’t know why I was so fucking calm, but I knew once she did, the calm was not going to last.

  She hesitated, clutching her arms around herself before she shook her head no.

  “Don’t make me ask twice, Harley.” I was losing my fucking patience because what I thought what was going on couldn’t be fucking it.

  “Deklan, please…don’t make me,” she begged, fucking begged me, and that little voice people get in the back of their head telling them something they don’t want to hear was fucking screaming at me that my fears, what I had been fighting to prevent from happening was fucking happening anyway.

  “Hand to God, if I have to rip the shit off myself, I will. Do it. Now,” I ground out, fully aware that I was making this shit ten time worse,
but right then I couldn’t give two shits about it.

  Slowly, as her tears rolled down her face, she removed first the watch then my cuff, dropping them both on the floor. She stood there, hands at her side, and looked down at her feet, her shoulders hunched over in shame.

  “Show me,” I demanded. I knew, fuck I knew, but I needed to see.

  She turned her arms so her palms were facing out, and I saw little fresh cuts on both her wrists, too thin and deliberate to be an accident. I closed my eyes, trying to reign in my fucking temper, but it didn’t do shit. I was shot back to that night when I’d found her fucking dying on her room floor, and I lost my shit.

  “If you want to die so fucking badly, jump off a bridge; it’s faster.” She jumped at my tone; it was the first time she had flinched from me since it had all gone down, but fuck it, I couldn’t bring myself to care. All that tiptoeing around her was done. All that fucking gentleness I’d been doing so shit like this wouldn’t happen was fucking gone. I was fucking stupid to think that I could fucking help her.

  “I don’t,” she said, moving to cover herself.

  I angrily stalked around the room, throwing on my clothes. “Then what the fuck are you doing?!” I yelled.

  “I don’t know! I can’t explain it, I just needed something… the fallout from my mom, and then I have all these feelings and us and her death and I just… needed to calm the chaos. The pain helps me in a way…”

  “That I don’t.”

  “No, you do help me.” She rushed to clarify, but it was too late, she’d already said that shit, even if she didn’t actually say it. I was supposed to fucking help her by being gentle and turns out, I fucking made it worse. See what happens when I try to be someone I’m not, I still fuck up, no matter what I do. But this wasn’t all on me.

  “Don’t give me that shit. If that were true then why the fuck didn’t you tell me? Why the fuck didn’t you turn to me instead of that?” I pointed angrily at her wrists then yanked on my boots and paced to try and work off some of what I was feeling. I felt like a grenade whose pin had just been pulled. I knew I was getting ready to explode.

  “You’ve been so different, angry one minute and gentle and caring the next. I didn’t want to do anything to disrupt that.” She tried to explain; I wasn’t trying to hear that shit.

  “I haven’t been angry,” I spat. “I’ve been pissed, beyond pissed.” Since we were laying shit out in the open now, it was time for me to flip this shit. “I’ve been pissed since that night I held you in my arms, fucking begging you to fight for your life, pissed since I bought you home, and you refused to eat or drink anything for the first few days. Pissed because all you would fucking do is stare out that fucking window like it held the answers to the fucking universe in it. But I held back, because I didn’t want to hurt you. So no, Harley, I haven’t been angry, I’ve been fucking livid.”

  “I don’t understand.” But the look on her face told me otherwise. Harley was a smart chick, I knew she got what I was laying down; she just didn’t want to go there. Well, too bad.

  I laughed bitterly. “You don’t get it; you tried to kill yourself…you...” I broke off, the truth too real in my throat.

  “I know that,” she said defensively. “But I couldn’t do it any more Deklan, my mom, she… she didn’t love me and, I thought…”

  “You fucking had me!” I exploded, too wound with emotion to stop myself from punching a hole into the wall next to me, causing Harley to jump back.

  “You had me,” I said, picking up my keys and shoving my wallet in my pocket. I was done. If I talked about this shit anymore, I would destroy this entire fucking room, and I would lose her, fuck, if I hadn’t already.

  “Deklan, please,” she cried when I paused with my hand on the door.

  “You know why I’ve been so pissed? Because when you tried to kill yourself, you didn’t just try and take away your pain, your suffering, which I fucking get, believe me. But what you don’t get is that you tried to take yourself away from me.”

  With that, I walked out.

  Deklan

  (Apocalyptica “Not Strong Enough”)

  I had shit to say, I couldn’t think straight, and I had no idea where the fuck I was going. I just drove, and a part of me knew just leaving like that, especially after what just went down, would do more damage to Harley because she needed someone with her right now.

  Fuck.

  I called my brother; he picked up on the third ring.

