by Nikki Sloane
“I didn’t want to hurt you—”
“Bullshit. You weren’t protecting me, you were protecting yourself.” I set my gaze on him, finally meeting his eyes. He stood a few feet from me with his hands on his hips, like he wasn’t sure where else to put them, worry streaking his face.
“Yes,” he admitted. “I’m sorry.”
An actual apology.
My brain went to war with itself. If he hadn’t lied, I wouldn’t have gone to that club, and who knows if we’d have ever gotten together. The night he’d met Payton and confessed his guilt about what he’d done showed even then he was filled with regret about the lie.
I believed you didn’t get to pick and choose the parts of a person you loved. You loved the good and the bad. All of it. So, he’d been bad and he’d hurt me, and while I wasn’t happy with him right now, I still loved him.
“You lied to me. Don’t do it again.”
He seemed to swallow hard, and nodded in agreement. As I reached for the doorknob –
“Wait.” His hollow voice lined my stomach with lead. “My lunch appointment, it’s with April.”
Everything went cold.
“Why are you having lunch with your ex?” I bit the words out. If I hadn’t caught him in that previous lie, was the plan to get away with this one, too?
“Her father passed away on Sunday night. It was very sudden, and she’s having a hard time. She’s falling apart.” His words got me to stop and focus on what he was saying. In spite of my anger, it was difficult not to feel heartache for her. “I told you that I cut her out completely.” His gorgeous brown eyes never left mine, but there was guilt behind them. “I think her father’s death made her realize she needs closure. A conversation for us both to reflect on why it went wrong, and to say goodbye.”
I took a deep breath to remain rational. “All right, you need to see her, fine. If you’d explained that, I would’ve understood. But you were going to –”
“I went crazy when you went out with Blake, and you two were only friends. I thought you were going to say no, and I owed her, so I’d planned to tell you . . . after.”
“God, Logan. I trust you completely, I mean . . . ” My voice fell to almost nothing. “The stuff we did with Payton. How can you not trust me?”
I chose to ignore the pained look in his eyes. “I was going to tell you, you have to believe me.”
“Why should I? You’ve been lying to me for months.” My voice sounded as cold as I felt. “Go. Have your lunch with April and give her the closure she needs. You and I can discuss this later. After I’ve cooled off.”
I fixed a hand on the doorknob and pulled air into my lungs, desperate to find a blank expression to hide the hurt and anger, and yanked the door open.
I was determined not to let this crush the day. Just a few more hours. Then, it will be negotiations on salary and discussion of which office would be mine, and I could sort the personal stuff out at home tonight.
Lunch was left in the fridge. I was too full of churning emotion to want to eat. I broke down and purchased a third can of Diet Coke from the vending machine while Logan disappeared from his office and went to have lunch with her. My silver can of crack and work weren’t enough of a distraction, and my mind worried about what he was doing. There was so much history between them, I couldn’t even fathom it. I tortured myself relentlessly. What if she didn’t want closure, but wanted him back? I imagined her begging him for another chance, telling him she was willing to compromise for him.
“Can I see you in my office, Evelyn?” His deep voice caused me to jolt in my seat. By the time I’d turned to face Logan, he was already halfway down the aisle.
As soon as he shut the door, his arms encircled me.
“No.” I pushed away from his hold, but it was futile. He blew out a breath and I could smell the faint hint of alcohol. “You had drinks at lunch?”
“Yeah. It was difficult, and I’m glad it’s over.”
His clear eyes rendered me motionless. It was over between him and her, at least I could tell that wasn’t a lie.
“I’m also not looking forward to the conversation about the management position,” he added.
“No, I can’t imagine Kathleen will take it well.”
He left me standing by the door and paced to his desk, running a worried hand through his hair. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I don’t ever want to do that.” The expression on his face was heartbreaking, and I fought the urge to soften. I believed he didn’t want to hurt me, but he’d done a piss-poor job of it.
“Like I said, I’m pissed, but we’re at work and we’ve both got things we need to do. We can talk about it later.”
He sank down into his seat and worry grew on his face. Was he really that torn up about Kathleen? I sat down in the opposing chair.
“We both know you don’t have a problem being direct,” I said, “but be honest with Kathleen. Do it fast, and then try to listen when she responds.”
“That’s how you’d want it done?”
Something was off. He’d fired Austin with his cold professionalism intact, or so I’d heard, and that had to be much harder than letting someone know they’d lost out on a promotion.
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t soften the landing. Make sure you tell her she’s a great designer. She’ll be upset, but she’s an adult and can handle it.”
“I hope so, Evie.” His expression changed, like he was done fighting whatever had filled him with reluctance. “I need to speak with Evelyn now.”
The air around me shifted, and I should have seen it coming.
“While we appreciate you expressing interest in the position,” he said, “we’ve chosen to offer it to a different candidate. You’ve got a great career ahead of you here, and—”
“No, Logan.”
“—think you’re an excellent designer, the best I’ve—”
I shot to my feet so fast I got dizzy. “Why?”
God, his face. He looked like his own words were destroying him. “This morning Will asked if we’d slept together. I could’ve lied and said no, but it didn’t matter. He’d already made up his mind.”
