Letty holds me, and we hang onto each other for dear life. Ray paces. It must be a terrible thing to be a physician and have your son become ill with cancer, and not be able to help him. Ray’s mind must always be in doctor mode, and that has to include a prognosis with outcome data that may or may not be positive.
“He’s going to be fine, Cate. You must believe that,” Letty says.
“I do. Only I hate seeing him like this. I don’t want him to be in pain, hurting.”
“He’s medicated. He doesn’t even know we’re here,” Ray says in a comforting tone.
“How are your classes?” Letty asks, trying to divert my attention, but I don’t want to talk about that right now.
“How long before he wakes up?” I ask Ray.
“Maybe tonight. The longer the better for him,” Ray says.
“That’s good. That will give me time to pull myself together.” I sniff.
“He needs that, Cate. He needs your strength. And for you to be here for him,” Letty says.
“Like I could possibly be anywhere else.”
I plant my butt on a chair next to his bed and the only time I leave is to use the restroom or to get something to drink. Food has no meaning for me. He wears a clear mask over his face that streams more oxygen into his lungs, but Ray tells me he’s doing really well. It’s not until his lids crack open and I see him look at me that I smile. I crawl in the bed with him and hold him.
Letty walks in and sees me. “Cate, I’m not sure you should …”
“Let her be, Letty. She’s fine and he needs her right now. She can’t hurt him.” It’s Ray that speaks.
I run my hands over his head, and seek his hand out under the sheet. Lacing our fingers together, I’m happy to feel his slightly tighten against my own. And then I doze off.
Ray wakes me some time later, asking me if I want anything to eat.
“I’m fine.”
“Cate, you need to eat. You didn’t eat yesterday, that I can recall, and you haven’t eaten a thing all day.”
I didn’t notice that Drew’s mask is gone and in its place are those small tubes that go in his nose. When he speaks, I’m surprised. “Eat, Cate. You must be starved.”
I look at him and beam. “Look who’s awake!”
“Yeah, but I feel like I got nailed by an eighteen wheeler.”
“Aww. That bad?”
“Yeah, but the morphine pump is good.”
“Huh?”
He points to a little machine on a pole next to his bed and explains how it works. It makes me feel better that it helps him so much.
“This sure breeds empathy in me for patients who go through this. Maybe I’m going through this for that reason.”
I clamp my mouth shut because I don’t believe that for a second. Drew is the most empathetic person in the world. He would be the last one to be chosen for that reason. And this is what’s killing me about him getting cancer. It should’ve been me.
Ray prods me again for my answer about food. “Okay, just get me whatever you’re having.”
He nods and both he and Letty leave.
“How’s my girl doing?” How can he ask me that? He’s the one lying in bed with his chest ripped open.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
“I’m good, Cate. You’re lying next to me and that’s all I need.”
“Honestly, Drew, you kill me sometimes. How do you feel?”
“Like I said, I feel like a truck hit me. Other than that, good. I’ll be better when I know this surgery did the trick.”
“Me too. Are you thirsty? Can I get you anything?”
“I’d love some ice chips. That’s all I can have yet.”
“You got it.”
Grabbing his large water container, I wander down the hall until I find a nurse to help me. She shows me where the ice machine is and I fill up the cup and bring it back to Drew. When I spoon some into his mouth, he hums his delight.
“Never thought I’d enjoy ice chips so much.”
“It’s the small things in life.”
“And you, Cate.” He hums as I feed him more chips. “I hate I’m putting you through this.”
“Love encompasses a whole lot of things, Drew. And when I fell in love with you, I didn’t fall for only the good times. I fell for it all, including this. I’m here and we’ll get through this. So stop with that kind of talk.”
“I don’t like seeing you with the dark circles under your eyes.”
“And I don’t like seeing you in the hospital, so we’re even.”
He says he’s done with the ice and pats the bed, telling me to get back in. “I want to have you next to me.”
