by Sydney Logan
“What are you thinking?”
“I was just remembering something Matt told me last week,” I said. “I get the feeling he’s not entirely comfortable with his life, and I’m not sure why.”
“Well, he is a senior,” Lucas reminded me. “Maybe it’s just a bit of teenage rebellion?”
I dropped the essay onto my lap and rubbed my tired eyes. “I don’t think so. I think it goes a little deeper.”
“And I think you’re tired.”
I smiled sheepishly, unable to deny it.
After packing up the leftover cookies, I handed him the container before following him out onto the front porch.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?”
I shrugged. “I don’t really have any. I need to finish some grading and do some lesson plans for next week.”
“Me too.”
He reached for my hand and our fingers entwined. “Would you want to go to church with me on Sunday?”
I grinned. “Are you giving it another chance?”
“I thought I would, yeah.”
I squeezed his hand. “Okay, I’ll go with you.”
“Really?”
“The roof may cave in,” I warned him.
“Not a chance.” Leaning down, he brushed his lips softly against mine. “Thanks for dinner.”
“You’re welcome.”
Another kiss, and this time, I was pretty sure I felt my toes curl.
“And the cookies.”
“Anytime,” I whispered.
After promising to pick me up on Sunday morning, he kissed me one last time before we said goodnight. I locked the door behind me, grabbed my cell, and it was only when I glanced at the screen did I notice today’s date.
September 8.
I’d been so consumed with school and Lucas that I hadn’t realized that Saturday was the anniversary of my parents’ death.
And just like that, I had plans for tomorrow.
The cemetery was just as I remembered, although I couldn’t imagine graveyards really changed much through the years. Silk flowers surrounded stones of granite, and I was disheartened to find some graves were in better condition than others.
It didn’t take long to find our family plot, and I was relieved to see the four gravesites were well maintained. I had no idea who was taking care of them, but I was grateful.
My eyes ghosted along my grandfather’s headstone. He’d died when I was young, so we’d never really had the chance to become close. I could recall some Christmases with him, but honestly, it was all a big blur. My most vivid childhood memories were with my parents, and of course, with my grandmother.
“Hey guys,” I said, sitting cross-legged in the grass. Wildflowers were scattered in shades of yellow and purple along the ground. “I know it’s been a long time. I have absolutely no excuse, so I won’t even try.”
Thankfully, the cemetery appeared to be empty, giving me the privacy I needed to talk to my family without feeling self-conscious about it.
“I’ve moved back to Sycamore Falls. I’m living in Grandma’s house. It has a new porch and it’s the prettiest shade of blue now.” I took a deep breath. “I’m teaching English at the high school. Aubrey and I have reconnected. She married Tommy, like we always knew she would. They have the sweetest baby boy. They teach, too.”
I drifted my fingers along the stem of a dandelion growing wild in the grass.
“And there’s Lucas.” Carefully, I pulled the dandelion from the ground. “He’s really wonderful. So patient and kind. I’m just not sure I can be what he needs. I’m afraid I’m too wounded.”
A single tear fell down my cheek, and I hastily brushed it away.
“He really cares about me, and I really care about him, too, but even that scares me because everyone I love eventually leaves me . . . or I leave them. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I can’t truly be healed. Maybe the wounds are just too deep and raw.”
A swift wind brushed across my cheek, and the dandelion seeds floated through the breeze.
“I miss all of you.” Leaning closer to the stones, I reverently traced the letters of their names.
Minutes later, the sky began to darken, and I rose to my feet, gently brushing the grass off my jeans before making my way to the car. I’d just opened the door as the first raindrops began to fall.
It was the longest I’d ever spent at the cemetery, and I couldn’t believe how exhausted I felt. Baring your soul was draining, but in some strange way, it felt cathartic.
Maybe I’d come back someday.
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind,” Pastor Martin quoted from the New Testament.
That scripture was profound. I couldn’t help but think it might be even more effective if the preacher wasn’t screaming it from the pulpit.
Lucas squeezed my hand, and I tried to relax.
It had been so long since I’d stepped inside this church—or any church for that matter—but everyone welcomed me with open arms and smiling faces. Aubrey and Tommy ushered us to their pew, and Daniel had immediately climbed into my lap. He was such a good baby, somehow sleeping through the commotion that surrounded us. Throughout the service, the congregation had given testimonies, and after each, the choir would sing. It was joyous, spirited, and loud, and Daniel had snored peacefully through it all.
I’d been naturally apprehensive about today, but the music was good, the sermon wasn’t too terrible, and Lucas was by my side. Pastor Martin was a definite improvement from the preacher from my childhood who coerced youngsters into being “saved” with threats of eternal damnation and lakes of fire. I never understood the concept of using fear to convert the masses when, at the same time, you were trying to convince them they were serving a loving God.
Very confusing stuff for a kid.
As an adult, it was still puzzling, but at least you were capable of making your own decision about such things.
The preacher asked us to turn to a page in our hymnal, and the entire congregation stood to sing “Amazing Grace” before we were dismissed.
