Katie, who had woken up just as they came off the slip road, clambered out of her seat, having unfastened her seat belt. ‘Is this heaven?’ she asked, peering around with interest.
‘A part of it,’ Briony said, opening the boot to take out the roses.
‘And where’s Holy God then?’ Her daughter gazed at her in anticipation.
‘See these lovely roses?’
‘Yes.’
‘See that lovely pile of leaves?’
‘Yep!’
‘See that bird singing in the tree and hear the sound the breeze makes when it rustles the leaves?’
Briony nodded.
‘And see you and see me? That’s Holy God.’
‘Oohhh! And is Holy God my dollies too?’
‘Holy God is everything.’ Briony smiled down at Katie and took her hand. Her heart gave a little lurch. She was finally in Rockland’s once more, the place of such pain and grief for her mother. And now she was going to have her first contact of sorts with her dad, again. She had promised Valerie she would take a photo of the headstone for her. Half-way up the gravel path and to the right, she remembered her mother’s directions, pushing open the wrought-iron gate. Most of the graves were neat and well tended, she noticed, as Katie skipped along beside her. Pots of colourful bedding and vases of flowers dressed the individual plots. A few looked bedraggled and uncared for, but mostly it was a very well-tended cemetery. The trees that circled the graveyard in protective embrace silently dropped their leaves in a gold and russet circle.
Birds sang a sweet lullaby and Briony felt a sense of peace envelop her. This was a tranquil place and she had a vague memory of coming with Valerie when she was a little girl and then getting into a car that was packed with boxes and bulging black sacks. It must have been when they were leaving to come to Dublin. She had been here before, definitely. Briony quickened her pace. Ahead of her she could see an elderly couple working on a neatly kept grave, adorned with bright pots of bedding plants. They were weeding the edges, their heads bent close together. Who had they lost? Parents? Grandparents? They were quite elderly themselves. The man’s hair was snow white; the woman’s an elegant ash grey.
‘Guess what, Katie?’ Briony said to her daughter. ‘You are going to see your granddad’s grave for the very first time. A grave is a place where we remember someone who has gone to live up in heaven. And we’re going to take a photo and send it to Valerie.’
‘Cool,’ said her daughter. ‘This is just fun, Mom. Thank you for bringing me. Are we going to have a picnic?’
‘Yes, we will later on. We might have a picnic on the beach, how about that?’
‘This is the best day of my life,’ Katie assured her, thrilled at such a multitude of treats. Briony couldn’t help but laugh. Her daughter said that often and it pleased her. A happy childhood was a great blessing. Valerie had given her a loving, secure childhood despite the fact she had no father to share it.
She was glad she wasn’t on her own. Katie was such a little ray of sunshine. She would take away any sadness there might be on this very special occasion.
Someone else is coming to visit a grave, Tessa thinks, hearing the click-clack of high heels and a childish voice speaking to an adult.
She plants the last purple pansy in the hole she’s made for it and covers it with moist loamy soil. ‘Now that looks lovely, they’ll last until Christmas,’ she remarks, satisfied, to Lorcan, who is clearing away a few weeds at the edge of the base. She sees some weeds on her side of the edging stone and pulls them out. She feels very close to her husband today as they kneel side by side, tending their son’s grave, labouring contentedly together.
The voices get nearer and Tessa looks up and sees a young woman and a little girl walking in their direction, peering at headstones as though looking for a specific grave but not sure where it is.
The little girl reminds her of someone. Tessa’s breath catches as they come closer and she stands up unsteadily, holding on to the headstone for support.
‘Oh my Lord!’ she breathes. ‘Lorcan, look! Look! Am I dreaming?’
Her husband raises his head as they draw abreast of them and the young woman smiles uncertainly. Tessa’s hand goes to her mouth; the resemblance is uncanny, the big melting brown eyes, the determined chin, the curly hair tumbling over her shoulders.
‘I’m looking for a grave . . .’ The young woman stops and studies the headstone, her eyes flickering from it to them. Comprehension dawns.
‘Gramma! Is it you?’ she asks hesitantly. And Tessa is weeping, unable to speak as she stares from one to the other and sees her son’s unmistakable likeness in both of them.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
‘Why are you crying?’ Katie asked, studying Tessa intently. ‘Are you very, very sad?’