“You wanted me for that position before we started dating.” I couldn’t organize my thoughts. “Over time, they’ll see I earned it and you didn’t hand it to me because I was your girlfriend.”
“It’s too damaging to both of our careers. You’re young. You’ll have plenty more opportunities to advance.”
It was all slipping away, my dream job vanishing before my eyes. Taken from me because of the simple mistake of uttering my name. His mistake.
“Don’t do this.”
He took an enormous breath as if steeling himself. “It’s already done. Kathleen accepted the position twenty minutes ago.”
I stumbled backward, away from his eyes that frantically searched mine. With all of his lies this morning, the roller coaster of emotions, and now this, it was too much. I couldn’t take any more, and it broke me.
“Take a minute,” he urged. “Don’t go out there like that.”
“Like what?” I hissed.
“Looking like I just broke your heart.”
A cruel, bitter laugh bubbled up from inside. “What difference does it make what they think of me now?”
The door banged against the doorstop when I yanked it open. Jamie’s head popped up over the cubicle wall to spy me heading back to my desk. I leaned over the keyboard and began shutting down my system.
I couldn’t stay here. An emotional meltdown was imminent and I wasn’t interested in trying to cry quietly in a bathroom stall for the next thirty minutes. I certainly didn’t want to be here when the announcement was made about Kathleen’s promotion. This was quickly becoming the worst day ever, and I just wanted it over already.
I put my phone in my purse, tossed my soda can in the recycling bin, and cursed the Mac to hurry up.
“Where are you going?” he asked softly, lingering just to the side of my cube.
<
br /> “I don’t feel well, Logan. I’m going home.” Maybe it was unprofessional, but I didn’t give a rat’s ass just then. After everything that had happened, I did feel sick to my stomach, so it wasn’t a lie.
“You’re not feeling well, how?”
The tension in my body was building to a level I couldn’t manage. The words came out too loud and angry for the surrounding designers to ignore. “Why do you care?”
I knew he could feel the eyes on us as much as I could from his sudden, hurried breath. His eyes set. “I care because I’m in love with you, Evie.”
He’d said it as loudly as I had, straight up declaring it for the whole office to hear. Debbie gasped, but that and a phone ringing somewhere off in HR were the only sounds in the aftermath. Perhaps he’d thought this would make me feel better, but, no. I couldn’t feel anything but crushing disappointment in him and my situation. I put my purse on my shoulder and straightened to leave.
“My name,” I said through clenched teeth, “is Evelyn.”
chapter
TWENTY-FIVE
I went home, curled up on the bed that now seemed so tiny, and unleashed my emotions with my face pressed into the mattress. Afterward, I sat up, filled my lungs with air, and blew it out, feeling empty. I’d started the day happy and in love, only hours away from landing my dream job. Now it was early afternoon and I wasn’t at work. I was here, and alone.
I’d called Payton on the train ride and filled her in on the details, arranged to go to her place for dinner, and then turned my phone off. I didn’t want to talk to him right now.
The joke was on me, though. I changed into a tank-top and yoga pants that absolutely did not flatter my large thighs, and I started to clean. In the few months since we’d gotten together, I’d learned to enjoy the empty countertops and clean floors. I polished the sink, and when that was done, I moved on to wiping down the insides of cabinets. After that, I took a wet rag and started to scrub the corners of the floor where the baseboards looked like they’d never been cleaned.
A sharp knock on my front door snapped reality back on me. Holy shit, what time was it? I knew who it would be, so I didn’t rush to get to my feet or hurry to the door.
“Jesus, would you please turn your phone back on?” Logan’s face was streaked with concern as he came in. “I’ve been so worried about you.”
He was still in his suit, and I glanced at the clock on the microwave. “It’s not even five.”
“Yeah, I left right after the meeting.” The one where he had made the announcement, no doubt.
“It’s Tuesday, what about your cross training?”
He gave me a look like I was being ridiculous. “Fuck that, we need to talk.”
I went back to sitting on the carpet, crossing my legs beneath me and scrubbing the rag over the dingy ivory-colored trim. “Go ahead, boss, talk.”
He went into a whole long apology, but honestly, I didn’t need to hear it. He knew he’d screwed up. I heard him take off his jacket and set it down somewhere, probably folded neatly. At least there were plenty of clean surfaces for him to do so now.
“Say something,” he asked, hushed. “Tell me you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.” My voice was flat, emotionless.
“Please look at me. Tell me we’re okay.”
I turned to see him standing with his tie loosened and his sleeves pushed up, devastatingly handsome. My body wanted him regardless of what my mind told it, but thankfully my mind was stronger. “I’m not going to tell you we’re okay. I’m not going to lie to you.”
His approach was too rapid to react to, and hands scooped under my arms, lifting me to my feet. “Then tell me what I can do.”
“I love you, but I’m not happy. You have to let me be unhappy about this. I lost that promotion because of what you said.”
Logan loved compliments, but he didn’t like anyone to point out his faults. “It was a simple mistake. We both know you’ve made one before.”
