by Julia Green
The baby sling had been a present from Annie. It meant Mia could walk around with him strapped to her front and still have both hands free. Only his head was so wobbly, it kept slipping sideways. Perhaps he was still too small for it.
‘What time’s your dad back?’
‘Any time now.’
‘I’ve got to go in a minute. French oral next week, then English Paper One.’ Becky pulled a face. ‘Got to do revision every night except Saturday. I promised.’
‘Come round Sunday first thing, won’t you? I want to hear all about Ali’s party. Everything. Promise?’
‘You might not want to know.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Nothing. OK. I promise. All the gory details. If you insist.’ She hugged Mia goodbye. ‘You going to be all right?’
‘Yes. Dad’ll be back soon. Go on, off you go. See you Sunday.’
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘Where are you off to?’
‘Out.’
‘I can see that. But where?’
‘What is this, Dad? I don’t have to tell you where I’m going all the time!’
‘But your mother will be here any moment. She’s driving all the way from Bristol to see you and Kai. You can’t just disappear for the day.’
‘I’m only going for a walk.’
‘Well, how long for?’
‘I dunno. Not long. I’ve just got to get out of this place. It’s doing my head in.’
‘You shouldn’t be taking him out in this wind, anyway. He’s not wrapped up enough.’
‘Shut up, Dad. Stop telling me what to do.’
‘Well, you’ve got to think about him, you know, not just yourself all the time. He’s only a week old.’
‘Thirteen days, actually.’
‘Very little. At least put a hat on him.’
‘He’s tucked under my jacket. Warm. OK?’
Mia slammed the door behind her. Nag nag nag. He didn’t give up. She would go crazy if she stayed living here. She’d have to work out something else. Soon.
Once she’d got out of the garden and on to the lane, she fished a little turquoise cotton hat from her pocket and put it on Kai’s head. She wasn’t going to let Dad see her do it. He’d think she was doing it because he’d said to. Didn’t give her credit for having any sense. Kai twisted his face at the unfamiliar feeling of the hat and she stroked her finger along his cheek. Don’t cry. Not now. Please.
Instead of down the hill to the sea, she went up the lane towards Becky’s house. Stupid idea, she realized as soon as she reached the house and saw Becky’s curtains still drawn. She’d forgotten how early it was for a Sunday morning. She’d been up with Kai since six. It must only be about ten.
Becky’s mum waved from the kitchen window and came to the front door to let her in.
‘Lovely to see you two! That’s a good way of carrying him. Asleep? Come on in, love. Becky’s still in bed, I’m afraid.’
Mia hesitated.
‘I’ll make you a drink and you can go up and see if she’s awake. Bit of a late night. Ali’s party.’
‘Yes. I know.’
Mia walked carefully upstairs, still in her coat, with Kai in the baby sling. She opened Becky’s door a slit and peeped in.
Becky opened her eyes and groaned. ‘Mum?’
‘No, it’s me, Mia. Are you awake?’
‘Just. What are you doing here?’
‘Came to see you. Find out about last night.’
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. I’ve been up hours.’
‘My mouth feels terrible. Come in properly. And shut the door.’
Mia sat on the bottom of the bed. Kai stayed asleep.
‘He’s wearing a hat. Sweet.’
‘So? How was it?’
‘Give me a moment to wake up, Mia.’
Mia went over to the window and opened the curtains. Becky groaned as the sunlight flooded into the room.
‘Sorry. I’ll just open them a bit.’
‘It’s too bright. My head aches something rotten.’
The bedroom door opened.
‘Here you are!’ Becky’s mum brought in two glasses of orange juice and put them on the bedside table. She smiled at them and then went back out.
‘Your mum’s amazing!’ Mia said. ‘She waits on you hand and foot, doesn’t she?’
‘She likes doing it. She’d do it for you if you let her. She says you can leave Kai with her any time, when she’s not working. She loves babies.’
Mia pulled a face. ‘My mother’s coming today from Bristol. A miracle.’
‘Alice,’ Becky said.
They both giggled at the way Mia’s mother insisted on Mia using her name.
