After hours of sitting here trying to devise a plan, I realize Phoenix had been right. There is no easy answer here. It is impossible to solve this situation. All I know is I must save these girls: for who they are, for who they could be, and for all of the girls who’ve come before them. And if I’m going to save these little souls, I had better survive the Letting myself.
****
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know, I am startled by the sound of the bugle. Reveille is here way too early this morning. I watch the tiny shapes move under their mosquito netting, and I am suddenly paralyzed. I don’t know what to do. “Ronnie?” I hear a tiny voice ask. It’s Lulu. Her voice alone brings me to tears. “Ronnie? You okay?” she asks, sensing something is not right.
“Of course,” I manage to croak out, my throat tight. I imagine how they are seeing me: beaten, exhausted, tear-stained, and defeated. “I’m just thinking about how proud I am of all of you.” I speak with as much excitement as I can muster. Then Lulu looks directly at me, and I see the terror in her face.
“What happened?” she asks, shrinking away. Instinctively, I reach up and touch my sore cheek.
“It’s nothing,” I lie, trying to reassure her. “I had a bad fall when I went running.”
My answer seems to appease all of them except Raven. Raven eyes my injuries suspiciously. My lie makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. Instead, I force the bile down and do exactly what Phoenix has told me to do. I act as if today is any other day.
But it’s not any other day. It’s the day before I’m sent to the Letting, and more importantly, it’s the day before the beginning of the end for these four tiny people. I pray my smile masks my terror. I stand up and stretch as tall as I can. My arms reach the exposed beams along the ceiling of the cabin.
“You think I’ll be as tall as you when I grow up?” It’s Violet this time. She is obviously satisfied with the excuse I gave for my appearance. I can’t help myself. I pull her to me and begin to sob.
“Ronnie?” Lulu asks. I hear the alarm in her voice. Raven hangs close by, just far away enough, looking at me out of the corner of her eye. Just then the cabin door slams, and I turn. Gretchen is standing there, staring at me. She raises an eyebrow.
So this is it. No matter what I wanted to think, this is real. This is truly happening.
“Ronnie?” Gretchen asks in her soothing voice. “Is everything okay?”
“Of course.” I muster all my courage and strength. “I’m just so proud of our little campers in cabin O.”
Lilly and Violet turn to me, smiling. Raven is her usual quiet self, but Lulu is not convinced.
Gretchen eyes Lulu and then looks at me.
“You okay Lulu?” I ask, as calmly as I can.
“Yes.” She nods her head. “I’m just not feeling all that well.”
“What is it?” I ask her, glad for the distraction.
“My stomach feels a touch queasy.” I exhale, happy to focus on a case of butterflies.
“I get it,” I tell her. “But I promise there’s nothing to be nervous about.”
Lulu nods again.
“Now,” I say, rubbing my hands together. “We have a big day of training ahead of us, so what do you say we all head to the mess hall?”
The girls are still sleepy but eager to please me. One by one, they fold up their sleeping bags and take turns going to the latrine. Each is now wearing her regulation white and red ringer-tee and a red pair of shorts. They line up behind me and follow me out, like lambs to the slaughter.
****
Breakfast the day before the Letting is always a big deal. The usual daily breakfast of powdered milk and a protein bar is replaced with a veritable feast. Although our breakfast doesn’t change, the girls eat fried eggs with buttered toast, steak, and hash browns with spinach tossed throughout. And of course, there is the green algae drink.
I stand in line at the kitchen window and wait as each little person before me has her plate filled. Lilly has trouble seeing over the pile of food she carries. When it’s my turn at the window, I hand Willy, the cook, my cup for my powdered milk.
“Not today, Ronnie.” He sounds genuinely happy for me. “Today you get the real stuff.” He hands me back an empty cup and a loaded down plate.
One whiff of the food makes me realize I am ravenous. He smiles a warm smile at me, and I once again feel horribly guilty. I don’t deserve his warmth, and I don’t deserve this breakfast.
“Don’t even think about it.” Gretchen walks up next to me. She holds a cup of milk and a protein bar. “If you’re going to have a successful Letting,” she whispers, “you had better eat.” She hands me a glass of the green algae goo.
