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Feral © copyright 2016 Laxmi Hariharan
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FERAL
Many Lives, book 1
Laxmi Hariharan
Welcome to FERAL, book 1 in the Many Lives Stories
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FERAL
Synopsis
He was her destination. She just didn't know it. When Maya leaves Luke to go in search of her real family, nothing prepares her for the secrets she uncovers about herself.
1
Powai Hills, outskirts of Bombay, June 2034
I've always found it easier to explain my own reactions through science than understand them for what they are: human emotions that spring up when we are faced with something unexpected. It’s one way of coping when you are surrounded by high-emotion hybrids. Half-human, half-wolf hybrids known but not fully understood. Not yet. Like Luke, who always outruns me, but today I feel faster.
Maybe my legs are getting longer? Maybe... my body is finally changing? If only! More likely he's letting me win. We race through the forest, my feet barely touching the thick moss covered earth, and burst upon a small clearing. I pull ahead just by a hair's breadth, only to stumble, and he crashes into me. We go down in a tangle of arms and legs. Panting, I look up at his wolf form. His rough, furry body is pressing me to the ground, trapping me, surrounding me. I inhale his spicy, cinnamon smell and warmth floods my lower body. Wolves are not supposed to have much of a smell, so they can stay undetected while hunting, but this is how Luke’s always smelt to me. Inviting. I want to sink my teeth into him. It's also the first time I’ve seen him this close. Close enough to glimpse the hidden sparks in his silvery-grey eyes. His hot breath sears my cheeks and I freeze, feeling my arousal, sensing his desire. My heart's pounding in my chest so hard I am sure he can hear it too.
Falling in love is associated with increased energy, speeding pulse, narrowing of mental focus, sweaty palms and lightheadedness.
That's a 'nice' rational explanation. And it's true. Almost. Except I am not in love with Luke, am I?
As if sensing the thoughts flowing through my head, Luke's still. His eyes narrow, one paw steps backward, head cocks slightly, waiting. For what? I meet his gaze head on, torn between a desire to flee and a yearning for 'something else.' Can he smell my uncertainty? And why am I surprised by this sudden flaring of 'something' between us? After all, we’ve been inseparable since I was five. Yet I'd no idea he ever saw me like that. I'd never thought of him as a potential mate. But now there's no mistaking that flash of awareness between us. I'll never look at him the same way again. My skin prickles. Should I back off? What should I do? I'm struggling with the awkward moment, feeling a million kinds of agony, when Luke’s expression changes.
My breath catches, knowing he has come to a decision. What's he going to do? Then, the hovering paw steps forward. He bends his head, nuzzles my neck. He wants me. I know he does. But do you want him? Really want him? Unsure, I tremble and a strange tension grips my shoulders. One to figure out for later. For now, I push the thought aside and fling my arms around him. I hug him, a 'normal' hug, and punch him on the back, just as we'd done when we were younger. Success! The playful mood catches on and, growling in mock fury, he tries to lick my throat. It tickles me and, giggling, I duck, trying to scramble out from under him and he only follows me. Moving even closer, he pins me down, placing his front paws on my torso.
"You're too heavy," I gasp out and laughing, make a final escape attempt, twisting out from underneath him. I catch him off guard and off balance. Instinct takes over as he tries to stay upright, and he grabs hold of me again. His claws dig into my side. Unintended reflex. Wolf instinct. But still, it hurts. Hurts enough for me to cry out and hold my side as blood stains the cloth between my fingers. The air shimmers, that weird stirring of the aether, as he strains to change back to his human form.
“No!” His cry is still half howl, as he looks down at the blood which tingles against his wolf senses. Like most hybrids, he discovered his wolf only a couple of years ago, when he turned sixteen. He's still coming into his abilities, still unable to manage the transition with grace. How does it feel to transform, to have all your senses open, on alert, receiving all those signals from the outer world, I wonder. Before I can ask, pain throbs through my side and I half groan again, biting my lips.
"I am sorry, so sorry, Maya," he is clearly distressed, both at his lack of control and over the real fear of harming me, even if it is by accident. He's only slowly learning the importance of self-control, in whatever form he is wearing. I hear the worry in his voice. And yet I want to move closer, tempt him further. Will he lick my blood this time? Like the taste of me? My cheeks grow warm with embarrassment. "Not your mistake. If I’d been a hybrid, like you, I'd have been faster and this wouldn’t have happened."
Pushing away his helping hand, I get up, only to stumble as my hurt side pings a protest. I curse myself. You’re too weak and with all the faults of being 100% human. You’ll never be as strong as the hybrids. He picks me up as if I weigh close to nothing and this time I don’t protest. He's barely taken a few steps when we hear the sound of someone thrashing through the undergrowth, and a large grey wolf, the alpha of our pack, bursts out of the woods.
Luke's muscles tense under me before going slack. The Alpha freezes, jaws open, looking from me to Luke, before fixing him with an unwavering gaze.
