“I'm just as worried as you are,” she whispered.
“I hate you being mad at me Cadence. Tell me how I can make us better.”
She shook her head. “Don't get sweet on me. I can't stand it. Makes me want to cave on everything I'm feeling.”
“And what is everything you're feeling?”
“We should be focusing on Orlando.”
“Cadence,” JD said sharply, and it caused her to meet his gaze with her own. “We need to resolve this, or we're not going to be able to deal with anything else properly. I don't like sitting and not knowing. Please, talk to me.”
Her eyes closed. She couldn't stand staring into his hazel eyes and seeing all of the blind faith he had in her, held in his gaze. It broke her heart, and it made what she needed to say to him all the more difficult to do.
Taking in a deep breath, she said everything on her mind. “You're my best friend, and I love you deeply, but taking this adventure with you was a mistake. We moved way too fast, and I don't like who I am anymore when I'm with you. It's like my personal identity has become so involved around you, that I don't know how to be myself when I'm not with you. And when I am, I don't have the same kind of confidence I had. Don't you miss how we used to be? At all? Even a tiny bit?”
“We can have that back. It's not impossible. Give me a chance, and we'll go back.”
“I gave you my virginity,” she whispered sharply. “That is not something you can go back from. We can't pretend none of that stuff ever happened. Once you take that leap with someone, it makes or breaks the relationship. Ours is broken.”
JD stepped back, stumbling a little, his hand dropping away from hers and to his side. “Don't talk like this. You're kind of freaking me out. We aren't broken. We can fix it. Everything can be fixed!”
She shook her head. “No, it can't. There are some things that break, and even if you try to repair them the cracks will always be there. Some are more noticeable than others, but they're still there. I'm not going to make you give me what I've been wanting for so long. It won't mean the same thing if I tell you and force it out.”
“Please tell me anyway. I'll find a way. Please, don't...we aren't broken.”
They both were quiet for a long time. “You want to know?” she finally asked.
“More than anything,” he whispered.
“All I wanted was for you to tell me you loved me. That I was yours. And now I need space from this...whatever this was...since I was never your girlfriend...and figure out who I am again.” Cadence moved further away from him, and when she was unable to take the sight of his wide glossy eyes and dropped jaw any longer, she turned away from him, wanting to flee. So she did, and walked as quickly as she could down the hallway to go back to class.
JD continued to stand there. She glanced over her shoulder at him once, and his expression never changed.
“If this is about a label Cadence, all you had to do was ask for one. I'd have given it to you. I'd give anything to you,” he called after her.
He doesn't understand, she thought, shaking her head. When she got back to her desk and saw the heart shaped cookie he'd brought her, tears filled her eyes.
“For you, my heart. I know it seems cannibalistic and gross, but then it'll be inside of you always.” His words echoed in her mind. That had been all she had wanted from him as well as some kind of solid commitment.
Maybe I should go back and say I'm sorry. Take him back, change my mind. She shook her head and pulled out her notebook so she could get back to work. No, there's more to it. Being an ‘us’ should have never happened. It was a huge mistake. I can't cave no matter how much I love him. This is for the best for both of us. If I go back, then all of the insecurity and identity problems will only return.
But if that were true, then why did she feel so dead inside?
Chapter Twelve
Alan told Sir Tuliy all of the events from the last meeting with his charges. Normally, he didn't like getting so emotionally involved when talking business, but it felt nice to get things off of his chest. Stress was a factor everyone on the ship had to deal with, but not everyone could do so effectively. His growing friendship with Sir Tuliy provided him with a confidant for most things.
“So now my charges are usually fighting, and things are a bit awkward if they aren't. I'm trying to remain the voice of reason, but I'm kind of angry at them. How could they be so selfish as to pursue a relationship under this kind of setting? Especially one so immaturely acted upon,” Alan said.
