“I can’t help it that I have a woman. You should try it sometime.” His eyes darted between me and where I knew Lena to be standing. I wasn’t trying to ignore her, but I knew if I looked at her it would be over. My head would get all fucked up again, and I’d do something stupid. Ignoring her may be the juvenile thing to do, but at the moment it was all I was capable of.
“Anyone else need another drink?” I pushed my chair back abruptly and stood. “Just me? Ok then,” I turned and began weaving through the crowd. I needed to get away from her. Stupid fucking feelings were turning me into a pussy. I couldn’t have her. I would wreck her. She needed a man that could show her that sex was about feelings and love, not a punishment or business transaction. She needed someone that could be there for her. Someone that understood her, and was willing to take their time. I couldn’t be that man. I didn’t want to take my time. I wanted to brand myself to her. I wanted to be able to walk away when I was finished and not feel bad about it, but with her I couldn’t do that. She deserved better.
By the time I’d finished my little tirade I’d finally made it to the bar. It was crowded and I had the push my way to the front. I was surprised with such a busy night that there was only one bartender. I crossed my arms and leaned in, waiting to be noticed. Mark had been the one making our drink runs, so I assumed I wouldn’t get the VIP treatment that he’d been garnering. The girl knew she’d get a big tip from him with the amount of drinks he’d been ordering.
As I waited, I felt her presence. She didn’t say anything, or approach me, but I knew she was there. It was like we had this invisible connection. I couldn’t explain it, but when we were around each other it was like there was a magnet between us. “I thought we could talk,” she shouted over the music as she stood behind me I guessed.
I let my head drop between my shoulders as I took a few deep breaths and schooled my features. I didn’t want to hurt her; didn’t she see that? “About what?” I slowly lifted my head and glanced over my shoulder before turning back toward the bar.
“About last night,” she moved closer. I could tell that she was nervous. It was almost as if she were afraid of me, but something was making her brave. “Never mind,” she shook her head and turned to walk away.
oooooooo
Lena
This was a mistake. I knew coming with them was a bad idea. I knew he’d be here, but after what he did outside last night, that kiss, I needed to know what it meant. It felt like something to me, but he acted as if it were nothing and now he seems to want nothing to do with me.
I’ve never really dated. I don’t have the same experiences that most women my age do. In some ways, I’m like a teenager. When I’d come home from work and told Megan about Sam and Tiff coming to the club after work, she’d pretty much told me I had to go with them. The entire time I spent getting ready she sat on the bed telling me what a great idea this was and how I needed to get out. On the cab ride here I almost told the cabbie to stop three different times to let me out. I had to talk myself into this more times than I care to admit. When I climbed out out front and Tiff saw me, I knew backing out was out of the question. Since she and Jase got together officially, she’d been much nicer to me and seems to really want to be my friend. Now after talking to Jeff, I realize I was right all along. I should have stayed home.
“Wait!” Jeff shouted and then I felt him grab my arm. I pulled away and kept walking. I needed to escape. I knew coming here was a bad idea. Nothing good would come from it. “Would you wait!” he kept calling and it made me walk faster. I pushed through the crowd as I fought my way to the back. The bathrooms were back there, and I could get away from all of it. I needed to get away from it all. If I stopped and he kissed me again, I don’t know if I’d be able to push him away. He makes me feel things, things I’ve never felt before, and he offers me safety. I’m afraid to let him in all the way because I think he could really hurt me. That’s a lie, I know he could hurt me. He wouldn’t just break my heart; he’d blow it to smithereens.
When I reached the door to the ladies room, I shoved it open and rushed inside. Only it didn’t slam behind me, nope, he caught it and came barreling in too.
Chapter 18
Lena
“What are you doing?” I spun to face him and began to scurry backwards until my butt hit the edge of the sink. My heart was racing from the sudden adrenaline spike, and I wrung my hands in front of me.
