by Sydney Logan
I nodded against his skin. I did. I felt it every time he touched me. Every time he looked at me.
It terrified me.
It thrilled me.
“Let me say it,” he pleaded softly.
I shook my head. “Not yet.”
We held each other a while longer until Lucas sighed and kissed my hair.
“Stay with me tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch. I just want to take care of you. And then tomorrow morning, we’ll go to church if you want. Or we’ll stay right here, and I’ll even cook breakfast. Just . . . stay with me.”
I couldn’t say no, and I really didn’t want to.
“Okay.”
Voices roar through the high school cafeteria while students navigate their way to the tables. The cliques are easily spotted: the jocks, the geeks, the beauty queens, the slackers . . .
Where will he sit today?
Despite the fact he’s a handsome and impeccably dressed young man, he fades into the background. Knowing it’s pointless, the girls don’t bother to look his way, and the guys deliberately avoid his eyes.
He grips his tray tightly and heads toward the corner table with the rest of the outcasts. They nod hello, but that’s the end of any real attempt at conversation. It’s an unspoken rule of sorts. This is their refuge—a tiny bit of sanctuary in the hell that is public high school—and they’re content to sit in peace.
He takes a seat, and I can see the exhaustion on his face. It’s not a weariness that comes from too many sleepless nights. This is a bone-tired fatigue no seventeen-year-old kid should ever feel.
He’s giving in.
Giving up.
In my peripheral vision, I see a senior stalk into the cafeteria. He’s tall, with deep brown eyes and jet-black hair that won’t stay in place. He’s good looking, popular, and a little conceited, thanks to his father’s wealth and status.
He has a reputation to uphold. Rumors to squash.
A score to settle.
He pulls the silver gun out of his jacket pocket. Amid the chaos, no one notices.
I notice.
I try to run, but I’m frozen in place.
I try to scream, but there’s no sound.
The first shot rings out, and suddenly, everyone’s on the cold tile.
Tears, prayers, screams.
Another shot, and for some reason, I’m the only one who can’t move. Who can’t scream. Who can’t do anything but watch as the young man’s body slumps over his tray.
Finally, I find my voice and scream his name.
My body jerked awake as the crash of thunder roared in my ears. Lightning flashed in the window, and I felt a momentary rush of panic when I couldn’t remember where I was.
Then I heard Lucas’s soft snoring coming from the living room, and I smiled despite my rapidly racing heart. The nightmares always frightened me, and I was out of practice. I hadn’t had one since my first night in Sycamore Falls.
It wasn’t a mystery why the nightmares were coming back now.
Smoothing my hand along the blanket, I sat up in his bed. It wasn’t a big bed, but it was definitely big enough for two people and certainly big enough for us. He’d insisted on sleeping in the living room despite my protests.
My mind knew it was the right decision, but my heart was missing him. And, after the dream, I desperately needed to feel his arms around me.
I climbed out of bed and tiptoed toward the living room, and what I found made my heart race frantically once again. Lucas was sprawled across his tiny couch with his legs dangling off the sides. He didn’t look comfortable at all, but his snores assured me he was sleeping peacefully.
The couch wasn’t very big, but it might be big enough for two.
Very carefully, I settled myself against the cushion, and he murmured in his sleep when I slipped my arm around his waist. Instinctively, his arm draped my shoulder and he pulled me close to his chest. I snuggled against him and sighed contently.
“I missed you,” he whispered. His voice was sleepy and soft.
“I missed you, too.”
His hand cradled my face as he kissed the top of my head. I pressed my ear to his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat combined with his soft snores soothed me to sleep.
Chapter 14
It was still raining when I awoke the next morning. The pitter-patter against the roof was loud, but it was a relaxing sound and only made me want to snuggle deeper into Lucas’s arms.
I didn’t want to go to church today.
I didn’t want to move from this spot.
His fingers were gently dancing along my spine. It was the softest of touches, and the motion nearly lulled me back to sleep until a rumble of thunder caused both of us to jump. Lucas’s arm tightened around me as I buried my face against his chest.
“Good morning.”
I groaned tiredly, and he laughed.
“Not a morning person?”
“Not at all,” I mumbled. I rested my head on his chest and gazed up at his handsome face. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He grinned down at me. “How did you sleep?”
“Not too bad. You?”
“Much better, once you joined me.”
“You should have just come to bed. I think I could have kept my hands to myself.”
Smiling, he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I couldn’t have.”
Lucas pulled me up his body, his hands settling on my hips.
Touching my forehead to his, I sighed softly. “I probably have terrible morning breath.”
“I don’t care.”
He placed a soft kiss along the corner of my mouth. My heart raced as his lips brushed mine, and when his tongue softly teased my bottom lip, morning breath was the very last thing on my mind. His hands slid down, gently cupping my bottom and pulling me tighter against him, and I moaned.
“I told you I couldn’t have kept my hands to myself,” Lucas said breathlessly.
I shifted against him, and he groaned hoarsely as my mouth covered his.
Lucas had been right.
