by D. Kelly
I smile up at him for the first time this morning. “I’m going to live for me. I’m going to have fun. I’m going to hang out with Marc, start working out again, go clubbing, and get drunk often. I’m going to let my inhibitions go and see where life takes me. And I’m going to be friends with Daniel and Mike.”
“Well, what the hell, Kate? Where are you fitting me into this new you? I didn’t hear anything about what you’re going to do with me in there.” I can’t help laughing at his over-animated response with hand gestures and all. I think Jess is rubbing off on him.
“There’s always room for you in there. When you’re not having your way with Jess, we’ll do our thing. Hit some bars, concerts, go to some clubs? Jess will love it. It’s just time to be me—to figure out who I really am without pining away for a man again.”
“So that’s the plan? Just push past the pain?”
“That’s the plan.”
“What’s the plan?” Jess asks sleepily as she walks into the kitchen.
“Kate’s new life motto, out with the old and in with the new.”
Jess’s eyes widen. “Ooohhh, does that mean you’re keeping Daniel? I wouldn’t blame you, he’s fuckability plus.”
“I’m sitting right here,” Connor states, sulking.
Jess laughs and says two words, “Jennifer Lawrence.”
“Hottest alpha bitch on the planet, fuckability off the charts. But she’s not accessible to me.”
“Daniel’s not accessible to me, either. He’s Kate’s,” Jess says, chuckling at him
“Not anymore.”
“Eww, Connor. Always. She had him first which means he’s hers. We don’t pass boys back and forth between us. Not ever.”
Connor seems to be reflecting on her words but he doesn’t say anything, just nods. For a brief moment I wonder what he’s thinking until Mike walks in.
“Morning, guys. Mind if I grab some coffee?”
“Help yourself, Mike. How’d you sleep last night?” Jess asks casually, but I know she’s looking for details.
His blue eyes meet mine and hold my gaze as my heart speeds up. He’s gorgeous and I’d kill to get an up close and personal look at that ink peeking out from under his sleeve.
Stop it, Kate.
Only friends.
“It was the best sleep I’ve had in years.” It’s not what he says but the megawatt smile that accompanies it that elicits Connor’s loud snort, I’m sure. Jess kicks him under the table but Mike doesn’t let it faze him. “Aren’t you guys all going to be late for school?”
“My first class isn’t until ten today. Aren’t you going to be late for work? You’ve got a hell of a drive,” Connor replies
“No, I sent an email in last night letting them know I had some stuff to take care of and would be taking a vacation day today.”
“Well, I’m taking today off; I need some time to decompress from the weekend. I’m having lunch with Marc after his class and then I’ve got to catch up on homework.”
I don’t miss the unmistakable clenching of Mike’s jaw and the tight clench of his hands on his coffee mug when I mention Marc. It’s comical; after all this time, he still hates him.
“Well… I decided to take the day off, too. I need girl time, so you guys need to finish your coffee and get on your way.” Jess never sugarcoats anything but they get it. They both know her well.
“Fine, I can see where I’m not wanted. Want to go grab breakfast, Mike? I’ve got time before class.”
“Sure, I could eat. Kate, can I get that journal before I go?” he asks hesitantly.
“Of course, come on up and I’ll grab it for you.” Mike follows me up the stairs and I pull the journal from my bookshelf. “It’s not much, but I hope it helps.” He takes it from my hand and pulls me into his embrace. “Thank you for forgiving me.” My heart fills with love for this man. “Always,” I tell him as he lets me go.
Mike walks to the door and turns around before leaving. “Kate, we’re going to do this, right? We will be friends again?” He sounds so unsure, and even though he’s the one who left, I don’t like seeing him question us. “We always have been friends; we just took a break, I guess,” I tell him, shrugging my shoulders.
“I want us to work hard on building it back up. I really have missed you, Mike. And now you’re going to be my brother.”
