My Life as a Stuntboy

by Janet Tashjian

  My mother gives me a nudge that means it’s time to go but I am riveted to my spot.

  “It’s hard to memorize so many lines,” Tanya says. “I’ve read the script a million times, but I just can’t remember all the words.”

  riveted

  The director holds out her hand and lifts Tanya to her feet. Then the actress playing the mother gets up too. “Let’s all go to your trailer and read the scene together,” Collette suggests.

  Tanya nods and they walk over to the trailer on the edge of the set.

  “See?” Mom whispers as we walk to the car. “You’re not the only one who has a hard time with words.”

  I don’t need her to translate what this means. Tanya Billings, teen megastar, has something in common with ME!

  Awkward …

  Ms. McCoddle obviously doesn’t know that Matt and I are no longer friends because she tells us we’re partners for the class history project. When she calls out our names, I expect Matt to sneer, but instead he just looks quiet and sad.

  She passes out a timeline worksheet and tells us it’s due by the end of class. I pretend to look for my pen to buy myself some time before I have to face Matt.

  Sneer

  misfortune

  “I took the video off YouTube,” he says. “You were right—it was mean.”

  I could just accept his apology, but I still feel pretty angry that he posted it at all. “What made you change your mind? Did Swifty and Joe get bored with you already?”

  Matt shakes his head. “It’s like making fun of somebody in a wheelchair trying to get down a curb or laughing at someone’s misfortune. It’s just not funny.”

  “You thought it was funny the other day.”

  He traces the doodles on his desk while he talks. “I don’t know … . With Tony picking you instead of me, I just felt left out. Then everyone in school had to make such a fuss.”

  He looks like he’s going to cry, and I know how that feels. I want to do anything to have him be good old Matt again, so I tell him it’s okay. His face lights up just as Ms. McCoddle approaches our desks to tell us to get to work.

  “It wasn’t just that you were making fun of me. You could get in a lot of trouble for posting videos without someone’s permission.”

  “Believe me, I did. My dad was furious.”

  I don’t say anything, but inside, I’m not unhappy Matt got yelled at.

  As we collaborate on the worksheet, I change the subject and tell Matt about Tanya Billings on the set yesterday. “It’s not just me,” I say. “Lots of kids have a hard time studying.”

  “No,” he answers. “It’s mostly you.”

  He shoots me a giant grin, and just like that, things are back to normal with my best friend.

  An Idea

  When I get home from school, I’m greeted by not only Bodi and Frank but my parents’ copy of our contract, lying on the kitchen table.

  My dad points to the contract and then points to Frank. After a moment, I realize what he wants.

  “Frank’s probably fine,” I say. “Mom changed him this morning.”

  “His diaper’s not fine,” Dad says. “And I’ve been saving it for you.”

  heinous

  As soon as I protest, Dad directs my attention again to the contract. I carry Frank to an empty examination room in Mom’s office and begin the heinous task of changing my monkey’s diaper. Just as I’m about to tell one of Mom’s interns that I forgot how to do it and ask if she can help, Mom appears. Her right eyebrow is raised as she leans inside the door frame to ensure I finish the job.

  “Very good.” She hands me a plastic bag for the dirty diaper, which I can’t get rid of fast enough.

  “The woman from the capuchin organization called to check on Frank,” Mom says.

  “You didn’t tell her about the horse, did you?”

  “I had to. He’s had major surgery. She wasn’t too happy and wants to reevaluate his placement with us.”

  “I don’t want to give him up,” I say. “What do we have to do to keep him?”

  reevaluate

  “You’re going to call her,” Mom answers. “And ask her that very question.”

  Out of all the teaching moments my parents throw at me, the worst is talking to grown-ups about my mistakes. Whether it’s apologizing to Mr. Parker for using his faucet to fill up water balloons or telling Mrs. Donaldson that I didn’t really mean to dig up part of her yard when I built my skateboard ramp, Mom’s insistence on “personal responsibility” has never been anything but embarrassing. And now she wants me to call someone three thousand miles away and beg her to let me keep my monkey?

  insistence

  appointment

  Just when I think things can’t get worse, I walk next door to find Ronnie waiting on our porch.

  “Did you forget about our appointment?” he asks.

  I hate that my house is no longer a safe place from schoolwork.

  “Well, I didn’t forget. Let’s start by reading out loud where we left off last time.”

  “Oh, no!” If I tell him about the YouTube video, my parents will definitely find out, and now that things are okay with Matt, it hardly seems worth putting them through that.

  “Okay, then, how about doing some of your drawings?” Ronnie says. “You can illustrate the story as we read.”

  I’ve been so busy with the movie these past few weeks that I almost forgot about my sketchbook. I get it from my room and flip through the pictures of my recent vocabulary words. Then I get an idea.

  I tell Ronnie I’ll be right back and find the movie script in my dad’s office. I still haven’t read it but scan through the ninety pages until I find scene 31. Sure enough, there are the words Tanya was trying to remember yesterday.

  “You want to illustrate a screenplay?” Ronnie asks. “Shouldn’t we be working on your book from school?”

