by T. A. Brock
Panting through his fear, he watched as slowly, so very slowly, her skin began to patch itself. Her eyes stared into the space where the water ran into the tub. Her rapid breathing was testament to the raging emotions she was still dealing with.
When the water was past her shoulders, he cranked the handle off. The silence was painful, hurting his ears more than any loud noise could. Still, she stared at the faucet with lifeless eyes.
“I’m so very sorry,” he said. “I know you’re angry, but please…I had no choice. They were going to kill you both. What else could I do?”
Raina’s lids closed and stayed that way.
“You forgave me before.” His voice was thin as the thread of hope he had, that they would survive this. “Can’t you understand? I did what I had to do in order to save you.”
Brow creased, eyes shut tight, she spat, “You gave our helpless baby up to those demons to be murdered. Tell me, how can I ever forgive that?”
Leiv sat back against the toilet, and crushed his palms to either side of his pounding head. She was right. The things he’d done were too awful. Forgiveness was impossible. The vice on his heart constricted even more. He’d lose her now, and all the parts of him would be gone. His baby, his mate. His heart, his soul. After the Oracles’ threat, his only choice had been to salvage whatever part of their family he could. He’d saved Raina, but not their baby.
In the aftermath, he could see he’d chosen wrong.
The next morning Leiv paced the kitchen, his patience wearing thin. He’d left Raina alone last night, hoping she would calm down and they could talk more. But here it was, almost dark again, and she hadn’t come out of her room. Things were tough right now, but he was sure about one thing: they loved each other, and he would do whatever it took to repair the hole in her heart. There would always be a scar, but all scars faded with time.
It might very well take until his dying breath but he would fix this. Somehow.
Every time he thought about their baby, his heart throbbed. He’d spent most of the day working through his feelings. For weeks he’d shoved nine months’ worth of memories to the back of his mind so he wouldn’t have to deal with his loss—and the fact that it was his fault.
Now that things were out in the open, he allowed himself to recall those days when Raina’s belly and the life growing inside it was all he could think about. Being a daddy. Creating life that was part him, part her. Part living, part dead. It was magical. Leiv had spent months wonderstruck at the idea…and the months just before the birth sick with worry and guilt.
Right now, he felt two things: sorrow and determination. Sorrow for the child he failed and determination to never make a mistake like this again. He’d do the right thing from here on out, no matter how badly it hurt him.
Staring out the kitchen window, he watched the sun set. When the last ray was tucked behind the horizon, he couldn’t wait any longer. He went to check on Raina and make sure she was okay.
Chapter 10
“RAINA, PLEASE. CAN WE TALK?” Leiv knocked for the third time. The door was locked or he would’ve just gone in. “I need to know you’re okay. Are you drinking enough?”
No answer.
“Just…just knock back if you’re okay.”
Nothing.
“Please. I know you’re angry, but I’m worried.”
Silence.
Leiv paced the length of the hallway, unsure of what to do. He put his ear to the door, listening for any sign of life. A sob, a rustle of sheets. There was absolute stillness. A horrible feeling of foreboding washed over him, causing the hairs on the back of his neck to prickle.
Slapping his palm against the door, he yelled, “Raina, let me in. Open the door!”
Still she didn’t answer. He banged harder with no results, so he ran to get the master key. In his haste, he had trouble getting it into the lock but when the door opened, and he found the room empty, he was confused.
“The bathroom.”
Throwing the door open, he found she wasn’t there either.
“Raina!” he called, and went through the house, checking room by room. She was nowhere to be found. As a last resort, he checked the—what would have been—the nursery. She wasn’t there either.
When he turned to leave, he saw a piece of paper resting on the blue sheets in the crib.
With heavy steps, he went to stand where their child would’ve slept, and stared at the page that had writing on it. Leiv gulped, his heart sinking and spiraling into a black hole. So many breaths came and went before he was strong enough to read.
His shaking hands reached for it, and with six words, his whole future changed course:
I can’t do this right now.