“You got me.” I climb back in and put my head on his shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“I won’t because I have you. You’re it for me.” Then he drifts back to sleep as I worry about what will happen next.
Ray and Letty return and they don’t look so good either. She hands me a bag that contains a chicken salad sandwich and some fries. Ray hands me a large iced tea.
“Thanks.” I get out of the bed to eat, but can only down a few bites. My stomach fights every swallow.
“It’s anxiety, dear. I feel the same way,” Letty says.
Setting my food down on a side table, I stand and pace the room. Letty glances at Ray and then says, “Cate, maybe you should go back home and take a shower. Relax. Try to get some sleep.”
“No. I won’t leave him. I have things here and can shower in his bathroom.”
“Then why don’t you do that? It might relax you some,” she suggests.
After giving it some thought, I decide to go ahead and do exactly that. As soon as the water hits me, the tears break loose. The question I keep asking myself—why Drew—yields no answer. I’ve heard people say they’ve cried themselves out. I wish that would happen to me, because my supply of tears is endless. I need to buck up and pull my shit together. Drew cannot see me like this.
Finishing my shower, I put on a strong front and get dressed. When I come out, he’s awake again. The groggy grin he offers me makes me laugh.
“You look like you’ve had too much to drink.”
“Yeah, I feel like it, too.”
I bend down to kiss him and he tells me I smell lots better now. Ray and Letty chuckle. “Glad you noticed,” I say.
The rest of the day is much the same, with Drew sleeping away most of it. By the third day, he gets antsy and cranky. He wants to go home and I don’t blame him. It seems like he’s constantly getting poked and prodded by a nurse, doctor, or a medical assistant. Sleep becomes more difficult because they withdraw his morphine and transition him to something milder.
“Cate, you need to go home tonight and get a good night’s sleep. Mom and Dad even think so. You don’t have to stay here.”
“I want to,” I insist.
“I know, but I want you to go home. This is crazy. You’re exhausted. You need a solid night of rest and you can’t get that here. I don’t want you getting sick.”
He gets me to agree, so late that night, I head to his apartment. When I crawl in bed, his scent makes me sad, so I end up crying myself to sleep. In the morning, the constant buzzing of my phone wakes me.
“Huh?” I answer.
“Cate?”
“Jenna?”
“Damn! You never answer your phone! I’ve been trying to get you for three days. Thank God for Ben. Drew’s parents are keeping him informed. What the hell is going on with you?”
“I’m sorry. I turned my phone off in the hospital so it wouldn’t disturb Drew.” I fill her in on everything.
“How are you holding up? And don’t give me bullshit answer.”
“I’m fine,” I say, my lip quivering. Then I break down and ugly cry. I mean bad ugly cry. I can’t even talk.
She listens, and then says, “I’m getting in the car and heading there now.”
The phone goes dead. A little over an hour late
r, she’s knocking on the door. I let her in and she wraps me in her arms as I sob my heart out. I literally collapse on the floor in her arms. The last few days have taken their toll on me and I’ve hit rock bottom. My exhaustion coupled with my worry over Drew has burst the dam that held everything in check, and having Jenna there allows me to let it all go.
When the crying passes, I take a shaky breath. “Sorry. I didn’t plan on that.”
“What the fuck are you apologizing for? I’m the one who should be apologizing. I should’ve been here with you. But I tried to call and couldn’t get you.” She pushes my hair off my face and says, “I almost don’t know what to say to you. How to make you feel better. The only thing I know is Drew is strong and a fighter. He’s going to pull out of this. He has one hell of a support team backing him. And a shit ton of love behind him. Not to mention all the news is good, so far.”
“I’m so fucking worried, Jenna. I’ve never been though anything like this. It’s fucking cancer, you know? And it’s a pediatric cancer so they don’t really know the long term.”