  I slowly read through the scene, then turn my sketchbook sideways. I draw several panels like a comic strip and follow that with figures acting out the story. Ronnie suggests a few ideas but mostly lets me be. When I’m done, I rummage through my pack to find the shooting schedule for the rest of the week, then illustrate those scenes too.

  sarcastic

  “You did good work today,” Ronnie says.

  I look up from my drawings to see if he’s being sarcastic, but he appears to be serious. He says good-bye to Frank before he leaves and tells me he’ll see me on Monday.

  When Dad comes in to start dinner, I ask him if he’ll do me a favor.

  I hold up my drawings and the script. “Are you going to be near Culver City tomorrow? Can you drop these off at the set?”

  My father puts down the eggplant and looks over my work. “Sure. I’m happy to.”

  I put the drawings in an envelope and address it to Tanya Billings. Then I add a note.

  Tanya,

  Here are some drawings of your upcoming scenes. Maybe you can use them, maybe not.

  Good luck!

  Derek (a.k.a. Doc)

  Then I put the envelope on the front seat of my father’s car so he won’t forget.

  An Evil Plan

  Matt meets me at my locker as if nothing bad ever happened between us. “What did the lady say about Frank?”

  “She’s in town for some big presentation, so she’s coming over Friday night before she flies back to Boston. Mom told me we should have Frank’s things ready in case the woman decides to take Frank back with her. I can’t imagine never seeing him again.”

  Swifty and Joe wrestle their way down the corridor toward us. Matt and I exchange looks; neither of us wants any trouble.

  One thing I know I won’t be when I grow up is a psychiatrist because I can never figure out what makes people tick. For some reason, Swifty has the crazy idea that I stole Matt away from him, so he spent this week trying to slam my locker door on my hand or swipe my skateboard as I pack my bag with books. I got my board back, but all the drama just seemed like a giant waste of
time.

  “How are you ladies doing today?” Swifty asks.

  Joe tries to shake his bangs off his forehead, but he’s so sweaty, they don’t budge.

  drama

  Neanderthal

  When Matt and I don’t answer, Swifty hits Joe on the arm and they head down the hall.

  “They scare me sometimes. I don’t know how you ever hung out with them.”

  “If you pretend you’re a Neanderthal, they’re kind of fun.” Matt leans against his locker. “Which brings us to the subject of your particular primate. How about if Frank isn’t there when the woman comes to your house? Then she couldn’t take him.”

  “Where else would he be? My mom’s office is right next door— …she’d definitely find him.”

  “Maybe he’s not at your mom’s office. Maybe he’s somewhere else.” Matt shoots me his most evil grin. “What if you leave the back door open tomorrow and I sneak in and take him? In his cage, I mean. To keep him safe.”

  “Are you kidding? My mom would flip. Frank would flip.”

  “You said the woman has to catch a plane, right? All we have to do is hide him until she has to leave for the airport. She’s not going to miss her flight back home. Then you call her the next day and say you and Frank were visiting Pedro and you’re sorry you missed her.”

  Listening to Matt’s plan, I realize how much better life is when he’s on my side. As I close my locker, I discover Swifty and Joe lurking around the corner.

  “Are you guys spying on us?” I ask. “Get a life.”

  lurking

  Joe makes a move toward me, but Matt tells him to get lost.

  “I think you should really consider Operation Hide Frank,” Matt continues after they leave. “I’ll take good care of him, I swear.”

  I don’t have to think about it twice. “There’s no way I’m putting Frank through that kind of trauma. Even if it means losing him.”

  Matt stops walking and looks me in the eye. “Is it because you don’t trust me and think I’ll take him for real?”

  “No! It’s not that … .” I try to finish the rest of the sentence but can’t. After a moment, I try again. “You really hurt my feelings before, but that’s not why. I just want to do the right thing for Frank.”

  Matt smiles as he heads into class. “We’ll figure out another way. You’re not going to lose that monkey.”

  And because Matt’s my best friend, I believe him.

  Back on Set

  I’ve been hanging around craft services trying to run into Tanya Billings, but two doughnuts, three sodas, and two candy bars later, I still haven’t seen her. I wonder what she thought of my drawings and if they helped her learn her lines. The nice woman who’s been feeding me snacks all morning says she isn’t sure if Tanya’s shooting today. I adjust my wig, which is pinned into place. I still can’t get used to being in drag to do my stunts.

  Because Dad thinks I haven’t been holding up my end of the bargain in the reading department, he asked Ronnie to tutor me today while I wait for my scene. Ronnie’s never been on a movie set, so he walks around in disbelief at all the activity.

  “There are hundreds of people working on this movie. It’s like a city.” Ronnie nearly collapses when a green alien lurches toward us.

  disbelief

  “I’ve been sitting in the makeup trailer for five hours,” Tony says. “What do you think?” He twirls around like a Martian model.

  “Cool!” When I touch his slimy scales, my hand recoils. “That’s disgusting!”

  recoils

  “It should be,” Tony says. “The guy doing makeup on this film is the best in the business.”

