Intentions - SF9

by Meagher, Susan X

  Catherine tilted her head just a bit as she asked, "What does that mean when you say you forgive him?"

  "Well, I'll tell you what it doesn't mean," she said. "It doesn't mean that I've forgotten what he's done-to any of us. He tried to hurt you, Jamie, and me, and I will never forget any of his actions. When I say I forgive him, it just means that I'm no longer invested in continuing the fight. I won't ever try to exact revenge," she explained.

  "So you just mean that you don't need to get even or force him to make amends?"

  "Yeah. That's about it. He can't really make amends because what he did will always be between us. I have a very, very long memory, and I am certain that I will never trust him. What he did was calculating and callous and terribly cruel. He fully intended to hurt you and me in any way that he could just to have his own way. That wasn't just the heat of passion talking. He meant everything that he did, and I have no doubt that he would have hurt me physically if he'd thought it would achieve his ends. It takes a certain kind of self-centeredness to act like he did, and that's not something that will ever go away. I'll always keep an eye on him."

  "But you still forgive him?" she asked incredulously.

  "Absolutely. To keep the wound open will only hurt me, and I refuse to participate in that. I can be perfectly civil to him, and I'm sure I will eventually even enjoy spending time with him. But I will never trust him, and I will never, ever give him the opportunity to hurt me again."

  "I just find it remarkable that you are willing to do this for Jamie."

  Ryan looked at her with her piercing blue eyes and leveled her gaze. "I would die for her, Catherine. Having a topically friendly relationship with her father is nothing compared to what I would do for her."

  "I am so glad that she found you, Ryan. You've brought out the best in her."

  "I'm the lucky one, Catherine. And to get you as a mother-in-law is just an added bonus!"

  As they left the restaurant Catherine dangled the keys in front of Ryan and asked, "Care to drive?"

  With reflexes as quick as a jungle cat's, Ryan snatched the keys away, just in case Catherine decided to withdraw her offer. "Can I drop the top?" she asked, her blue eyes dancing.

  "For that smile you can drop the top and choose what we listen to on the stereo," Catherine said, linking hands with her daughter-in-law as they walked down the street to the Mercedes.

  Ryan got the seat and mirrors adjusted to her satisfaction, then hit the button and listened to the cloth top secure itself into the trunk. "I love this car," she said, with a bright smile.

  "It suits you," Catherine decided, thinking that the bright red convertible matched Ryan's personality quite well.

  "Thanks," she grinned. "Now I'll just find some tunes I like, and we're off." She started to run through the CD's that Catherine had in the changer, giving her mother-in-law a slight frown as she did so. "All classical all the time, huh?"

  "Yes, I'm afraid so, Dear. My knowledge of what songs were current came to a grinding halt around 1978, I'm afraid."

  "One of my favorite years," Ryan smiled. "I actually have a few selections from your era in my bag," she indicated. "Would you pull my CD case out?"

  Catherine did so, and she spent a minute flipping through the choices. "I don't recognize most of them, Dear, but I owned a few of these when I was in college. Why the interest in ancient history?"

  "It's not so ancient. I like some of it because it's the music my mother liked," she admitted. "Some of it appeals to me because my cousin Michael got me hooked. It's hard to say why some music touches your heart, to be honest. I've never gotten into rap or hip-hop, and I hate the current group of pop artists, so I tend to go retro." She smiled as she added, "No offense, of course."

  "None taken," Catherine assured her. "So what is your choice?" she asked shaking the CD case a little.

  "Pick something that you know," Ryan urged. "We can sing together to stay awake."

  The older woman smiled at her and chose a disc that she hadn't heard in many years. Popping it into the cartridge Ryan smiled and said, "I pulled this one out to work on a song I sang in honor of my cousin. The anniversary of his death was a couple of weeks ago."

  Catherine gave her a sympathetic smile and nodded. "Jamie told me about that, Dear. She was very moved by your performance."

  "Eh…" Ryan shrugged. "The choir was great, I just helped out."