Sir Tuliy was quiet, and his face was hard to read. It was expressionless, and his body was stiff. “They're young and have been friends for a long time. A high pressure situation would create the perfect catalyst for them to do something without thinking. I'm only sorry it resulted in so many hurt feelings, and that it might cause problems with our upcoming task.”
“I'm going to leave Cadence behind and bring the others,” Alan said. “She's of more use to me researching anyway. I can bounce back and forth with ease to check on her as needed.”
“I would be more than happy to stay behind to watch her as well,” Sir Tuliy offered.
“Won't you be needed on the field?”
The other man shook his head. “No. It has been requested I run the ship in Sir Orioltogorthan's absence.”
Alan couldn't hold in his groan. “I was hoping he wouldn't be coming on the mission.”
“I'm sure, but I think it would be good for him to actually watch you and your charges in action, then he might understand more of what you do.”
“I know you're right, but I'm not looking forward to it,” Alan said. The scrutiny of their superior was sometimes a lot for him to handle. With Sir Tuliy not going, Alan would probably face a lot more of it than he had as of late. Hopefully the break he'd given his charges over the weekend was enough for them to collect their emotions and sort out all of the drama that was going on amongst the group.
Tuliy shrugged. “Not many of us here on the ship do look forward to spending time with him. He tends to make me uncomfortable, to be honest. I respect him as an authority, but he would not be the type of man I'd seek the company of on my own. Honestly, he's not as scary as he comes off. Not in the way you're thinking at least.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don't think he would do anything to hurt you or your reputation here on the ship. No matter what differences he may have with your father, he's honorable. At the same time, there's something off about him that troubles me. I can't quite put my finger on it, though. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything.” Tuliy stepped back into his room for a moment before returning to the den. His eyes were narrowed, and the concerned expression was enough for Alan to not be able to forget their conversation. If Sir Oriol troubled Tuliy, then Alan needed to be even more on guard than before.
He went into the kitchen to start preparing a snack. The plan for the day was to take a quick break before going to visit his charges and see if they were doing better. Orlando's school would be his first stop, since he had to figure out how he wanted to observe Bean and Sprout in their daily life as well. He needed to understand his enemy.
Tuliy settled onto the couch. “You're to call your father as well today.”
The news made Alan stop what he was doing. He put down the snack he was preparing and stared at his friend. “What do you mean, I'm supposed to call my father?”
His father was on another ship somewhere else in the galaxy. The last Alan had heard, he was in Earth's orbit as well but in another location. Communication between the two of them was sparse and usually in the form of letters, never through a video call. Even though his father was a high ranking military officer, Alan did not get special privileges to speak with him, and that was how he preferred things. Alan didn't want special treatment. The last thing he needed was more animosity between him and his comrades.
“Sir Orioltogorthan said that your father wishes to speak with you,” Sir Tuliy said. “You are to call him as
soon as you are able. I have a 'phone' in the room here, if you'd rather speak without anyone breathing down your neck?”
“Yes,” Alan said stiffly. “I would like that very much. Give me a few minutes.”
“It will take that long to set it up.” His friend gave him a smile, but Alan had a hard time reciprocating it. He wasn't sure why exactly. Tuliy was nothing but nice to him. Sometimes it threw him off balance because Tuliy's emotions were much more pure than Alan would have ever imagined. The guy was a military genius. Shouldn't he have been more hardened? Or was Alan some kind of special exception for the simple reason that they were in fact friends?
Back home, Alan wasn't the most popular of people, so he might have not understood friendship anyway. His father's powerful military status caused Alan some strife in school. He also wasn't the most social in nature, which apparently made him undesirable to be around. Getting close to people just wasn't something that came easy for him.
Tuliy seemed to be the opposite. Where people avoided Alan, they flocked to Tuliy. The young man knew exactly what to say and when. He could captivate an audience, hold a conversation without showing signs of boredom, and display genuine interest in the feelings of others. Once again, Alan was more than a little jealous of his comrade.