  “What’s up bro, I was just talking about you. Want to come hang out with me at Wake? I made some new friends,” he yelled over the music and chicks blaring in the background.

  “Tell your girl to go over to the motel and sit with Harley tonight.” I got straight to the point because the more I thought about it, the more I knew that I should just do the shit myself, but I couldn’t.

  “Hold on.” He shuffled, and I knew he was walking outside, which was confirmed as the music died down, and I could hear him better.

  “What’s up?” He sounded concerned. Touching.

  “Have Ember go sit with Harley; she needs someone with her.” Because I couldn’t.

  “Why, what’s up?”

  “Not you’re fucking business.” I flexed my hand on the steering wheel and felt the dull ache from the wall punch, but it wasn’t enough.

  “See, she’s pissed at me; we kinda broke up and she…”

  “I don’t give a shit. Just call her,” I said before hanging up. I didn’t have the disposition for this shit right now. I drove with no destination in mind for what felt like minutes, but looking at the clock told me it was hours, my mind running through shit like a bad True Life episode. It didn’t take me long to know that I had fucked up and handled shit wrong, but that didn’t mean I could just go back and act like nothing ever fucking happened either. I’d wanted to help her, but in the end, I wound up hurting her when that was the last fucking thing that I wanted to do.

  Fuck. Anger rode me hard, and part of me knew it was misplaced, that I wasn’t pissed at her for taking the pills that night. I was pissed at myself for leaving her, pissed because I knew that I should have done more, that I was too chill about that shit when I should have known better. I hated that she felt she had to resort to this shit, that she couldn’t see how much she meant to me, how much I loved her. I’d never told her, but I’d thought she could see it in the way I held her, the way I watched her; fuck, I should have admitted it to her and to myself. I should have told her that same night I realized it, but it shook me; scared the fuck out of me because everything I touched I fucked up and a part of me wanted to keep her untainted by me for as long as possible. Yeah, that back fucking fired.

  Her face ran through my head as I turned down familiar streets: her smile, her lips, the way she blushed when she was embarrassed when I said something assholeish, knowing she secretly loved it. Her body, soft and small, wrapped around me sleeping. Everything about her flashed through my mind, but most of all were her eyes, so expressive and powerful and all it had taken was one look.

  Somehow, probably because I was looking for a fight, I wound up parked outside of Royce’s house, remembering the last time I was here. At this moment, I wish my Ma were still alive because I would love to ask her to help me out with this shit. I knew that even though I loved Harley, this was just too much for me to fix; I wasn’t enough. But my Ma wouldn’t be there and I was still gassed up, so I walked in like I fucking owned the place, wishing my old man would come at me.

  The house was quite. Without Ma in it, there was no need for Matt to constantly be here or for nurses or caretakers to be in and out. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if Royce was here. But if the door was unlocked, because Royce believed in his good neighbor no one would dare motto, he had to be home. I stalked through the house being loud as fuck, not really giving a shit, looking for him. I don’t really know what I was expecting to do when I did found him, but I knew I needed to; it was like something was guiding me because thi
s, whatever this was, needed to be done.

  After searching the entire downstairs, which consisted of his study, sitting room, family room, kitchen, and maid’s quarters, yeah, he had one of those, I went upstairs. I figured he’d be in the library that had turned into my mom’s room when she had gotten really sick and required hospital equipment and constant care, but when I walked through the double doors it was empty. It was eerily clean; all traces of my mother and her struggle were gone; the only thing indicating there had been anything in the room other than books was the big space where all the equipment and bed had been.

  Being back here, the last place I had spoken to my mom was fucking with me, and the longer I stood here, the more regret crushed me because I missed her bad, and I needed her to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that I could handle this shit with Harley because…I couldn’t lose her.

  I closed the door before I gave in and curled up in a ball in the middle of the floor with remorse, and after checking Matt’s old room and coming up empty, I went to my old room intent on getting my old books and shit to take back with me. Now that I knew I defiantly wouldn’t ever come back here, I wanted my shit.

  I opened the door and came up short at the sight of Royce passed the fuck out on my bed. For a minute, just a minute, I thought his ass was dead, and I wasn’t sure what emotion ran through me at that thought. But on closer inspection, I saw the slow rise and fall of his chest then peeped the empty scotch bottle that must have fallen from his hands on the floor.

  So this is what Matt had been talking about? He’d become a drunk? So fucking what. I wish I could say that he was drunk half my life; it would explain the beatings but no, Royce never touched to the stuff other than the occasional one or two for a function or to wind down.

  I wanted to box his ass in the face just because, but what would be the point if he didn’t feel it or see me do it? I went to the closet, still wanting my books but stopped when he stirred awake.