“Why did you come here tonight?” his eyes narrowed for a moment before his gaze dropped to the floor. His hands came up to tug at his hair before he turned to face the door. I watched him in confusion, not really sure what was going on, but too interested to completely write him off.
“Jeff?” my voice shook, and I cursed my nerves. I needed to remember who this was. He’d never given me a reason to fear him, but I’d also never seen him act like this.
“You’re killing me, Lena,” he mumbled. His back straightened before he slowly turned to face me. I watched as one hand blindly reached behind him, and then I heard the lock click. I jumped. It was instinct. As much as I didn’t want to be afraid, or run, it was what I always did. My head was so conflicted, and based on the look he was giving me, so was Jeff’s.
“What?” I gasped. I had no idea what he was talking about. He’s the one that kissed me and ran away. He was the one that stayed away from the bar. He ignored me, not the other way around.
His eyes met mine in a stare down. “I need” he swallowed as he closed his eyes. “I can’t,” another swallow. “Fuck,” he hissed before he took a few quick strides and stopped in front of me. His hips pressed into mine, causing me to lean farther against the counter. “You’re in my head,” he mumbled. “I can’t get you out,” he leaned closer until our foreheads touched. “Tell me to walk away and I will,” his voice was a strained whisper. My breathing was becoming labored as I tried to control my emotions. I didn’t understand what all this meant. Did he like me like that? Was he asking permission for something? He’d already kissed me and then ran away.
“I don’t understand,” I gasped when he pressed his hips forward harder. Both hands hung by his sides repeatedly balling into fists. “What are you saying?”
“I don’t know,” he murmured. “I don’t know much of anything anymore.”
“Wha…” he cut me off when he reached up and gripped my chin.
“Something happened when I went into that hellhole with you. Something in me snapped. It’s fused itself with you, and I can’t get you out of my head. You’re buried deeper than you could ever imagine, Lena. I’ve tried to get you out, but I can’t. I can’t get you out, and I’m afraid I can’t give you what you deserve.”
I stood there stunned. I wanted to say something, to offer him some relief, to tell him that I understood. I’d thought about him too, but I’d told myself when all this started that it could never be real. I knew it was work for him, and I made sure that I kept myself in check. We went into Leo’s with a plan to save Megan. We’d done that, and now we had all this left in the aftermath.
“Say something,” he leaned closer. His lips were just a breath away from mine, but he was waiting. It was as if he were giving me the chance to tell him no. Every muscle in his body was twisted tightly, ready to pounce so to speak, but he was waiting on me. He was looking for permission.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered just as someone knocked on the door.
“There’s other people that have to pee,” a disgruntled female’s voice sounded through the door.
“I know this is a bad idea, but,” he paused as he rested his forehead on mine. I felt the struggle within him. Every signal he was sending off contradicted his words. It was like his body and mind were at war. “Go out on a date with me.”
“Ok,” I nodded slowly, causing both our heads to bob.
“Yes?” he pulled back and his eyes darted from side to side as he searched my face.
“Yeah,” I offered a half smile. I didn’t know what t
o make of all this. Did I like him like that? Yes, but I was also afraid of what this would lead to. What if he wanted to have sex with me? What if he thought he could get away with more because of my past? What if he saw me differently? What if he was afraid to touch me because of my past? My head was a jumbled mess as we stood there staring at one another. Part of me saw one extreme happening while the other part saw the other extreme.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” he cupped my cheeks as he watched me. “I can see the worry written all over you.”
“Nothing,” I murmured.
“That’s the last time you’re allowed to lie to me,” the stern alpha voice reappeared before his eyes softened again.
“I’m getting the manager if you don’t unlock the door!” the angry female banged on the door again.
“In a minute!” Jeff growled. “Tomorrow night. You and me. Seven o’clock. I’ll pick you up at your place. Dress casual.” He leaned in and placed a light kiss to my forehead, “And stop worrying.” I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and bit down on it as I nodded in silence.