‘Will Julie be visiting, too?’
‘She hasn’t been round all week. Perhaps she and Dad have had a row.’
‘More likely she’s just giving you some space. With the new baby and that.’
‘Maybe. I don’t want to see her.’
‘What does your mum think about it?’
‘How should I know? Nothing, probably. It’s none of her business any more. She’s got Bryan, hasn’t she?’
‘Yes, but that doesn’t stop people still feeling something, does it? About their ex?’
Mia shrugged.
‘So, is this Bryan coming as well?’
‘Hope not. Bad enough having Mum. I mean Alice. Now, tell me about last night. What happened?’
‘We-ell,’ Becky dragged out the word, playing for time. ‘Everyone was there. The whole tutor group, practically. All the boys got completely pissed. Most of the girls, too. Rob puked all over the kitchen floor. Siobhan got off with Liam.’
‘No!’
‘After all that saying she didn’t fancy him. I know!’
‘What about you?’
‘Nothing. Well, I had a really good laugh, and danced a lot. Drank too much. Nothing else. As usual.’ She pulled a face.
‘Ah. Poor you. So, no luck with Matt?’
‘He’s not interested, Mia. It’s obvious. We have a good laugh and that, but nothing more.’
‘And Will?’
‘What about him?’
‘For heaven’s sake, Becky, stop spinning it out. Just tell me!’
‘He was ratted. I’ve never seen him so pissed.’
‘And?’
‘He didn’t know what he was doing.’
‘What, though?’
‘It didn’t mean anything, Mia. Stop asking me. It isn’t fair.’
‘Well, you have to tell me now. It was Ali, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll kill her.’
‘He was drunk, Mia. It doesn’t mean anything.’
‘What were they doing?’
‘I don’t know. I wasn’t watching. Trying not to.’
‘Kissing?’
‘Yes. I don’t know.’
‘Did they sleep together?’
‘Of course not – least, well, I don’t know, do I? Don’t do this, Mia. It’s pointless. You’re just getting yourself into a state.’
‘That’s it. I’ll kill him. While I’m stuck at home, can’t even go to the party, he’s getting off with Ali. He knew I’d find out.’
‘Well, she’s been after him for months. It’s surprising it’s taken this long if you think about it. He’s done quite well to resist. She’s pretty determined, our Ali.’
‘Not our Ali. Whose side are you on?’
‘Yours of course, but you’ve got to understand something, Mia! Listen!’
‘I hate her. To think she was in my house only days ago! Holding my baby. Mine and his. How could she?’
‘Mia, you’ve got to get a grip. You’ve got to stop thinking about Will like that. It’s too hard on everyone. He’s a sixteen-year-old bloke, Mia!’
‘You’re the one who told me that a baby needs both parents. You did. I distinctly remember.’
‘I know. I still do think that. But it won’t h
appen overnight, will it? You have to be patient and give him some time.’
‘What about me? All you can think about is him having time. What about me having time? I’m the one who’s up all night, and holding him all day, and I can’t even come up here without having him tied round my neck. I thought you were my friend.’
‘You’re making my headache worse. I don’t want to argue with you, Mia.’
‘You shouldn’t have told me, then.’
‘You asked. You went on and on about it. I told you it wasn’t fair.’
Mia got up off the bed. The sudden movement jolted the baby, who started to whimper. ‘Shut up!’ she hissed. ‘Don’t you start now. I can’t stand it.’
‘Mia! Hang on. Don’t go!’
But Mia was already out of the door and halfway down the stairs. The kitchen door opened as she went past.
‘You’re not going already? I thought you and Beck –’
Becky’s mum’s voice trailed after Mia as she opened the front door and rushed out. At the gate, she turned back briefly and caught a glimpse of Becky’s face pressed to the window upstairs. Her best friend. Saying all that horrible stuff. Even if she was right. Which she wasn’t, of course. How unfair could you get? Mia bit her lip hard to stop the tears.
Will. How could he? And with Ali? The thought of him kissing Ali like he used to kiss her, stroking her hair: it was unbearable.