He chuckles, “There are so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to start, but make sure you say step-brother from now on. There is nothing Jerry Springer about our love story.”
He’s got a point there. “You’re right about that,” I reply, laughing. “So are you going to see her today? Your mom?”
“Yeah, I think it’s time. I’ve been a horrible son. I just hope she can forgive me.”
I squeeze his hand, “She already has, but if you need to talk, call or text me anytime. One more thing before you go. Tomorrow, when you go to work, can you try and figure out a way to be decent to Daniel?”
“Kate…I…” He runs his hands through his hair as he tries to find his words. It’s better to just cut him off.
“For me, please. And for the two of you. He loves you and you love him. This situation is just going to take some getting used to.”
“I’ll try, but only because you asked me to.”
“Thank you”
***
A little bit after Mike leaves, Jess and I get settled on the couch so we can fill each other in on what’s happened in the past day. I’m so grateful for her friendship; she’s the one person I know who will always be truthful with me.
“So fill me in, what happened yesterday? First, fill me in on Mike and then Daniel and I’ll do the same when you’re done.”
“God, Jess, it was awful. So awful. I guess I know how you felt when I fell apart at the funeral now. He was devastated. I never realized how much he wanted a baby, but most guys our age just don’t want that. They would consider not having a baby a dodged bullet. It was like Mike actually was mourning the loss of not only our little girl but our family.”
“Well, he probably was. I mean, let’s face it…you and Mike didn’t break up for a lack of love. I heard his story yesterday and I can’t help but empathize with him, maybe even be rooting for him. I mean, hell…he bought your engagement ring our junior maybe beginning of senior year of high school.”
She can’t be serious. “You’re joking, right? I figured he bought it a few days before proposing.” She shakes her head. “No, he started looking for it after the first time you had sex, but it took him a while to find one that was perfect. And it was perfect.”
“It took me so long to find a ring that is almost as beautiful as you.”
Oh God, that’s what he said that night. Every word he spoke is emblazoned on my brain. I just never put much thought into his statement, because what was the point?
“He wants me back.”
She snorts. “Well, that’s pretty obvious. When he heard you were at Marc’s the other night, he about blew a fuse. Then he and Daniel almost came to blows when Daniel said he wasn’t worried about you being with Marc.”
“He kissed me yesterday,” I whisper
“Mike kissed you? Last night in your room? Holy fuck, how was it? Did you kiss him back?”
“No, nothing happened last night; we just talked for a little while and slept. In the same bed but not together. The kiss happened at the cemetery. I did kiss him back it was instinctual and emotional and… it made my heart soar.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of what I thought, too.”
“Anything else happen?”
I shrug my shoulders. “No, not really. We talked and he asked if I still loved him. He told me he still loved me and always had. I told him we can only be friends and he took it well. We still have lots to talk about but it was a start.”
“You must be so confused. What happened with Daniel? Did he kiss you, too?”
“Um, yeah, and then some. He seduc
ed me with his body and his words, and fucking hell if it didn’t work. That was after I told him about Mike kissing me, too.”
“Are you crazy? You told him you kissed Mike?” she asks, completely shocked.
“Of course I did. We made a pact to be honest with each other and I’ll never lie to him, Jess, no matter how much it might hurt. We had a very similar talk to the one I had with Mike last night. I put them both in the friend zone. But Daniel is determined to make me want him. Which isn’t the hard part; the hard part is staying away from him so I don’t get myself in a seducible situation.
“How do you feel, Katie Grace? I know you’ve got them in the zone, but if you didn’t, which one would you want?”
This is the million dollar question, and I can’t answer it, but I can tell her how they make me feel. “Daniel gives me butterflies that take flight in my stomach and they spread out to the depths of my being when he kisses me. But Mike… he makes my heart soar and always has. It’s an amazing feeling.”
“Wow, that’s something.”
