by Scott Meyer
“Indeed!” Phillip said.
“And people paid to see these movies?” Jeff asked.
Phillip said, “Yeah. All the time. That was one of the first films my dad ever took me to see. It’s why I went into computer science.”
“So you could prevent computers from taking over?” Martin asked.
“That, or be on the winning side when they did,” Phillip answered.
Tyler stood and picked up his staff from the floor. He asked, “Well, is the next movie going to be more positive?”
Phillip said, “We’ll see.” He smiled broadly, which meant that the answer was almost certainly no.
Tyler groaned and said, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Then he teleported away. One of the chief advantages of no-cost teleportation was that you never had to use a strange bathroom again.
Martin muttered something about getting some fresh air and stepped outside.
The bottom floor of Phillip’s shop was where he read his crystal ball, made fake potions, and in general acted wizardly. The top floor was a chrome and plastic salute to bachelorhood in the mid-1980s, right down to the white Pontiac Fiero that was displayed like a coveted piece of art. In front of the Fiero there were two large doors that led to a deck that could also serve as a bridge for the Fiero to drive onto the hill behind the shop. Martin stepped out onto the deck, and suddenly he was back in the year 1153. Wood buildings with thatched roofs rested in darkness beneath a sky unspoiled by artificial light.
Martin was a typical young man from the year 2012 and couldn’t have looked more out of place. The only nod to his surroundings was his wizard robe, but it was covered with silver sequins and did not help. He took a lungful of the clean, cool air. Predictably, after a moment, Phillip joined him.
They stood in silence for a moment; then Phillip said, “It’s a shame Gwen couldn’t come tonight.”
“It is,” Martin agreed.
“I’m glad you’re here, though,” Phillip added.
Martin said, “Thanks.”
Phillip looked at Martin and asked, “Why couldn’t Gwen make it?”
Martin said, “Because she knew I was going to be here.”
“Ah.”
A long silence passed in which Phillip tried to think of what to say, and Martin hoped intensely that Phillip wouldn’t say anything. Instead, Phillip asked, “How long have you two been dating now?”
“Three years,” Martin answered.
“Yeah,” Phillip said. “I guess it has been. Ever since Atlantis, right?”
“Yup,” Martin answered.
“Have you considered maybe moving your relationship to the next level?” Phillip asked.
“Yes, I have.”
“And have you discussed it?”
“Yes, with you, several times.”
“How about with Gwen?”
Martin said, “Yes.”
“I see,” Phillip said. “And have you come to an agreement?”
“Yes. We agree that we shouldn’t move forward until she feels ready.”
“Ah,” Phillip said, nodding.
A silent moment passed; then Phillip said, “It’ll work out, Martin.”
“You’re sure of that?”
“Oh yeah,” Phillip said. “I mean, there are only three ways this can play out. Either she’ll come around, you’ll decide you’re fine with the situation as it is, or the two of you will break up. Any of those qualify as it having worked out.”
“That’s not very reassuring,” Martin said.
“I don’t know. Looks to me like a two-out-of-three chance of being happy. Those aren’t bad odds.”
Martin asked, “How are things with you and Brit?”
Phillip answered, “Great! Things are really going well.”
“Why isn’t she here?”
Phillip smiled. “She never comes to these things, Martin. You know that. She thinks it’s important that we both have friends and interests outside of our relationship.”
“But, you two are solid?” Martin pressed further.
“Yeah,” Phillip said. “She seems happy, and I know I am.”
Martin said, “Good. I’m happy for you.” Phillip could hear genuine emotion in Martin’s voice as he said it. Phillip was a bit amused that the emotion didn’t sound like happiness.
Phillip went back inside. Martin followed. Tyler had returned, and he, Jeff, and Gary were now completely filling the couch. Roy sat in one of the two easy chairs, and since it was Phillip’s place, that meant that Martin had lost the game of musical chairs. He chose to stand at the periphery of the seating area until the next movie began. He didn’t mind sitting on the floor, but that didn’t mean he was in a hurry to start.