  The CD whirled in the player, song after song forcing Catherine to think back to her youth until she finally took the lyrics out of the jewel case to recall the words of the once very familiar tunes.

  The pair sang along companionably, the brisk wind blowing their hair in the breeze. The night was clear and the stars were dotting the sky, the lights of the city obscuring all but the brightest of them. When Ryan didn't hear Catherine's voice for a few minutes she shot a look at her, dismayed to see tears streaking down her cheeks. "Hey, what's wrong?" she asked softly, turning down the volume of the player.

  Catherine sighed, embarrassed to be caught in such a vulnerable moment. She shook her head briskly, trying to dry her eyes with a tissue and ignore the question. But Ryan was too determined for that, and she pressed the point. "Catherine? You can talk about how you're feeling if it will help. I'm a good listener."

  Something about Ryan's soothing, gentle tone make her open up a little, sharing her feelings in a way she was only just now getting used to with Jamie. "I remember playing this album when Jim and I were dating," she said softly. "I identified very strongly with a few songs on here…especially 'Too Shy to Say.' It made me think of how it felt to be falling for Jim and not having the nerve to let him know how I felt."

  Ryan moved her right hand from the wheel and gave Catherine's thigh a squeeze. "I like that song too," she said. "I felt a little like that with Jamie."

  Catherine smiled and placed her hand atop Ryan's, feeling the smooth skin that covered her powerful but gentle hands. "It's hard to think that the song playing now had no meaning for me then," she said. "Now it's the only one that makes sense to me."

  The song was entitled "It Ain't No Use," and as it continued to play, Ryan thought of how it must feel to have this sad song be the only one that stood out. She said nothing for a while, letting the words wash over her,

  As I look back I'm merely trying to see,

  Just what it was that made us spark

  'Cause the fire's out, it leaves no doubt,

  the flame's not burning in our hearts.

  We still are young and both of us have time,

  To find our winter love in spring

  'Cause we know the truth, it ain't no use.

  We're not each other's everything.

  Ryan shot Catherine a sympathetic gaze and patted her leg once again. "I can't tell you how sorry I am, Catherine. I know you loved him…I think you still do," she added.

  "Yes, yes, I do," she whispered through her tears. "Through everything that he's done…all of the ways he's hurt me and my child, there's something that isn't dead yet, Ryan. I don't know if that means I'm too hard-headed to let go, or if my love for him is still alive, but it eats at me, Ryan. It honestly breaks my heart."

  "It's not over yet, Catherine," Ryan reminded her. "You never know what will happen."

  "That's true," Catherine sighed. "I suppose I need to see how this story ends." Looking up at Ryan she pasted on a brave smile and said, "Maybe there's still a happy ending in store for us."

  They were now in front of the house and Ryan asked, "Do you want to come in and say hi to Jamie?"

  "Oh, Honey, I'd rather not. I don't like her to see me when I've been crying."

  "She can handle it, Catherine. She's a pretty strong woman."

  "You're right, Dear," the older woman smiled. "Perhaps it's just my own insecurities." She looked at Ryan and said, "I'd still rather not."

  "Okay," Ryan agreed quietly. She put the car into park and got out, going over to the passenger side as Catherine exited. As the smaller woman looked up at he
r, Ryan encircled her with her long arms, holding her close until Catherine began to lean more heavily against her, finally allowing the warm hug to break through her carefully erected defenses. She sagged against Ryan, feeling younger and more vulnerable than she had felt in years, and the powerful arms tightened around her to hold her up.

  "Let it out, Catherine," Ryan whispered. "It's okay. Just let it out."

  The distraught woman cried for several minutes, her tears flowing unabated. Ryan hated to see her so upset, but she knew that her mother-in-law couldn't get through the coming months without a lot of tears falling from her warm brown eyes, and she was glad that she was here with her now, providing what comfort she could.

