by Emily Mckee
The way he held me so close to him and looked into my eyes whispering words like:
“I’ll never leave you.”
“I love you, Ash.”
“Forever and always.”
A little while later I heard the front door open and close and then there was a knock on the bathroom. “Ashlynn?”
Not taking my head out of the crook of my legs I mumbled, “You can come on in Jade.”
With a twist of the knob she peaked in and said, “I’ve got some pregnancy tests, crackers, and some more ginger ale. So whenever you’re ready.”
I still hadn’t moved my head. Again I mumbled, “I’ll just be out in a minute.”
I heard her put a bag on the floor and once the door was closed I rinsed myself off and got out of the tub and wrapped myself up in a towel. Going back into my room I dried off and put on some yoga pants and a t-shirt. Taking a deep breath I walked back into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. Jade had left the bag of pregnancy tests in there. As if I didn’t already know my fate.
Opening the box I pulled out the stick and read the instructions. Following the instructions I set the stick on the side of the sink, washed my hands and dragged my pregnant ass out into the living room where Jade was sitting quietly waiting for me.
I fell down next to her and held her hand while I waited for the answer I already knew the test was going to give me. We both sat there and stared at the blank television for the two longest minutes of our lives. Once the timer went off we both got up off the couch and, never releasing the hold of our hands, walked back into the bathroom. Even though I knew the answer my heart was still beating rapidly. Picking up the stick, I looked down and read the single hardest word out there for me at this moment.
Pregnant.
It had been two days since I found out I was going to be a mom and Jason was going to be a dad and I still didn’t have the slightest clue on how I was going to tell him. I decided today was going to be the day that the truth was going to come out; that we were going to be parents in eight and a half months. I just needed two days to maybe come up with some kind of miracle way of telling him but of course no miracle had fallen into my pregnant lap.
Some may think it was childish of me to ignore his text messages but every time I read words like:
… I love you baby.
… can’t wait to hold you in my arms baby.
… you okay baby?
… my heart dropped, my stomach tightened and I threw up. Of course the throwing up was not only from nerves but morning sickness as well.
Getting my purse from my room I started to open the front door when Jade said, “Give me the keys; I’ll drive.”
I turned and looked at her. “You’re coming with me?”
Jade shrugged her shoulders and said, “Yeah, I’m coming with you. Did you think I was not going to?”
Shaking my head back and forth I said, “I didn’t expect you to. That’s all.”
Grabbing me in a hug Jade whispered, “Like I said before. I’m going to be here every step of the way; no matter what the outcome is, Ash.”
Pulling back I wiped the tears away from my face and said, “Alright, let’s do this.”
The drive over to Jason’s apartment was unbearable. Every foot we drove I wanted to beg Jade to just turn around and drive away. But we can’t drive or hide away from our problems because the truth will come out. Or in my case show the truth when my stomach grew because of the child growing inside.
It seemed like we got there faster than normal but Jade said, “Damn, I even drove slow.”
Laughing at her comment I got out of the car and made my way over to Jade. I was so grateful she came with me because I needed her support in this. Taking her hand in mine we walked up to Jason’s apartment and I slowly reached my hand up and knocked on the door.
Jason opened it and this huge smile came across his face and he was reaching out to me and lifting me up to his arms. Kissing me on the lips he walked us back into his apartment and said, “I missed you, baby. You’re looking a lot better. How are you feeling?”
Jade walked in behind us and closed the door and then met eye contact with me. She nodded her head in reassurance so I looked to Jason and said, “I’m feeling better.”
I thought I sounded okay but Jason tilted his head and asked, “Are you sure?”
I couldn’t lie to him again so I just nodded my head hoping that was a good enough answer. Grabbing my hand, he pulled me into the living room and said, “Sit down. You want something to drink?”
Jade was walking over when I said, “Water, please.”
Once Jason walked into the kitchen Jade sat next to me and whispered, “It’s going to be okay but you have to tell him.”
At that moment Jason walked out and handed me a bottle of water. “Tell me what?” Sitting down he placed an arm over my shoulder and rubbed.
Turning towards him I smiled and said, “How much I missed you.” He leaned in and kissed me on the lips.
The second his lips touched mine Neil came walking in and said, “Hey, get a room for that stuff,” and I instantly stiffened.
I saw Jason look at me and knew that he saw but he looked over at Neil and said, “Oh, it was a little kiss on the lips, chill.”
Neil laughed and waved his arms, saying, “Forget about it,” but then he noticed Jade was in the room and turned towards her and said, “But I will not forget your beautiful face anytime soon doll.”
I didn’t get to hear Jade’s reply because Jason said, “Don’t even think about it dude. Big mistake.” Neil just laughed and turned on the television, settling on some movie.
I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to tell Jason that I kind of zoned out while everybody else watched the movie but once it was over Jason got up and pulled me along with him into his room. Neil had a witty comment but I didn’t hear because of how loud my heart was pounding in my chest.
Once we reached his room Jason closed the door behind him and said, “What’s going on, Ash?”
