For some reason, it was kind of comforting knowing he lived close by. I’m not sure why. Maybe because he seemed sort of nice, and maybe I was still hoping we could be friends.
“Just let me off here,” I said, a few houses down from mine. I didn’t want Mom to look out the window and see us. She’d probably make a big scene. Seriously, when she wasn’t ignoring me, she was attacking me. Only, weirdly, I knew she thought she was doing it for my own good. To protect me. From getting into trouble and having a kid too young—like what happened to her. “Thanks for the ride.”
“Sure.” He smiled, taking this way too lightly. It seemed he was still suspicious I was an actress just having fun. “Jodi, right?”
I gritted my teeth. “You still don’t believe me?”
He tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel. “It’s pretty hard to swallow.”
“Why would I lie about something like this?”
Tap, tap, tap. “I don’t know. Some girls are weird.”
“Yeah, well, I wish I was lying. I’d rather be weird than crazy.”
Sawyer steepled his fingers together, bringing them to his lips. He studied me like he was weighing the possibility. “All right,” he said after a moment, “so you’re Jodi. But the girl I was with all day—that was Kenzie?”
“Apparently.”
Sawyer grinned. “This is kind of cool.”
“Yeah.” I rolled my eyes. “Cool.”
“Oh, no. I’m sorry. I mean, I know this must suck for you. But it’s kind of intriguing, you know?”
“I guess,” I said. After all, it wasn’t his problem. He just met me—Freak Girl. What did he care? Suddenly, I wasn’t interested in him anymore. He could live on the other side of the planet, I didn’t care. Actually, the further, the better. I sighed. “Look, I need to go. I’m going to be in a lot of trouble.”
“Yeah, okay, but wait a minute. Don’t forget your applications.” He reached into the backseat to get them for me.
Kind of a sweet gesture, sorta. Only, at the moment it seemed more likely I’d be checking into a loony-bin than getting a job.
“Thanks,” I said, taking the stack of applications. I started to get out of his car, but stopped and turned back to him, that “fun, wild” description still running through my head. “Hey, I didn’t do anything illegal today, did I?”
For a moment Sawyer grinned, like he was going to try tricking me again. But then he gave a little laugh, giving me a break. “Nah. You spent the day with me,” he said. “We went hiking up in the mountains—Dover’s Ridge. Then we went to my house. I thought I was going to get lucky there for a minute, but then you turned into Jodi.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek, not sure about this guy. I didn’t really feel I could trust my perceptions though. Not right now. Not tonight. Everything was twisted and crazy. But the thing was, I needed a friend. I did. And at the moment, he was the closest contact I had to “normal” interaction.
“I guess you like Kenzie better than me, huh?”
He grinned, looking amused. “I don’t know. I barely met you.” His eyes smiled. “Maybe we should go out sometime—while you’re Jodi. I’d be able to give you a more informed answer.”
He was still so light about it. Still semi-teasing. Like he was pretty sure I was playing a game. I gritted my teeth. “Look, I’m usually Jodi,” I explained again, not sure why. “I didn’t even know about Kenzie.”
“Man, this is—it could be like dating twins.” Sawyer ran his hands through his hair. “We are going to go out again, right?”
I bit my lip. I should just say “yes” to this. I knew I should. I mean, what was the big deal? I needed an ally here in Port Haven—someone—anyone. And he seemed kind of cool. Well, for the most part.
But the thing was, with my dad’s death still eating at me to the point where I was experiencing a split personality, it just didn’t seem like a good idea—starting something semi-romantic. Only … face it, it would never seem like a good idea. Not to me. Not ever. I had intimacy issues. Big time. I’d been hurt. My heart had been stomped on. Crushed. Now I was all broken and wounded and if a guy even seemed slightly interested in me I took off running the other direction, fast. If you don’t get involved, you can’t get hurt. That seemed to be true. It did. But it was also lonely.
Still, it was true.