Jeff grinned, turned around, and unlocked the door. When he opened it, the woman who’d been knocking had her hand raised like she was going to beat on the door again. “It’s about damn time! Go fuck on your time, there’s a hotel down the block!”
“Excuse me?” Jeff’s eyes narrowed as he reached in his back pocket and pulled out his badge. “You wanna yell at me again?” he held it up, and I watched in amusement as the woman clammed right up. She turned and rushed away without even using the bathroom. Guess she didn’t have to go that bad. “Come on,” he held his hand back to me. “We better get back to the table before they start to worry about us.” I placed my hand in his and let him lead me out.
ooooooooo
“So where are you going?” Megan was sitting on my bed as I got ready for this date that I had to convince myself to go on.
“I have no idea,” I muttered, and it was the truth. Jeff had been very tight lipped when he called this morning to make sure I wasn’t backing out, and when he sent me the five texts throughout the day. The good news was he seemed to be just as anxious as I was, which was weird. He never came across as ever being unsure of himself. I’d seen him in work mode, and pretty much nothing else. Being a UC gave him lots of experience with different personalities, and now I found myself wondering which was the real Jeff.
“He had to tell you something,” she watched me as I began to pace. I’d changed clothes twice already, and was currently pulling a third top out to hold in front of me.
“Nope, just that we’d be outside and to dress warm,” I sighed as I tossed the sweater on the bed.
“What was wrong with that one?” Megan scrambled over and picked it up.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go,” I stomped back into my closet. “This was a bad idea.”
“Would you stop,” she groaned. I heard her moving around before she appeared beside me. “He likes you, and he already knows everything. What do you have to be worried about?”
“Megs,” I turned to face her. “I haven’t been on a real date in five years. I haven’t been out with anyone since Leo. I don’t even know how to do this,” my lip trembled and I bit down on it to stop it.
“Jeff is not Leo. He likes you, and he’s a nice guy. You know this. Besides, what makes you think he isn’t nervous too?” she giggled as she shoved the sweater back at me.
“You’ve met him. He doesn’t do nervous,” I rolled my eyes. “This one?” I shuffled back out of the closet.
She nodded, “With the dark jeans and the black boots,” she pointed to a pair of knee boots that sat slumped in the corner of my closet. I’d bought them on a whim last winter and never worn them. I’d planned to a lot of things over the years, but my fears always seemed to stop me.
“I’m gonna freeze my ass off if we’re going to be outside,” I muttered as I pulled on the dark skinny jeans.
“I’m sure Jeff can keep you warm,” Megan giggled. At first a wave panic rushed through me but I swallowed it down. I laughed lightly as I watched Megan. She looked so happy and carefree, not the girl I rescued a few weeks ago. It was amazing how quickly she recovered from her time at Leo’s. If only it was that easy for me.
We spent to next hour in light conversation as I got ready, and then moved to the living room as I waited for Jeff to pick me up. When the light knocking sounded on the door, I couldn’t help but jump slightly. “He already knows about everything. You deserve a fun night,” Megan pushed me towards the door. “Don’t worry about me,” she gave me a tiny shove and I tripped as I stumbled to the door. I reached out and slowly turned the knob, but I wasn’t prepared for what was on the other side.
Jeff was standing there with his hands in his pockets as he rocked back on his heels. He was wearing dark jeans with a grey sweater that fit his shoulders perfectly. His head was down, but his hair was styled and dark boots covered his feet. “Hi,’ he looked up at me and a soft smile tugged at his lips. “Wow,” he breathed as he stared at me. I’d pulled my hair up in a ponytail and curled it. I’d gone light on my makeup except my lips. I’d chosen a deep red lipstick to match my red sweater. I stepped back slightly to let him in as I turned to get my coat.
“Do I not need this?” I held out the peacoat toward him. He wasn’t wearing one, but I thought he’d said we’d be outdoors.
“Mine’s in the car. It’s pretty cold out,” he chuckled. I nodded as I slipped it on. The temps had been dropping fast. Winter was here, and even though we hadn’t gotten snow yet, I could sense it was coming. “All set?” he stepped to the door and I grabbed my purse.
