She wished she could believe that she would too. She just hoped she wouldn't see him again for a long, long time.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Karen had hoped to leave without seeing Saul again but it was not to be. When she got down to the reception desk next morning, all packed and ready to leave, he was there, leaning against the counter, chatting to the pretty girl on the other side of it.
He saw Karen and came up beside her. 'Good morning.' He turned a pleasant, non-committal smile on her. 'Sleep well?'
She had hardly slept at all. 'Very well, thank you.'
'Good. I thought you might be making an early start and I wanted to make sure there weren't any snags for you to cope with.'
'Thank you,' she said rather blankly. She hadn't expected this, but evidently Saul had decided on his approach to the situation between them. Friendly, businesslike. Well, that was how she had planned it too.
'How are you fixed for currency?' he asked. 'Your bill here will be paid, of course, and your shuttle back to Mexico City. You already have your return flight to the U.K. booked for—when?'
'Er—Sunday,' she said faintly. He might have been briefing a subordinate going on a business trip. She supposed that was how he saw her now.
'But what about Ben—have you considered him? I don't suppose he'll be ready to travel tomorrow.'
'I—I don't know. No, he probably won't.' She was really handling this very badly. An efficient personal assistant should be taking all this in her stride. But she'd had a wretched sleepless night and Saul's presence was playing havoc with her self-possession. She made an effort to concentrate on what she was saying. 'I'll have to see how Ben is when I reach the hospital, and then perhaps arrange to postpone our flight.'
'Yes—well—I'm sure you're quite capable of handling all that.' He sounded rather bored now. 'When you're ready I'll drive you to the airport and book your flight. I'm not sure what time the morning shuttle leaves, you may have to wait.'
'There's no need to bother you,' she said quickly. 'I can get a cab.'
'No bother. Is this all your baggage?' He picked up her travelling case. 'Come along then.' He led the way out to the car.
She sat stiffly beside him in the hired sports car. Not much longer now and then it would be over. If only she could just keep a grip on herself for as long as it took! She said brightly, 'So you're off to Japan?'
He nodded, his eyes on the road ahead. 'Tomorrow morning, I'm flying direct. You're in the team now so I can tell you—I'm planning a tie-up with a Japanese company. If it comes off it'll be the biggest thing I've handled. You'll be hearing all about it in due course.'
'It sounds exciting,' Karen said primly. 'I wish you success.' She looked at his hands on the wheel, the brown sensitive fingers, the gold watch-bracelet, the fine dark hair on his bare forearms. Oh God, why couldn't he have just put her in a taxi? Why did she have to endure this desolation?
He went on talking about his plans, he sounded enthusiastic and excited. 'Your Ben and his designs may fit in very well if this new venture comes off,' he said. 'I've got all sorts of ideas for Clark's Components.'
'Really? That's splendid.' She was near to breaking point—in another minute she would begin to howl and make an utter fool of herself.
They arrived just in time to save her from that last indignity. The very act of moving, walking, getting away from the intimate closeness of the car gave her a respite.
Saul handled the formalities rapidly. 'You're going to have a bit of a wait, I'm afraid. Sorry I can't stop and buy you a coffee. Think you can manage now?'
'Yes, thank you, and thank you very much for your help.' Go, please go quickly, she was screaming inside.
He smiled down at her cheerfully. 'My regards to Ben. I hope you'll find him much improved. Tell him I'll be in touch as soon as I get back, he should have got into harness again by then. There'll be a good deal of legal stuff to get through.'
'I'll tell him,' she said. 'Have a good trip.'
'Thanks,' he said. 'Goodbye, Karen, I'll be seeing you.' He bent his head and kissed her cheek lightly—the casual kiss of a friendly colleague. 'Cheerio.'
She stood like a statue and watched him thread his way through the crowd in the airport concourse, his dark head way above everyone else's. Finally he was gone, without looking back.
Only when a fat lady carrying a plastic duty-free bag barged into her and apologised, did Karen move. Then, with feet like lead, she dragged herself to the nearest coffee bar and crept into a corner, handkerchief held in her face, shoulders shaking.