“You don’t even know the half of it. God, Jess, with Mike it was a slow burn pushing me to the heights of passion and it was amazing. But with Daniel, he takes me to the heights of passion and then pushes me above. Past limits I never thought possible. It’s an indescribable freefall, a high I could have never imagined. He’s my drug of choice. I don’t know how to let him go, but I know I have to.”
“So you would pick Daniel? I’m sort of surprised by that, actually.”
“I didn’t say that, but why would you be surprised?” I’m curious to hear her answer.
“So you’d pick Mike?” she asks eagerly. I swear it’s like she just needs some popcorn and she’d be a happy camper.
“I didn’t say that, either. I’m not even going to go there, Jess, there’s no point. I am not going to choose between them. I want to know why you’d be surprised, though.”
She flicks nonexistent lint off her pajama pants before she answers me. “Because it’s Mike, and you have so much history. There’s over a decade worth of love with you guys. You guys have a story fairytales are made from.”
I shake my head vehemently at her. “No, Jess, we don’t. Maybe once we did, but now there’s almost a half decade of hurt and pain between us. There’s a lot to be done to get past that. Maybe then, depending on how things turn out with Vanessa, but I just can’t fall back into him. I can’t let myself get lost again, not ever. I’ll tell you exactly what I told Connor: I’m going to just be free for a while. I don’t really know what that’s like, but I’m just going to have some fun for a change. Whatever happens is going to happen, but I’m not going to worry about it.”
She’s stares at me with wide eyes because what I just said was very un-Kate.
“Before I forget, I need to ask you something important.”
“Shoot.”
“Do you know anything about a message from Mike? He said he sent me a message at some point, but I would remember that.”
I know that look on her face. It’s her ‘I’m busted’ face. What the hell? “Jess, what do you know? What am I missing?”
“Kate, promise you won’t be mad at me. Please.” She sounds nervous.
“You know I can’t promise that but I’ll do my best.” She nods her head and pulls out her phone. She’s pulling up her email and her hand is trembling.
“In my defense…”
Oh, this is bad if she’s starting off ‘In my defense’
“I thought I was doing the right thing. It came the night you were in the hospital. The night you found out about Lila Hope. You were a wreck, Kate, and I thought it would make things worse. I did what I had to do at the time. I don’t think you could have handled much more. But I kept it, just in case this day ever came. I emailed it to myself—his voicemail message and my text reply. Please don’t hate me.” Her voice trails off in a whisper as she hands me the phone. I press play on the audio and listen.
“Katherine, it’s Michael. I’m calling because I need to say a few things to you. I might be drunk, too. I’m sorry I left you like that. I’m sorry I couldn’t control my temper and I treated you bad. I’m no good for you. Baby, I’ve done things these past few weeks I’m not proud of. Did you know I never wanted to go to school? That I was only going for you? No, you didn’t because I never told you. I’m sure Jessica told you about Riley but I swear that wasn’t true. I needed you both to let go. Don’t wait around for me being miserable. I want you to be happy. Someday I’ll come back because I need you, I’ll always need you. I won’t let things get lost in translation next time, I promise. I’ll come back and find you when it’s time. I need to truly forgive Joseph, my mom, maybe you, and definitely myself. I need to get my head in a different space. I want to be someone better than I am now, for you, for us. When the time comes, I’ll have to tell you the things I’ve done and hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. I can imagine by then I’ll have a lot to be forgiven for and I apologize in advance for that. Just know I love you. I’ve loved you since we were seven and I’ll love you until I die. Then when I come back, I’ll find you all over again. I miss you, Katherine. The ache that your presence has been replaced with is a pain that should be reserved for someone deep in the depths of hell. Being without you is my own personal hell. Please don’t call this number; I’ll change it if you do. It’s better this way. I don’t have the right to ask, but please trust me when I say I need to become me before we can become an ‘us’ again. Most importantly, I think you need to find you, too, Katherine Grace Moore. You’re going to be amazing, with or without me. I just hope when I come back you’ll want to be amazing with me. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the one to catch you this time, Katie Grace. Next time I’ll be a better man and I’ll never let you fall again.