  I introduce Tony to Ronnie, who looks afraid to shake Tony’s hand. I ask Tony what stunt he’s doing this morning.

  “I chase Tanya through the house,” he says. “Then tomorrow, she lights me on fire.”

  Tony gives me the details of the alien’s fate, but all I’m thinking about is that Tanya must be on set today. As if my imagination conjures her up, she appears beside me.

  frantically

  “I thought you were done,” Tanya says.

  I tell her today is my last day. Then I introduce her to Ronnie, who starts frantically combing his hair with his fingers. He finally gets hold of himself and gushes hello.

  Tanya pulls me aside. “I liked your illustrations. They actually helped me to remember my lines.”

  “That’s how I learn my vocabulary words.” I open my pack and take out my sketchbook. Ronnie comes over all smiles as if he did the drawings and invented reading too. I shoot him a look that says leave us alone so he walks away and consoles himself with a candy bar.

  consoles

  Tanya flips through my book. “These are great.” She takes out a script from her own pack. “It was such a good idea that I decided to do my own drawings.”

  I look through her copy of the script, and my heart sinks. Her illustrations are ten times better than mine—no, a hundred times better. They’re funny and sophisticated and perfectly drawn. I was going to ask her if she wanted help illustrating her next scenes but realize the last thing she needs is assistance from my little stick figures. I tell her the drawings are amazing.

  sophisticated

  “Your idea—I just copied it.” She reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze before heading back to her trailer. “I’ll catch you later.”

  A dozen thoughts race through my head: Tanya Billings just held my hand! My illustrations helped her! Why does her hair smell like cinnamon? What does she mean she’ll catch me later?—it’s my last day on set. How does she plan on seeing me again?

  I must look like I’ve been hit by a stun gun because Tony the Alien waves his hand in front of my face. “Earth to Derek! Earth to Derek!”

  I shake myself out of my Tanya Billings trance.

  “The life of a stuntman,” he says. “When the movie ends, so does your relationship with the actor you’re doing stunts for.”

  I watch Tanya disappear into her trailer, hoping she’ll turn around one more time to wave good-bye.

  She doesn’t.

  trance

  A Different Kidnapper

  I pick up my phone on the first ring.

  “I went to your house to see Frank,” Matt says.

  “I told you monkey-napping was out of the question!”

  “I wasn’t going to take him, I swear,” Matt says. “I wanted to check on him after the operation, but he was gone.”

  “Look in my mother’s office. Maybe she took him with her so he wouldn’t be lonely.”

  Matt says he’ll call me right back.

  “You ready to hit the books again?” Ronnie asks. “You still have several hours until your scene.”

  To get out of reading, I ask Ronnie if we can watch Tony shoot his scene first.

  “You’ve got an obligation to do your work,” Tony says. “You signed a contract, remember?”

  obligation

  I answer my cell on the first ring. Anything to change the subject.

  “Carly’s here,” Matt says.

  This day is getting more confusing by the second. “What does Carly have to do with anything?” I ask.

  “She saw Swifty at his house, and he had Frank! He and his cousin are taking him to where his dad works.”

  imbecile

  “What? Why?”

  “Because he’s an imbecile—how many more reasons do you need? I ran over to tell your mom, but she’s not there. What should I do?”

  “Monkeys can bite,” I tell Matt. “Doesn’t Swifty know that?”

  “This is all my fault,” Matt says. “If I hadn’t hung out with Swifty and told him about your monkey, this never would’ve happened. He probably overheard us yesterday and let himself into your house.”

  “Never mind about that. We just need to get Frank back or the woman from Boston will take him for sure.”

  “Jamie’s not doing anything,” Matt suggests. “I’ll see if he can drive me
over.”

  I hear him talking to someone else in the background. “Carly’s coming too,” Matt finally says. “Can you meet us there?”

  I don’t want to blow my scene but tell Matt I’ll find a way.

  “How much time do I have before you need me?” I ask Tony.

  He looks over at the clock in the next trailer. (I guess aliens don’t wear watches.) “They’re shooting your scene in three hours.”

  “I’ll be back by then.” I grab Ronnie and tell him that there’s an emergency and I need a ride.

  “Whoa, whoa!” Tony says. “You can’t leave like that.”

  In all the confusion, I forgot I’m wearing the wig and girl sweats I’ll need for my last scene.

  “A friend’s in real trouble,” I tell Tony. “I’ll be back soon, I swear.”

  convince

  Tony thinks about it a moment. “I’ll call you to check in. Just make sure you don’t leave me hanging!”

  Just as I’m about to go, I notice Tanya’s returned. “What are you doing now?” she asks. “I’ve got a few hours off. Want to watch a DVD in my trailer?”

  This is, by far, the best offer I’ve ever had in my life. For a second, I try to convince myself that Matt and Carly can get Frank back by themselves, that hanging out in Tanya’s trailer is a choice any reasonable kid would make. But the thought passes quickly. Frank is my responsibility; it’s up to me to get him back.

  “I have to go,” I tell Tanya. “Some jerk at school stole my monkey.”