“Why don’t the two of you come back to the house?” Aubrey asked, reaching for Daniel. He buried his face against her shoulder and continued to snore. “Tommy could fire up the grill. It might be our last chance until spring.”
“Whatever Sarah would like to do is fine with me,” Lucas replied.
Tommy then pulled him aside to say hello to our principal.
Aubrey sighed. “Is he really that perfect?”
“Yes, and it’s maddening.”
She giggled. “I think it’s wonderful.”
I watched while Principal Mullins introduced Lucas to some of the men surrounding their pew.
“Is that area still reserved for the deacons?”
“Yes, and our principal is one of the most vocal,” she replied sourly. “You know the amendment in the constitution about the separation of church and state?
I nodded.
She leaned close, her voice now a mere whisper.
“Principal Mullins doesn’t believe in it.”
“What does that mean?”
But she didn’t have the chance to answer because we were suddenly surrounded by smiling faces—none of which I recognized, but who seemed to know all about me. I smiled politely and breathed a sigh of relief when they finally walked away.
“So, you’ll come back to the house?”
“Sure. What can we bring?”
“Just yourselves. Tommy will be so excited. He’s been begging to grill for weeks. And the great thing is, we’ll have their undivided attention because the Colts don’t play this afternoon.”
Across the room, Tommy was still in deep conversation with one of the deacons. Lucas’s eyes, however, were fixed on me.
Naturally, Aubrey noticed.
“It looks like someone’s attention is already undivided,” she whispered in my ear.
“Something’s changed.”
I
sipped my lemonade and watched from the deck while Lucas and Tommy chased Daniel around the big backyard. The power nap in church had done wonders for the toddler’s energy level, and he’d been a holy terror since we’d arrived at their house. Daniel ran from the swing set to the slide, over to me and his mom, and then back to his sandbox in the grass.
“Don’t ignore me, Sarah.”
“You are so bossy, and I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You were never a good liar. More lemonade?”
I laughed as she refilled my glass. She was still the perfect hostess despite the insults.
“Fine, a few things have changed,” I admitted.
“Such as?”
“He told me about New York.” I offered no other details because it wasn’t my story to tell. “And we . . . might have kissed.”
She actually squealed, causing the boys to look in our direction.
“Just kissed?”
“No, Aubrey, I ripped his clothes off and did very naughty things to him on my living room couch.”
Her smile was wicked and bright. “That’s my girl!”
I rolled my eyes.
“Are you insane? Yes, we just kissed.”
Daniel was in the sandbox once again, and Lucas and Tommy were sitting in the nearby grass, talking in hushed tones. I wondered if maybe they were having this very same conversation. The thought made me laugh out loud, causing Lucas to lift his head and smile at me.
“Sarah, he’s in love with you. You know that, don’t you?”
I shook my head. “He can’t be.”
“Why can’t he be?”
“Because he’s known me for about a month?”
Aubrey shrugged. “Sometimes, all it takes is a month. People always made fun of us when I told them it was love at first sight for Tommy and me, but the joke is on them. We’re still together after all these years.”
“You make it look so easy.” Even I could hear the envy in my voice.
“It’s not easy. I won’t lie. Being married to a coach and raising a toddler puts a strain on a marriage, but we make it work.”
I sighed softly. “He doesn’t even know me, Aubrey.”
“I have a feeling Lucas knows you better than anyone.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do know what you mean. I also know what happened in Memphis isn’t who you are, Sarah. It’s something that happened to you. There’s a difference.”
We grew quiet while watching the boys. In no time at all, Daniel grew tired of the sandbox and was now begging his daddy to push him on the swing.
“Memphis wasn’t your fault,” Aubrey finally whispered.
“I didn’t do enough to prevent it from happening. The signs were there, and I chose to ignore them.”
“So you’re supposed to be omniscient and perfect?”
“A young man might still be alive if I had been.”
She sighed. “It was a horrible tragedy, absolutely, and I’m so sorry you went through that, but Sarah—”
“I know,” I whispered. “It’s time to move on.”
Aubrey nodded in agreement.
“I only know the details from the news articles, but I know it wasn’t your fault. Maybe sharing that part of your life with Lucas will help you come to terms with everything. Something tells me he’ll be better than any therapist could ever be.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon with them. Tommy grilled steaks and Aubrey baked the potatoes while Lucas and I played with Daniel in the sandbox. I felt a little guilty for not being in the kitchen, but Aubrey assured me that keeping her child entertained was more than enough help.
“Your conversation with Aubrey seemed pretty serious,” Lucas remarked as he flipped his pail, forming a perfect mound of sand. Daniel’s laugh was infectious while filling his own bucket, but when he turned it over and pulled it away, he was disappointed when his sand castle instantly crumbled.
“You have to take your time,” Lucas encouraged him. “Pack the sand tight to form a strong foundation, and then be very careful when you lift the pail.”
Daniel listened intently and followed the directions, clapping with glee when his next sand castle stood firmly in place. Satisfied with his masterpiece, Daniel jogged toward the swing.
