“You don’t need to be somebody else! For Christ’s sake, you only need to stop pushing away the person you really are. Remy must be so frustrated with you.”
Jed’s smile slipped. “He must hate me.”
“Who could hate you?” Melanie grabbed his face and gave it a sisterly squeeze. “Honestly, I’m only bickering with you about this because I love you so damn much. Go talk to him. Tell him what you told me. It’s okay to let somebody see you were afraid. It’s okay to need them.” She paused. “Not every guy is like Buddy. Don’t get so stuck, Jed, that you can’t make changes.”
Jed stood. “You’re right. Just hope he can forgive me for being an idiot.”
“Won’t be the last time.” Melanie gave a grin.
Jed raked his hand through his hair. If he saw Remy right now, he’d tell him how sorry and stupid he’d been. It was dumb to pick a fight because his emotions had been too big, too overwhelming. But Jed had always lived a tidy sort of life, deciding with his head and not his heart. How he felt about Remy was new and raw. Jed hadn’t figured out what to do. He usually worked through his emotions in small steps. They hadn’t gotten the chance to introduce it slowly to the outside world; the outside world had come to them all at once. Jed cursed softly. Remy wasn’t like him. He didn’t think things through. He led with his heart.
Jed owed Remy the same. He could begin to lead with his heart.
In his hurry, Jed nearly collided with Buddy. “I thought you already went?”
“I’m about to,” Buddy replied.
“Have you seen Remy?” Jed asked. Asking anything of Buddy made him damn uncomfortable, but finding Remy was more important..
“We did. Now we’re leaving.”
Only then did Jed realize Buddy wasn’t alone. Jed’s eyes narrowed as he recognized Nicky. What’s he doing here? He didn’t like Nicky being here one bit.
“What the hell’s up with Remy?” Nicky put his hands on his hips as he turned to Buddy. “I can’t believe him!”
Buddy scratched his head. “I thought we could talk sense into Remy, thought he’d be ready to get the hell outa here. But he was acting all edgy.” Buddy slid Jed a suspicious look. “He hasn’t been taking anything while on the ranch, has he?”
“What? Do you mean drugs? Hell no.”
“Maybe he wouldn’t be aware of it.” Nicky gave a tiny sniff in Jed’s direction.
“This is my ranch,” Jed replied. “I’m aware of everything that goes on.”
“Whatever.” Nicky strung the word out, pronouncing each syllable with disdain. A real tell of his character. “Whether he’s high or not, I’ll see Remy in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, is there anybody else important here to talk to? I’m so bored.” Nicky whined to Buddy.
Jed hated Nicky’s smug tone and the flatness of his expression as he spoke Remy’s name.
Nicky had a darting, cunning gaze as he looked around for “anybody else,” and Jed realized, Nicky was not a thing like Remy. One wanted to exploit situations, the other wanted to prove his worth. Both men were beautiful on the surface, but Nicky’s pretty face held empty eyes, while Remy’s gaze made Jed go warm inside.
“Nah, Nicky, sorry, pal. We’ll go. And don’t worry. Remy will come to his senses,” Buddy said this last part, as if daring Jed to challenge him.
Buddy had witnessed the kiss with Remy same as the rest of his family, yet he asked about drugs being a factor for Remy’s behavior, not about a relationship with Jed. Did Buddy think so little of Jed? Was it impossible for Buddy to picture Remy wanting to be with him in a significant way? Probably. Men like Buddy couldn’t understand feelings that had no price tag.
Jed quietly studied his father. He didn’t feel the usual anger. Where had it gotten him? To guard himself from hurt, he had been willing to be lonely.
Buddy frowned when Jed didn’t rise to the bait.
“Have a safe flight,” Jed said and thrust out his hand. He and Buddy shook once, briskly, and then Jed turned away.
Relieved Remy had waited for him to explain, Jed went in search of him. Maybe it wasn’t too late? He’d grab Remy around the waist, kiss him fiercely, and make him understand. But twenty minutes later, Jed still hadn’t found him. Not anywhere. Remy should be walking toward him in that loose-hipped stride of his, dressed in something that shimmered or glittered, a teasing swag of a walk.