Those four words were my undoing and I just cried. I felt Jason’s arms wrap around me and I just cried even more. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head into his chest while he settled his head on top of mine.
Rubbing his hands up and down my back he whispered, “It’s okay Ash. It’s okay.”
I broke away from him and said, “No, it’s not okay. This is just a huge mess and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell you.”
Walking up to me Jason looked into my eyes and said, “Alright Ash, what’s the matter? You’re really scaring me here.”
I lowered my head and took a deep breath. Lifting my head to look into Jason’s eyes I whispered, “I’m pregnant.”
Chapter 13
Jason
I was starting to get really nervous because Ashlynn wasn’t texting me back and it had been two days since I dropped her off at her apartment. Jade would text me every once in a while telling me that Ashlynn was getting better, but something just wasn’t sitting right with me. I needed to hear her voice. I was just getting ready to leave my apartment to surprise Ash when there was a knock at my door.
Opening the door, I saw Ashlynn and Jade standing there and I couldn’t believe it. I was so relieved to see Ash and I just needed to kiss her. So I picked her up in my arms and walked us back into the apartment kissing her. I wanted to take her back to my room and have my way with her but there was something about the way she was acting that made me a little nervous. While I was happy to see my sister I just wanted some alone time with Ash.
I was just getting ready to sit down next to Ash when I heard Jade whisper, “It’s going to be okay but you have to tell him.”
My heart plummeted so I said, “Tell me what?”
Handing her the bottle of water and sitting down I could tell from her demeanor that something was way off. She was as stiff as a board and I could see her gnawing on her lower lip.
Turning
to me she smiled and said, “How much I missed you.” I knew she wasn’t lying about missing me but I could tell something just wasn’t right and I needed to get to the bottom of it.
I was just about to ask her to come back to my room with me when Neil walked out and we started to watch a movie. Throughout the movie I kept peeking over at Ashlynn and she was either picking her nails or biting on her lower lip, which just made me scatter brained and I couldn’t take it anymore. The movie barely finished before I was pulling her up from the couch and dragging her back to my room. My brain had gotten the worst of me and I started thinking that maybe she wanted to break up with me or she cheated on me or something awful.
I could hear her breathing heavily behind me and once we got in my room I closed the door and turned to her. “What’s going on, Ash?” I had to know what the fuck was going on.
I didn’t think I said it too rudely but she just broke down in tears. She began to hiccup and I just ran over to her and hugged her.
I tried to calm her down saying, “It’s okay Ash. It’s okay,” but she pushed me away from her and said, “No, it’s not okay. This is just a huge mess and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell you.”
I knew she was going to break up with me and I didn’t think I could take it anymore. I just wanted her to come clean about it. As much as it would completely suck I had to hear her say it. Her back was against my bedroom wall so I walked over and caged her in. “Alright Ash, what’s the matter? You’re really scaring me.”
She lowered head and let out a breath and then whispered, “I’m pregnant.”
My jaw dropped open and I looked at her. I didn’t know what else to do. Her face started to scrunch up and she started shifting her weight from foot to foot. Blinking a few times I said, “I’m sorry but what did you just say Ash?”
A little bit louder she said, “I’m pregnant, Jason.”
I dropped my arms to my side and just started walking backwards toward the bed. I needed to sit down as soon as possible or I thought I might pass out. As soon as I sat down I put my head in my hands and said, “I can’t.”
I mean what the fuck was I supposed to do? I had just come to the conclusion that it was going to be okay to date Ashlynn and I wouldn’t mess it up, but kids? I sure as hell wasn’t ready for that. And as much as my dad said I wouldn’t be like him there was still that small amount of me that questioned whether I would treat my own kids like that some day. I knew I couldn’t fast forward time and look into the future so I just figured I would cut the family ties and not risk it. I couldn’t live with myself if I ever treated my own kids the way my dad treated Jade and I growing up.
Before I knew it I was lifting my head towards Ash’s direction but she wasn’t there. I quickly got up from the bed and ran out into the living room but the only person out there was Neil who was sitting at the breakfast bar with the same look I had on my face.
Jaw dropped and eyes wide open.
Running over to him I yelled, “Where are they?”
Neil blinked and looked at me. “They left dude. Ashlynn was in tears and Jade looked pissed beyond belief.”
I walked over and fell on the couch leaning my head back. I didn’t know what the fuck I was supposed to do. This was all just happening so damn fast. I heard Neil walk over to the fridge and grab two bottles of beer. Walking over to me he handed me one and then took a sip of his own. I lifted the bottle to my lips and chugged the whole thing down. After setting the bottle down on the end table I leaned back and closed my eyes.
There was no question that I loved Ashlynn Miller but I was frightened that I would become just like my dad. That guy was a selfish prick and thought he walked on water but right now I was trying to do the right thing. I thought I was being selfless by letting Ash leave because I could have grabbed my keys and sped over there. I could have dropped to my knees and begged for forgiveness and we could have lived happily ever after, but this was reality. In that moment I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away.