She should have been relieved, it had all gone just as she had planned. Saul had been taken in by her act and had crossed her name off his little black book of available females. Ben's company had been saved, his future seemed assured. But it was a future in which she wouldn't have any part.
She wrapped her cold hands round her coffee mug and stared blindly out over the moving crowds on the concourse to the place where Saul's dark head had disappeared. And she knew that, in spite of everything he had proved to be, and the way he had treated her, she had nothing to give to any other man until this sharp urgent longing for him had gone. Just now she couldn't imagine that happening.
By the time Karen arrived in Mexico City, booked a room for the night and deposited her luggage, and finally reached the hospital and tracked down the ward to which Ben had been moved, it was early afternoon. She stood just inside the doorway of the large, airy room, her eyes searching for him among the occupants of the dozen or so beds. There were visitors at most of the beds, chairs pulled up, lockers piled high with fruit and books and parcels. A bank of flowers ran down the centre of the ward on a long table, their perfume filled the air. A buzz of conversation rose and fell.
Ah, there he was, in the bed right at the very end. Karen fixed a happy smile on her face and hurried forward. He had seen her and raised a hand in greeting, and a huge grin lit up his nice face, which was so much thinner than when she last saw it.
She leaned over the bed and he enveloped her in a surprisingly strong hug as she kissed him. 'Marvellous—I've been expecting you, Karen,' he said. 'Pull up a chair and make yourself at home.'
Warmth flooded through her, it was so lovely to see Ben again, and looking his old self. She hadn't realised until this moment quite how much he meant to her. She looked round for a chair and saw what she had missed before, in the flurry of greeting. On the far side of the bed, looking very much at home herself, sat Jean McBride.
Karen gasped. 'Jean—I didn't see you before. What a surprise—when did you get here?'
'Hullo, Karen.' Jean didn't quite smile, in fact she looked decidedly ill at ease. 'Och, I came a few days ago.'
The two girls looked across the bed at each other and there was an awkward silence. Then Jean got to her feet and said, 'I'll be getting along, Ben, for the time being, now you've got Karen to talk to.' She picked up a bulky carrier bag. 'I'll see to your laundry and try to get that book you wanted.' She laid a hand on his shoulder briefly. 'See you soon,' and with a nod towards Karen she walked quickly away down the ward.
Karen sank into a chair. 'Well! How amazing to find Jean here.' She was utterly at a loss for words.
Ben said, 'I was amazed myself when she walked in. She's been rather splendid really, looking after all my little needs, seeing to my laundry, bringing me books to read, fixing up with the bank and insurance at home about paying the bill here. Yes, she's been very helpful. But let me look at you, Karen—you're looking marvellous. All that Acapulco sunshine?'
'I wish you could have been there,' she said, 'you'd have loved it. I've got such a lot to tell you, I don't know where to begin. But first of all ‑' she leaned towards him '—how are you, Ben? How's it been?'
'Not too bad,' he said. 'The first couple of days were a bit ropey but since then there's been a steady improvement. The doc is quite pleased with me, says I'll be fit to travel in a week, all being well.'
'That's splendid,' Karen said warmly
. 'I've thought about you such a lot. And I've got good news for you, Ben. About Saul Marston and the company.'
He nodded, his eyes shining. 'I know, my dear. Saul telephoned yesterday and I was able to speak to him myself. Good news indeed—the best. The nurses here were amazed by the way my temperature suddenly came down. You've been doing splendid work at the conference, Saul said. He seemed most impressed by you. You got along O.K. with him?'
'Oh yes,' she said, not quite meeting Ben's eyes. 'He's a keen businessman and he's got lots of new ideas. I think Clark's will come quite well out of the deal. Would you like to hear all about the conference?'
It wasn't easy, picking out the bits that would interest Ben, carefully avoiding anything that seemed to link her with Saul, but somehow she managed it. 'I think that's the lot,' she said finally. 'They seem a very good group of companies, I'm sure you'll like the managers and directors and work well with them. I found them very helpful.'
There was a silence. He was looking at her oddly. 'Karen ‑' he began.