Tyler dug a pen and a notepad out of his pocket and quickly scribbled something down.
“Whatcha writing?” Jeff asked.
“Oh, uh, nothing,” Tyler stammered, hiding the notepad away from Jeff. “Just an idea.”
“What is it? Another fantasy novel?” Jeff asked.
“No,” Tyler said, “I’m thinking of getting away from fantasy for a while. It’s just an idea that occurred to me. It’s probably nothing.”
“Come on,” Jeff pressed him. “What is it?”
Tyler shook his head. “I’d really rather not say, at least until I’ve had more time to flesh the idea out.”
Jeff said, “That’s okay. You don’t have to tell us your idea. Martin will.”
Tyler looked away from Jeff and saw that Martin had crept up beside him and read the note over his shoulder. Tyler snapped the notebook shut, but it was too late.
Martin said, “He wrote, ‘Inspiring tale of a rock star who loses his hearing. Title: I Can’t Hear You.’ ”
Jeff said, “Hey, that’s not bad.”
“Yeah,” Gary agreed. “I’ve seen movies with worse stories. Just tonight, in fact.”
Phillip pressed a button on the front of the surprisingly large VCR that was attached to his surprisingly small television. A metal and plastic cradle rose smoothly out of the top of the machine on complex and fragile-looking scissor-action arms. Phillip removed one rattling black plastic tape from the cradle and slid another into its place before firmly pressing the cradle back into the top of the machine with a loud mechanical click.
Phillip turned to face the group, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
“Okay,” he said, “who’s ready for the next movie?”
Tyler asked, “Does this one have a happy ending?”
Phillip shrugged theatrically. “Depends what you mean by a happy ending.”
Gary asked, “Do the good guys win?”
“That depends on what you mean by winning.”
Jeff said, “Getting what they want.”
Phillip thought for a moment, then said, “Ah, then no. The good guys don’t win.”
The three wizards on the couch groaned.
Phillip said, “Look, it’s a science fiction movie that was huge in its day, but I suspect you haven’t seen it. It can’t have aged very well. They made a few sequels to it, so you’ll all like that, and it has one of the most shocking endings you’ll ever see.”
That got their attention, particularly Gary’s. “Okay,” Gary asked. “What’s it called?”
Phillip said, “Planet of the Apes.”
The three on the couch exploded in an even louder chorus of groans.
“What?” Phillip asked. “You’ve heard of it?”
“Yeah,” Martin said. “They remade it. A couple of times now.”
Jeff said, “Actually, first they reimagined it. Then they rebooted it.”
Roy scowled and asked, “Jeez, doesn’t anybody in the future have any ideas of their own?”
Martin said, “We have plenty of ideas. It’s just t
hat most of them involve stuff that already exists.”
“But why not make something new?” Roy asked.
Martin answered, “I think they’d rather make money.”
Phillip said, “Okay, okay. Fine. You don’t want to watch the Planet of the Apes. That’s not a problem. I have another movie here that I know you haven’t seen. It’s called The Wicker Man.”
Martin sighed and looked to Jeff, who was from a time after Martin’s, and would be aware of the remake. Martin and Jeff had barely made eye contact when Jeff, Tyler, and Gary all disappeared.
“Huh,” Martin said. “I know the remake wasn’t that good, but just taking off seems like an overreaction.” He turned to look at Phillip and found him gone as well.
“What the hell just happened?” Roy asked, rising from his seat.
Martin said, “They disappeared.”
Roy said, “Well, I knew that.”
“Then why’d you ask?” Martin replied.
3.
Gary, Jeff, and Tyler materialized. Because the couch upon which they had been sitting did not materialize with them, they immediately fell to the ground. Because they had not expected to teleport, they wallowed around on the ground in confusion. Because they had been sitting next to each other on a couch, their confused wallowing resulted in a tangle of arms and legs, and a great deal of alarmed cursing.