God, Jed wanted him. He would convince Remy to forgive him and then take him to bed. They’d make love all damn night, and in the morning, Jed would bake bread and share the buttery, warm slices with Remy as they talked about everything Jed had avoided for so long.
A ripple of unease went through him. Where the heck was Remy?
After searching the house and barn, Jed stood with his feet planted, scanning the horizon. The sun would set in an hour, and the wind would pick up. Even if the day was hot, the nights could still be cold. A meow sounded, and Jed spun around as Oscar greeted him, wrapping around Jed’s legs. With a shaky hand, Jed scooped Oscar up and pressed his face into his fur.
“Where’s our guy?”
When Oscar only purred, Jed set the cat down and continued to look.
Maybe Remy hadn’t left with Buddy, but he’d left the ranch? Gone to a hotel to cool off or something? If so, Jed would track him down. Be apologetic. He could tell Remy how he truly felt. He could do that.
His love for Remy wasn’t something he needed to fight or protect himself against. He remembered Remy’s arrival, his fake smile, the anxiety in his dark eyes, the hopeful way he’d smiled. The way Remy had touched him—that touch was as real as the land under his feet, the land he loved.
At that moment, Butterscotch came barreling his way. The horse looked spooked, his saddle on and slightly askew, his breathing hard snorts.
Jed leapt toward him. “What the hell?”
Only then did he notice Remy’s glittery handkerchief tied to the saddle.
He wasted no time saddling up another horse.
If anything happens to him…. Jed pressed his lips together, trying to stem the panic building in his gut. He rode hard and fast, calling Remy’s name in a broken voice.
Chapter Sixteen
REMY gave Butterscotch a nudge. One final ride. He wanted to see Jed’s favorite spot again before he left. Even with his jacket gone, it might not have been so smart to ride still dressed in fancy clothes. Remy tossed away his stupid tie and unbuttoned his shirt. He tied the fancy handkerchief to Butterscotch’s saddle with a small grin.
“Now you’re as fancy as me.”
Butterscotch whinnied in agreement.
His smile slipped a little as he rode onward.
Remy thought of Jed’s firm voice, his steady hands, his warmth. He refused to think about the cold sound of Jed ending things.
He had no clue exactly how to get both things back on track, but he would. He would figure it out. He would change his life instead of passively accepting it. His tentative plan was to let Jed miss him for a few weeks, see how dumb and stubborn he was being, and then return to him.
Remy’s smile returned as he increased Butterscotch’s speed. He let the horse trot, whereas he used to be afraid.
As they trotted, Remy tried to empty his mind of all his confused feelings. He couldn’t put his plan into action right now, not when Jed’s harsh words weren’t so easy to forgive, not when they were still so fresh and blistered his heart.
He wished Jed didn’t shield himself so much. If they talked or touched, Remy was pretty certain he could get through to him. But what if he couldn’t find the right words even after a cooling-off period? Remy inhaled the sharp smell of the trees and tried to appreciate the beauty all around him.
What if he left Jed to himself for a time, hoping Jed would miss him, only to find Jed painfully indifferent? Despite his resolve to relax, the doubts were like prickly shadows. This land was sacred to Jed. For that reason above any other, Remy would miss it. So he drank in the sight of the mountains and trees, appreciating how vastl
y different this part of California was from LA. The stillness of the air and the light—that he would miss. The way the gold of the sunlight weaved through the leaves. He would miss the sound of the birds in the morning and the color of the rocks and their odd edges and peaks. Maybe it wasn’t only because of Jed that he would mourn losing this place? The land had comforted him.
Remy drew in a breath. “Please,” he said, as if he could beg to not feel the loss. He gazed at the shade of trees ahead and urged Butterscotch to head for it. Remy heard the softy rustling of the wind like a whisper in his ear.
He remembered Jed’s expression when he’d spoken of his perfect spot, how he cupped the side of Remy’s face, how tenderly he’d kissed him. That day had been so beautiful, so good. Why couldn’t days like that ever last?
