by Rod Carstens
Jack came out of the bedroom in swim trucks and a t-shirt. Kate handed him the six-pack. Kate looked up at him with real concern on her face.
"Please let me know as soon as possible. I'm going crazy." Kate said.
"I will. This may take a while but leave us alone. I'll let you know as soon as a I can."
Jack walked out to the balcony. Tom sat hugging his knees staring out to sea. Seeming not to move. Jack walked down the stairs, grabbed a beach chair and slowly walked out to face Tom and his own war all over again, Jack pulled the chair up next to the surfboard and popped open a beer and put it on the board in front of Tom. Then he popped his own and took a long pull on it. He glanced back to the house to see Kate pacing on the balcony. He didn't say anything he just sat there sipping his beer. He knew he had to give Tom time. Finally Tom reached for the beer and took a long and thirsty gulp.
"Thanks." He said quietly.
"No sweat."
"What did Kate tell you?"
"Not much. Just that you were out here staring at the ocean and refusing to talk to her. She is scared to death."
"I'm sorry about that I didn't mean to scare her but..."
Tom looked over at Jack.
"Aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?"
"Nope. Already know."
"Really." Tom said.
"Yeah, the war. It came to visit. Only this time it wasn't just some firecrackers. It was something bigger."
"How did you know?"
"How do you think there Marine. Your war's no different than mine."
Tom turned and looked at him.
"You went through shit like this?"
"Of course. We all did. We just didn't talk about it. I did a lot of drinking for a lot of years trying to make the memories go away."
Tom just stared for a long moment.
"Well?" Jack said.
"I was taking a nap on my board the way I did back home. The next thing I knew I was on a chopper heading into a hot LZ. Some wing wipers from Pendleton flew over and the sound of the chopper put me right back into Nam. It was as if I was there."
"What happened?"
Tom finished off his beer in one long gulp then opened another before he said anything. Jack just waited.
"We were going into this LZ and they were waiting for us. I was sitting between a guy we called Bulldog and Mac. When we started taking fire Bulldog took one between the eyes and just fell back deader than a hammer. I grabbed Mac and pulled him out with me. We were still fifteen or twenty feet above the ground. I figured they had us and we had to get out of there. We made it out but they nailed the pilot and the chopper dove into the LZ. Everyone else on the bird died. Mac and I were the only ones who made it out. It dawned on me that now with Mac dead that no one in that platoon was left but me and I'm going back again. I got six more months. I'm not coming back except in a body bag. My luck cannot last another six months. I'm dead meat. Like Mac used to say we are dead we just don't know it yet."
"That's not true. I made it and nobody from my original platoon made it but I did."
Tom just stared at him.
"Jack you and I both know that it not about how good you are that doesn't matter. It is about luck and I've used all mine up. Bulldog and Mac both were better than I am and they are dead. How in fuck can I expect to come back when those two guys are gone?"
Jack knew he was right. He knew it was all about luck. Being good, smart, and tough was part of it but so much dependent on things you had no control over. Where you were standing when the mortar shell landed or if you went right instead of left when you ran off the beach. So much of it was fate, luck or whatever you wanted to call it. It was hard to argue with Tom. He was facing what they all had to face and then accept that it was to a large extent out of their hands.
"If you are looking at me to tell you some sort of bullshit about how you are going to make it then I am going to disappoint you." Jack said angry at having to talk to this decent young man he had come to care so much about his chances of surviving the war. "You really don't know and you know that too. You never know. It could happen on the plane going back over there. You never know when it coming all you have is now."
"It is just that it really never hit me like this before. Maybe I just never really faced up to it before."
"Look the minute you signed the papers and went to Parris Island you were rolling the dice and you knew it. You took your ticket and your taking your chance. If you want me to try to sugar coat it I can't because that is the way it is. But one thing I do know. Don't think that not coming back means your going to die over there. What it means is even if you do come back; you are never going to come back. Coming back to bury Mac has thrown you back in the middle of the civilian world and made you realize this before your even finished with your war. Normally you only find that out when you come back for good."
Jack paused letting what he said sink in.
"Once you've gone to war you never really come back. It is part of you for the rest of your life. I still struggle with it at times. It will stay with you until the day you die. You've crossed that line and you can never come back across. You know that you can kill somebody and you have. You know that others will try and kill you for reasons that you might never understand. You know what cruelty humans are capable of on both sides of the war. War changes you and you will never be the same person you were. If I were to tell you to hold onto anything it would be what you just realized, and it has nothing to do with whether you are going to live or die; but everything to do with who and what you know you are capable of and what you have become because of it."
Tom turned and stared out at the ocean and took a long drink from his beer.
"I don't know." Tom said.
"I know and I can't tell you what it is that you realized. All I can tell you is that today, right now you are alive, you have a girl that cares about you and that should be enough. There are no tomorrows there is only right now and you know that as well as I do."
Tom didn't say anything he just nodded.