“And what if I don’t?” I whisper back. “What if I simply pass out and die on the table. What difference would it make?”
“Well,” she says, looking thoughtful, as if she’s really considering the option. “It would matter to Farnsworth. And it would matter to those four little girls over there.” She points at Lulu, Lilly, Violet, and Raven.
Gretchen is right. The girls would be lost without me to guide them. At least the three of them. Raven, I’m not so sure about. They are all devouring their breakfasts as we speak. I smile at them, happy to see the girls eating heartily.
“I know you love them, Ron.” Gretchen is staring at me. “Now we have to find a way to save them.” Her voice is so low it’s barely perceptible.
I nod. Then for some reason, with everything else that is happening, I wonder if it would matter to him. I ask the ridiculous question.
“Does he hate me?” I turn to Gretchen. I can hear the vulnerability in my own voice.
Gretchen looks at me, confused. She tilts her head and narrows her eyes.
“Of course he hates you,” she states, matter-of-factly. “Now let’s eat before the horn blows for first period.”
I nod, the smell of the food on my tray making me sick.
****
We sit in silence and I am amazed at how each of my girls has nearly cleaned her plate. Nervous little Lulu has eaten the most of all of them. I’m glad her nerves have calmed enough to let her eat, but the guilt I’m feeling is nearly paralyzing me.
“Eat,” Gretchen whispers and I obey.
I stuff in bite after bite of egg and steak, knowing it’s the only thing I can do to help at this moment. When I finally stop for a breath, my plate is empty. I can’t believe how hungry I’ve been.
Gretchen smiles, handing me my glass of algae goo. I chug it back as quickly as possible, wishing I had just one more bite of steak to wash the taste of algae out of my mouth.
“You can thank the Inferno for this one too.” Gretchen waves her wafer cracker breakfast bar. I just nod, fighting hard to keep the rich food down. I see some of the girls struggling with it, too. Lilly and Violet have both run off to the latrine. I follow them in, hoping they’re able to keep the food in their tiny bodies.
“Oh,” I hear coming from a bathroom stall. Since the bathroom stalls are separated by curtains, I can’t knock, so I whisper through the divider.
“Violet?” I ask. “You okay?” Before she can answer, Raven and Lulu have joined us. They stand next to me, swaying back and forth slightly, in desperate need of their turns. Lulu looks green. Maybe she’s really coming down with something. I try to banish the thought. That would be another hurdle we don’t need to face.
After I have collected my girls who have all managed to hold on to their breakfasts, the horn sounds for first period. Today is not a normal activity day for these girls. This is a day meant strictly and only for preparation. Today we’ll exercise at the waterfront. Stretching their muscles in the lake will be great for blood flow in all areas of the body in case any one of them is a tough stick. To head to their morning exercises, we have to walk a good distance down a giant hill, guarded by deep woods on both sides. I know Phoenix and the others will be hidden there, somewhere, with a rifle aimed at my head, only too happy to pull th
e trigger and take me out of the picture. The thought makes me shiver, even against the heat of the morning. I wince from the pain in my knee, and quietly, my little lambs scoot down the hill after me, our feet kicking up stones as we go. The girls are too quiet, and I know on a normal day, I would be working hard to keep their spirits up. I try a song.
“My country, my country, I do declare. My person, my body, I do swear.” The girls begin to join in, quietly.
“To give them to help you, and in return, you let me live happily noon ’til noon. I’m honored to do for you what I can, and in return, I do see your greater plan. My country, my country, how I love you. My country, my country, will see me through.”
When I look back at my campers, I notice Lulu is lagging behind. The Letting is affecting her way more than I thought it would.
“Lulu?” I ask, slowing my stride so she can catch up. “You don’t want to sing?” She just shakes her head no. “Still your stomach?”
“Yes.” Her voice is small, faint.
“Lulu, is this the first time you’ve ever eaten food like this?” I feel my own breakfast, heavy in my stomach.
She nods.
“I know. It hurts your stomach at first. Just give it some time. It’ll get better.”