Alan stared down at his snack and exhaled slowly, no longer feeling hungry in the slightest. He hadn't eaten much during the day, however, so he forced himself to eat a food called crackers with a spread called peanut butter. It was a food high in calories, but also protein, and it would hopefully keep him satisfied until dinner. The crackers were bland, but at least his stomach stopped growling. Now it only churned from nerves.
He moved into the den and saw Tuliy pushing a few buttons on a remote control. The young man motioned for Alan to stand in front of a large screen.
“Are you ready?” Sir Tuliy asked.
With a nod, Alan took in a deep breath. “I believe so.” He ran a hand over his hair to make sure it was smooth, and also checked his outfit over to make sure it wasn't inappropriate. The usual black pants and dark red vest would be okay, right? Or should he be more formal to respect the high rank the man held?
“Relax, he's your father,” Tuliy said in a soft voice. He pushed a button, and the screen came to life. For a moment, all it showed was a lime green color. Soon an office appeared. A second after that, his father stepped into view.
For a moment, all Alan could do was stare. It'd been a long time since he'd last seen either of his parents in 'person'. The man didn't look much different than the pictures Alan carried with him, except a few more gray hairs and he looked tired. The gentleness he usually carried was still present however, and Alan felt silly for even worrying in the first place. Tuliy was right. This was his father. Why be so afraid?
Alan swallowed. “You wished for me to call, Father, I mean, S-sir.”
“You may address me informally. It's just us after all,” his father said gently.
It wasn't, Tuliy was there too, but why would he say anything to get Alan in trouble? “All right, Father. How can I help you?”
“My son, you have changed more than your letters have let on.” His father laughed. “I can't remember the last time you were so patient and respectful of me.”
“Life with Sir Orioltogorthan has taught me a lot of things,” Alan said softly. “One of them being that I do need to respect my elders a lot more than I ever have in the past. I apologize for being so rude back home. I didn't understand. Now, please, tell me how I can help you. This can't be just for pleasantries or else it wouldn't be happening. Why did you ask me to call?”
His father nodded slowly, and Alan couldn't help but wonder if he was being critiqued. “Always to the point. Of course there is a reason I requested for you to talk with me. I wanted to give you the good news in person. I will be one of the commanding officers on your next mission.”
“W-what?” Alan couldn't help but blink, startled. His father would be there with him, physically, instead of on the other side of a foreign planet. He couldn't even remember the last time they'd been together in a manner where they could actually touch. It had been before Alan joined the military, that much was certain. When the war broke out, his father had left to do his part long before Alan became of age to join.
“I am going to help lead your next mission. Don't worry, I will not be micromanaging you and getting in the way of your task, but I did want to tell you in advance, so that it wasn't such a shock when you actually saw me during the debriefing.”
“Thank you for your courtesy. It probably wouldn't have gone well to have such a surprise in the middle of the meeting,” Alan said.
“Precisely what I was thinking. I don't have to rush off now, so if you have time, I would like to hear about how things are going for you.”
“Not much differently than the last letter I sent.” Alan rubbed at his arms, trying to hide all of his discomfort.
His father laughed, and Alan couldn't quite figure out why. “Son, you don't tell me much of anything in your letters. This is a secure connection. No one is listening in or going to censor you. Be honest with me. How is life on the ship for you?”
“Good,” he said. Now it is at least, but Alan kept that thought private. He didn't want his father to worry about him, when he needed to focus on his work. “I've moved to new quarters which is where I'm taking this call.”
“Is that where you are? How, what's the word I heard, swanky. You and your roommate must have been working hard to earn such fancy arrangements, especially one that has an intergalactic communicator.”
“It can only send and receive messages from ships in a pathetically close range,” Sir Tuliy said with a laugh.
“Was that him?” his father asked.
Alan nodded slightly. “Yes.”
“May I meet him?”