Raina didn’t know where she was and she didn’t know where she was going. All she knew was she wasn’t staying with Leiv. In a house they’d shared. While she was…pregnant. Where he’d killed her. And abandoned their child.
No. She wasn’t doing that.
She’d hitchhiked past Vancouver and ended up camping next to a stream. It was still chilly this far north, but she found the cold didn’t bother her much. A zombie thing. Before leaving, she’d packed what she could carry on her back. It would have to be enough until she could figure out a way to make money. As long as there was water, she’d be okay.
“It takes more than water to survive out here.” Raina jumped at the unexpected voice, her hand swooping to the dagger she’d brought with her. She hadn’t spoken out loud, so this stranger wasn’t a human. Could some zombies read minds? There was nothing in the book about it. Or, at least not that she’d read.
“Relax. I’m here to help.”
Raina observed the female. She seemed sorely out of place, but then again they were in the wilderness, and Raina wasn’t exactly equipped to be hiking and camping either. The nameless woman wore royal blue leather pants, a sleeveless blouse with a cat’s face on the front, and some kind of stiff metal collar that curved around her neck, stopping at her chin. Her hair was a shade of red that gave Raina the idea it wasn’t natural, and the color of her eyes was a pale brown, almost tan.
Raina had never seen anyone like her.
Calmly, the stranger eyed her. “Name’s Siam, but you can call me Si if you want.”
Raina swallowed, willing her heart to slow down before she ran out of water. “Why are you here?” This must be a Reaper. Had they come to take her back to Leiv? Because she wasn’t going, no matter what.
Siam casually reached up and snapped an icicle from the nearest tree branch and started sucking it like a lollipop. “You know,” she said, pointing the icicle at Raina, “you’re supposed to tell me your name. That’s what you do when you meet someone for the first time.”
Raina shifted on her feet, never moving her hand from the dagger. “Something tells me you already know who I am.”
Siam smiled wide. “You know what, kid? I like you. I do, in fact, already know your name. And yeah, I don’t like going through the trouble of pleasantries either. It’s so—” she waved her icicle in the air as if that would help her think of the word “—normal. Normal is boring.”
Raina stared at her. “Okay.”
“So. Tell me, Raina, what are you doing out here away from your mate?”
Raina shook her head.
Siam’s face pinched. “Ooh. Too much? We still too stranger-y to talk boys?”
“I’m just going it alone for a while. And yes, we are still…stranger-y.”
“Well, if you want my opinion—you do, right? Because you should. I’m extremely wise. That’s simply what happens when you’re older than dirt.”
Older than dirt? Raina gasped. This was an Oracle. Was she the one responsible for the death of her baby? She struggled between the urge to run for her life or to lunge at Siam.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, I know what you must be thinking—”
“Was it you? Did you take my child?”
“Not exactly.”
Raina pulled h
er dagger, but she knew in minutes, the effort would be useless. She needed a drink. “Tell me who did this to my family.”
Something flashed in the Oracle’s eyes but it was indefinable. Could’ve been anger, sympathy, or pure undiluted evil. “You won’t like the answer.”
“Tell me!”
Siam tossed the remainder of the icicle into the creek. “You. You did this.”
Raina’s eyes changed to brown with that single statement. “I didn’t.”
“Not intentionally, no. But you and Leiv are responsible for ignoring the law. Or hey, maybe we’re all responsible. Maybe this is the culmination of a boat load of mistakes by too many people. Whatever lame zombie who turned Leiv and left him. The Reapers who shoved a book in his face and told him to figure it out. The Oracles for never revealing why humans and zombies can’t mate. Nothing like a law with seemingly no reason to it, to make people want to break it. I mean, yeah. Each and every one of us is responsible for what happened. But it happened, Raina.”
The pain of dehydration was starting to set in. Mixed with the open wounds of her lost child, it was nearly unbearable.
