by D. Kelly
“Kate, we all know what you did tonight and I wanted to say I’m sorry for whatever small part I played in it. But, Kate, here’s the thing; you didn’t believe in us, you gave up. You let all those outside influences get in the way of our love. I can never un-see what I saw tonight. The way you were with him, how you opened your perfect little mouth and let him in to taste you. You let him touch you, love you, God, Kate, you let him claim you. And how could you not? Because as an outsider looking in that was one of the most erotic scenes I’ve ever seen play out in front of my eyes. That scene was starring you without me, Kate. You Without Me. If it would have been Mike, I could have at least understood, but it wasn’t me and it wasn’t Mike and I don’t. I don’t understand Kate, and maybe that makes me an asshole but I just can’t do this anymore. I have to love you enough to let you go now. No, that’s a lie Kate. I have to love myself enough to let you go. I wish you well, Katie Grace, always.
***
When I wake up in the morning, my head is killing me and then I realize it isn’t morning but about two in the afternoon.
Fuck.
My body is protesting my movements but I have to get up; I need to call Ben. I’m not surprised I have no messages on my phone. I’m sure Kate is probably passed out in her post coital bliss today.
Fucking Bitch.
That’s my hangover talking and I think I need to pacify it with more alcohol. This weekend is going to be spent in one big alcohol induced pity party. Damn, I gotta take a piss before I can call Ben. Why is it when you piss after drinking it takes forever to get it all out? Shit, I think that might have been the longest piss I’ve ever taken.
Hell, I don’t remember bringing the whiskey up, but that’s exactly what I’m having for lunch. After taking a shot to calm my nerves, I call Ben.
“Hey, Daniel, what’s up?” I can’t tell him what I really want; I’ve got to bullshit him.
“Hey, Ben, are you working tonight?”
“Actually, no, and Callie and the kids went to her parents’ for the weekend. What’s up?”
I don’t like lying to my friends but this one is a necessity. “We’re at Connor’s and we’re going to just have a guys’ night tonight. Food, poker, drinking, and maybe a few tattoos. Are you down?”
“Hell yeah. Let me grab my travel kit and I’ll be there around five or so.”
“Cool, man, see you then.”
I’m going to get this tattoo covered up once and for all, completely. Kate was the only person I could have ever imagined filling that spot. If she wasn’t who I thought she was, no one will ever be good enough. My stomach is growling. I need some grease if I’m going to keep drinking like this all day.
When I get downstairs, Mike is sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.
“Ben’s coming up tonight, want a new tat?” He looks at me suspiciously.
“Actually, yeah I have one I want to get to honor Lila Hope. But what do you need?”
Just then, Connor walks in looking as tired as I feel.
“Jess keep you up all night?” I ask him.
“Kate did.”
“Wow, she’s really making the rounds this weekend, isn’t she? How’d Jess feel about that?”
Okay, I know I’m being an ass and that probably went way too far, but I’m in a shitty mood and I don’t care. Instead, I pour myself another shot and forgo the grease for breakfast in lieu of whiskey.
“Look, Daniel, you can be pissed all you want about what happened last night. That’s between you and Kate. Well, and Mike and Kate, too, but don’t ever fucking talk about my sister like that again to me or we’re going to have a major god damned problem. Do you fucking understand me?”
Connor is up in my face and I swear the dude is about to punch me. Mike’s just leaning back in his chair enjoying the show. Bastard is enjoying this.
“Sorry, you know I didn’t mean it,” I say begrudgingly.
Connor takes a seat and Mike asks me again, “What are you having Ben come out to do on you, Daniel?”
“It’s pretty obvious that I need a fucking cover up at this point, isn’t it?”
“Daniel, don’t,” they both say at the same time.
“Why not? She obviously doesn’t love me the way I love her. Hell, she’s dating two out of the three of us and fucking another guy on the side.”
Jake picks now to walk in, but at least he’s got some food. He pours a bag of burgers onto the table and I immediately grab one.