“Sure,” he mumbled and waved Tuliy over, so the man could put a face to the voice.
His father already new Sir Tuliy however. “Junior Tuliyogljaes, I didn't realize you were assigned to my son.”
“Not initially, but we were able to request a transfer.” Tuliy saluted. “I won't take up any more of your time. I should not have interrupted, my apologies.”
“Don't, I'm glad to see my boy making such fine connections. These are the kinds of things he doesn't tell me about in his letters,” his father said and looked pointedly at Alan.
Stepping back, Alan's gaze dropped to his feet. “I didn't want you to make a big deal about it. We're friends, nothing more. I haven't earned a better position here. Please don't turn the news into something it's not. I'm still nothing but your ordinary son.”
“You've never been ordinary.”
Alan shifted his weight between his feet, his brow furrowed. “Was it always in the plan for you to come along on this mission?”
His father sighed and shook his head, though Alan got the feeling it was done out of disappointment instead of for the simple purpose of answering his question. “One of the commanding officers from the Nassalmvan, the gold tribe as you know, has a family emergency to take care of on Earth. He is one of the ambassadors to Earth and has been helpful with locations as well as cultural education. Most of his work has been spent talking with the Earth officials who are aware of our presence. The emergency has left him distraught and worried. It needs to be dealt with, and while that is being done, I have decided to be useful to the cause, rather than pace impatiently and wait for answers.”
“Oh,” Alan whispered. For some reason that made him feel a lot better. He's only coming to be useful. I can respect that.
“I wouldn't step on your toes,” his father said. “You should know that.”
“Yes, of course I do, but...” He wasn't sure how to phrase everything that was on his mind. “I wasn't sure if you were coming by to check up on me, or to visit with my superiors.” His father snorted when Alan said 'visit'. They both knew that wouldn't be what would happen if the man was ever alone in the room with Sir Oriol. T
here would be fighting, especially if his father knew of all the poor treatment Alan had received prior to his transfer into Tuliy's room. Alan refused to talk about any of it until after the war was over, then there'd be a lot of time to share stories of silly things like sharing a living space with female strangers.
His father shook his head and laughed some more, a strange sound. The people on Alan's ship were far too serious. Hardly anyone smiled or told a joke. Being with Tuliy was a breath of fresh air in that while their relationship was still on a more serious level, at least it was friendly in nature. Seeing JD and his other charges reminded Alan of being young again. He wasn't that much older than the teenagers, only three years, which hardly made him ancient in comparison. Back home, it would be acceptable for him to have a little fun while he worked. On Earth, it was expected for him to enjoy himself. On the ship, that kind of behavior was apparently unacceptable.
After a few seconds of laughing, his father finally spoke again. “I've never felt a need to check in. You've always been more than capable of succeeding at whatever you decide to try your hand at. Granted, I was surprised at first that you even wanted to serve, but I think I understand. Your betrothed has helped mature your views of the world.”
“Ex-betrothed, but yes, her getting involved meant I was going to have to.”
“You truly are a man now.”
Alan gave his father a soft smile. “It was good to see you again, and I look forward to seeing you in person soon. Thank you for warning me in advance. Perhaps we can talk more in-depth then. I don't think we should prolong this call longer than necessary for my roommate’s sake. I wouldn't want for him to get in trouble. This device must be a special privilege.” He glanced at Tuliy, and the young man nodded.
“I will arrange for some time alone, a break and reward, for all of the hard work you've done,” his father said.
“Thank you. I would appreciate that.”
“I'm proud of you,” his father said.
“Thank you for that too.” Those were four words Alan had wanted to hear for a long time. Growing up, all he dreamed about was being worthy of his father's praise. He was always well loved, but he could tell there were high expectations for his life. Expectations he didn't bother to try and live up to. Alan liked his comfortable lifestyle back home. Education and marrying Alona had been his priorities. The wealth his family had, made for a good tool to achieve his superficial goals.
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