Where could she go? Not home, not now, after this. She imagined the day ahead. Mum would be arriving at the house. They’d all have Sunday lunch. Afterwards, Dad would suggest a stroll down to the sea, or across the fields. Back for afternoon tea. Pleases and thank-yous and everyone pretending that they were a normal happy family. They would look like it, from the outside: father, mother, daughter, grandson. Except that nothing was what it appeared to be: her parents no longer loving one another, both wishing they were with someone else; and her, Mia, the bad, ungrateful daughter, with the baby no one had wanted.
No one but her, that is. Eventually.
Such a thin thread, holding on to his life. So easily he might not have been.
Mia turned up the lane and kept walking, fast, not really caring that what she was doing would make everything worse. She took the turning towards Will’s house. What if Ali was there? Had been all night? Surely not. She didn’t think Will would dare do that, not after everything that had happened. And it was Ali’s party – she couldn’t have just left everyone to it, could she? Even if her parents hadn’t been coming back till really late. More likely he’d come home from the party and crashed out. Was still sleeping. Not for much longer, though. Just wait till she set eyes on him. She could feel the anger burning up through her body. Even her fingertips quivered with it. She wanted to smash things up. Scream and hit and bite and kick. Tell him exactly what she thought.
Annie, Will’s mother, must have seen her coming up the lane. She was already at the front garden gate as Mia arrived. Not exactly barring the way, although Mia wasn’t sure. Annie’s face was tight, serious. She took off her gardening gloves and put down the fork she’d been using.
‘Mia.’
Kai began to whimper again.
‘You’re using my sling. Well done! It’s so much easier like that, isn’t it? You can do proper walks, not like with a pram or a buggy.’ Annie’s voice sounded falsely bright. ‘So, where are you two off to?’
It was obvious, wasn’t it?
‘See Will.’ Mia mumbled his name, her head hanging. All the anger had suddenly drained away. Now she felt just empty.
‘Oh. He’s still asleep. In any case, I don’t think it’s a good idea right now, Mia, do you? He’s – well, he’s not able – ready yet – to help – but I will, you know that. Shall I walk with you for a bit? I can carry the baby and give you a rest, or I’ll take him for an hour, if you like, and you can have a walk by yourself. Give him a feed and then he’ll be all right for a little while.’ She talked fast, as if she were nervous.
Not like Annie to sound like that. Then Mia realized: of course, Annie was protecting her son. Nothing must spoil things for Will. Ruin his chances. No way was Annie going to let Mia into the house, shrieking and yelling and making a scene.
Mia turned abruptly. She started walking back down the hill. Horrible woman. She was as bad as the rest of them. Said she’d help, but she wouldn’t really. She’d always put Will first, before her, before Kai. Well, stuff her. She’d blown it now. I won’t let her have anything to do with Kai ever again. She could take back her stupid baby sling. And all the other baby things.
She’d had it with everyone.
No one understood.
Nowhere for her to go.
She couldn’t even get a bus to Ashton on a Sunday.
She was trapped.
She knew Annie would be watching her, anxious, but she was determined not to look round. When Mia put her finger in Kai’s mouth to stop his bleating, he tried to suck it. Gave up when no milk came. The bleats turned to a wail. Perhaps if she walked fast enough, the movement would calm him down. But the weight of him in the baby sling pulled her neck, made her shoulders and back ache, even though he was so small.
Like having a stone round your neck.
Weighing you down.
Left you gasping for air.
Drowning.
CHAPTER NINE
She’d have to find somewhere to stop so she could feed him and make him shut up. Mia trudged along the beach, looking for some shelter, something to lean against, a place to hide. There was nothing at the Whitecross end, so she kept on going in the direction of Ashton, along the thin stretch of beach left by the high tide. Extra high: a spring tide. It was hard work, walking on pebbles and stony sand into the wind, the baby round her neck dragging her down. His face was a horrible reddy-purple from screaming so much. He’d got himself into such a state he wouldn’t be able to feed now.