I could only imagine the shocked look that splashed on my face, and I shoved his hands off. I didn’t need a reminder of my disaster with the legal disclaimer, and not today of all days.
“Fuck. I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.” He tried to pull me into his arms, but I would have none of it. I backed up a few steps, but then the wall was flat against my back, and it left me with nowhere to go. His hands trapped me there beneath his intense gaze. “I’m so sorry. I love you. Please tell me how I can help.”
His mouth lowered to mine, but I shifted away. His lips were the most persuasive when they weren’t talking. My head tilted back and thudded against the wall while he mouthed aggressive kisses down my neck.
“Logan, no.” My eyes fell closed. I was still too upset, too conflicted. “You can’t fix it that way.”
It was like I’d just punched him, he was that stunned. “I wasn’t trying to. I love you and I can’t help it,” he said, his eyes pleading. “I can’t stand that I did this to you, that I hurt you.”
Once those three words passed his lips in the office, he didn’t have any trouble saying them, but part of me worried this was manipulative.
“I need space,” I said. “You have to let me work through this on my own.”
“Space,” he repeated with horror. “How much space?”
“I don’t know. A few days.”
His chest lifted in a breath. He didn’t want space, but I wasn’t going to back down on this, either. The struggle in his eyes as he faced his first ever compromise from me was fierce.
But it was blinked away and the hesitant words from him were whisper quiet. “All right. I can do that.”
He brushed a hand over the back of my head, pressing my forehead to his lips in a chaste kiss, lingering. “Are you sure?”
I nodded, but said nothing as he left, his shoulders sagging.
Logan had only had one girlfriend in his life before me, and he’d been the one to walk away, which meant he’d never had it end on someone else’s terms. Not that it ended between us. At least, I didn’t think.
I had intended to maintain radio silence for one day, but one night became two after I watched Kathleen gloat around the office. No one spoke to me. I was literally sleeping with the enemy as far as they were concerned. After his declaration of love, he retreated into his cold, professional version like someone had deactivated the other part of him. On Thursday night he asked hesitantly if we could get dinner.
But I still needed more space. I couldn’t get past the failure. For once, Payton and Blake saw eye to eye, and they both told me I needed to forgive Logan and stop blaming him for a decision I probably would have made if the roles were reversed. I wanted to forgive him. I missed him, but as more time went by, it became harder and harder to find a way back to what we had.
When I rounded the corner into my cube on Friday morning, he was there, leaning against my desk. That same steel-colored button down and gun-metal gray tie he’d worn the day we’d gone into his office . . . and later that night he’d become my boyfriend. Outwardly, no one would notice the drastic difference in him, but not me. He hadn’t shaved. The faint lines around his eyes and the way his shoulders hung told me something was wrong.
“The train was late,” I said. If it hadn’t been, I might actually have been on time this morning.
“Can we talk in my office?” He asked it softly, and it filled me with unease. He didn’t move until I nodded.
I sat down and heard the dull thud of his door shutting behind me.
“Evie, I promised I wasn’t going to keep things from you, so there’s something you should know.” He came to stand in front of me and leaned back against the desk, his face serious. “I’m giving Will my notice today.”
What the hell was he talking about? “You’re leaving?” He’d been in talks with another company and hadn’t told me? I jumped right into anger. “Where are you going?”
He sighed. “I haven’t figured that out yet.”
“What?”
<
br /> “If I’m gone, Kathleen will step into my role and you’ll get the position you deserve.”
I launched to my feet and came eye to eye with him. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not going to quit; you’re like me. Your job is everything to you.”
The mocha-colored eyes blinked slowly. “No, it’s not. I can find another job, but I can’t find another you.”
This was impossible. Here he was, willing to fall on his sword for me and give me exactly what I wanted. But how could I let him do that? How would he not resent me if I allowed this?
“No,” I said. “Just wait a minute.”
“I can’t do another day of this. I tried not to fall in love with you, but you made that impossible. I can’t rein this back in. And I don’t want to.”
He was only inches from my face, gazing at me, and he hadn’t moved. I’d been the one to close the distance between us. Logan had lost control over his carefully maintained self, because of me.
“We’ll figure it out,” I said. “We’re both too determined not to, so don’t go quitting in the meantime. I just need a few more days to accept what happened.”
“You don’t have to. Let me make it right.”
“Wait,” I said, frantic. “Logan, just wait.” And I think my panicked voice echoed that night when I’d been strapped to the table and unable to follow him. His hand slipped behind my neck, cradling my head into his kiss that was exactly like our first, magnified a thousand percent. Slow. Seductive. Filled with so much love and intensity I was powerless to stop my surrender.
“I’d wait forever for you,” he uttered and returned to his task of shutting my brain down with the simple touch of his lips.
My hands came to rest on his jaw, gritting against the stubble there when I eased it back. I held his face in my hands, his eyes on mine. And in this moment, I knew we would be all right. He was willing to give everything up for me, and I knew I’d give everything up for him, if I had to.
“Give me the weekend,” I said. “Don’t do anything until Monday.”
Disappointment ringed his eyes. “The weekend? You’re not coming Sunday?” Because Sunday was the marathon.