‘Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness,’ Tessa said, rooting for a tissue, trying to compose herself.
‘Is it yourself, Briony?’ Lorcan said, getting slowly to his feet.
‘Yes, it’s me. This is my daughter, Katie.’ She felt a lump in her throat as she saw her grandmother trying hard to compose herself. Briony couldn’t begin to imagine how she was feeling, meeting granddaughter and great-granddaughter so unexpectedly after all these years.
‘What’s your name?’ Katie asked, gazing up at Lorcan, not showing a hint of shyness.
‘My name is Lorcan. I’m your granddad’s daddy.’ His eyes crinkled as he smiled down at her, enjoying her childish curiosity and direct manner.
‘Oh, heavens!’ Tessa exclaimed, laughing and crying at the same time. ‘I can’t believe I’m a great-grandmother. That makes me feel a bit of a crone! None of my other grandchildren have children yet. They’re a bit younger than you. Briony . . .’ she hesitated, ‘. . . could I give you a hug?’
‘Of course, Gramma,’ Briony said as Tessa held out her arms to her and she was enveloped in a warm hug that instantly brought back memories of the many they had shared all those years ago.
‘Oh, Briony! Briony! Briony!’ Tessa stroked her back, holding her tight. ‘I’ve dreamed of this moment. I’ve longed for it.’ The moment was bittersweet. Tessa couldn’t help but grieve for all the hugs that had been lost to her, all the loving experiences that could have been hers. But Briony, Jeff’s beloved child, was back now in her arms where she belonged, and that brought joy.
‘Can I have a hug?’ Katie asked, determined not to be left out. She liked these new people.
‘Of course you can, you little pet. Aren’t you gorgeous? She’s the image of you, Briony, when you were her age,’ Tessa said, gathering Katie into her arms. She couldn’t believe that she had a great-granddaughter. Life was giving her a second chance, a chance to be happy again.
‘Yes, Mom often says that,’ Briony laughed, and saw the shadow that flickered across her grandmother’s face.
‘And where’s my hug?’ Lorcan asked, breaking the moment of awkwardness.
‘You used to say I was “the best little girl in the whole wide world”, didn’t you?’ Briony remembered, a grin splitting her face from ear to ear as she was enveloped in her grandfather’s embrace.
‘Indeed I did. And so you were,’ he said, hugging her tightly.
‘So this is Dad’s grave.’ She traced her hand along the headstone a few moments later.
‘Yes, we keep it as best we can,’ Tessa said sadly. ‘There are always fresh flowers on it.’
‘It’s lovely. I want to take a photo for Mom.’
‘Could she not come and see it for herself? Could she not have brought you, years ago, and brought you to see us?’ Tessa blurted.
‘Tessa!’ Lorcan reproached gently.
‘Mom had her reasons,’ Briony said uncomfortably.
‘There’s no good reason to keep a grandchild away from their grandparents, especially after what we went through,’ Tessa said crossly. ‘Did she ever give you the letters I gave to Carmel?’
‘I’ve read one letter, I didn’t know there was another,’ Briony sai
d diplomatically. She could see why Valerie might not have got on with her grandmother. Tessa was forthright, to say the least. ‘And now I’m here, and how amazing that I should come on a day when you’re both here. Lizzie, my godmother, told me that you had moved to Dublin. Whereabouts?’
‘Clontarf,’ Lorcan said easily.
‘No! We . . . me, my husband, Finn, and Katie live off Griffith Avenue, near what used to be Whitehall Garda Station. That’s only a stone’s throw away,’ she exclaimed.
‘Well, would you believe that? We were so near to you and we didn’t know it.’ Tessa couldn’t keep the edge out of her voice. She was a bit of a briar, Briony thought in dismay.
‘Mom, do you think your daddy would like if I sang him the new song I learned in playschool?’ Katie tugged at her sleeve.
Briony could have kissed her for unknowingly defusing the tension.
‘Now that’s a great idea, isn’t it, Tessa?’ Lorcan declared, flashing a stern glance at his wife.
‘What are you going to sing, pet?’ Tessa bent down to her.