Lulu looks up at me and smiles.
I can’t imagine what she’s going to do with the stuffed artichokes and beans for lunch, and the mandatory dinner of liver and spinach. The poor kid.
We make it down to the waterfront for our exercise. Luckily, today is as hot as yesterday, and although it’s uncomfortable, it means the girls won’t have to spend their night soaking in warm tubs to improve circulation. I step into the lake, ankle deep, and they follow. Tiny sunfish shoot by my feet and I wonder, just for a moment, what it would be like to be them, free to swim away from all my problems. Soon enough, all four girls are laughing and splashing; all four forgetting what tomorrow means. Tomorrow. But I can’t forget what tomorrow means. I sit on the gray beach at the edge of the water, feeling the dirty sand make its way into my cut-off denim shorts. I stand up and slide my shorts and tank top off, revealing a black one-piece swimsuit with an open back. It’s my only one, but I like this swimsuit. It allows me to move in the water, and sometimes I swim for miles.
The sun is strong, but not yet oppressive, and I bask in the feeling of the warmth on my body. I lean back and let the sun drench my entire being, feeling, momentarily, relaxed. Then something in the woods grabs my attention and like a shot, I am on my feet. Lulu watches me, as does Raven, but Lilly and Violet are oblivious to any change in me. Lulu and Raven watch me watching the woods.
“Ronnie?” Lulu asks.
“Shh,” I quiet her. Lilly and Violet join the other two girls, and the four of them huddle together, knee deep in the lake. I strain my eyes and my ears to see what or who is out there, but I see nothing. But I can’t shake this feeling there’s something…
One thing is certain, whoever or whatever it is would be unwelcome. There is no reason for Phoenix and his group to show themselves to these girls, so it may be a wild animal, or another small faction of rebels. I’m not taking any chances.
“Girls,” I speak in a hushed voice. “Let’s go up the hill. We’re changing our plan for today.” No matter how upbeat I try to sound, they know better.
Quickly, the four of them wrap themselves in towels and scurry up the hill as fast as possible. I am right behind, rushing them, but there is no way they can move fast enough to make me happy. My long legs would have me to the top of the hill in less than five minutes, but as a group, it will take us nearly fifteen.
Fifteen minutes is plenty long enough for a band of rebels to come and snatch up any one of these girls to sell her on the black market for private blood donations. I never really worried about it before. I was always careful, but I figured my girls were safe in my camp. Were safe with me. But since learning Phoenix and his gang are out there, so close to us, it’s feasible to think another group may be as well. And since I’ve learned I’m the biggest danger these girls face, well then, nothing is as I thought it was.
I scan the woods with every step I take, listening for a snap of a twig or the stomp of a footstep. I push my girls a bit harder. “Come on, girls. Let’s get that blood pumping.”
I’m trying not to scare them, but they are already terrified. The huddled mass that walks in front of me proves that. Looking at them, I think of Gretchen and me, all those years ago. How I thought we would always be lifelong best friends. How I could never have imagined she would become a traitor.
We make it to the top of the hill, and I have never been so happy to see our cabins. I exhale, a sense of peace finally winning out over panic.
“Okay, girls, how about a rest time?” Their limbs are still shaking, and I can tell they are genuinely frightened. I need to fix this.
“Girls,” I say, trying to regain control. “There is nothing to be scared of. Do you remember last night, when I told you to be quiet in case Margaret was nearby?”
Three of them nod. Raven just stares.
“Well, I thought I heard her today, too.” I know it’s a pitiful lie, but it’s all I have. “And if she has special orders for me, today, the day before your”—I stop myself midsentence—“our Letting, I need to hear them. That’s all.”
I speak as soothingly as possible. I hope at least a couple of them buy my excuse. I know Raven won’t, but I’m hopeful for the other three. “So, what do you think of some playtime in the cabin?”
The girls nod and head off to their cabin. I would love nothing more than to crawl into my own cabin and hide, maybe even fall asleep, but I know my adrenaline would never allow it. Besides, I can still feel something. Someone. And I need to get to the bottom of it. If we’re going to be attacked and raided, I had better be prepared.
