Sawyer said we were and Zack nodded, but his eyes were on me. “I remember you,” he said. “You don’t remember me though, huh?”
I shook my head. He didn’t look familiar to me—not even slightly.
“Well, I’ve changed a lot.” He took a long drag on his cigarette. “Anyway, my girlfriend’s having the guys over for poker Friday—you’ll come, right?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. I was embarrassed of the scene he and the rest of the band had witnessed—Sawyer and me fighting. How lame. It made me never want to see him again, ever. But, then again, he bothered inviting me. Maybe he didn’t think I was a total dork. Maybe.
Besides, what could I say? No? Yeah, that would make things better.
“Sure,” I said at last. “I’ll come.”
Zack nodded, his eyes still intently on me. He backed away, still gazing. It made me feel funny.
On our way home Sawyer sounded relieved. “Well, now it’s over,” he said. “Finally. Now you know—Jeremy and I are friends.”
I gazed at him, realizing how hard it must have been keeping me a secret from his band. It had been a weird thing to do, but still, hard.
“The thing is, though,” Sawyer said, “I guess you think it’s over between you and Jeremy, but I don’t think it is. No way. Jodi, today when you saw him—it was like the two of you were going to make-out right there in the garage.”
I blanched. “We were just … shocked to see each other.” After a moment, I added, “I told you what he said to my mom that day—I’m a stranger to him.”
“Yeah, I know what you said. But that day at practice—after he went and reclaimed Norton—he kept swearing about being locked out of his house. He was pissed at your mom. But when I asked him about you, he just shook his head.” Sawyer glanced over at me. “He wouldn’t talk about it. But later he said it was good seeing you. He said he wished he hadn’t brought Chloe.”
A rush of warmth ran through me just hearing that—that Jeremy had said something nice about me. Suddenly my body was on fire. But that was bad, annoying. I didn’t want to like Jeremy. Jeremy had girls waiting in cars for him. Jeremy dumped me. I wanted to like Sawyer.
And I did like Sawyer. I liked him a lot. I was just afraid that maybe I still liked Jeremy too.
I didn’t wanna.
CHAPTER 8
Daddy’s all bloody. “I did it for you!” he cries, trying to hand me his heart. “I did it for you!”
I cower away from him, balling up at the corner of my bed. “Why Daddy? Why’d you do that?”
Sophie Jones is hacked up on my floor, her guts spilling out of her. Daddy did it. Just now. Right in front of me. He chopped her up into little tiny pieces with an ax—Chop. Chop. Chop—shouting, “Where is she? Tell me where she is, you stupid cow!”
But now he is offering me his heart. Only, I don’t take it. Can’t take it. “Why Daddy? Why?”
He sees me looking at Sophie. “I didn’t do that,” he says. “Jodi, I wouldn’t do that.”
For a moment, he’s my dad. Really my dad.
But then.
He shows me his heart. “I did this.”
I whimper, cower further away from him, sobbing.
But Daddy’s intent, impatient. He uses his heart to write on the wall. His words are big, gory, dripping in blood.
“Jodi Go Hospital.”
I jolted up from bed, a strangled scream caught in my throat. Another nightmare. At least this one was different than the car one. This one wasn’t based on real events. The bloody car one—the crash—it really happened. So, in a way it was worse. Sort of. Not to say this one wasn’t horrible. It was. It had me shivering. And sweating. Yearning for Dad. So bad.
But ugh! They were getting to me—these nightmares. Messing up my sleep big time. I had one practically every night. Only … right now it wasn’t even night. It was the middle of the day. Apparently. Sunlight streamed through my windows. I glanced at my clock. Four in the afternoon.
Wow.
What did I even do today? I couldn’t remember. Something about Daddy. Then I saw it on my nightstand. Oh yeah. Dad’s ring. I picked it up, held it close to my heart.
It had come in the mail this morning. Dad had been wearing it the night he died. He wore it … always. When it arrived unexpectedly, I’d cried. It was all I had left of Dad, a ring. It held mixed emotions for me though, since the New York Police had sent it as part of his effects. But still. It was part of Dad, so it was part of me.