‘I’m gonna sing “Incey Wincey Spider”.’ Katie preened, loving the limelight.
‘Wonderful!’ clapped Tessa, beaming.
Lorcan gave Briony the tiniest wink, and she felt as though she’d known him all her life.
Katie stepped confidently onto her grandfather’s grave and raised her face to the heavens.
‘Incy Wincy spi-DER climbed up the water . . . SPOUT!
Along came the rain and washed poor Incy . . . OUT!’
She sang lustily, performing the little nursery rhyme with the hand gestures she had learned at her playschool.
‘A round of applause for Miss Katie . . .?’ Lorcan looked questioningly at Briony, when she had finished her spirited rendition.
‘McAllister,’ she supplied, amused at her daughter’s precociousness but proud of her at the same time.
‘A round of applause for Miss Katie McAllister!’ Lorcan led the clapping and Katie beamed from ear to ear.
‘Jeff would love this,’ Tessa said approvingly, thinking how wonderful that the little girl had such confidence, and belief that her grandfather could see her performing for him.
‘Have you been up to the village?’ she asked as Katie wandered off to dance in a drift of crisp vibrant leaves that nestled under an ancient sycamore tree.
‘No, I came to the grave first. I was going to drive past the house we used to live in. I know it’s near here. Mom gave me directions. And then I’d planned to drive up to The Headland on the off chance that Lisa would be in and introduce myself to her.’
‘We were going to have a bite of lunch with her. Could you come with us?’ Tessa asked eagerly, clasping her hand.
‘I’d love to,’ Briony agreed. ‘Although I have promised Katie I’d have a picnic on the beach with her. But a picnic to her can be a biscuit and lemonade.’
‘You can go down on the beach under our house after lunch, and she can have her little picnic. We could even have a flask. I love tea out of a flask,’ Tessa said, gathering up her gardening tools.
‘So do I! I remember having picnics on that beach. There were wooden steps down, weren’t there?’ Briony helped her pack up her cleaning accoutrements.
‘There were. What else do you remember, my love?’ Tessa asked, delighted.
‘Playing with your jewellery. Picnics on the beach. Granddad showing me how to gather periwinkles—’
‘You were good at that too. Fearless. Clambering over the rocks,’ Lorcan interjected.
‘And you loved wearing my high heels. You used to call them “hee hiles”,’ Tessa chuckled.
Briony laughed. ‘I remember wearing them. Katie wears mine now.’
‘I have so many photographs. Maybe you would like to see them? They’ll bring back memories and help us to get to know each other again,’ Tessa ventured.
‘That would be great. I’d enjoy that very much and it would be lovely showing Katie more pictures of me when I was young. It’s one of her favourite things to do with Mom.’
‘And how is Valerie?’ Lorcan asked kindly. Her mother had always said Jeff’s father was a kind man, and she could see why.
‘She’s well. She’s in Spain for another few weeks. She bought a holiday villa out there.’
‘Give her our regards,’ Lorcan said, ignoring the look of annoyance his wife gave him. ‘Don’t forget to take your photograph. Why don’t we leave you to spend a few minutes on your own here? We’ll wait for you at the car and we’ll show you where your old house is and then we’ll carry on to the hotel to meet Lisa for lunch.’
‘Thank you, Granddad.’
‘You used to call me “Gandad”. I loved the way you said it,’ Lorcan reminded her, stepping past her. ‘Take as long as you need here.’
‘I will,’ she said gratefully, touched at his thoughtfulness. A few moments on her own with Jeff would be special.
When they were gone and she was alone, Briony stood with her eyes closed, visualizing her favourite photo of her father. ‘Dad,’ she murmured, ‘help me to deal with this situation well. Help me to be loyal to Mom and not upset her, and help me to get to know Gramma and Granddad again. And help Gramma not to be bitter.’ Briony had seen the sparks of antagonism any mention of Valerie brought. It was upsetting, if understandable. She decided, standing at her father’s grave, that she would not let either woman slag off the other to her. She would not be part of their feud. It was not of her making and it was up to them to deal with their own stuff. That was why she had not mentioned how she had come across Tessa’s letter. She would not give her grandmother any more ammunition to fire at Valerie. It would be difficult, but she would try to keep the middle road.
