She’s right. Yet, I can’t talk to him either. He doesn’t deserve what I did to him. He’s been nothing but good to me. So I write him a letter explaining that I’m leaving town. I ask for his forgiveness and for his understanding. I leave with strict instructions to Jenna for her not to tell him where I’ve gone if he should ask. Only fate put us together again.
Present
I take Andy’s hand in mine. “There are a few things I need to show you and do before I can answer you.”
When we get to my place, he sits on the couch when I go to my room to get something. I come back to the room and sit next to him before I hand him the letter. It’s the letter Ben gave to me from Drew those many, many months ago.
I WALK UP TO ANDY, OR Drew, as I should now call him, and hand him the manila envelope I received last week. It was from Ben, which surprised me a little, but the mysterious contents intrigued me even more. Inside were two more envelopes, one addressed to me, and the other said, “The One—Cate—DO NOT OPEN!”
When I read the letter in the one addressed to me, my emotions were all over the place as I was thrown by the handwriting. Of course, I should have known he would’ve thought of everything. And he did.
Cate,
If you’re reading this, then Ben has deemed it was the appropriate time to pass this along, which means you have found THE ONE. Ben’s instructions were to send you this when he knew you had either fallen in love again, or were getting married. I hope, for your sake, that you are the happiest woman in the world. It is my most fervent wish that you live life to its fullest with the man of your dreams.
The other envelope is for him. Don’t you dare open it. If he chooses to share it with you, that is his business.
Be happy. You deserve nothing less than the best.
Yours,
Drew
Tears clouded my vision when I read it.
Now I stand before my other Drew, or Andy, and hand him his letter. His eyes ping back and forth between it and me. “What is this?”
“It’s from Drew. Ben sent it.”
A V forms between his brows and he turns it over a few times in his hands as he stares at it. He sits on the couch with his forearms resting on his thighs. I can’t even imagine what he must be thinking as he holds a letter from his girlfriend’s deceased husband.
“This is pretty weird, Cate.”
“Yeah, I know. If you don’t want to read it …”
“No, I do.” He fills his lungs with air and very gently opens the thick paper. Inside, I see the familiar handwriting, but I don’t dare peek. I walk to the other side of the room as he reads. He stops for a moment, wipes his face, and continues. When he’s finished, there isn’t a dry part of his face. Tears freely run and he does nothing to stop them. His arm extends out to me with the letter in his hand.
“You should read this.”
I take it from him and exchange it for a handful of tissues. Then I begin.
To THE ONE,
Since you’re reading this, Cate has either consented to marry you or has told you she’s fallen in love with you. If you haven’t yet asked her to marry you, you’d better do so. Love—those words don’t come easy for her, nor does she say them frivolously to just anyone. So you are one lucky bastard, let me tell you. And with that being said, I would ask that you treat her like the most precious bird alive. Most people think their loved ones need to be treated like gems. But gems are hard, and don’t need special care. Cate does. Don’t let her fly away. I’m sure she wanted to run from you. She probably felt guilty about loving you. Tell her I said to forget about that damn guilt. It’s a useless emotion that will bring her nothing but more pain. If she’s chosen you, you’d better do everything in your power to deserve her, because she’s special.
Cate changed my life. She has a way of putting her handprint on things and when she does, they are never the same again. She did that to me. She put the extra beat in my heart, made the blood flow faster through my veins, made my soul burn brighter and my sprit grow deeper. Once she entered my life, I knew there was no going back. I hope she does that to you, too. I once said that getting cancer made me more empathetic. That wasn’t true. It was Cate who did that to me.
I wanted her to move on and to find someone else after me, and I’m glad she did. My friend, Ben, has my permission to kick your ass if you’re not good to her. And he will. He’s that kind of guy. But I’m hoping he doesn’t have to because I truly want you to make her the happiest woman on Earth. For everything I put her through, she deserves it.
Now go and do her right. Treat her well and love her with everything you’ve got. You won’t be disappointed.
Drew McKnight
The letter flutters out of my hand because I’m incapable of anything, standing, seeing, talking, or breathing. Andy’s scent is all around me, so I know he’s there as I break into all the pieces Drew loved.
“Cate, baby, it’s going to be okay.”
I’m not so sure. Drew has been gone now for almost three years, yet the pain still stabs me in the chest like it happened yesterday. I feel like one of the pieces of me left with all the pieces of him when they departed this world.
“I’m sorry. It just came back. He was always a good guy and here he proves it in death.” I sob. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. You wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with if that letter didn’t affect you. He loved you and I have big shoes to fill.”
I let him hold me as I continue to cry. Somewhere as Andy holds me with no judgment, no jealousy, no anything but all of his love, a piece inside that was missing fits into place.
As the tears slow, I realize I’m blessed for having Drew for the time I did. He showed me what love is, what it was meant to be. He gave me the tools to know when love was right. He gave me all of him as I had given all of myself in return. He wanted me to find love again. And I have. I hadn’t been sure until this point that I had a hundred percent to give back to someone else. But I was wrong.