“He’s going to kick that cancer in the fucking ass, Cate. You have to believe in that. And you have to believe in him.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know I do. It’s just that I love him so much and I don’t know what I’ll do if anything …”
“Hey, hey, none of that talk. You hear me? We’re not even going to think that way. If anyone can survive this, it’s Drew McKnight.”
She’s right. I put on my best happy face and say, “Yeah. I’m gonna hop in the shower and then I need to get back to the hospital.”
“I’m going with you. Ben’s coming in today, too. You need a bit of relief here.”
“I’m just glad the surgery coincided with my spring break so I had the time off. I don’t know what I would’ve done otherwise.”
We get back to the hospital and the McKnights are already there. They hug Jenna, and Drew smiles at her. It’s a weird time with all of us dancing around the cancer issue. Not much later, Ben walks in.
“Dude, if you wanted attention, why didn’t you just say so? I could’ve worked something out.” Thank God for Ben. We all have a good chuckle and the room seems to lighten up with his presence. Even Drew is more cheerful.
Thirty minutes later, half of his hockey team cruises in. Talk about a crowd. Ray and Letty step outside after the introductions are made, but not Jenna. She eyes every one of the guys, checking them out. I have to laugh. Knowing her, she’ll probably end up hooking up with one of them.
Drew asks Ben if he needs a place to crash.
“No. I have a place. Yours.” Everyone laughs.
Drew makes a fist so Ben can bump it. “You know it, bro. How long you staying?”
“As long as you need me.” The intensity of their stares fills my heart with a deep love for Ben.
Drew smiles and says, “Thanks, bro. I can always count on you.”
“You know it.”
Drew grabs my hand and pulls so I have to sit on the bed. “Between this girl right here, my parents, Ben, Jenna, and the team, what more do I need?”
I want to scream—your health! But I clamp my mouth shut instead. I bend down and kiss him as everyone yells out catcalls.
Ben pats him on the shoulder and asks, “How much longer you in for?”
“A couple more days.”
“Hey, can we take you for a spin in that thing?” Ben points to the wheelchair.
Drew laughs, shaking his head. “Only you, Rhoades.”
“Dude, don’t you want a change of scenery?”
“Have you seen all the shit that’s attached to me?” Drew lifts the covers and Ben starts screaming in the loudest voice possible. Two nurses run into the room while Jenna and I laugh hysterically as do the rest of Drew’s friends. When the nurses see what’s going on, they join in.
“Which one of you is the trouble maker?” one of them asks. Everyone points to a different person and we all laugh again.
“Hey, I wanna bust my friend out of here and take him for a spin in that fancy contraption. How does one go about doing that?” Ben asks.
“You ask his nurse in a very friendly manner,” she answers with a wink. She’s a middle-aged woman with kind brown eyes. She’s been very helpful to me over the last few days.
“Is that right? Well then,” Ben checks out her name tag as he sidles next to her, “Nurse Sandy, I would very much like your kind assistance in taking my best friend here for a ride in that lovely wheelchair. I think he could use a change of scenery and give his beautiful fiancée a break. How about it?” He waggles his brows at her.
“Aww, what a sweet talker you are,” Sandy says. “I’ll gladly help you, if Dr. McKnight’s willing.”
Drew nods and they load him and all his apparatuses up for the ride. I giggle as I watch Ben’s eyes widen in horror when he sees the chest tube and the pleurovac it’s attached to.
“AHHHH! Why didn’t you warn me?” he cries.
“Dude. Grow some balls and act like a man. And I tried.”
They leave with the hockey team trailing behind.
As soon as the coast is clear, Jenna accosts me. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” Jenna accuses.
“Tell you what?”
“How hot Drew’s friends are?”
“I don’t know. I guess I never paid attention.”
“Figures. You fall in love and forget about your best friend.”
That night, the three of us sit around Drew’s apartment. He made me go home with them, saying he would sleep better knowing I was there.
Ben grabs a beer out of the fridge and says, “He looks good, Cate. A lot better than I thought he would. Except for all that shit hanging off him.” Ben shakes his head. “I don’t know how anyone can want to be a doctor.”