I stared at the ring a moment, trying to think—remember my dream. I kept having the same one, over and over. Well, that dream, and the car one—me trying to save that girl. But Dad was in that dream too, giving me orders, salvaging limbs. Dad was in both dreams, a major part, always. And those two nightmares—they haunted me. I had one or the other constantly, every night.
It was almost as though Dad was trying to tell me something. Almost. But if he was, I wasn’t getting it. And it didn’t make sense, of course; one dream was real and the other so totally wasn’t. Still … if Dad was trying to tell me something—if something like that were possible, sending messages “from beyond.” If it was possible I was letting him down. Big time.
“Sorry Dad,” I whispered.
I held the ring tighter to me, almost feeling Dad near, as though I could feel his arms around me, his embrace. “I love you Dad.”
Pop! The television suddenly flipped on. I jumped about a mile in the air, my heart slamming against my chest.
Whhhh?
It took a moment before I realized what I’d done—accidentally switched the television on. I found the remote under the covers with me. I must have leaned against it.
Calming down a little, I rested my head against the wall, watching what was on the screen—a commercial for the Psychic Center.
I turned up the volume.
But as I watched, I didn’t calm. Instead, every hair on my arm stood on end. The commercial was talking about linking with the dead. I’d seen the commercial a hundred times before. But today it was different. Today I was drawn to it. Couldn’t look away.
Was it possible? Was Dad really doing that—trying to tell me something?
I jumped out of bed to look up the Psychic Center on my laptop. But I didn’t make it to my desk. Halfway there I froze, staring around my room in disbelief. My Jeremy box from under the bed was out, lying open in the middle of my room, empty.
Totally empty.
All of my Jeremy memories were placed with care where they belonged. That is, where they would belong if my feelings for him didn’t need to be kept hidden, secret, buried deep, deep, deep until it was impossible to dig them up. Acknowledge them. But the things were out in the open now, out for me to see, everyone to see. Jeremy’s love notes stacked neatly on my dresser. Our pictures on my mirror. And my necklace, the one Jeremy had given me, it was here, back around my neck.
Had Kenzie done this?
Of course she had.
My legs were trembling so badly I had to sit down. But I couldn’t move. Couldn’t take a step. I simply crumbled where I was, in the middle of my room. Only I didn’t sit. Instead, I curled up into a ball, shivering. Kenzie was back. She was. She came and went as she pleased, whenever she pleased. I don’t know why I was even surprised. I didn’t just have a split personality. I’d kind of already figured that out—pretty much. The other day I had seen shadows. Heard them talk. And my dad, he had grabbed an axe, hacked up a lady, then hacked out his own heart.
He was crazy.
Just like me.
CHAPTER 9
I was still curled up in a ball when Sawyer came over. He rang the doorbell, but I lay still, not planning to move. Finally, I did though. I got up and answered the door. Because it was Sawyer. Only, then I wished I didn’t answer because he kept asking me what was the matter. And I couldn’t tell him. I just couldn’t. Not about Kenzie showing again, not about Dad, not about shadows. I didn’t want to dig it all up—have it out in the open. It was
too painful. Too horrible and scary.
“Jodi, you’re not like most girls,” Sawyer said, taking me into his arms, stroking my hair. “You don’t talk about things to death. You do the opposite, though. You avoid talking about things, period. But something’s obviously bothering you. If you tell me, I’ll help you.” He leaned his head back, looking into my eyes. “I promise. I’ll help you.”
But I didn’t tell him. Couldn’t. I let him hold me though. That helped. More than he could possibly know. And while he held me, I tried to think. Form a plan. A way to keep myself out of the loony bin. And everyone safe. From me.
“You’ve heard about shock therapy, right?” I whispered to Sawyer.
I felt a tremor run through him. He stood frozen a moment, then leaned away from me so he could look at my face. “Yeah.” He studied me closely, his eyes full of concern. “Why Jodi?” He brought his forehead down to mine. “Why are you asking me this?”