“I heard you fuckers all had a hell of a night last night. So when are we going to beat Marc’s ass? I’ve got some bats in the car. That fucker is huge; we might need to take him out at the kneecaps first before we can actually beat him down.”
Leave it to Jake; he’s got me laughing uncontrollably. He’s the biggest one of all of us and yet he’s still smaller than Marc.
“Nobody is beating anyone,” Connor tells him firmly. “Marc isn’t a bad guy; he’s just what Kate needed last night.”
“She said that?” Mike wants to know and I do, too.
“Sort of. Seriously, you guys you need to talk to her. This isn’t something I want or need to be in the middle of.”
“Ben’s coming over, Jake, do you want a new tat?”
“You called Ben? Daniel what the hell are you going to do?”
“A cover up,” Connor and Mike reply in unison.
“That’s a mistake, a huge one. You need to talk to her before you do that and find out where her head is.”
“Oh come on, Jake, really? You’re on Mike’s side in this whole thing so why should it matter if I get her name covered?”
“Because,” he says getting in my space, “you never gave her the chance to choose. Last night fucking sucks but shit, Daniel, she seriously thought you were fucking someone else right in front of her. Give her a minute to come and apologize…or not…maybe she doesn’t regret it, but don’t take this as an opportunity to make another mistake.”
They’re all nodding in agreement, even Mike.
“You mean like the mistake I made getting it in the first place? Because right now I agree with you, Jake; it was a huge mistake.”
Excusing myself from the table, I grab my whiskey and head out to the garden where I can nurse my wounds in private. A little while later, a hand lands on my shoulder. “Mind if I join you for a bit?” April, I don’t know how she knew I needed her but I’m so glad she’s here.
“Not at all, come sit with me.” When I throw my arm over her shoulder and pull her close, my heart feels a little bit better. We sit in silence for a long time. Sometimes April is less of a speaker and more of a quiet comfort and today seems like one of those days.
“Daniel, I know you don’t need anyone telling you what to do and you probably feel like the world is against you right now.”
“All very true things, my wise friend.”
She looks up at me sadly. “If you really think that then listen to what I’m about to tell you because it’s important. Once upon a time, I almost self-destructed and destroyed the only good thing in my life because I listened to everyone around me instead of going to the source of things. There was only one person who could make it better and that was you.”
God, I’ll never forget that night; she was so down on herself. The other girls were so mean to her just because a beautiful plus size girl managed to steal the captain of the football team’s heart.
“Let me help you this time, Daniel. Sober up, leave your tattoo alone, and talk to Kate. The outcome might not be any different, but you’ll both feel better once you talk. And this right here,” she says, pointing to the bottle of JD, “this isn’t making anything better but it sure is making everything worse, including your attitude. JD makes you a mean or an emotional drunk, sometimes both, it always has, McCormick. Don’t let your sadness wreck your reality. I get you need the weekend to be sad, that’s fine, but call her tomorrow and make time to talk. Until then, keep that tat the way that it is. I haven’t seen it but I know
you’ve been waiting a long time to get it. And I know you, Daniel; you wouldn’t have done it if it didn’t deserve to be where it is.”
She gives me a kiss on my stubbly cheek and says one last thing before she walks away. “Jake might be on Mike’s side in this, but you’ve got me, Daniel. Always.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
KATE
Shaking. Why am I shaking? “Nooo earthquake stop, please come back on a day when I’m not hung-over,” I groan and hear Jess snickering.
“It’s not an earthquake, Kate, but you have to get up.”
“Ugh, just go away, Jess. I don’t want to hear it right now. Please, I know I messed up last night and I have things to fix but if you don’t stop shaking me I’m going to throw up.”
Thank God the shaking stops.
“Kate, I’m not here to lecture you, honest. I don’t even know if I want to for anything other than you ditching us. You and Marc had that a long time coming. I just hope it was good sex.”
“Amazing sex, Jess, absolutely amazing. Even so, my heart still belongs with someone else.”