Siam’s hand, holding a canteen, appeared before Raina’s face. “Drink.”
She did, because she couldn’t get answers out of the Oracle if she was a raisin. When the physical pain lessened, she lifted her glare to Siam. “Where is he? My son?”
“The Oracles have taken care of him.”
Raina withered every time she heard a new word or phrase for what happened. Eliminated. Taken care of. It all meant murdered. “So, he’s gone,” she said, defeated.
“Yes.”
What had she hoped for? That they’d had mercy on him, spared him? That somehow, she could be reunited with him? That she might find his body and lay him to rest properly?
Raina sank to the ground, head in her hands. She had no direction, no purpose. For all she cared, she could just sit here until her hundred years was up. Her life—death—had been flipped upside down, thrown into tailspin, and now she was utterly and completely lost.
Raina dunked her feet into the cold, clear stream. She hadn’t moved from her camping spot in two weeks. It was a testament to how deep into the woods she’d walked that no wildlife rangers had spotted her.
She glanced at the source of the annoying tap, tap, tap that was on the verge of driving her mad. Siam with a thin, fragile icicle in each hand, carefully played drums on the wide leaves of a Devil’s Club plant. She’d been Raina’s almost constant companion, only leaving to get them meat—Raina didn’t ask where she’d found it. And it didn’t matter that Raina hadn’t spoken a word since their first meeting; Siam could carry on a vivacious one-sided conversation.
“For the love of my sanity, can you please stop?”
The drumming paused. “Oh, good. I was beginning to think you’d lost the ability to speak.”
She just wanted peace. To think. To decide what she was going to do with the rest of her days. Of course, she couldn’t stay in the wilderness forever. She knew that, but going back to the real world didn’t work for her right now.
“Tell me,” Siam said. “What will make you return to your tribe?”
Raina shook her head. “Nothing. I don’t want to see him. There’s nothing for me there.”
“That’s not true. There is love. It’s twisted and scarred but it’s there.”
“How can you be so oblivious to something so wrong? What has happened is unacceptable. A life has been taken from this earth and you, him, everyone just acts like it was all in a day’s work. A loose end that needed tying. It was a life. It was part of me.”
Siam was quiet for a long time before she rose and came to put her own feet in the creek. “We’ve lived too long.” She sighed. “We’ve lost sight of the value of life because it doesn’t mean anything to us. Only death does, and then the undead. It isn’t right, but we try to make up for it by protecting the humans who are not promised to us.”
“I was willing to forgive what was done to me. But this? This I can’t forgive.”
“You would’ve died. You would have lost the baby no matter what.”
Raina nodded, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. “Yes, but I would have chosen to fight for his life. I’d have died trying to save him. It was my choice to make and Leiv took that choice away from me.”
“You think like a human.” Siam stared into the water, supernaturally still. “It seems…some zombies retain more of their humanity than others.” The way she said it, void of her usual irreverent tone, made Raina wonder if she was as cold as she seemed. “Those zombies usually become Reapers.”
“Answer something, how many carriers have been…” She couldn’t bring herself to put another word to it.
“Too many.”
“Don’t you feel any guilt at all?”
Siam met her gaze. It was a peek into her soul, which Raina knew must be a rare sight. She could see guilt, shame. Years, and decades, and centuries worth of it. It wasn’t enough for Raina to forget what the Oracles had done, but it was something.
“Why are you still here?”
Siam shrugged. “I wanted to help you.”
An ironic snort escaped Raina’s lips. “I doubt there’s anything you can do for me, and besides, I don’t feel like helping you alleviate your guilty conscience.”
“There is something I can do…”
Raina wiped her eyes.
“You’ve read about Saves, yes?”
Raina nodded.
“You can have another chance at a family. If you choose to use your familial Save.”
“No. No, I’m not changing a human against their will. Not for any reason.”
Siam nodded. “That’s your choice. But I must say, the pull is meant to make up your mind for you. You’ll want to turn your Save more than anything else. You’ll crave that relationship.”