Letting out a breath I opened my eyes and saw Neil’s demeanor hadn’t changed. His mouth and eyes were still both wide open so I asked, “What the fuck is that face for?”
Blinking he looked at me and said, “So off topic but fuck, your sister is hot when she gets pissed.”
Shaking my head back and forth I said, “Like I said before Neil, that’s a big mistake. You really don’t want to mess with me right now.”
Taking a sip of his beer he got up and said, “You asked.” He walked back to his bedroom and just as his door closed, the front door opened.
I turned around just in time to see Jade storming towards me. I quickly got up and said, “What the fuck are you doing here?” I probably shouldn’t have said that because she walked right up to me and slapped me hard across the face. I was stunned that Jade had slapped me across the face. Lifting my hand to my face I said, “What the fuck was that for?”
Putting her hands on her hips she said, “I was trying to slap the stupid out of that fucking head of yours. What the hell is your problem? I thought you loved Ashlynn and you didn’t say anything to her. I thought you were going to be happy about this. Ashlynn is carrying your child. You’re going to be a dad. Yes, it’s a lot to take in and you guys are young but you love one another.”
Sitting down I said, “Jade, that’s why I can’t do this.”
Walking back and forth in front of me she yelled, “WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? And don’t you dare give me some bullshit excuse, Jason Tyler Williams.”
Oh fuck. Jade was seriously pissed because she never said my middle name.
Looking up at her, I just started crying. Jade knelt and wrapped her arms around me and said, “What’s going on Jason? I’m your sister for fuckssake. Please tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”
Letting go of me she got up off the floor and sat down next to me on the couch. Taking my one hand in hers she started rubbing her thumb back and forth along the top trying to calm me. Attempting to calm myself I looked over at Jade and she looked scared out of her mind.
“I can’t be like dad, Jade. I can’t and I won’t do that to my children. If our childhood didn’t wound us and leave scars to remind us every damn day that we didn’t have a normal childhood, whatever the fuck that is, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you holding my hand. I would be ecstatic and twirling Ash around because she’s carrying my child and we’re going to have a baby together. It has nothing to do with being scared because I’m only twenty-one. I’m scared because I don’t want to hurt my child the way dad hurt us.”
Jade moved all the way over and wrapped her arms around me while I broke down again. I held on to my sister like she was the only thing keeping me here. She was the only one who could possibly understand why I was doing what I did and be okay with my decision.
Finally calming myself, I let go of Jade and leaned back against the couch.
She was still sitting in the same position as before and, without taking her eyes off me she said, “Jason you have told me that I am nothing like mom and I never will be. I have been carrying this guilt around with me for so long. So please tell me why it’s different for me but not for you?”
Closing my eyes I said, “Because you’re a good person Jade.”
Taking my hand in hers she said, “Dammit, open your eyes Jason.”
Opening my eyes I looked over at Jade and she had tears welling up in hers. “How could you possibly think you aren’t a good person? You took all of the beatings when we were little because you wouldn’t let him come near me. I just watched and did nothing. You love your unborn child so much that you would rather be away from him or her for the rest of your life than become just like dad. You are the most selfless, best person I know and that is why I can tell you that right now you are making a mess of this situation.”
I really needed to hear Jade tell me that. Growing up I had always told Jade that she was nothing like mom, so why then would I think I would
end up like dad? In the end we were two people who had our own minds and could make our decisions. We didn’t need the influence of both our fucked up parents to come to those conclusions on our own.
Wrapping my sister in my arms I kissed her on the top of the head and got up from the couch.
Jade jumped up and said, “Where are you going Jason?”
Grabbing my keys off the breakfast bar I said, “I’m going to go see my girl and my baby.”
With a big smile across her face and tears in her eyes Jade said, “Go get the both of them Jason and never let go.”
My hand was on the door handle but I ran back over to Jade and hugged her again. Leaning away from her I said, “Thanks Jade, I don’t know where I would be without you. I love you so much.”
Smiling up at me she said, “I love you too Jason, now go.”
Winking at her, I ran out of the front door, hopped in the car, and sped towards my future.
I tried to drive as fast as I could without getting pulled over by the cops but it still took the longest six minutes of my life. Doing a half ass parking job I jumped out of the car, bolted up the stairs and knocked and knocked and knocked until the front door opened to Ash and Jade’s apartment.
Ashlynn opened the door and the view took my breath away. Even though her eyes were swollen from crying, her nose was red, and her face was scrunched up I still had a huge smile on my face. Looking away from her face, I looked down at her stomach and couldn’t believe that Ashlynn and I had made a baby. That we were going to be parents.
Looking back up at her face I smiled and cradling her face in my hands I kissed her. I swept my tongue along her lower lip and felt her arms reaching up and wrapping around me. I let go of her face and wrapped my arms around waist and lifted her up onto me. Encompassing her legs around me I walked into her apartment and shut the door behind me with my foot. I never took my mouth from hers as I walked us back to her room and slowly laid her down on the bed.