Phillip materialized at the exact same moment as his three friends, but he had been standing before the teleportation, so he was in a better position to handle the surprise with dignity. He could tell that they were standing on stone, and that it was darker and colder than the night had been back home in Leadchurch.
Phillip pulled his open wizard robe shut, looked down at Gary, and asked, “What is this?”
Gary’s love of practical jokes was legendary. Not his skill in executing them, just his love of them. Before discovering magic, his idea of a great joke was placing a flaming bag of dog poop on someone’s doorstep. After discovering magic, he graduated to transporting the flaming bag of dog poop into the house. Thus, whenever something happened that was simultaneously inexplicable and not at all funny, all eyes turned to him.
Gary said, “I don’t know. No idea.” He, Tyler, and Jeff had got their bearings, and pulled themselves to their feet.
“Seriously,” Phillip persisted. “What is this?”
Gary said, “I’m telling you, Phillip, I didn’t do this.”
“And I’m supposed to believe that?” Phillip asked.
“Did we land in anything nasty?” Gary countered. “No. Looks like we didn’t. Does that sound like my style?”
Phillip had to admit, it didn’t. “Then who did this? Any of you know?”
Tyler, in a low, angry tone, said, “Let’s ask him.” He pointed to the ground behind Phillip. Phillip turned and saw Jimmy, the one wizard who was trusted even less than Gary. Of course, Gary’s greatest offense was pulling pranks on all of them. Jimmy had attempted to kill all of them, was exiled to the future, and after thirty years, fought and lied and tricked his way back. Now he was here, lying on the ground, wearing dark blue pajamas and holding a paperback copy of Getting Things Done.
“What is this?!” Phillip bellowed. Tyler, Jeff, and Gary moved to stand beside Phillip, and they all looked down at Jimmy, a unified front of accusation.
Jimmy sat up, coughing and gasping for air. He put the hand holding the book down to support himself and held up one finger of the other hand in an attempt to stave off their questions until he’d caught his breath.
Tyler growled, “Start explaining, Jimmy, and it’d better be good.”
Jimmy waved his free hand and croaked, “My bed. It’s, like, three feet high. When I materialized, I landed flat on my back. Knocked the wind out of me.”
“Why’d you bring us here?” Phillip barked.
Jimmy chuckled, looked at what he was wearing, and said, “I wanted to show you all my pajamas. I’m really proud of them. Also, I was hoping you’d read my book to me. If you’d just do the part about managing multiple to-do lists, I think it’d really help me go to sleep.”
Jeff said, “That’s enough with the smart remarks.”
Jimmy stood up, examining his clothes and his new surroundings. His white hair was a mess. He was still off balance but he moved with a speed that was impressive for a man who was physically in his sixties. He said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything else to offer you. Come on, guys. You can’t honestly believe that I did this. Think about it. I’m still on permanent probation. You’ve only given me a few powers and you’re monitoring me at all times. Even if I did want to harm any of you, which I don’t, it’d be pointless. I might as well just exile myself.”
The other wizards muttered grudging agreement, which was the closest thing to approval Jimmy got these days.
The five of them stood in confused, angry silence, peering into the darkness around them. As their eyes adjusted, they could see that the granite knob on which they stood was in fact the peak of a massive monolithic rock, somewhere high in the mountains. The silhouetted horizon looked like the teeth of a poorly made saw. Three sides of their rock ended abruptly in a fall that meant certain death. The fourth side narrowed into a precarious bridge leading to the dense pine woods that clung to the side of another large mountain.
After several seconds, the howling of the wind was drowned out by a mind-bendingly loud voice, which shouted, “Silence!”
The men covered their ears and fell to their knees. Even its echo was deafening. As the word reverberated over and over, Gary whimpered, “We were silent.”