“Well, if that someone else lives at Connor’s house, you need to get in the shower and we need to get over there now before something else bad happens.”
She’s not being dramatic; she’s being serious, so I sit up so I can try to pay attention. “Here, I brought you some water and some ibuprofen. You’re welcome.”
I take them from her gratefully and pray the pounding in my head will lessen soon.
“You said your heart belongs to someone else, do you finally know who?”
“Yeah I do, I think I’ve always known and just didn’t want to admit it because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. That worked out well, didn’t it? I mean, we all got hurt last night. Mike will never forgive me for sleeping with Marc. Never. I’m sure Daniel won’t, either.”
“Actually, from what I hear, Mike is shockingly okay with everything,” she tells me sincerely and my heart leaps in my chest. There’s hope.
“And Daniel?”
“Daniel is the reason we need to get to Connor’s, and the sooner the better. Come on, Kate, this is important and after last night, you owe it to him. You made a huge mistake last night by jumping to conclusions…don’t let him make one tonight.”
“Tonight? What time is it?”
“It’s almost five o’clock, Kate. You’ve been sleeping all day. I know Connor filled you in on everything this morning before you went to bed, but you should probably get all the messages on your phone out of the way before we leave. You’ve got an hour, Kate. Be ready.”
My stomach is queasy; I decide to shower before checking the messages. I need to be more alert and less likely to climb back into bed from severe depression.
I feel so much better after my shower and once I’m dressed I sit down with my phone. The first few messages are a rotation of voicemails from Connor, Mike, Jess, Daniel, and Chad. Oh God, poor Vanessa. I’m a horrible friend. She was in pain and I thought she was fucking Daniel. It looked and sounded so real. The next message is Marc and it brings me to tears. Absolute, hysterical crying kind of tears.
Kate, I told you I was going to the restroom but really I needed to step into my office for a minute to leave you this message. Tonight has been the best birthday I have ever had and it’s about to get a lot better. I need to tell you this before I chicken out, even though on some level I’m sure you already know. I love you, Kate…I’m so in love with you and have been since we were kids. I’m going to do my absolute best to not fall in love with you even more after tonight, but I know it’s going to be hard. All my talk of distancing my feelings from the sex was just that…talk. With you, I don’t think I’ll be able to, and it’s okay because I’m sure it’s going to be the most mind blowing sex either of us has ever had and will ever have again. Tomorrow, I’m leaving on a two week vacation, and this was planned before I ever knew what was going to happen tonight, so don’t freak out. When I get back, we’ll talk and maybe by then you’ll have made your choice. You know, I can tell who you love, Kate, I have always been able to tell who owns your heart. Baby girl, you need to tell him and let him heal everything that has been broken between you guys. I might not like that you never chose me, but all I want is your happiness. Grab it, Kate, and hold on to it tight, I’m going to try and do the same someday. You make me want to settle, Kate, and if it can’t be with you maybe it can be with someone almost as good. I will forever be your soul keeper but now it’s time for me to let you cougarize all over my ass. Love you, Kate, now, always and forever. Now, go get your man.
After that message, the tears just keep coming. Why can’t I just love Marc the way he loves me? Why do I have to be in love with someone that is going to cause pain to another?
Is it too late to become a sister wife? At least they don’t have to break their own heart.
The next message is from Mike and I decide right now that this is a completely make-up free day. His message is short and simple but it’s everything I needed to hear from him.
Kate, I knew when I saw you leaving with Marc tonight that you guys were going to finally have sex. The two of you have been a long time coming in that aspect and I don’t think a freight train could have stopped it. I know that girls need to explore their sexuality. I know that now more than I ever did when we were together. I hope tonight was special for you and that it was everything you wanted it to be. You know the past few years have changed me, and as much as I thought I would want to murder Marc for this, I know for you… it’s just sex. Weird, huh? I never thought you would just have sex for the sake of having sex. I know you love Marc but you’re not in love with him. I’m pretty sure I know you well enough to know who you’re in love with. I honestly think the only person who doesn’t know who you’re in love with yet is you. When you figure it out, I can’t wait to talk to you about it. The future is bright, Kate, and I’m so glad I get to love you for life. When you’re ready to talk, I’m waiting for you with open arms.