"Look if you really believe that you won't come back then you won't. I don't think that is who you are. It wasn't who I was and I see a lot of myself in you. I made it. You can make it."
Jack wanted to say something that would make him feel better but he knew nothing could. If Tom had not met Kate and come to the house he might have been able to keep all of this buried, but everything he had experienced only made it harder to face the fact he had to go back. He had to go back to a place that people died everyday and any day it could be you. Being here in this place with Kate had made him face what he could lose. It only made it harder. Jack suddenly realized it was as much his fault for throwing them together that caused him this pain. He should have known and kept his mouth shut, but he had never seen Kate act like she did with him even in the short time at the airport. He wanted to see her happy and he had been selfish. He had not thought of this young man. Someone some much like himself so long ago.
They sat there for some time without saying anything.
"Jack, she going somewhere. She is going to be something isn't she? Famous I mean." Tom said
"Yes, she doesn't know it yet but she is going to be big. I've seen some of the early rushes and she jumps out of the screen at you. She is a damn good actress. She just doesn't know how good it yet."
Tom was quite for some time again. He finished his beer and reached for another one.
"Jack she can't have a Marine boyfriend can she?"
Jack was surprised at how perceptive this kid was for someone not in the business, especially in middle of a flashback.
"No, Tom she can't. Not in this town. Not in 1968. Or for as long as this war goes on," Jack said.
"Why does everybody blame us for the war. We didn't start it. We were just unlucky enough to be born in a year that put us in line to fight this goddamn thing. I didn't have a choice I wasn't going to go to college so the draft was going to get me sooner or later. So I figured I mig
ht as well be with a bunch of guys crazy enough to volunteer instead a bunch of draftees."
"Tom I don't know. I've tried to figure it out but it just makes no sense except maybe the men who fought it are the only tangible evidence they can attack. They are getting the men who are asked to fight mixed up with the war as if you could refuse to fight. I just don't know." Jack said.
"None of it makes sense and we are the ones paying the price. You won't find any rich guy sons out in the bush. It is all guys like Mac and me. No daddy's to call the draft board for deferments or get them into the Reserves or National Guard. Only us poor folks." Tom said.
"That is the way it is." Jack said.
"Yep I am afraid that is the way it is and will be for as long as this war continues."
"And because of that then Kate can't have a Marine boyfriend if she is going to make it out here." Tom said.
"Afraid so son. How in the world did you figure that one out?" Jack said.
Tom told him about the spitting incident in the airport and what the two Green Berets said. Then he told him about the incident on the plane. Tom looked Jack in the eye and said.
"If we had not been on a plane I don't know what I would have done to him. It really spooked me," Tom said.
"I know what you mean son. After the war there were a lot of guys that got 4F's then liked to taunt us. They said we were suckers for enlisting. One said it to me one night. I had been drinking and well I put him in the hospital before they could pull me off of him. I still feel bad about it. I should just knocked him cold but I was seeing the faces of the buddies I left behind and well..."
"I know I would have done the same."
"Kate has broken a lot of rules out here and still made it but this is too big. Besides there will be other forces for lack of a better word pulling at her," Jack said.
"What do you mean?"
"I am going to say some things that I think you are strong enough to hear because if you are strong enough to survive Vietnam then I think you can hear it. For Kate is its going to be more than just making it out here. Look if she is going to be as big as I think she is going to be she is going to be completely consumed by it all. Money. Fame. Everybody is going to want a piece of her. All of it. She is going to become a moneymaker for everyone around her. I am going to try and help her to navigate through these sharks, but I'm not sure I can protect from it all. She is going to be that big. And it is going to happen very fast. That is how you make the money, you move when you have the clout. You've still got years before you get out. She won't forget you but she will be pulled away from you and everything normal by all of it. She will be part of world very few people ever get the chance to inhabit. She will be just pulled away into the Hollywood machine that cranks out money and uses up people."
"So?"
"You've got the rest your time here if you want it. After that she will be a very different person." Jack said.
"Yeah, if there is an after that."
Jack sat there for some time giving him more time to talk if needed it but Tom simply stared out at the ocean lost in his thoughts. Finally Jack picked up his chair and said.
"I'm going up to the house."
Jack had turned to leave when Tom said.
"Thanks Jack."
"Yeah right. It never easy hearing bad news there gyrene."
Tom realized without wanting or even thinking about it that his time with Kate would end when he left. If this is what he was going to be like when he got back to the World things between him and Kate would never work. She would be on top of the world and he would be trying to find a place where he fit. He had avoided thinking about the future but now after his talk with Jack it had slapped him in the face. Somehow it made things a little better because he knew how it would end. Like it or not it wasn't meant to be. He had learned in the Marine Corp that it is best to face realities and not try to hide from them. The more you tried to hide from the realities of the world the worse the consequences where when reality did catch up with you. He took a long deep pull of his beer and fought the tears that were trying to form.