“That’s the thing about foundations,” I whispered wistfully and trailed my fingers along the grains of sand. “When it’s already weak, the slightest shift can make it fall apart.”
Lucas’s eyes ghosted over my face, and we both knew I wasn’t really talking about the sand.
He took my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “It might crumble, but it can always be restored. It might take some time—and a gentle touch—but it can be mended if it wants to be.”
“What if it’s too late? What if it’s beyond repair?”
“I don’t think anything is beyond repair. At least I hope not. Maybe it just takes a fresh start. A new beginning.”
Both of our foundations were still shaky, but could we possibly be strong again?
“That’s why I’m here,” I said quietly.
His smile warmed my heart.
“Me too.”
Chapter 11
It was dark by the time we headed home. We’d tried to leave earlier, but Daniel kept insisting we play “just one more minute.”
It was hard to say no to those big brown eyes.
“How long have Tommy and Aubrey been together?” Lucas asked as he pointed the car toward town.
“Since seventh grade. Tommy invited her to a school dance, and they’ve been together ever since.”
“They’ve never dated anyone else?”
“Not that I know of. We weren’t particularly close our last two years of high school, but I can’t imagine they’ve ever been apart. I’ve never met two people more perfect for each other.” He looked confused.
“Why weren’t you close the last two years of high school?”
“I wasn’t close to anyone, but my grandma,” I told him. “After my parents died, I distanced myself from everybody. In my sixteen-year-old mind, if I didn’t love anyone, then it wouldn’t hurt me if they left me behind.”
Lucas reached for my hand and continued to drive.
“Did you date a lot in high school?”
I smiled, grateful for the change in subject. “Not a lot, no. I had a couple of boyfriends, but there was only one that was even remotely serious. We’d tell my parents we were going to the movies, but we rarely made it there.”
Lucas grinned at me. “Where did you go?”
“Parking, usually. We’d find some deserted back road and make out in . . .” my voice trailed off when I realized he’d turned down the dusty gravel road that led to Jude Taylor’s farm, “. . . the back seat of his dad’s old Chevy.”
“A back road like this one?” Lucas’s voice was deep and low as the car crept along the deserted road.
What is he doing?
“Umm . . . well, this one would be dangerous because it leads straight to Jude Taylor’s house, and you’re bound to get caught, but . . . uh . . . there’s a side road up here on the left. It was a pretty popular parking spot when we were in high school.”
He drove another mile before the promised road came into view. It was covered in gravel, and still headed straight back into the woods.
Out of sight.
Far out of sight.
Without a word, Lucas turned left.
He even used his signal light.
I would have laughed if I hadn’t been so damn nervous.
“Lucas, have you ever done this?”
He brought the car to an abrupt stop just under a canopy of trees and turned off the ignition. The glow of the moon was our only light, and my body trembled with excitement when he unbuckled his seatbelt before reaching for mine.
“Nope,” Lucas murmured, pulling my hand to his lips. I gasped softly as he gently kissed my palm. It was meant to be a sweet, innocent gesture, but it did nothing but
ignite my blood.
In an instant, I was climbing over the back seat, pulling him along until our bodies were pressed against each other in the tight confines of his car.
“God, this was so much easier when I was sixteen.”
Lucas silenced my giggle by crashing his mouth against mine. Our bodies entwined as we fumbled in the darkness, groping and kissing like a couple of teenagers. There was something about the night that made us bold, and our kisses became frantic. With trembling fingers, I hurriedly unbuttoned his shirt. Groaning roughly, his hand slipped beneath my blouse. I gasped excitedly when his hand ghosted along the lace of my bra.
“Sarah . . .” he whispered against my neck. Twisting my fingers in his hair, I pulled him closer, causing him to moan against my skin. My heart was thundering in my chest as he lifted his head toward mine. I gently caressed his handsome face while he gazed into my eyes, and I knew—deep in my soul—I was falling in love.
“What was his name?”
The strange question brought me back to reality.
“Whose?”
Lowering his head, Lucas gently kissed the corner of my mouth. “The boyfriend who used to take you parking in his dad’s Chevy.”
His lips brushed my jawline, and I sighed softly.
“Toby.” His teeth found my earlobe, making me moan. “Toby . . . something.”
“Did he make you feel like this?”
“No one has.” Lucas’s entire body shuddered as my hands slipped along his muscular shoulders, pushing his shirt away. My legs wrapped around his waist, and I arched into him, making him groan roughly. “Only you.”
“Only me,” Lucas whispered softly against my lips.
Our kisses became desperate once again until a sharp rapping on the window caused me to scream.
“This cannot be happening,” Lucas mumbled miserably as I shielded my eyes from the brightness of the flashlight streaming through the glass. We hastily untangled ourselves and adjusted our clothes before rolling down the window.
Naturally, it was a deputy—grinning like an idiot.
Did small towns always have to be so predictable?
“Sarah Bray, is that you?”
I sighed heavily.
“For future reference, I want those words etched on my tombstone,” I muttered to Lucas. “Yes, is there a problem, officer?”