I think back to something Drew said long ago. He said he didn’t believe in one soul mate for everyone. And I’m grateful he’s right. Not that I wanted him to pass from this earth and from me. But I’m humbled to have found someone else I could love so completely, who loves me the same way.
Immeasurable eyes, the color of calm clear seas, cornflowers blowing in the breeze and the skies on the clearest days, wait patiently as I break over another man. It’s then I know for sure that I’m the luckiest woman in the world. Not many people are given a second chance at love. I won’t waste mine.
“Yes,” I say.
He has no idea that while staring at him, I know I’ve built myself up again and I’m ready to take the plunge.
“Yes?”
“Yes, I’ll marry you if you’ll have me.”
The drive isn’t long and neither is the walk. Cate’s hands are linked in mine and she’s not sure why I brought us here because I haven’t told her. There’s no noise as we walk across the grass to a place of eternal rest, or so they say. The birds are even respectful as a peaceful calm greets us as we make our way to the stone.
It isn’t fancy, because according to all I’ve learned, it wasn’t Drew’s style to be. The marble headstone is simple and has just the right number of words.
Andrew Standford McKnight
Cherished Son
and
Loving Husband
I glance down at Cate. Nerves are starting to get the better of me. I squeeze her hand while I run the other over my hair. I try to smile to encourage her as I search for the words I haven’t exactly practiced. I turn away from her to give my attention to the headstone.
“I’m not sure how to do this.” I pause, still unsure of what I want to say. Diving in, I say what’s in my heart. “McKnight, I don’t really expect that you are here, but I hope in some way, you hear me. I would like to respond to the letter you wrote. Most importantly, I hope for your blessing of Cate�
�s hand. Just so you know, I asked her father and he approved, but I need your approval as well.” I blow out a breath. The guy wrote a letter that could have moved a mountain. “I can’t reply to your letter with words on a page, so here I am. You’re right that Cate is someone special. And I know that part of who she is today has been shaped by how you loved her. I’m grateful for that role you played in her life. I promise you I will treat her like she is the last of her kind because she is. I plan to only love one woman and she’s the one. She’s my bird and I promise to keep her heart safe and love her with all of me, the same way you did. She had no idea why we came, by the way. But it was important for me to tell you that she’s in the right hands before she walks down the aisle. I don’t ever expect her to stop loving you. I’m not that petty or jealous because I know she’s capable of loving both of us. You mean the world to her and I plan to do my best to make her as happy as you did. You are sorely missed and this woman, our hospital, this world was a better place with you in it. And without you, there is a part missing. I expect you to watch over our girl when I can’t. And may we meet again one day sometime very far in the future.”
Still holding Cate’s hand, I watch as she lays a bunch of flowers at the foot of the headstone. I didn’t ask why she chose the flowers she did. I figured they meant something and according to the web, they did. The white carnations represent remembrance. The purple lilacs mean first love and the gladiolas represents strength of character. They are great choices for everything I know about the man.
I hand Cate some tissues from my pocket. She gives me that shy smile she gave me the first day we met. Then I knew there was something special about her, but she’d been a colleague’s wife. Today, she will become mine.
We get to the church on time, but Cate’s mother still hustles her away. Something about me not seeing the bride on her wedding day.
I’m sent to the boys’ room where I find Mitch, Dave and Ben sitting around talking, looking hung over.
“Where have you been? Jenna’s furious you both missed the brunch buffet.”
“I had business to take care of,” I say offhandedly. Ben was Drew’s best friend, but what Cate and I did this morning is between us. If she chooses to share, she will.
Mitch laughs. “That’s code word for banging his bride before the wedding.”
He’s wrong about that. Jenna convinced Cate that us not having sex the month before the wedding would be good for the honeymoon. As much as I’ve tried to explain to Cate that my balls in fact do appear to be blue, she’s been unwilling to give me a second opinion. She tells me she’s just as needy as I am.
“No sex, thanks to his sister.” I point an accusatory finger at Ben.
He shrugs. “She has all kinds of stats on that shit.”
Dave just looks amused and changes the direction of the conversation. “Your sister is really hot. Is she still dating that guy?”
Ben’s eyes grow horns and appear as though they are glowing red. “I’ve heard enough about you two to know neither of you should ever think about my sister.”
Mitch laughs. “All’s fair in sex and booze at a wedding.”
Ben’s about to say something, but Dad knocks on the door. “Time.”
The guys eye me, but I’m not nervous. I want Cate with every fiber of my being. My only wildest fear is if she’ll break her promise and run. And even that fear has diminished over the last several months. I trust her completely.
At the altar, when they begin to play that familiar tune, I stand and stare at the door opening. I wait until Cate appears and when she does all the air is sucked out of my lungs. She’s so fucking beautiful I can only blink. Mitch taps my back and I remember to breathe.