  Catherine's blonde head finally lifted, and she reached into the car for another tissue, blotting her eyes repeatedly. "You've certainly seen me at my worst, Ryan," she said, a mild chuckle rising up from her chest.

  "I've seen you at your best, too, Catherine," Ryan insisted. "Any way you are is just fine with me. We're family, remember?"

  "Yes, I remember," she said softly. "It's one of the things that's kept me going over the last months. I hope you know that, Ryan."

  "You mean a lot to me, Catherine. Are you sure you can drive home? We have an extra bed, you know."

  "No, no, I'm fine. Please don't worry about me."

  Ryan stroked her still-wet cheek and said, "I do worry about you, Catherine. One of the pleasant duties of family. Call when you get home, okay?"

  "I'll will, Ryan…thank you," she added, standing on her tiptoes to place a kiss on her daughter-in-law's cheek.

  Catherine walked into the kitchen a little before midnight. She slipped off her butterscotch suede jacket, exposing the off-white cashmere turtleneck, and twitched the sweater smooth over her dark brown wool slacks more from habit than need, since no one was up to see her.

  She had called Jim from the car just a few minutes after leaving Ryan, but he had not answered the phone at his apartment. She left a message telling him that she'd be home around midnight if he wanted to call back. To her surprise, the phone rang at twelve on the dot, and she answered immediately.

  "Hello?"

  "Catherine, it's Jim," he said, sounding a little concerned. "Is everything all right?"

  "Yes, everything is fine, Jim. I was actually calling to see if you were interested in coming home this weekend."

  "Home?" he said slowly, not at all sure of her meaning.

  "Yes. As you probably know, both Jamie and Ryan are playing in tournaments at Stanford this weekend."

  "And…?" he asked, thinking that she was inviting him, but having his doubts.

  "The girls are staying here for the weekend, Jim, and Ryan's entire family will be here for a little party on Friday night. If you would like to come, it might be a good opportunity for you to meet her family and get to know her a little. I think Jamie would like it," she added needlessly.

  "I'd be happy to come, Catherine. I appreciate that you're inviting me." He paused for just a second and asked, "How do you feel about me coming? Are you all right with it?"

  "Of course," she said quickly. There was a tense silence as she added, "I'd like you to come too."

  She could hear his smile even though she couldn't see it. "That's great, Catherine," he said. "I'll have my secretary make the arrangements. I suppose I should stay in San Mateo so I don't have to drive all the way into the city…"

  "Stay here, Jim," she said before she had time to stop herself. "Surely we can manage to share a house for one weekend." Her tone was light, and it was clear that she was trying to inject some humor into a relatively tense situation.

  "I'd like that, Catherine," he said quietly. "I've missed you."

  "It's hard to have your routine destroyed," she ventured, trying to take the emotional note out of the conversation. "I'm sure Jamie will like having you here, Jim." She added, deciding that she'd better be clear, "Will you have a problem with her and Ryan sleeping together?"

  He whistled through his teeth, letting out a low chuckle as he said, "You certainly know how to destroy a perfectly good mood."

  "I just don't want there to be any nasty surprises this weekend, Jim. The girls are lovers, and they act very familiar with each other. I doubt they'll censor themselves because you're here. I'd rather that you didn't come if you don't think you can tolerate this."

  He tried to brush off her concern again, saying, "No 'don't ask, don't tell' policy at the house, eh?"

  "This is serious, Jim," she warned.

  He sighed and said, "I know it is, Catherine, and I wish I could lie and say that it doesn't bother me, but it does. I uh…I think the sexual element is a big part of my discomfort with Ryan. I just don't want her in my daughter's bed," he said, his voice tight with tension.

  "You can either get over that on your own, or you can try to work through it with Jamie, Jim. Those are your only options if you want to be close with her."

  "I know that's not politically correct, but it's how I feel, Catherine," he pleaded.

  "I hate to have to compromise my beliefs over this issue."

  "No one is asking you to compromise your beliefs, Jim." After a pause she asked, "What are they anyway?"