I look around the campgrounds for a weapon of any kind, but I find we are abysmally unprepared. If Phoenix and his gang or an even more unscrupulous bunch were to come our way, I would have no way to stop them. In the past, I’ve lit fires to scare the rebels off, and none ever infiltrated our camp. But this is different. This time someone is on our turf. After more searching, I decide on a poker from an old, nonworking fireplace in the mess hall.
Armed with that, I begin to walk to the perimeter of the camp. I know this is a bad idea, but I also know I have to stop whoever is there. Maybe, just maybe, whoever it is will be happy with obtaining me, and leave the girls alone. The girls could very well survive the Letting tomorrow, and by the next time they are summoned, maybe Phoenix would have found a way to free them from their horrific fate.
As I walk on faster and faster, I know this is a completely inane thought, and if Phoenix, Gunnar, or Buzzcut are anywhere nearby, they may very well shoot me on the spot. But I have to know. After all of the years of being a closet danger myself, I now want to know when I am facing one.
I walk to a far area of the campgrounds, past the old tennis courts, crossing the invisible border of our camp. I push through the trees about three layers deep, but I find nothing. I do this again by the arts and crafts cabin, and then on the opposite side of the camp, over by the old Infirmary. Again, there is no one. I walk toward the one entrance into the camp, the dirt road, and still I see no one. Finally, I know I have no other choice but to head back down toward the water.
Slowly, fireplace poker in my hand, I start the descent down the hill. Naturally, downhill is so much easier than uphill, so I prepare myself mentally to run back up the hill if I need to. With my aching knee, it will be nothing short of a challenge. But it would be a challenge to anyone chasing me as well. With every slip I make on the hill, I grab myself, steadying myself, trying not to appear weak or feeble, just in case someone is watching. In a matter of minutes, I am back at the waterfront.
Looking around the giant lake, I see how easy it would be for anyone to hide anywhere. There is no way I can canvas the entire area, so since I have nothing left to lose, I offer myself up.
&
nbsp; “Okay,” I shout, holding my hands out and turning in a circle. “Come out. Whoever you are, come out and show yourself. You want someone? Then don’t go after a child. I am one of the last remaining O’s. Here I am.”
I hear a twig snap, then another. Then there is the sound of footsteps, rushing in my ears. I think of closing my eyes and bracing for impact, but instead I steady myself and lift my fireplace poker. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can catch an eye or lame someone, even if only temporarily. Maybe I’ll be able to get away into the woods, though I have no idea what I’ll do when I get there.
Then, not far up the beach, I see a figure dressed in camouflage. He walks swiftly toward me carrying a gun in front of him. He holds it pointing upward, away from me, but I feel my heart pound and my palms begin to sweat. I recognize him. It’s Phoenix. I brace myself for his approach. He walks up, right next to me. He narrows his eyes at me.
“Are you really this naïve?” he asks. He looks disgusted with me.
He purposely looks away, and I realize I’m still in my swimsuit.
“Here.” He hands me the denim cut-offs I left lying on the beach. He still won’t look at me. “It’s not smart to leave things lying around. Especially your things. Some of the rebels have dogs trained to find you.” Again, his words feel like a slap in my face.
“Why?” I ask. “If everyone knows where I’m stationed, they can get to me any time.”
“Not everyone knows where your camp is. It’s not common knowledge. And I don’t know what anyone else’s motives are.” He straightens up and tightens his grasp on his rifle. “All I know is it would be easier to grab you when you are away from the safety and protection of your camp.”
I nod, remembering I am a wanted person because I have committed horrible crimes. I shrink back from Phoenix.
“Uh, you should put them on.” He points to the shorts, his eyes still avoiding me.
I nod again, my cheeks burning red, wondering if I look that bad in my swimsuit. I slide my feet into the shorts, one leg, than the other, thinking I’m thin and nearly six feet tall with long legs and tan skin, so it can’t be all bad. But apparently, whatever I look like repulses him. He doesn’t turn back until I’m covered.
The Letting Page 6