She walked for miles, it seemed; the beach was totally exposed, no shelter anywhere. Near Stonegate, the old slipway offered a little protection from the wind. Mia slumped down against the rough stone wall and finally undid the sling, and could stretch her neck and shoulders. Kai’s face was screwed up in hunger and fear. Instead of it moving her to softness, Mia just felt irritation. She handled him roughly, so he cried more, and arched away from her when she finally unzipped her jacket so he could feed.
‘Don’t, then,’ she snapped. ‘See if I care.’
She closed her eyes for a moment and leaned back. Kai squirmed and shrieked on her lap, but the wind took his cries away, mixed them with the cries of the gulls, the shushing of the waves pulling back the shingle, so that the sound gradually became less grating on her nerves and for a moment she could rest.
Sunlight reflecting off a can caught the baby’s attention. He stopped crying to watch the bright light. He stretched his hand out as if to clutch it.
Mia heard the church clock strike twelve. Dad would be furious. He and Mum would have had to spend time alone together, waiting for her and Kai to return.Let them wait.
She began to feel a bit better. She bent over the baby, touched her face against his. He turned avidly, his mouth opening like a hungry baby bird. ‘Silly boy.’ Mia held him close to her, showed him where to find her breast. She watched the waves, lulled by their gentle slide and suck on the pebbles. Two small birds flitted from rock to rock down near the water. She tried to remember what Will had called them, last summer.
Pipits. That was it. Rock pipits. He was full of useless information like that. No good to her, though, was it? She tried to imagine him sitting with Ali on the beach. Couldn’t. Ali hated the beach. He’d soon find out. They didn’t have anything in common. Ali liked shopping and clubs and older men who had money to spend on her. They didn’t even like the same music.
But, then, what had she had in common with him, either? Becky used to say it was because she was so different that Will had liked her in the first place. She was exciting, and dangerous. And fun.
Not any more
.
A girl with a baby.
No wonder he didn’t want her.
Voices, people coming down the path from Stonegate to the beach. Mia got up, stiff from sitting in the cold so long. She held Kai against her shoulder. He’d fallen asleep at last. She walked back along the beach with him like that, his breath warm on her neck. Her arms ached, but she couldn’t bear to wake him up again to put him back in the horrid sling. In the end, she left it behind on the beach. She didn’t want it. It could join all the other rubbish on the tideline.
By the time she got to Whitecross she was beginning to regret it. Kai seemed to get heavier as she went along, and she was scared she might stumble and drop him. His delicate head on those stones.
Mum was waiting in the garden in a deckchair. She got up to greet Mia.
‘At last! You’re back. Are you all right?’
Mia scowled.
‘I’m pleased you’ve been out, love. Honestly. I’m sure it’s good for you. But you were quite a long time. You look exhausted. Shall I take him? Put him down in the basket?’
Mia handed over the sleeping baby. ‘I’m going to lie down.’
‘Of course. Good idea. Lunch will be ready soon. Dad’s in the kitchen now. Just tell him you’re back. He worries, you know.’ She smiled, shrugged apologetically. ‘A parent’s privilege. You understand.’
‘No, I don’t.’
Mia stomped upstairs without looking into the kitchen.
It was a relief to lie down alone on the soft bed. The thought of having to talk to Mum, answer questions, all that! She wanted to sleep, but couldn’t. Too many thoughts whirled round her head. Will. Ali. Becky. All the mothers, poking their noses in the whole time. Dad fussing. And Kai. Only thirteen days old and so needy she couldn’t bear it. The thought of this going on and on, days and months and years of it.
No wonder her own mother had left.
The image of the abandoned baby sling came into her head. The small heap of blue cloth on the cold pebbles, getting steadily smaller as she walked away.
A dot on the beach. Flotsam and jetsam.
Someone combing the tideline, searching for shells, treasures, might find it, pick it up, take it home. It might come in useful. Would need a bit of a wash, but that’s all. Or maybe not. The sea would find it first, waves licking up, round, sucking it back, rolling it over and over until it was sodden and heavy and waterlogged. It would bob out to sea, deeper, further, and then some few days later it might be spewed up again on another beach, a thin ribbon of shredded cloth.