Oh no, she thought, I can't let him say it. She hurried on, pretending not to hear, 'We'll have to make arrangements about travelling, Ben. We've got our flights booked for tomorrow—had you remembered? We'd better do something about that.'
He sighed and a cloud seemed to pass over his face. Then he grinned, his old wry grin. 'Jean's seen to that,' he said. 'Most efficient, she's been. She's cancelled my flight and arranged to re-book as soon as I can travel.'
'But what about mine?'
'She left that as it is,' he said, watching her face. 'She thought you would probably need to get back to the office to see this Ward man who's functioning there. It seems that he could do with some help.' He paused. 'She—Jean, that is—has offered to stay on and help the poor invalid with the travelling snags.' He made a wry grimace.
'Oh,' said Karen rather blankly. 'What about her grandmother? I thought Jean had to look after her.'
'She died just recently, it seems,' Ben said. 'Jean's on her own now.'
'I see,' Karen said. She did see. Jean was on her own at last, free to put in a bid for Ben and that was just what she was doing.
'Jean seems to have it all fixed up,' she said.
'Not quite.' Ben put out a hand and covered hers. 'You could stay, Karen, and send her back on your ticket.'
They both knew what he was saying, it didn't need the words. There was a silence and Karen looked down at her hands. Then, very slowly, she said, 'I think—perhaps—it would be better if Jean stayed-'
He went very pale. It was awful to have to hurt him before he was really better, but it would be even worse to act a lie. She said gently, 'I'm so sorry, Ben ‑'
After a time he said jerkily, 'I see. Well, it serves me right. I think I knew the danger when I asked you to go to Acapulco with Saul Marston, but all I could think about was the company.' His mouth twisted. 'The company came first, before everything. I'm being brutally honest with myself.'
That was what Saul had said. If Ben had to choose between you and his company I know which one he'd choose.
Ben went on slowly, 'Afterwards, when I let myself think about it, I knew that Saul Marston would look at you and want you—what man wouldn't? It is Saul, isn't it?'
'How did you guess?' she said wearily. 'Is it so obvious?'
'Your letter,' he said simply. 'And—the way you look. And the way you don't talk about him. It's obvious to me.'
There was a short silence. Around them visitors were preparing to leave, there was kissing and messages and get-well-soon.
'Is it ‑' said Ben. 'Are you ‑?'
'No,' Karen said quickly. 'It isn't and we're not. In fact, what there was is finished but—oh well, never mind, let's not talk about it.'
She drew herself up in her chair and sat very straight and businesslike. 'O.K. Ben, I'll take the flight tomorrow as planned, and go into the office on Monday and see what I can do to help Mr Ward until you get back. Then ‑' she said slowly '—I think it would be better if I bowed out altogether. Saul made quite a point that I shouldn't be needed in Lessington, under the new organisation plan. He suggested I move to the London office but I certainly shan't do that. I'll probably stay at home and lend a hand in the practice. My father can always do with help.'
Ben's eyes were searching her face pleadingly. 'But we won't lose touch, Karen? You'll come along to the works and see how we're getting along sometimes?'
'Of course I will,' Karen said warmly. 'I shall love to come and see you all.'
He nodded. 'That won't be so bad then.'
She blew her nose hard. She was near to tears. She picked up her brief-case and laid it on the bed. 'Everything's in here,' she said. 'The notes I made at the meetings and the names and addresses of all the firms in the group and their directors, and their various interests, and little bits I picked up while talking to some of them. Copies of reports—there'll be enough to keep you interested for hours.'
She stood up. 'I'll go now. Don't work too hard, Ben, and get tired.' All right, Saul Marston, I'm being the nanny, so what? It's for the last time.
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. 'Get quite better, won't you, and I'll see you when I get back.'
'Karen ‑'
'Yes?' She waited.
Ben smiled his quiet smile. 'Just—Karen. And thank you.'
She smiled back and walked blindly down the ward. At the door she half turned and lifted a hand and then hurried away down the stairs and out of the hospital.
In the days that followed, the English weather provided a perfect setting for Karen's state of mind; everything was frozen and lifeless. A January freeze-up had set in, they told her, just after she left for her wonderful trip into tropical sunshine. Her mother, brisk and busy as ever, looked at her consideringly and said, 'You've browned-up nicely, but you've lost weight, haven't you? Didn't the food suit you?' Her father was more penetrating. 'It wasn't all you hoped, was it, love? Something went wrong?'