Her hair is pulled back in some elaborate way I can’t focus on because her face is radiant and I still can’t quite believe she’s mine. My gaze lowers to the dress I hadn’t been allowed to see, let alone hear about. It isn’t quite white and has fabric that hangs purposefully off her shoulders, leaving her collarbones exposed. That skin alone is enough to get my dick hard. Like the sex deprived guy I am, I focus on the little amount of cleavage she has on display and lick my lips. I feel like an asshole as I try to hide my hard on as my gorgeous bride walks toward me with tulips that look almost white in her hand. But from what I overheard the bridesmaids say at the rehearsal dinner, they are actually a pale yellow. Knowing what I do about Cate, I’d searched for the meaning and yellow tulips means hopelessly in love. She has no idea that she’s talking about me because I’m just that far gone when it comes to her.
When her father hands her off to me, I don’t hear the minister. He spoke at the rehearsal, so I know what he plans to say. I stand in awe of my bride feeling like the luckiest bastard on the planet. Then I have a moment to say a prayer for feeling guilty. If not for Drew McKnight passing from this world, I wouldn’t have this opportunity. I know what I have to do. When it comes time, I am ready.
I take her hands in mine and stare into the windows of her soul because she needs to know I’ve never felt this way about anyone else and I never will. She is my first and my last, my only and now is the time to not only tell her, but tell the world.
“Cate McKnight, I knew when I met you I wasn’t your first love. That honor belonged to Drew McKnight. And his shoes won’t be easy to fill. I’m thankful to him for encouraging you to love again, thus giving me the greatest opportunity of a lifetime to spend it with you.” I want to glance at his parents who sit somewhere in the pews to the left of me, but I refuse to take my eyes off my girl. “I knew this when I decided you were the one with whom I wanted to share my life. Your beauty, your heart, and your mind encourage me to be the best person I can be. And I vow that I will do whatever it takes to be, if not your first, your last love. I promise to love you without reservation, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you, comfort you in times of distress, always be open and honest with you, cherish and be faithful to you for as long as we both shall live. For this is my promise and my solemn vow.”
I see Cate’s tears and reluctantly, I let her hand go to produce a tissue from my pocket. This is something I did the first day we met and it seems as important. She smiles at me in a way that tells me she remembers as well, and dabs her eyes with it. Then she takes my hand again and it’s her turn.
“Drew Mercer, I didn’t think I could love again or even want to. When you came in my life, you came with your patience and understanding. You offered friendship and encouragement in my time of need. Our love wasn’t hurried. It came over time in a way that scared me at first, but made me feel secure in the end. Drew McKnight did leave big shoes to fill and not because he wore a size fourteen.” That gets a few laughs and even a chuckle from me. “But I know Drew would approve of you knowing you could handle the job. I promise from this day forward I will give you all my love and you will not walk alone. Your love is my anchor, your trust, my strength. I give you shelter for your heart and may my arms be your home. I willingly give you all that I am and all that I will become. My love for you has no beginning or no end. For this is my promise and my solemn vow.”
I want to kiss her now. I want to take her in my arms and tell her that her words are my own. But I wait as the minister has us say a few more things before he finally lets me kiss my bride. Her lips are my lifeline and I have to break it off, otherwise I’ll have a serious tent in my pants. When she pulls backs, she leans up again. Her lips slide against my cheek and up to my ear.
“There is one more thing I need to tell you, husband.”
I wait as everyone gets on their feet ready for us to walk down the aisle joined hand in hand.
“We’re having a baby.”
And I thought there was no greater joy in marrying the woman I love until I hear those words.
After pictures and the cutting of the cake, I can’t wait any longer.
“Where are we going?” Cate asks as I take her hand in mine and drag her along with me.
“The limo.”
Her eyes grow in size and it only makes me harder. “Fuck Cate, you can’t look at me like that. I won’t last.”
The door is unlocked and the driver is nowhere in sight. I take her down NFL style, full on tackle. My hands gather more and more of her dress with no end in sight.
“How much fabric does this dress have?”
She laughs. “Wait, let me help you.”
She’s teasing me and she doesn’t know the state I’m in. Seeing her and not being able to touch her for the last month has made me lose all finesse. I kiss her hard and her teasing dies away. She fists her hand in my hair, tugging me closer and I know she’s as desperate as I am for me to be buried balls deep inside her.
There’s no need for a condom, as if I’d worn any since that first time without one—which explains the baby thing. After I dip two fingers inside her and find her wet and ready, I dive in.
I groan out my relief because she’s heaven. I languish being inside her skin to skin. When her nails dig in my ass, that’s her sign, telling me to move. I oblige and rock myself forward hard and at a steady pace.
“Harder,” she begs.
I lift her ass off the seat and angle her differently. I know just how to set her off and give her her first orgasm in seconds. Her pussy milks my dick, almost setting me off. But I’m not ready yet. It feels so damn good to be inside her again, I want it to last. So as a diversion, I think of work for a second and that halts everything. Leaning down, I capture her lips in a searing kiss. She tastes like the sweetest cake and I feel myself building again.
It isn’t long before I’m saying, “Fuck Cate, I’m going to come.”
My words rocket her second orgasm. Her back arches off the seat and I ride her all the way back down. My climax jars me so hard, I collapse on top of her when I’m done.
“I hope you believe me now that my balls really were a nice shade of blue.”
Cruel & Beautiful Page 42