Tears are streaming down my face and I listen to it again, and again, before finally reading the reply she sent to him.
She didn’t get your message, I did. I deleted it. She’s not well but she will be eventually. We just got home from the hospital. As if you care. You really should come see her, you’ll regret it if you don’t. But don’t come see her if you’re not going to stay…if you can’t be with her. I’ll be her family and I’ll help her with things if you can’t. But you should, Michael, you have no clue, but you should. I’m deleting your number because I don’t ever want to have to lie to her about knowing how to contact you. For the record, I knew you lied about Riley. You loved Katie too much to do that. I know you, Michael, better than you know yourself. Don’t text me back, I can’t chance it. Just come back to us.
My mind is officially blown and my heart is broken in a place I never thought it could ever be. It’s broken in the place that you share with your best friend, the place where each other’s secrets live in the vault and are shared with no one. The place where you know there’s one person in the world who will never lie to you, the place that grows larger because you have someone you can trust filling that place with love. I’m absolutely devastated. I could have never kept something like this from her. We could have found him, I could have told him about Lila. He would have come home and he didn’t, he missed it, because she didn’t say anything.
“Kate please say something,” she pleads
I’m so angry. She could have shown me this at any time over the last three years and she chose to keep it a secret. If I had known he was sorry, that he still cared, that he didn’t hate me, things could have been so different.
“Kate please.” She’s worried, I can hear it in her tone and I see the scared look in her eyes. Good, she fucked up. Big time.
I place my hand out in front of me as I get up. “Stop. I can’t… not now. I’ll say something I will regret. Maybe we can talk when I get back but I’ve got to go get ready and meet Marc.”
She’s crying but I don’t care. I just need to get out of here and away from her. I dress quickly, blasting Keri Hilson and singing along to Energy. I’ve always loved this song, even if it feels l
ike it hits a little too close to home today.
Thankfully, Jess is nowhere in sight when I get back downstairs. After I get in the car, I call Vanessa on my way to the deli and arrange for her to move in on Wednesday. We agree she should wait to talk to Daniel and Mike until this weekend. There’s really nothing productive that can happen right now and they still need time to calm down. It’s still hard for me to believe she could have been so diabolical with them, but everyone is entitled to change and despite whatever prompted her issues, she seems much better now.
While I wait for the picnic lunch I ordered at the deli, I go back to Daniel’s text from this morning and the first thing I do is change him to Daniel in my phone. Seeing ‘your boyfriend’ pop up each time will kill me. Then I text him back.
“Thanks I hope you have a good week. Vanessa is moving in on Wednesday she doesn’t need any help. You can see her on Saturday. We’ll work out the details later in the week.”
He replies immediately.
“Sounds good, I’m moving into Connor’s this weekend the project starts on Monday. I love you.”
In the midst of all the drama the past few days I completely forgot he was moving here. Great, this is going to be torture. I don’t want to be rude and not reply to him, but I have to make sure he knows I’m trying to keep my distance. So I end up sending him the lamest response ever.
“I know. Thanks for the heads up.”
Oh well, I can’t worry about it now. What I can do is go see Marc and let him lift my spirits.
***
This park is so beautiful. It’s so secluded and there’s never anyone here, which is probably why I love it so much. It’s completely surrounded by oak trees so you never have to worry about the sun. Marc is already here and spread out on a blanket under a tree in the back. He’s so sexy but he’ll never let himself get tied down. It’s a shame. When he notices me, he comes to meet me and takes the food from me. After setting it down, he picks me up and spins me around in a big, squeezy Marc hug. I love Marc hugs; I think he saves them all for me.
“How’s my baby girl today?” he asks, shooting me his signature smile. Thankfully, I’m immune to it now or I’d be putty in his hands.