“Last night, I was reading on the Internet and I read that you can do it yourself, with rubber bands. Like, you put them around your wrist. Then … if something weird happens, you snap the rubber band against your wrist really hard, and it,” I swallowed, “it snaps you back into reality—like wakes you up, wakes up your mind.”
I could see him negotiating what I was saying in his head. He stared at me intently. A long time. His jaw set and his forehead scrunched.
Finally he let out a breath. “What weird thing happened, Jodi?”
My breath hitched. I couldn’t tell him. But I had a plan. I’d wear rubber bands around my wrists. Lots of them. Pile them on. And I’d totally use them, like shock therapy. The next time I saw shadows. Or heard them. Or if I had the urge to do … something. Anything. Like … turn into a different person … or grab an axe.
***
Friday night I waited for Sawyer with knots in my stomach. I was beyond nervous. There was no way I could handle spending an entire night seeing Jeremy with another girl. I kept remembering that Christmas when I had to sit there and watch him cuddle with his “little girlfriend.” I fell to pieces right in front of everyone. What if I did that tonight?
Restless, I paced the living room, trying to convince myself I was being irrational. After all, it had been almost three years. Everything was completely different now. That day I’d been alone, expecting Jeremy to still love me. Tonight I’d be with Sawyer, my boyfriend—that in itself would make a huge difference. But more than that, tonight I had the advantage of knowing beforehand Jeremy would be with another girl. I’d had days to prepare for it, days to come to terms.
I was being ridiculous. Dumb. Jeremy was totally over me. Totally.
She’s like a stranger to me. His words still slugged at my stomach. Hurt so bad. Would the pain ever go away?
Resolutely, I went up to my room and got the wooden box from under my bed. I’d put everything back in it yesterday, as soon as I’d recovered from my Kenzie shock. I was still shaky from it, still nauseous. But Sawyer had called last night, making sure I was still planning to come to the party. When I told him I wasn’t, he kind of coaxed me into it, anyway. He was good at that, coaxing me into things. But he hadn’t coaxed me in to telling him about Kenzie’s return. Or about Dad. Or Sophie Jones. Because I was good at that. Keeping things in.
Before hanging up, Sawyer had sounded pensive. “Jodi … are you wearing rubber bands right now?”
I sighed, not answering.
“I love you Jodi.” Frustration laced through his voice. “I want to help you.”
I still didn’t say anything.
“They’ll cut off your circulation.”
Still, I said nothing. Not because I was being obstinate, but what could I say? If Kenzie was going to cancel all my doctor appointments, what choice did I have? Besides, I didn’t believe a doctor could help me. Not really. Not anymore. But the rubber bands might. I really believed—well, okay, hoped—they would. Shock therapy—it was drastic … but so was my situation.
Sawyer let out an exasperated breath. “ … I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said at last. “You’re still coming, right?”
That phone call had been last night. Now, with shaky fingers, I unlocked the lid to the wooden box. I took out the necklace Jeremy had given me and slipped the “J” off the intricate gold chain. For a moment I held it tight, but then slid it back into the box, replacing it on the chain with Dad’s gold ring.
I tried making it a symbolic gesture—replacing Jeremy’s J with Dad’s ring. Like, the necklace had been given to me with love, but now that love was gone, over. But Dad’s love—that love would go on, never end. No matter what happened, how Dad died, what he might have done, he loved me. I knew that.
So, by replacing the charm on the necklace it made me feel a little better somehow, calmer about seeing Jeremy. Still, when Sawyer arrived I was apprehensive to say the least.
He warily eyed the ten rubber bands around my wrists and scrunched up his forehead as though he had loads to say about my new “therapy.” But he didn’t say a word. Instead he kissed the top of my head.
“Maybe we should just stay here,” I suggested, ready to start snapping my rubber bands, fidgeting with them. “We never hang out here.”
Sawyer grinned. Just a few nights ago he had brought up this very same idea, suggesting we stay here rather than go meet his band. But everything had changed since then. He was stressing that night because he was keeping a secret. He was worried how I would react discovering he and Jeremy were friends. But tonight the pressure was off—as far as he was concerned. His secret was out. He could just sit back and watch the drama.