"I’m fine," I croak, but before I can say anything more, the wolf growls. Luke lowers me to my feet and puts up both his hands as if to show his surrender.
"It was an accident—I’m—" Before he can complete his sentence, the wolf jumps him and Luke is flat on the ground. He’s a big boy, almost six feet, but our alpha is stronger. She snaps her teeth towards his throat. I scream, "No, Ma. Don’t. We were only playing. He didn’t mean to hurt me." She growls, but doesn’t back off.
I fling myself at her, ignoring the pain of my hurt side, trying to hold her back with all my strength. Perhaps it's the urgency in my voice or the force of my grip that gets through to her, but Ma finally takes a step back, then another. When there’s enough distance between her and Luke, and I'm sure he's safe, I finally let go. Collapsing on the ground, I heave a sigh of relief.
Luke crawls over to me. Despite the alpha who is watching him as if she wants to tear him apart, he touches my cheek, "I’ll leave you two alone." He looks into my eyes as if to ask, "Will you be fine?"
When I nod he gets to his feet in a smooth supple move. One step. Another. Yet another one. Breaking into a run he leaps in
to the air. The muscles on his back and then his thighs flex as he transforms back into his wolf form, this time with more grace. He’s getting better with each shift. Learning quickly. And me? What about me? A rustle of leaves has me turning to find Ma back in her human form. She drops to her knees and touches my side, and I wince.
"How many times have I warned you to keep away from him?" She scolds, "He doesn’t know how to be gentle with you."
"It's my fault,” I reply, not meeting her eyes. “I’m much weaker. I haven’t even transformed yet." I choke out the words, cheeks burning with humiliation.
"You are stronger. Mentally and emotionally, you are tougher," She replies in a firm voice. Words even and smooth, carefully timed, for effect, to let them sink in. "And that is much more important than being just physically strong. You are not the weak one here."
I remain stiff as she pulls up my T-shirt to touch the scratches on my side.
"Damn that boy,” she swears and pulls me to my feet, keeping an arm around me as we walk towards our apartment over on the far end of the small forest. Ma took over as alpha after her mate was killed in a sudden encounter with humans.
A female alpha is highly uncommon. Wolves and humans being very similar in that way. Over the years, she’s proven herself, standing up to the other members of the pack. She’ll never be as physically strong as them, but her determination to lead and her ability to take care of the pack has ensured their loyalty. Where the males are ferocious, she is wily, clever, and protective. She takes care of her own. Just like she takes care of me. I so want to be like her. But until I transition, until I find the wolf inside, I’ll never be as good.
"Why am I the only one who hasn’t yet transformed Ma?" Since I turned sixteen I’ve been asking her this question. And like all the other times, she is quiet. All my life, I’ve only ever wanted to be one of the pack. For real, like them. But today, this accident has shown me just how fragile I am. And I want to find out why. Why am I weaker? Why haven’t I yet found the wolf inside? Is there a wolf in me? You sure, you really want to know the answer? I dig in my heels and refuse to move, so her hand drops away from around me.
"Answer me, Ma." I insist, raising my voice. "Do I even belong here?" Silence. Then she meets my eyes, her gaze steady, "This is your home. Here, with the pack. With us. Understood?" She says, her voice quiet, insistent, “We need you. I need you,” she adds.
My head feels like it's going to explode, and I'm so confused right now that I don't hear the tremor in her voice.
"Then why am I different?” The doubts I've been chasing around in my head for so long, it's as if I can't stop them from pouring out. “Why am I not like you? Or like Luke, or the rest?" My heart’s beating fast, as I wait for her to speak.
"You are only seventeen. Perhaps the shift could happen later?" Her voice is unsure, with some question or thought that remain unspoken. Something in me twists, something that isn’t the pain in my side. A sick feeling grips me, and I know I will not stop till she tells me everything.
"Am I even your daughter?" I ask, in a shrill voice. There, I've said it aloud. The question that I dare not admit even to myself, the one that's gnawed at my sub-conscience, it's out now.
Turning, she places her arms on my shoulders and hesitates. I take a step back, so her hands fall away.
"Just tell me," I say in a low voice, licking my dry lips. You don’t want to hear this. You don’t.
"I found you, Maya, wandering the woods, crying. You were wounded and half frozen to death in the rain. And so tiny, just a few years old. When I picked you up, you clung to me, burrowing against my chest." She touches the top of her breast as if in recollection, a promise and an apology all rolled into her steady gaze. "And I couldn’t let you go. I chose you, Maya. I wanted you for I could never have children of my own."
I stand there. Frozen. Unable to move, willing this moment, this truth, to be undone, unsaid. I should be more shocked, be more surprised. Furious. But deep inside I’ve always known that I was not like them. After all, I've always smelt different from the pack. Always felt like I'm not one of them. Not really. Yet hearing her say it only makes it all so much worse.
"Where, where did you find me?" I finally manage; surprised the words don’t shatter as I speak them. Surprised I'm even making any sense. But I have to know. "Which city, country ... where?"