She put a bright smile on her face and fielded all their questions with the explanation of too much air-travel, and being worried about Ben's unfortunate illness. She'd be fine and back to normal in a few days, she assured them, and they were both much too busy to probe into the results of the trip. She'd have to tell them some time that she was leaving Clark's. Just now she hadn't the heart.
She hadn't a heart at all, she thought sometimes as she dragged herself backwards and forwards to the office, only a heavy lump inside where her heart ought to be. Saul had plucked her heart out of her and thrown it away—what would he want with hearts anyway?
The office was in a depressing state of being run down. Little Lucy had left already to go on a hairdresser's training course. James Ward, an efficient young man with sleek black hair and horn-rimmed glasses, seemed to Karen to be playing the part of an undertaker. He had brought a personal computer with him and sat in front of it all day doing complicated things with accounts and records. In between times he did his best to chat up Karen, without much success.
'Would you like me to show you how this little beauty functions, Miss Lane?' he suggested hopefully. 'You'll need the know-how if you join us at the London office.'
'I shan't be joining you at the London office,' Karen said.
Young Mr Ward looked slightly crestfallen. 'Not? Oh, I'm sorry. Mr Marston said ‑'
'I shan't be coming to London,' Karen said again, finally and definitely and after that he gave it up and left her alone.
The work of the factory went on as usual; orders were executed and despatched but no new orders were coming in, and Karen found out from James Ward that all their customers had been advised of the reorganisation of the company. 'We shan't be accepting orders from firms outside the group,' he said. 'Mr Marston said to run down local commitments.'
'I see,' Karen said bleakly. She supposed it was all according to plan and would work out well, but she couldn't help feeling that she was attending a very long-drawn-out funeral, in which she herself was the principal part
icipant.
A week after Karen had returned Jean appeared at the office. A brand-new Jean in a smart dove-grey suit, her sandy hair re-styled into soft waves, her pale cheeks prettily flushed. To Karen's amazement she kissed her and said, 'Oh, it's so lovely to be back. Give me England every time.'
Ben was fine, she said, in reply to Karen's enquiry. They'd had a good and uneventful flight and she had taken him straight to her own little house so that she could look after him. 'He can't very well do for himself yet, and anyway it would be so silly for both of us to be lonely on our own, wouldn't it?' she said, flushing a little deeper.
'Very silly,' Karen agreed. Ben had a new nanny now, she thought, and felt mean for thinking it. That. reminded her of Saul too, and she was trying so hard not to think of him every minute of every day, and most of the nights too, when she couldn't sleep.
She couldn't eat much, either. Perhaps it was true, perhaps you did pine away and die of love, like the heroines in the Victorian novels. You laughed at all that for sentimental sob-stuff until you had lost the man you loved, and then it didn't seem funny at all.
Jean returned to the workroom, taking charge of the women there with an authority and self-confidence she hadn't had before, discussing with Charlie and James Ward the various ways of enlisting and training new staff. Karen felt as if her own particular function in the company were gradually being whittled away, chip by chip. After a week she found one day that there was nothing at all for her to do. It happened to be on that particular day that Jean said, a little shyly, 'Would you like to come and have supper with us this evening, Karen? Ben would like to talk to you about the future of the company; he knows you're interested.'
The invitation was so unexpected that Karen didn't have time to think up an excuse. And anyway, she had promised Ben that they would still be friends, so the sooner they all got over the first slight awkwardness the better.
The evening wasn't as awkward as she had feared. The three of them slipped into their new roles with such ease that Karen realised straight away that this was how it was meant to be, and that she wouldn't have been nearly as 'right' for Ben as Jean was going to be. Jean's little house was spotless, the supper of chicken casserole followed by baked custard ('Ben still has to be a bit careful what he eats') was nicely cooked and daintily served. But most important of all, Jean was in love with Ben; it showed in every look, every word. It shone out of her like a radiance.
Acapulco Moonlight Page 15