But Sawyer seemed more like he wanted to date me on a whim, like only for fun. I mean, he didn’t even fully believe me about the Kenzie thing. Not that I would believe me either. So, I got it—that he pretty much thought I was playing with him, and that he wasn’t too concerned about it ’cause he was just messing around too. It seemed I didn’t have to worry about either of us getting too involved. Or getting hurt. But I’d been going to an all-girl school for the past three years; I wasn’t really up on guys. Or their expectations. Or anything.
Sawyer smirked at my hesitation. “Give me your phone number and I’ll call you tomorrow.”
That took the pressure off, not having to answer right now or use my brain, because at the moment it was fried. Tomorrow I’d have the energy to explain to him that I just wanted to be friends. That was all I could handle right now. But I was relieved he was interested. I needed a friend. Desperately.
I nodded, trying not to get too excited about it, but I was glad he wanted to call. It was weird being so pathetic. But it seemed that’s how things were now. I was pathetic … and alone.
He had me write my phone number on a piece of paper. I didn’t have a working cell phone at the moment so I wrote down my mom’s home number. When I handed it back to him, he glanced at it absently, but then he did a double-take. He studied my phone number, furrowing his brow.
I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach as I watched his puzzled expression change to a grin. “What?” I asked.
He flashed me a mischievous look. “This isn’t your house, huh? It’s the gray one down the street.”
“Yeah.” I bit my lip, wondering how he knew that, why it had him smiling. “Why?”
“Nothing,” he said, still grinning. “I’ll call you tomorrow … Jodi.”
My heart jolted. The way he said my name—it was weird. Like a caress almost. Very, very weird. Something had happened when he saw my phone number. He’d changed. Got charged. Or excited. Something. Now he seemed to believe me. The way he said my name just now—it was like he was convinced somehow—I’m Jodi.
Very strange.
I peered at him curiously, then said slowly, “Okay.”
I got out of his car, totally baffled. What was up? My stomach knotted as I watched him drive away. What made him change like that—get so mysterious?
CHAPTER 2
It turned out I didn’t need to worry about Mom’s wrath after all. She wasn’t even home yet. Shock. (Not.)
The only witness to my late arrival was Norton, my stepbrother’s German Shepherd, and he’s pretty cool about things. He just basically wags his tail a lot and tries to get attention. I gave him some now, hugging him tight. Probably too tight, as I needed a hug, but he licked my face with wise, thorough care. Licked and licked until he heard barking outside and squirmed away, padding off to gaze out the living room window.
Then I was left alone. Feeling alone.
I slunk down at the kitchen table with a deck of cards. Solitaire, that was basically my life these days—a solitary person in solitary confinement. I concentrated on the cards, trying not to think about all the stuff going on—Kenzie or my time lapses, or … anything. I mean, what could I do about them? Nothing. At least not tonight. And if I dwelled on them, even a little bit, I was going to start ripping out my hair. See, that was the thing, if I wasn’t completely nuts at the moment, worrying about it was going to get me there—fast.
Okay, I knew I should look up split personalities on the Internet. I knew I should get right on it—get rid of Kenzie. Now. Make sure she never came back. But right now, for tonight, I just wanted to forget there was a Kenzie. Forget that I p
robably had grief-induced split personalities.
But it was hard not to think about it. It was all I could think about. Someone was taking over my body when my brain zoned out. I had split personalities. I was bonkers.
The phone rang and I jumped—spooked. It rang again, jarring me anew. But still, I didn’t move for it, trying to ignore the jolt that ran through my body with each new ring. My plan was to let the machine pick up the call, too afraid if I tried answering, no sound would come out. Like in my nightmares sometimes, when I try screaming but nothing escapes my lips, just raspy, choking air. I felt like that now, like I couldn’t talk or even make a sound. I clutched my stomach, scared to even try. Besides, the machine was better at taking messages. No way was the phone for me—this wasn’t really my house and no one, not a soul, had called me since I got here almost a month ago. Still, at the last moment I grabbed the phone anyway, needing the comfort of a human voice, even if the voice was for someone else.