Raina shook her head in denial. “That’s sick.”
“Maybe. But it’s survival. It’s instinct. It’s as much a part of who you are as your eye color.”
There was silence as Raina tried to work through everything.
“What if it wasn’t against their will? What if your Save wanted to be a riser?” Siam asked.
“What do you mean?”
She canted her head to one side. “Well, there’s always a fifty-fifty chance your Save might choose this life. What if that were the case? Would you return to Leiv then? For the sake of your tribe?”
Raina thought hard about it, and she didn’t know the answer. “I honestly can’t say.”
Siam rose. “Good enough for me. Give me a minute.” Then she walked into the trees.
“What?” Raina stood and went after her. “Where are you going?”
Siam ignored her, walking right up to a large evergreen and stopping with her forehead against the bark. She pressed her palms to it and began to quiver.
“What are you doing?”
“Shhh. I need to concentrate. We’ll shoot the breeze when I’m done. And you might want to look away.”
Raina watched as Siam shook again, mumbling something under her breath. The trembling grew and so did the whispered chant until Raina felt the energy around her shift and shudder. Without warning, a blast of light shone from somewhere in the direction of Siam’s face. It was so hot, so brilliant, Raina threw her arm up to shield her eyes.
The wind picked up, howling. The icicles above them crackled and fell to the ground. Alternating blasts of cold and hot pricked Raina’s skin. Then, as if someone flipped a switch, it all stopped.
Raina peeked and noticed Siam now facing her, but her eyes held an eerie glow, reminiscent of the blinding light.
“I have seen your Save.”
Chapter 11
Nineteen Years Later...
South Side, Chicago, 1984
CONNER DIDN’T KNOW WHY Daddy was mad. He’d only wanted to play with the gun. Like cops and robbers. Conner wanted to be the cop, but Daddy didn’t like cops. Or Conner
playing with his gun. Now he was yelling so bad his face was red.
Conner fell to the floor when Daddy pushed him. His knee hit the corner of the table and he tried really hard not to cry. Daddy hated when he cried. It always made him yell louder.
A tear leaked out of his eye. Conner could see Daddy’s eyes get huge before he crouched down to scream in his face. It was so loud, and Daddy’s breath smelled like the trash can and a cherry popsicle mixed up together.
Conner was very scared but he tried to be brave. He thought of Captain America and Batman. They had so much courage. If he could be like them, he’d never be afraid again. He could have a Batmobile and everything. Maybe he would be more like them when he turned six. Right now he was only five and a half.
He got as close to the couch as he could, hoping Daddy would stop soon. Or Mommy would wake up. She took a shot earlier to feel better and now she couldn’t even hear Daddy yelling.
Daddy stormed into the kitchen. Conner jumped when he heard glass breaking. Was Daddy okay? A door slammed, then Daddy’s loud, loud boots pounded back to the living room.
But this time he was mad at Mommy.
Screaming bad words, he pulled her hair and tried to shake her awake. Conner got excited when her eyes opened a little, but she must have been very tired because she closed them again.
When she still wouldn’t wake up, Daddy said, “Conner, get up. You’re coming with me.”
No! He didn’t want to leave Mommy. Not when Daddy was so mad.
Daddy pulled his arm until they were outside. He pushed Conner until he was in the backseat of the car, then he turned the music up really loud. It still wasn’t as loud as Daddy’s yelling though.
The car was going fast, so fast it almost scared Conner. But the Batmobile was faster. He needed to get used to fast things if he was ever going to be like Batman.
Daddy stopped the car and they were at Conner’s favorite place. The park!
Conner’s door opened and Daddy said, “Go play while I talk to these men.”
Conner ran for the slide first. It was his favorite because it was really high up and he could pretend he was flying when he slid down it. The second time down, a big mean kid pushed him. Conner looked up to find Daddy to tell on him, but he was busy talking to the scary men. Those men were nothing like Batman.