When Butterscotch misstepped, his hoof catching in a prairie dog hole, Remy could do nothing as they both toppled over the embankment onto the hard ground. His teeth clattered together, and Remy’s breath was knocked from him. He stared at the vast blue sky, uncomprehending for a moment, before forcing out a breath.
Remy’s left shoulder burned immediately, and Butterscotch was already on his feet, snorting, which was a good sign for the gelding.
With a hot throbbing radiating through his entire arm, Remy realized he couldn’t ride back to the ranch. He was too inexperienced to ride with one hand and a bad shoulder.
The horse made a sound, lowering his head and snorting.
“It’s okay, boy,” he called, gesturing to the horse. Then Remy let out a surprised yelp as his shoulder reminded him not to move his arm so jerkily, and Butterscotch bolted.
Remy tried to get to his feet, looking around for a stick to use for leverage. The aching in his arm was worse. He moved his fingers, and that didn’t cause much pain. They still worked. Cautiously, Remy tested his arm again, raising it much slower than he had when gesturing to Butterscotch, and that burst of pain wasn’t there, so long as he moved with care. He would be okay, thank God, just sore as hell.
Remy began to walk. A few steps. But his ankle began to throb along with his shoulder with every step. He took a ragged breath, suddenly realizing he didn’t know exactly where he was or how to get back to the ranch. He was alone, and night was falling.
The rocks and dirt crunched under his feet. Was he even heading in the right direction?
Ignoring the intense urge to throw up from panic, Remy hissed loudly as he pushed past it.
He stopped walking and feebly called Butterscotch’s name. The horse would know which way to go. With no answer, Remy decided to rest a moment and lowered his body to the grass. He examined his swelling ankle with a grimace. He understood instinctively that when night came, he’d be in deep shit.
He rubbed his thumb at his ankle, wishing Jed were here. How had everything become so wrong between them? How could it all be made right?
That was when Remy heard his name being called, strong and insistent, over and over.
Jed.
Jed had come for him. He wanted to leap to his feet, but his ankle wouldn’t let him. So Remy shouted Jed’s name, over and over, just as Jed had shouted his.
Jed appeared, bringing Samson to an abrupt halt as he saw Remy sitting in the grass and dirt.
It was like being squeezed with a vise in the heart, in the nuts.
“You all right?” Jed called, moving to him.
He managed to nod.
Jed was here in front of him. His eyes intense, hands balled into fists, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Remy tried to speak or make a smart remark, but his throat was dry. His mouth wouldn’t work.
“I thought you’d left.”
“I thought you wanted me to.”
“I didn’t. My pride and my skull are both pretty thick….” Jed cleared his throat. “You hurt?”
“A little. My ankle. And my shoulder, but I’m okay. Bruised.”
Jed scooped Remy into his arms. His touch was gentle. They had both gone silent as Jed carried him to where Samson waited.
Jed lifted Remy to ride in front of him on Samson.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” Jed said near his ear, cradling Remy as they slowly made their way to the ranch.
There was nobody left from the reception when they returned. Only their pets greeted them. Remy shot Jed a small smile at the way Hagrid and Oscar carried on, but Jed’s eyes flicked away, and Remy couldn’t tell if he saw Remy smile or not.
“I’ll help you to bed. Ice and Advil will do the trick, although we should have a doctor examine you tomorrow, just to be sure.”
“No doctors. Look—” Remy moved his arm without wincing much, and the pain really had lessened. “It’s all right.”
“Still….” Jed shook his head. “Promise me that you’ll never ride alone like that again.”
Remy’s throat closed over, an ache there that hurt more than his ankle or shoulder. He felt the sting of tears at his eyes and brushed them away.
“Will I be riding here again?” he said at last, lifting his chin, challenging Jed to be honest with him.
Jed said nothing. He swiftly moved to Remy’s side, and sat on the bed, lowered his weight next to Remy. He held Remy’s face with his hands and stared into his eyes.