I cleared my throat, cleared it again. “Shade residence.”
“Jodi!” It was Grey. He sounded surprised to hear my voice. “I was beginning to think they had you bound and gagged—stuffed in a closet.”
I had no idea what he was talking about, but I smiled anyway. It was good to hear his voice. “Hi.”
“Don’t you ever answer the phone? I’ve been calling all month. You haven’t been getting my messages, have you?”
“No. I haven’t.” Suddenly, I was filled with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I was thrilled to learn he’d been calling; on the other, I was hysterically mad at my mom. She knew how miserable and lonely I’d been, but she let me mope around here, thinking I didn’t have a friend in the world. It was hard to believe anyone could be so cruel—even her.
“I knew it! Your mother’s a witch. She kept assuring me she was giving you my messages, but I knew she wasn’t. You would have called me back, right?”
Hearing the uncertainty in his voice made my stomach feel funny. This wasn’t the way it worked with me and Grey. I clung to him, not the other way around. He was older than me, not that much, but he was in college—which was why my mom didn’t approve of our friendship—well, that and the fact he lived in New York. Mom seemed to want me to forget there even was a New York.
I knitted my brow. “Of course.”
I would have called him back, immediately. Definitely. There was no question. There shouldn’t have been. Mom bit for trying to keep us apart. She didn’t need to worry about Grey. He kept me at arm’s length. Always. Pretty much. I guess if he tried to be more—let me be more—I’d probably run away screaming. At least that’s what he was always saying, and he was probably right. ‘Cause as I said, I’m broken. And scarred. Emotionally messed up. Because love sucks. Hurts so bad.
“So, how are you doing out there?” He sounded concerned. “Is everything all right?”
“Uh …” Look, what could I say to that? Moving back to the Shade’s home was a problem I had to deal with. It wasn’t like I had other options. And this thing about having split personalities, well, it wasn’t an option either—at least not one I could take care of tonight. And it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about. I just wanted it to go away. So, I lied. Because that was easier. I mean, he was clear across the country. There was nothing he could do. “Yeah. I guess.”
“Is your stepbrother giving you problems?”
I blanched, shaking my head slowly, though of course Grey couldn’t see. I swallowed, then cleared my throat, not sure I could talk about Jeremy here, in his own house. Well, what used to be his house.
I closed my eyes. This is dumb. I’m not going to cry. I just wished I hadn’t thought of him earlier today. Thought he was kissing me. How pathetic. “No. I haven’t even seen Jeremy since I got here. They sent him off to his sister’s house. I don’t know if the arrangement is permanent or not.” I sighed. “I hope it is.”
“Probably it is,” he said. “I mean your mom probably wouldn’t take a chance on things starting up again, right?”
“Probably not.” I said this more because he sounded troubled and I wanted to reassure him, than because I actually believed it was true. Unfortunately, the truth was, no matter how much she would like to, Mom couldn’t keep Jeremy out of his own house forever.
But Grey was worried that my feelings for Jeremy were going to get all passionate again, and they weren’t. I hoped, wished, prayed. It had been over two years. Everything had changed.
I stared at the queen of hearts in my hand, ugh, then placed it at the bottom of the deck. “Am I ever going to see you again?”
“I don’t know.” Grey sighed. “Maybe I could come out there at Christmas.” He paused, obviously rethinking his unformulated plan. “Your mom wouldn’t like that though, would she? I don’t know, maybe it’d be better to just end this thing—whatever it is.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing it wasn’t true. Still, I said it anyway. “It’s love.”
“Jodi … it’s not.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“Well, you know what I mean.”
I sighed. Yeah. I knew what he meant. “Look, things are different now.” I paced around the kitchen, getting sweaty palms. “A lot different. I’m going to be starting college next year.”