The bed would have been a bad idea.
Thankfully, common sense prevailed, and after a few more not-so-innocent kisses, I offered to make breakfast while he took a shower. It was unbelievably tempting to stay tangled in each other’s arms on this rainy Sunday morning, but we decided to go to church instead.
After all, Deputy Hank would be disappointed if we didn’t make an appearance.
After a quick stop at the house to change, Lucas and I made our way to church. Deputy Hank smirked and nodded in our direction as we found a seat near the back. The entire congregation was buzzing, and it didn’t take long to realize they were gossiping about the fight between Patrick and Matt.
In their usual front pew were Mr. and Mrs. Stuart, looking uncomfortable and completely exhausted. I wasn’t surprised that Matt was nowhere to be seen. Patrick, however, was sitting directly across the Stuarts with his father by his side. His expression was cold and hard, and his eyes remained fixed on the preacher as he welcomed us.
“It is with a heavy heart I greet you this morning,” Pastor Martin announced. “Our youth are conflicted. Friendships are being tested. Parents are struggling to understand. A community is striving to be supportive.”
Members of the congregation looked appropriately shame-faced for gossiping.
Throughout the sermon, my eyes roamed along the pews. I noticed several members of the football team staring down at their laps with guilty expressions while the pastor preached from the book of Romans.
“Bless them which persecute you; bless, and curse not. Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengea
nce is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”
There were a few “amens” from the congregation, and Patrick’s face was smug.
After the service, we declined Aubrey’s invitation for lunch. I wasn’t in the mood to be happy and sociable. I was, however, eager to pay a visit to Matt. Lucas seemed to understand, and he offered to drive me home.
“I can go with you,” he offered again as he walked me to my door. The rain had finally ceased, and the sun was trying to peek out from behind the clouds.
“I really need to do this on my own, but I’ll call you later? We could have an early dinner.”
“Dinner sounds great.” He smiled and kissed me softly. “Thanks for staying last night.”
“Thanks for taking care of me.”
“I love taking care of you.”
We kissed goodbye, and I watched him drive away before heading inside to change into a pair of jeans. I had no idea what I was going to say to Matt. Maybe I wouldn’t say anything at all.
I just wanted him to know I was on his side, and I would not let history repeat itself.
“I’m going to pretend to be surprised to see you,” Matt said, grinning at me from his place on the couch. The swelling in his face had lessened a bit, but he was still covered in bandages. His arm was now in a cast, and he was surrounded by game controllers and pizza boxes.
“How are you feeling, Matt?”
“Doc gave me some kickass meds, so the pain isn’t too bad.”
Grabbing the remote, he turned off the television and offered me a seat on the couch. “How are you? You kind of scared the crap out of me when you passed out like that.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Low blood sugar.”
“Right.”
We shared a smile.
“We missed you at church this morning, but I understand why you didn’t go.”
“I bet I was the topic of the sermon.”
“Not you, necessarily, but he did talk about friendship and living in harmony. It was a good message.”
I left out the line about leaving room for God’s wrath. The kid had enough troubles.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but I could tell he was trying to find the words to say what he needed to say.
“I’m gay,” Matt finally whispered.
“I know.”
He looked so relieved, as if he’d been dying to say the words for years. He probably had been.
“You’re the first person I’ve ever told, Miss Bray.”
“I’m glad you felt like you could share that with me.”
His eyes searched my face. “But you don’t approve.”
“It doesn’t matter if I approve. What matters to me is you’re happy and safe.”
“I’m neither of those things.” With a grimace, Matt shifted on the couch. He was always fidgeting, and I wondered if he was simply nervous or if he was truly that uncomfortable. He was breathless by the time he got himself settled once again.
“You’d never know I worked out every day, huh? The simple act of lying on a couch wipes me out.”
I smiled sympathetically. “You’ll get your strength back.”
“Yeah, but I won’t get my throwing arm back,” Matt replied, his voice full of sorrow. “It was my only chance of getting out of Sycamore Falls. A college scout won’t even look at me now.”
“You can still go to school. If you keep your grades up, you might even get an academic scholarship.”
“I can’t stay here,” Matt whispered. “You know that, right? It won’t be long until the whole town knows about me.”
“Matt, I won’t say a word.”
Grimacing, he shifted his body once again. “I’m not worried about you. Patrick knows. By now, I bet the whole team knows.”
I listened intently while Matt told me all about Friday night’s party. Apparently, a group of guys from a neighboring county had joined them. The booze flowed, and when one of the guys asked Matt to dance, it didn’t even dawn on him to say no.
“Drinking is so stupid. It makes you forget where you are and who you’re trying to be. I danced with him, and when I walked him to his truck, we exchanged numbers. It was stupid and reckless, but I did it. He was cute, you know? But of course, we were followed, and Patrick saw it all. He’s always suspected I was gay—I have no idea why—but seeing me dance with a guy just kind of confirmed it in his mind.”
“Is that why you got into the fight at school?”