Then I get Daniel’s last message and it kills me. Last night, I crossed the uncrossable line with him and even if he doesn’t love me anymore, I have to make him understand. I can handle him not loving me, but I will never be okay with losing him from my life completely.
“Jess!” I scream and she comes running.
“Kate, oh my God, Kate, what’s wrong?” she asks when she sees the tears running down my face and how I’m frantically searching for socks and shoes.
“Where do I start? Marc is head over heels in love with me, so he’s taking a breather. Daniel hates me and wants nothing to do with me and Mike…well, Mike is perfect but he always has been, hasn’t he?” I ask her with a smile.
“He really has,” she replies quietly.
“Let’s go, Jess, I’m ready to fix my life. I’m sorry for the hell I’ve put you through, lately. I love you and I forgive you completely, I just hope you can forgive me.”
She hugs onto me for dear life. “Oh, Kate, you’re the only person in my life I can’t live without. Of course I forgive you, just stop scaring me, okay?”
“Deal.”
“Hey, Kate?”
“Yeah, Jess?”
She pauses, trying to decide to say something or not. “Tonight is going to suck but you need to be strong, okay? You’re going to finally find out what Daniel’s surprise was the night of the wedding and it’s going to freak you the fuck out. But he’s in a bad spot, too, right now. Just remember that, okay?”
I nod my head affirmatively. “Damn, Jess, I’m such a bitch. I forgot all about that surprise until you just mentioned it.”
“Well, you know, it’s not like you have an ongoing soap opera in your house or anything. I mean, killers breaking up true loves, true loves becoming siblings, being in the middle of a love triangle you knew nothing about, pregnant ex’s showing up out of the blue, all par for the course, right?”
We’re both cracking up; I guess my life has become quite exciting lately.
&nbs
p; On the way to Connor’s we sing Taylor Swift’s Blank Space and try to keep the mood light but I’m so freaking nervous. I feel like I’m wearing a scarlet letter and I feel even worse when we get there. All we hear is yelling coming from the back of the house so we enter through the gate instead of the front door. When we do, they all stop and stare at me.
Mike is sitting at the table drawing and motions me forward. Connor and Ben pull Daniel inside of the house and April just gives a small wave. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I sit down next to Mike and notice two things. One, he’s finally wearing short sleeves and I can see his tats and two, he’s drawing a memorial tattoo for Lila Hope.
“That’s beautiful, Mike,” and it really is. It’s a drawing of a fully bloomed gardenia sprinkled with silver. The stem is silver and splits off at the bottom into two parts. Each part forms half a heart and her name is in cursive across the front of the heart. It’s breathtaking and all I’ve ever wanted in a memorial tattoo for her.
“You really like it?” He’s like a shy little kid seeking my approval.
I give him a soft kiss and whisper, “I love it.”
“Will you get it with me, Kate? I know you said you wanted a certain tattoo. I figured this is the one you were waiting to get.” I never thought about getting matching tattoos with Mike before but it makes perfect sense.
“There is nothing in this world that would make me happier, Mike, nothing.”
Then I pull his arm out and really look at his tattoos. Each and every one of them has something to do with our past—the moon and stars, the sunken treasure, the catcher’s mitt. He takes his shirt off so I can see it all laid out in front of me like a canvas. The script on his chest is his own personal reminder, that even though he was alone, he wasn’t lost—just not ready to come back yet. The car with the tombstone as the hood speaks volumes about his life and his thoughts about Grant’s death. Lila Hope’s tattoo will fit right in next to the catcher’s mitt on his forearm, and even though I’ve never considered a tattoo there before, I want mine in the same spot as his.