She swallows before continuing, her voice shaky. "It was in this very jungle." She adds in a low voice, almost as if speaking to herself, "I knew I shouldn't have come back to this city. Everything, everything told me not to follow the signs from the gods this time. Not to come back. And yet, yet—"
"Your gods! Like they've helped us at all so far?" I sneer. "Besides, you had to do what was best for the pack. Always the pack, Ma. They were always your priority. Over me."
Not true, I know she loves me, would do anything for me. But just now I am looking for anything that will hurt her. Make her bleed as I am.
She flinches as if I have bodily hit her, and that only makes me feel worse.
Tears of anger prick my eyes as she goes on, "I watched you over the years. I'd look at you and think you should know this truth. But then I would see you. So happy. And think, just a little longer. Let her believe for a while longer. And I almost did tell you. So many times I came so close to it. But … it just, it never felt the right time."
And now that you know, what are you going to do? "So, my life so far has been a lie? Like those gods you pray to who don’t really exist. All fake. Where's the honour in that? " I ask, my voice harsh.
My words find their mark and her face crumples. When she speaks next, her voice is so soft I can barely hear her above the pulse thundering at my temple, "Don't speak ill of the gods, Maya. You know not what their power really is. Shiva, the destroyer of evil, it is he who brought you to me, who guided me to this city a second time. He has his reasons. “'God' knows." She smiles a little at her weak joke. "After all, he protected me across the long journey away from the hell-hole we were in ... "
Ma seldom talks about this, her life before she found me. The war and the persecution, the hunger she endured as a child in Europe. Then the arduous journey to this city, and many of the pack drowning when the boat they were in capsized before reaching the new world. It was then she had a vision, with Shiva himself appearing to her and guiding her and the remaining pack to safety. To the shores of this city. She’d believed in these visions, holding them sacred ever since. And her words now strike terror in my heart, but I am too far gone.
Taking a deep breath, she gets ahold of herself. "You have to understand, Maya, that being 100% human is such a boon. You can blend in much easier with them. You will be the bridge between us—the hybrids—and them. Our one hope to negotiate with them, and find a place with enough food and water. A more permanent home, where we can co-exist next to humans, if not amongst them. So we don’t have to keep running. We are dying, Maya. This running and running is killing us. Killing our kind."
"YOUR kind. Not MY kind!” I spit back, bitter and betrayed. I barely hear her words anymore. Instead, I turn away. Run, a voice inside me prompts. Get away; get away from here, from your past, from the place you know you can never belong to … the only place you ever wanted to belong. I tear through the trees, unmindful of the wound on my side screeching in protest, tears blinding my eyes. Tripping over a log, I fall, hitting my head with a thump that sends red sparks shooting through my brain. As the darkness closes in on me, I know what I have to do.
2
When I wake up, Luke is sprawled across the chair next to my bed. He’s fast asleep, dark shadows under his eyes. Did he stay up most of the night? My eyes wander past him and over the room I've come to love. For the past six months, we've stayed in this tiny house. The longest we’ve been in any one place. Part of a complex, about an hour’s journey from Bombay. The entire area used to be an institute, dedicated to training the best scientific minds. And the buildings built into the hillside had been high en
ough to avoid the killer wave that swept through the city, less than twenty-one years ago. Far enough from the closest human settlement, and yet there are enough rooms to comfortably accommodate all fifty of us. A large pack, as wolves go. But you are not one of them now, are you? I flinch at that. Luke stirs and, finding me awake, comes over to sit by my bed.
His eyes are troubled and before he can speak I say, "Let it go, Luka. I am fine, it’s just a scratch."
Luka. Only I call him so, and only when I really want to get through to him. His eyes shadow further. Face intent, he leans in, shoving his hands into his pockets, as if to resist touching me.
"You could have died if the wounds had been deeper."
"Died? No way!" I sit up, "Don’t be silly. You’d never hurt me." I touch his face and a pulse leaps to life under my palm.
"You don’t understand what it’s like to be hybrid,” he says, "To feel the power course through you, feel the beast inside that you are not able to control. And when I'm near you, Maya…" A fire flickers in his eyes, making them shine. Unearthly eyes. Completely silver, almost platinum. An answering hunger ignites in my belly. How could I have not sensed this earlier, this seamless heat that licks out from him and brushes me, asking to be let in? It dances around me, seducing me. As if in a dream, I lean in closer, and raise my lips to his, but he jerks his head. Jumping to his feet, he walks to the window and looks out, running a hand through his already mussed hair. I feel his presence pull back.
Unspeakably dejected, I say in a low voice, "Fine! I get it. You don’t have to worry about hurting me any more, because I am leaving."
That gets his attention and he turns around, a blank look on his face. "Leaving? What do you mean?"
I swing my legs over, glad when my side doesn't protest. I feel fine, recovered. "It’s what you said earlier … at least you know what to expect. You know about the wolf inside you, and now you just have to find a way to tame it. Me? I don’t even know where I come from. I don’t know who I am! I’m nobody."
Feral - Many Lives Book 1 Page 1