“It was part of the reason,” Matt admitted. “Really, it was because Patrick really likes Carrie, and since he suspected I was gay, he felt I wasn’t being fair to her. He called me a few names, and apparently, I fight better when I’m sober because I broke his arm that day.”
Glancing down at his cast, he exhaled a noisy sigh. “Payback’s a real bitch, Miss Bray.”
I smiled sadly. “What about your folks? What are they saying about all of this?”
“Mom knows I’m gay, although she’d never admit it. A mom knows these things. Dad has no idea, and he will disown me. I tried not to be this way, Miss Bray. I tried. I dated girls. Kissed them. I even . . . well, you know.”
I nodded while praying he didn’t go into specifics.
“I tried so hard, but it’s who I am, and I wish I could change it. I wish I could just meet a sweet girl and fall in love with her, but it’s impossible. Nobody in this town is going to understand, and that’s why I have to leave when I graduate. Even if it’s just as rough out there. Even if I face the same prejudices. At least I won’t have to face them in this town, where I have absolutely no chance at all.”
Matt leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. The speech had made him tired, and when his mom came into the living room to give him his next round of pain meds, I knew it was time to head home.
“Miss Bray,” he whispered as I rose to my feet. “I think you’re the bravest person I know, and your secret is safe with me.”
Debbie offered me a timid smile and placed his medicine on the table.
Matt was right. Mothers do know everything.
“Yours, too,” I promised him.
Luckily, I was able to keep my promise because Lucas didn’t ask a single question about my conversation with Matt. He just hugged me and made sure I was okay before taking it upon himself to cook dinner. He’d chosen to make homemade lasagna, and the only thing I was allowed to do was chop vegetables for the salad.
“My kitchen is never going to recover,” I teased as my eyes swept across the room where utensils and cheese littered the countertops. Lucas just smirked and pointed me toward a chair. “It smells great, though.”
“We’ll see.” He looked anxious as he scooped the portions onto our plates. That’s when I decided, no matter how the lasagna tasted, I was going to promise it was the best I’d ever eaten.
Then I took a bite, and I was pleasantly surprised to find I wouldn’t have to lie.
I moaned appreciatively. “It’s so good, Lucas.”
He smiled brightly and sighed with relief.
“So,” he said between bites, “I’ve been thinking about that rope swing . . . you know, the one you always loved so much when you were a kid. Are you ever going to show it to me?”
“Would you like to see it?”
“Sure. Besides, we’ve yet to go swimming. We should do that before it gets too cold.”
I grinned. My city boy wanted to swim in the river.
“Do you have swim trunks?”
“Do I need them?”
I could feel the heat creep across my face.
“The water can be pretty cold,” I warned him, trying desperately to hide my excitement.
He chuckled nervously. “I just wondered if regular shorts would be okay.”
“Oh,” I muttered, completely embarrassed. “Sure, shorts are fine.”
After dinner—and after my kitchen was back in order—I made a mad dash for my closet. I didn’t have a bathing suit, so I grabbed an old T-s
hirt, a pair of shorts, and an extra change of clothes for after the swim. Rushing into the bathroom, I quickly changed and grabbed a couple of towels. I stuffed everything into a bag and slipped on a pair of flip-flops before rushing back down the stairs. Lucas was waiting at the landing, and I watched his eyes sweep over me as I walked down the stairs.
Suddenly, he frowned.
“You look disappointed.”
He shrugged. “I am a little.”
“Why?”
“I was just hoping you owned a bikini.”
I rolled my eyes, and he laughed loudly before leaning down to kiss me.
“Are you sure this is the right place?” Lucas wondered aloud as we looked up at the gigantic sycamore tree standing proudly on the edge of the water. It was definitely the right tree, but there wasn’t a rope in sight.
“I’m sure.”
Lucas gazed over the hill and across the water. “We can still swim. To be honest, I wasn’t excited about throwing myself off a suspended rope, anyway.”
“Chicken,” I muttered.
Swiftly, he lifted me into the air.
“Lucas!”
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kicked and screamed while he laughed and bolted toward the water. Suddenly, I was airborne, and the last thing I heard before I hit the chilly water was Lucas’s boyish laugh.
Splashing and sputtering, I kicked my way to the surface.
“It’s freezing!” I yelled, wiping water out of my eyes. I’d forgotten how cold that first dip in the river could be! It always took my breath away until my body got used to the temperature.
“Whose idea was this?” Lucas shouted. His hair was dripping wet and he had the biggest smile on his face. He was also shirtless, and I was trying very hard not to stare.
“Yours!”
“Oh yeah.” Lucas’s arms found my waist, and my hands gripped his shoulders. “I’m pretty sure I just wanted to see you in a bikini, though.”
Feeling brave, I let go of him just long enough to pull my T-shirt over my head. It wasn’t like the soaked white cotton shirt was leaving much to the imagination anyway. Lucas inhaled sharply as I tossed it aside. Slipping my arms around his neck, I pulled myself closer to his chest. His wet skin brushed across mine, and I felt him shudder.