The voice repeated, “I said silence!” The sound was so intense the wizards actually felt it hit them, as if the sound had mass and weight. Again the voice echoed in the vast open space surrounding them. As the sound died in the distance, Phillip moaned, “You saying ‘silence’ is literally the loudest thing I’ve ever heard.”
A light appeared in front of the wizards. It flickered and nearly disappeared; then it grew stronger. As their eyes adjusted, they could see that it was a flame, surrounded by a lantern, held by an old man with wild hair, eyes that were milky and white, and teeth that were not. His clothes looked well worn, but not well cleaned.
“Soon it will be dawn,” the old man said, “and your quest will begin.”
Jimmy removed his hands from his ears and asked, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“Aye,” the old man replied. “You’re going on a quest. A quest full of danger, and peril, and risk of life and limb.”
Jeff said, “All that, huh?”
Gary shook his head. “Yeah, no thanks.” Years of being nearly invulnerable had given the wizards a certain disrespect for threats that came from anyone but another wizard.
“First,” the old man continued, “you’ll brave the dangers of Cardhu Pass. If you survive, you’ll make your way to the cursed Mines of Mortlach. There, you will seek out Blandoch, head of the mining guild.”
Tyler said, “Um, no, pretty sure we won’t.”
“The miners will give you a sample of a mystical ore called dailuaine. You will take this splendid rock many miles, to the town of Bowmore, where it will be used to craft a weapon fit for use in the final battle.”
“That’s it?” Jeff asked. “That’s the quest? That’s like three things.”
“Take a moment to prepare, adventurers, and be warned. On your journey, you will face death a thousand different ways,” the old man continued, oblivious.
“Three different ways,” Gary corrected.
“If that,” Tyler added. “I mean, go to a mine, get a rock, and carry it to a town. None of that sounds dangerous.”
“It does sound like a lot of work, though,” Phillip said. He turned back to the old man. “I’m sorry, we’re going to pass, thank you.”
The old man was giving them a shrewd,
appraising look, which dragged on a bit longer than necessary. Finally, he said, “I can see you are men of valor. Which of you shall lead his fellows on this quest?”
Jimmy said, “None of us, because we aren’t doing it. I mean, I’m sorry, guys, I don’t speak for everyone, but that’s the impression I get. We definitely aren’t doing it, right?”
The other men nodded, then waited to see how the old man would react to this. He continued looking over the group, as if judging their mettle. After a long moment, he said, “I can see you are men of valor. Which of you shall lead his fellows on this quest?”
“We said we aren’t doing it,” Phillip replied. He turned to the others and said, “Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s see about going home.”
Jimmy said, “Well, that’s going to be hard, since we got transported here without our staffs or our hats.”
It was true. Phillip, Tyler, Gary, and Jeff had been enjoying a relaxed evening and had removed their hats and laid down their staves and Jeff’s wand. Jimmy had clearly called it an evening early and had settled in for bed when he’d been pulled away. As far as Jimmy could tell, everything he had said was accurate. He couldn’t figure out why the other men looked so pleased.
Jimmy asked, “What? What’s funny?”
Jeff said, “You’re the only one who needs to have the hat and staff to do magic anymore. We fixed that little weakness after you got the drop on us.”
“Well, why didn’t you include me?” Jimmy asked.
“Because you might try to get the drop on us again,” Phillip replied.
Jimmy was chagrined, but it didn’t last long, as their conversation was interrupted by the old man, who said, “I can see you are men of valor. Which of you shall lead his fellows on this quest?”
The wizards slowly turned to look at him. He was standing in the same spot. His arms were in the same position. The arm holding the lantern up showed no sign of fatigue. He just stood there, head moving slightly, as if he were studying the wizards, who had not changed one bit since he had started studying them several minutes earlier.
Tyler said, “I’m pretty sure he’s not real.”
Jeff said, “Yeah. He’s computer-generated. They did some pretty sophisticated bump-mapping, but even in this light you can see the polygons if you look hard enough.”