“Sure,” I bit my lip as I stepped past him and into the hallway. My nerves had me on high alert and even though I knew this was Jeff, and not someone like Leo, I couldn’t help the shakiness of my voice or the way I trembled near him. I was done hiding my fear. I’d had to swallow it so many times over the last month. I needed to let him see the real me if anything was to come of this. If he couldn’t accept me for me, then we wouldn’t work.
“Relax,” he whispered as he placed his hand on the small of my back. “It’s just me,” he began leading me toward the stairs. I couldn’t help but think about the way he was touching me. It was almost protective, and that slight reassurance made me believe that tonight might go better than I thought.
Chapter 19
Lena
When we stepped outside of my apartment building, a sleek black Mercedes was parked next to the curb with its blinkers on. I stumbled to a stop when Jeff led me over to it. He opened the passenger door, and motioned for me to get in.
“Who’s car is this?” my eyes went wide. Every time I’d seen him he’d been driving a Mustang.
“Mine,” he shrugged.
“But?” I wrinkled my forehead as I stood there staring at him.
“The ‘stang is my work car. This is for special occasions,” he winked as his lips curled into a smile. I slowly lowered myself into the passenger seat as he closed the door. He jogged around to the driver’s side and slipped in. I watched as he started the car and pushed a few buttons on the steering wheel. “Let me know if you get too warm,” he glanced at me before turning back toward the road and pulling into traffic. Within minutes I felt my butt begin to get warm.
“Heated seats?” I turned surprised eyes on him.
“Nice, huh?” he chuckled. “This baby does it all.” One hand left the steering wheel to caress the dash. “She doesn’t get driven much. I’m usually on the bike or in the Mustang. I thought you would like her better though.”
“Mm hmm,” I glanced out the window to see we were heading downtown. Jeff maneuvered the car through the streets with expertise. I’m sure it came from his years as a beat cop. I know Tiff always talked about how Jase knew Chicago like the back of his hand. She’d learned some pretty cool short cuts over their time together. I, on the other hand, always walked or took the L.
“I was thinking dinner
first, and then entertainment,” Jeff pulled into a parking space on the street before turning to face me.
“Sounds good,” I twisted my hands together. I don’t know why my nerves were kicking in so bad, but I had to keep reminding myself that he was a nice guy. Maybe after we’d gotten through dinner things would change.
Jeff hopped out and came around to get my door. He held out his hand, and then laced our fingers together once I was standing. He clicked a few buttons on his keys to lock up the car, and then led me over to the sidewalk. The wind was cold and I leaned into him for warmth as we walked up to the door of the restaurant. “Pizza?” I smiled up at him. I hadn’t had a real Chicago pizza in a long time.
“This is one of my favorite places,” he laughed as he opened the door for me. I shuffled ahead almost skipping with excitement. That gentlemanly gesture along with one of my favorite foods, was effectively squashing my worries. I stopped when I reached the hostess stand, and Jeff came up beside me. “I have a reservation for Horn,” he placed his hand on my lower back as the hostess smiled up at him. So much of this date was different than the last one I’d been on. When Leo took me out, he was more possessive whereas Jeff was being honorable. I knew they were nothing alike, and I vowed to stop comparing them.
“Right this way,” the girl turned and began leading us toward the back of the restaurant. It was dark with low lighting and candles on all the tables. It wasn’t super fancy though. The candles were in wine bottles that had been decorated with melted wax of all different colors. Red and white checkered cloths covered the tables, and the smell of pizza sauce filled the air.
“Can you tell Roberto that Jeff would like his usual?” he smiled at the hostess as we reached the table. The hostess nodded before walking away, and Jeff pulled out a chair for me. After I was seated, he moved to the other side, and handed me a wine menu. “I didn’t know what kind you liked, so I wanted to let you pick.”
Below the Surface (The Witness Series Book 5) Page 12