Jack turned and walked back to the beach house trying to get the lump out of throat before he talked to Kate. How he hated the fates that put these two people he cared so much about together only to pull them apart. He had not been this angry at the fates since he was Tom's age. It just plain wasn't fucking right. He trudged up the stairs to balcony to be met with by Kate, her face a mask of concern.
"Jack what happen? What's going on?"
"He had a very bad memory brought back." Jack hesitated. "I don't know how to describe it because it happened to me. It not like a memory but more like you are actually there and go through it all over again. He's trying to make sense of it right now. He needs to be left alone."
"Is he all right?"
Jack took her face in his hands lied to her.
"Yes, he will be fine but he needs time."
"What should I do?"
"Don't ask him any questions. If he wants to talk just listen. Don't say it will be all better because it won't be for some time just listen. Don't ignore what happened but simply act normal as you can. Be your usual smart ass self and give him some TLC. The best thing you can give him is your normal loving self. Ok? Can you do that?"
"You bet your ass." Kate said trying very hard to sound light and funny. It wasn't a very good act but it was all she needed to do.
"Now I need a very strong drink. Will you be a sweetie and fix me one and keep them coming."
Kate kissed him on the cheek and turned to go inside and fix Jack his drink. Jack sat down heavily on the deck chair and looked out at the lone figure on the beach. Visions of Tarawa and Guadalcanal began to swim to the surface again. It was going to be a long night.
CHAPTER 34
Tom finished the last beer before he decided it was time to go in. He cleaned up the beer cans, then grabbed his board and put it up. He stood under the outdoor shower for a long time letting the cool water wash the sweat and salt off before he trotted up the stairs. Jack was sitting there with his feet propped up in the railing and a drink in hand.
"Welcome aboard gyrene. Sit down and have a drink."
It was obvious that Jack was drunk. He had never seen Jack drunk before.
"Sounds good there sergeant."
Tom plopped down in a chair next Jack's.
"Barmaid, hey barmaid what does a guy have to do in this joint to get his buddy a drink." Jack yelled into the house.
Kate came walking out with an amused grin on her face. She had freshened up and put on her smallest bikini and fixed her hair, she had decided to use the only weapons a woman had that could beat a war.
"This is loudest end of the bar. If you don't behave I am going to have the bouncer throw you two out."
Kate came up to Tom and ran her hand through his hair. He looked up at her and tried to smile. She leaned down and kissed the top of his head and leaned into him. He put his arm around her waist.
"What will you have there stranger?"
"Same was what my friend is having. What else?"
Kate gave Tom a look.
"He drinking straight Vodka on the rocks with just a twist of lime."
"Sounds perfect." Tom said.
Kate kissed the top of his head again and headed inside.
"It is going to be very drunk out tonight." Kate said over her shoulder.
Jack looked over at Tom. Their eyes met.
"You ok?" Jack said.
"As ok as I'll ever be I guess."
"That will do for now because tonight is drunk time."
Kate came out with a bucket of ice, two glasses and a fresh bottle of Vodka.
"If you two are going to be falling down drunk. I might as well join the club."
"Pull up a chair there young woman. We will drink to the sunset."
"It's three in the afternoon." Kate said dragging a chair up.
"Well we will drink until then and then we will drink to the sunset."
Jack said.
Tom took a sip of the drink Kate had handed him and coughed. Kate just smirked at him.
"Shut up." Tom said with a smile and took a big gulp. When it hit his stomach he shivered. Kate just smiled at him over the top of her glass.
"Looks like we are off to a flying start." Kate said.
They spent the rest of the afternoon drinking and talking. Jack told stories about everyone from John Wayne to Joey Heatherton the latest hot young actress he had dated for a while. Tom was speechless he had only seen her Playboy layout and Jack was talking about her like any other girl. Jack had them laughing at all of the strange quirks of the stars. He had written for some of the biggest in Hollywood.
Kate sensing things could really get out of hand had begun feeding them snacks and sandwiches to keep order. They did toast the sunset and then some. Jack began telling war stories making them funny. Tom did the same. Their stories were very similar and yet separated by a generation it seemed that war never changed. Tom did not notice that many times Kate did not laugh when he and Jack did. She could not appreciate them in the same way they could. Finally after sunset the last of the Vodka had disappeared. Jack and Tom were singing the Marine Corp Hymn together when Kate decided that they had had enough.
"All right there Marines the bar is closed."
"No. We are still standing." Jack said weaving as he tried to stand up.
"Nope the bar is closed Marine."
Kate grabbed him and led him to his bedroom. Then came back out from Tom.
"Ok cowboy time to call it a night."
She held out her hand to help him out of his chair.
"I don't need any help."
Tom tried to stand but had to grab her hand to keep from falling. Kate took his arm and put it around her shoulders to steady him and led him to the bedroom. Tom looked down at her; she was completely sober despite her drinking.
"I thought you were drinking with us."
"I was."
"All the time?"
"Yep."
"But your not drunk."
"Nope."
"How..."
"I can hold my liquor."