“I love you,” Jed said. Remy caught his breath. He had been expecting one last fight. But he had been wrong. Jed was ready for the truth to be said. Dirty, confused, and amazed—Remy simply took the words in, as Jed started to touch him with tentative caresses.
So Remy began to touch him back. They moved cautiously, handling each other as if they were breakable. Then Jed’s arms circled Remy’s waist, a warmth being created between their bodies and their breaths mixing right before they kissed. They had so much to talk over, to forgive, to fix. But for this moment, Remy allowed Jed to hold him and bury his face at Remy’s chest.
“It’s all okay. I’m here.”
“You’re here,” Jed agreed. “Where you belong.”
Chapter Seventeen
“CAN you forgive me? This was my fault.”
Remy traced the side of Jed’s face. “I’ll forgive you. We can go back as if it never happened.”
“No,” Jed said solemnly. “What I did stands as a reminder. To go forward and start again.”
He’d spent his adult life taking care of what everybody else needed, from his mother and sister down to his horses. Sometimes to be happy, you had to go after happy.
Jed kissed Remy with a tenderness he’d never known before. The kiss was long and melting and had Remy panting for breath.
“Jesus, Jed.”
Jed was also breathing raggedly, and he watched as Remy fought for some control. Remy’s nostrils flared, and he held a hand to his chest as if it hurt. Jed knew exactly how it felt. His own heart ached.
“I want you. I want nothing but you,” Jed whispered. “I should have told you how badly I wanted you to stay instead of trying to do what I imagined was right. Because we’re good together. We’re what matters.”
Jed clutched Remy close.
“I’m so nervous.” Remy gave a shaky laugh.
“Don’t be. I got you. We screwed up before,” Jed said, a small catch in his voice, “but this is our second chance.”
Remy nodded and reached out a hand for Jed’s. Jed took it willingly.
“I thought all we could have was a few stolen moments on my ranch. I didn’t dare to hope….”
“Yeah, same for me.”
Jed stroked Remy’s cheek. “I didn’t think I deserved this. After watching my parents’ marriage and seeing the way they were with each other… I didn’t think what we might have even existed.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean this kind of emotion, so raw and real, it was hard for me to have faith. But I do now. I’m not letting you go again,” Jed said.
“And I’m not going to let you.” Remy smiled, his eyes soft and hopeful.
Jed undressed him slowly, kissing every inch of exposed skin as he went,
especially careful with Remy’s ankle and shoulder. When they were naked, they simply stared at each other. It all felt like the first time. Gentle and new.
Jed trailed his fingers along Remy’s chest and stomach. He wanted to cherish every inch of skin. Remy closed his eyes and sighed before pressing his mouth to the side of Jed’s neck. They shared this moment, their breaths in synch.
They embraced, hugging, not a bit of space between their bodies.
“I need you,” Remy whispered. “Shit, I really do.”
“I’m here,” Jed whispered back. “And I need you too. I never wanted to need like this. Love anybody like this.”
“Our lifestyles are still—”
“We’ll figure it out. Together.”
“Together,” Remy echoed.
“We can take it slowly. However you want.”
“I want you to keep touching me.” Remy’s voice roughened.
Jed hesitated. “Are you sure? What about your shoulder?”
“It throbs. But not as much as something else.” He gave Jed his teasing grin.
“Be serious. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m happy simply to stay with you.”
“I am being serious. Not touching me? That would hurt a whole lot more. Make me yours.”
Remy’s words were so sweet Jed could taste them. Oh God, he hadn’t lost Remy after all. Emotion rose in Jed as he began to caress Remy.
Jed savored the sounds Remy made. He nibbled at Remy’s inner thighs, stroked the side of his rib cage. Jed loved him so much. The world might own Remy Sean the brand, but he had the real Remy in his arms, and Jed would never let him go again. Whatever the sacrifices.
All that counted was the way they wanted each other. From this moment on, they’d be honest. “Tell me what you want. You give the orders. You make the decisions.”
Remy groaned. He bit his lip as if to stop himself and shook his head.
“Come on, darlin’. Tell me. You’re so beautiful, Remy. Let me give you everything.”
Rocking the Cowboy Page 15