“I agree,” Jenna says. “About the Drew looking good part. Well, about both, actually.”
I half smile.
“He told me all the tests came back good,” Ben says.
“Yeah. That’s why they did the excision,” I say.
“He’s going to be fine. I just know it.” Ben squeezes my shoulder.
My phone starts to ring. It’s Mom.
“I have to get this. It’s my mom.” We talk for about twenty minutes. She’s been so great throughout this whole thing. When I hang up I promise to call her tomorrow.
Jenna and Ben are talking quietly when I return to the conversation. They look up at me with guilt written all over them.
“Spill.”
“Nothing.” Jenna is as bad of a liar as I am.
“Liar. I know when you’re hiding something.”
Ben steps into the conversation. “I shared something with her that I probably shouldn’t have.”
“What?”
“Cate, Drew asked me not to say anything.” Ben looks really uncomfortable.
“What is it?”
“You know, this puts me in a fucked up position. Me and my damn big mouth.”
“Is this something I should know?” I ask.
Ben takes a huge breath. When he does my gut twists. This is bad. “If I tell you, I betray my best friend’s confidence. And where does that leave me or what does that say about me?”
“Ben, Drew has cancer. I need to know if it’s something that has to do with his health. I love him more than my own life. Can you try to see past what you just told me? I won’t tell him. I just need to know.”
My face is wet again from tears. Jenna has her arm around me and says, “Just tell her, Ben. What more can it do?”
He rubs his neck. “Yeah, okay. He’s really scared about all of this, Cate. More so than he’s telling you. He doesn’t want you to know that. The issue is the fact that the information on treating this type of cancer in adults is so varied. He told me if he were fourteen, he’d feel much better about the diagnosis. The other thing is the location of the cancer. The prognosis is better when it occurs in the limbs, specifically in the legs. Not the ribs. That’s what el
se is bothering him. I think the fact that he’s a doctor makes it so much worse.”
When I really sob, Ben says, “And this is why I didn’t want to say anything.”
“She needs to know this, Ben. She needs to be there one hundred percent for Drew.”
I hate that Drew feels he can’t tell me these things. I’m supposed to be the one he can lean on. I’m supposed to be the one he runs to. Not Ben or his parents. I want to scream, cry, kick, yell. Something, anything to release my emotions.
“It’s just not fair.”
“Nothing’s fair. You should’ve learned that by now,” Jenna says.
“Jenna, don’t be so harsh,” Ben says.
Jenna looks chastised. But she’s right. Nothing is fair in life.
“UGGGGH! Of anyone, it should’ve been me. Drew … he’s so good and kind.” And that’s when it hits me. There’s a good chance he’s not going to make it. It’s the old saying—only the good die young that comes to mind and Drew is the best there is.
My face must reflect my thoughts because both Jenna and Ben say, “What is it?”
Jenna adds, “You’ve turned gray.”
In an expressionless voice, I say, “He may not make it.”
Jenna gasps. “How can you say such a thing?”
Ben doesn’t speak.
“Only the good die young, Jenna.”
“And you’re going to let a stupid saying dictate Drew’s life expectancy?”
“No, I’m letting the cancer do that.”
“You can’t! You have to fight it!”
The life has been sucked out of me. “I wish it were me. I wish I were the one sick, instead of him. He doesn’t deserve this. He’s never done a bad thing in his life.” When they say your heart breaks, whoever “they” is doesn’t have a clue what they’re talking about. Broken isn’t close. Shattered—no cigar. Splintered—nothing doing. Pulverized—where every tiny part is crushed beyond recognition—that’s about how it feels. All the bits of my heart couldn’t possibly be put back together because they are completely annihilated.
Jenna hugs me and whispers, “It’s not you, Cate. It’s not you. And you have to hold it together for him.”
Cruel & Beautiful Page 30