“Yeah, that’ll be good,” he agreed. “Look, I guess I should go. Maybe I’ll be able to come up at Christmas. We’ll see.”
“Try.”
He was silent for a moment. “You know I will.”
He said it morosely, as though he wished he wouldn’t. And sadly, I knew he wished he wouldn’t. He was my crutch. The boy I’d give my heart to if it wasn’t broken and mangled and no longer able to be given. But it was and he knew it.
After we said goodbye and hung up, I slumped down at the kitchen table feeling miserable. It had been hard enough getting to see Grey when I lived next door to his parents. Here it seemed impossible. But he was pretty much my only friend—the only one I cared about, anyway.
So yeah, this year was going to suck. Bad. But as long as Kenzie didn’t keep showing up, I could handle it. And next year things would be different. I’d be going to college—maybe with Grey. I’d be out of this house, and away from my mom and all the other Shades. That thought alone was enough to lift my spirits.
The phone rang again. This time I leapt for it, hoping it was Grey calling me back. “Hello?”
There was a long pause. “Hi.”
The bottom dropped out of my stomach. Even from that one syllable murmur, I found myself shaking. It was Jeremy.
I knew this moment would come. I constantly tried to prepare myself for it, rehearsed for it. Still, now that it was finally here I found I wasn’t ready. Not even close.
“… Is my dad there?”
“No. They’re—he’s out. Do you want me to take a message?”
Part of me wished I had let the machine catch the call, but another part, a deep down part, wanted this moment to never end. It was Jeremy! After all these years, I was actually talking to Jeremy!
“Um, no.” His voice sounded hesitant. “That’s okay. I’ll call back.”
“They won’t be home until late.”
“Well, that’s okay. It’s no big deal, really.” He was silent for a moment. “Uh, Jodi?”
Hearing him say my name was like tiny needles pricking my heart.
“I’m really sorry about your dad.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Thanks,” I choked. “Listen, I need to go.”
I quickly hung up the phone and laid my head against the table. And cried. Things will get better, I told myself. They have to get better—they can’t get any worse.
***
When I was done crying, I decided to stop being a wimp. Dad was dead and mom was a flake and I was on my own. Totally. No one was going to help me. If I was going to get rid of this personality in my head that called itself Kenzie, I had to do it myself.
I grabbed my laptop and went outside to the porch. Plopping down on
the front steps, I wrapped a blanket around my legs as the summer night air had turned kind of chilly. Then I listened to my iPod as I looked up people’s grief-process stories on the Internet.
I read that during the grief process a lot of people dealt with blackouts and time-lapses and going through their lives on autopilot, that kind of stuff, stuff I had been going through … before. But no one mentioned developing split personalities—becoming a totally different persona. Of course, probably no one else had had to deal with their dad dying the way mine did. So violent and scary. So maybe my process was worse than theirs. I had more to deal with … so maybe my process was bigger. Weirder?
Maybe.
It made sense. Kind of. I looked up into space, considering everything I’d read. Then I did a double take, my heart getting all violent. Sawyer’s black Mustang was across the street. He was sitting in it, watching me.
I shivered.
How long had he been there, doing that?
I stared at him for a long moment with mixed feelings. I couldn’t decide if it was creepy … or super creepy. What was he doing? Was the dude a stalker?
I thought about running into the house to call the police. Well, not really, I didn’t truly consider it, but it seemed like maybe I should.
“Hey,” he said through the open window when he saw he had my attention. He raised his eyebrows. “Want to go for a ride?”
No, I didn’t. I wanted to read about split personalities and figure out if I had one. Figure out how to get rid of Kenzie.
After I just stared at him from my spot on the porch, he motioned for me to come over to him. I hesitated, but didn’t want to be rude exactly, and really, just a little bit ago I had been crying about being alone. So I got up and hid my laptop under my blanket. Not that anyone was going to come on my porch this late at night and steal it—not that they would during the middle of the day either. Still.
The Stranger Inside Page 3