  There was a long silence as Jim tried to control his temper. "I don't believe that straight people should always have to tread lightly to avoid offending gay people! I don't want my child to be gay, and I'd prefer that I didn't have to witness her behavior, but I realize that isn't my choice any longer."

  "Jim, I don't mean to belittle you, but those are not beliefs. Those are prejudices."

  "How do you do it, Catherine? How do you handle seeing her with that woman? Doesn't it bother you in the least to know what they do together?"

  She sighed heavily and took a moment to think about her answer, assuming that his question was sincere. "I don't know why, but it bothered me more to think of Jamie with Jack," she admitted.

  "What?"

  "You heard me. I knew what she and Jack did together-I knew they did the same kinds of things that I did. But I don't know what it's like to love a woman, so I don't really have many mental images to deal with. Ignorance can be bliss, Jim."

  He shook his head, mentally chiding himself for all of the XXX movies with a lesbian theme that he had watched from his hotel rooms over the years. "It's different for you," he insisted. "She's not rejecting your entire sex!"

  "She's not rejecting yours either, Jim. I certainly didn't feel that she was rejecting women when she was with Jack," she said in a frustrated tone. "Where do you even come up with arguments like this?"

  "I don't know," he said glumly, sounding like a little boy who had been scolded. "I just don't want to have to think of them…like that."

  "Look, Jim," she said firmly, "I try to treat Jamie like what she is-an adult. I don't get involved in my friends' sex lives, and I don't think I should intrude on Jamie's either. It's still a little odd for me when I see them kiss, but I'm happy that they act naturally around me. I guarantee that she will not spend any time alone with you until you make her believe that you accept both her relationship and her lover."

  "Do you have to call her that?" he winced.

  "What would you prefer?" she asked calmly.

  "Anything that sounded less sexual!"

  "All right, let's call Ryan her partner. You can delude yourself into believing it's a business relationship."

  "This isn't funny, Catherine," he said in a clipped voice.

  "I agree this is far from humorous, Jim. You seem nearly phobic about the sexual aspect of their relationship. I think you have to put that out of your mind and focus on their emotional bond."

  "Fine. I'll focus on the bond Jamie has with her and ignore the fact that she used to have that with me!"

  Catherine actually felt some empathy for him at that moment. She knew that her husband needed to control every aspect of his life, and she could well imagine that no longer being able to control Jamie was wreaking havoc on his psyche. "She neve
r had that with you, Jim. The love you have for a parent is nothing like the bond you feel for your lov…partner," she said quickly as she corrected herself. "She has the capacity to love you both, if you will only let her."

  He sighed, a thoroughly defeated man as he whispered, "Is this the only way?"

  "Yes," she said firmly. "It is the only way."

  On Wednesday morning Jim put in a call to Jamie's cell phone as soon as he thought she might be up. Ryan had already left, and she was just about to head to class when the call came in.

  "Hi, Daddy," she said, finding that she no longer experienced a sense of dread when she heard his voice. "What's up?"

  "Your mother called last night, Honey, and she has generously asked me to come down this weekend for the Stanford matches. I'd love to come, but I wanted to make sure you would like me to."

  "Oh, well, yes, that would be great." She paused for a minute and asked, "Do you think you're ready for that, Dad? Ryan's whole family will be there…" She trailed off, not needing to mention her wish to have him attend only if he was able to behave himself.

  "I want to get to know her better, Jamie," he said. "I can't think of a better way to know someone than to see them with their family."

  "Okay, Dad, if you feel like making an effort, I'd be glad to have you come."

  "Great, Honey, that's just great. I think I'll come this afternoon and spend some time at the office. I'm still trying to wind up some work that I couldn't get finished before I left for Washington."

  "Oh, okay," she said.

  "Any chance we could have dinner together?" he asked hopefully.

  She considered the offer for just a moment, deciding that she needed to reserve some time alone with her father in order to normalize relations once again. "Sure. I have a lot of studying to do since it's mid-term week, so it'll have to be a quick one."