She placed her roses in a vase and filled it with water she’d brought in an old milk carton. ‘For you, Dad, from Mom and me and Katie.’ She took her BlackBerry out of her bag and lined up the photo for Valerie. She took a few from different angles so that her mother could get a good sense of the grave and surrounds. Katie raced over to her, ready to pose the minute she saw her mother pointing the camera.
‘Where is those nice people gone?’ she asked, disappointed that they had not said goodbye and made a fuss of her.
‘Would you like to go to lunch in a hotel with them and we can have our picnic later?’
‘Yes, please. I is hungry. Can we have lemonade?’ Katie did a little jig, unable to stand still for a minute.
‘We’ll see. Now don’t ask for anything. Remember your manners, won’t you?’
‘Yessssss, Mommy!’ her daughter said exasperatedly. ‘You say that every time.’
‘Sorry,’ Briony apologized, taking her hand. ‘I forgot you have lovely manners and you don’t need reminding. Say goodbye to Granddad Egan.’
‘’Bye, Granddad Egan. The next time I will sing you “Christopher Robin”, ‘cos Valwee sings it to me an’ I know all the words now,’ she bellowed skywards. ‘Do you think he heard me?’ She cocked an eye at her mother.
‘Absolutely. How could you not be heard?’ Briony grinned. ‘I bet he’ll be looking forward to it.’ She opened her bag and found a blue envelope with ‘ Daddy ’ written in faded childish script. She opened the unsealed envelope and read the letter she had written to Jeff, at her teacher’s behest, for Father’s Day all those years ago.
Dear Daddy,
Happy Father’s Day. I hope you are very well in heaven with Holy God. I wish you would come back to us and not be dead. I am the only girl in my class who does not have a daddy. I would like you to come back so Mom can be more happy. I wish you would come back and push me on my wing like when I was small. Me and Mom will light a candle for you. Tell God I said hello.
With all my love from Briony Harris
She slid the letter back in the envelope, leaned down and placed it against the headstone. ‘Here you go, Dad. I still wish you were here, but I hope you’re happy, wherever you are,’ she said softly before taking her daughter’s hand and leading he
r down the gravel path to where her great-grandparents were waiting.
Lorcan watched them step away from the grave and head in their direction. ‘Just one word of advice, Tessa, while we’re on our own.’
‘What’s that?’ She bristled, having a good idea of what was coming.
‘If you want to mend fences and have a relationship with Briony and Katie, don’t get on your high horse now, for goodness’ sake,’ he chided. ‘Just don’t forget that Valerie is Briony’s mother and don’t criticize her to her.’
‘Well, God above, Lorcan, to think that Briony was only a couple of miles away from us and we didn’t know it, and all because that spiteful little madam took off and never let us see her again. It’s hard.’ She couldn’t hide her vexation. ‘We’ve missed out on so much.’
‘Nevertheless, if you want to keep them in our lives, forget the past and start again with them. Remember, blood is thicker than water. Now let’s show our grandchild her history, and enjoy this very unexpected gift we’ve been given.’ His eyes were blue and unwavering, his voice strong and authoritative. She hadn’t seen this old Lorcan that she’d fallen in love with for such a long time.
Tessa took a deep breath. It would be difficult. She would have to curb her life-long tendency to score points and have her say no matter what. She knew her husband was right. She didn’t want to alienate Briony and lose her again. A miracle had happened today. A miracle she had prayed for, for a long, long time. Katie was like a miniature Briony, she thought with pleasure, watching her skip like a little sprite beside her mother.
Tessa tucked her hand in the crook of her husband’s arm. ‘I’ll do what you say, Lorcan. I’ll try my best,’ she sighed. It wouldn’t be easy but it had to be done.
‘That’s my girl,’ her husband said, squeezing her hand. ‘You won’t be sorry, and Jeff would be delighted.’
There was something else she needed to do, Tessa knew. One last bit of unfinished business before her son could truly rest in peace. She would deal with it sooner rather than later. It was something that had caused niggles of guilt every so often, but for now it was time to get to know her granddaughter and great-granddaughter.
With All My Love Page 39