“Why are you so nervous?” he asked.
“It’s Jeremy. I just—I don’t want to see him.”
Sawyer studied me. “You mean you don’t want to see him with a girl.”
What could I say to that?
“Come on, Jodi,” he took me in his arms. “It’s not like we can avoid him forever. He’s my best friend.”
I pulled away from him and sat on the couch, trying to get him to do the same. “Sawyer, I made such a fool of myself the other night. Let’s just start over—with new friends. I don’t want to see yours again, ever.”
I heard him take a deep breath. “Jodes, the band—they’re my family.”
I gazed down at my rubber bands knowing he was going to win.
He came over to me, took my hand again, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Look, don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll be with you. I’ll help you through it.”
Finally, I relented—’cause of that family thing he said. How could I deprive him of that?—ask him to give up his family?
When we got to Zack’s girlfriend’s house, I took a deep breath. Sawyer guided me up the steps. I knew it was irrational to be so nervous, but that didn’t really make a difference. Rational or not, I felt like I might throw up.
A tall girl with black-polished fingernails greeted us at the door. She was pretty, with gorgeous dark hair and thick black eyelashes. “I’m Eve,” she informed me as she invited us in.
Her house looked like something out of a magazine. It was decorated in white and a pale shade of yellow. I wondered if I should take my shoes off. Mom used to make us do that when we had light colored carpeting. But Sawyer didn’t take off his, so I didn’t either.
Sawyer put his arm around me. “This is Jodi.”
“Jodi?” She furrowed her brow. “I thought it was Kenzie. How weird.” She waved it off. “I’m so bad with names. Anyway, Jodi, I’m floored to meet you. Sawyer talks about you constantly. Actually though, I was beginning to think you didn’t really exist—the way he kept you from us, like a big secret or something.”
She led us down the hall, into the kitchen. There, Sawyer’s friends were gathered at the table. They were all talking and messing around as we came in. Just seeing them for that moment I could tell they were all really close—tight. Suddenly, more than anything, I wanted to fit in with them, be part of them.
“Here
she is everyone,” Eve announced, getting everyone’s attention. “This is Sawyer’s big mystery woman—Jodi.”
“Hi Jodi,” they all greeted me in unison.
Eve had us sit next to her and Zack, which put us directly across from Jeremy and his girlfriend. I accidentally met Jeremy’s gaze as I sat down. He gave me a smile, but I—quick as lightening—looked away.
Groan.
Why did I do that? Why didn’t I just smile back? He was being friendly. And that was what I wanted—needed—us to be friends. Why couldn’t I just be a calm, normal person? Why, why, why? I rubbed at my rubber bands, ready to start snapping.
Sawyer noticed and took my hand under the table. He leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re fine,” he whispered.
Eve gazed at us, practically rolling her eyes, like, Oh great, love-birds. Like she was weary of new girls coming into their tight circle and messing with the shape. But then she smiled all fake and I’m-the-exemplary-hostess-like.
“Okay, I’ll give you a quick rundown on who everyone is,” Eve said. “But don’t feel pressured to remember. I mean, there won’t be a quiz or anything.” She palmed Zack’s chest. “This here, is the love of my life, Zack. He plays the bass for The Clutch, and as you can see, his favorite color is black.” Zack looked down at his all-black clothes, then raised his eyebrows and smiled at me. He had a nice smile, friendly. It was surprising. Because he looked sort of dangerous, all pierced and tattooed and … dark. But his smile changed all that, made him look less scary, nice even, almost.
Eve went on, “The blond over there’s Micah. He plays the drums.”
One thing I should say about Sawyer’s friends: they looked nothing like him. Sawyer was really clean cut, and proper looking, the boy next-door type of guy. Like he used to be a boy scout. His friends on the other hand, not so much. They looked more like they belonged in a band. Besides the many piercings and tattoos, and long, shaggy hair, they all had an I belong in a cool band look about them. I can’t describe it. It was just there. Like—like they just walked out of a heavy band magazine.
The Stranger Inside Page 10
