“Yes, I suppose we do as it’s my last. I’ll put Brent down.”
Juan shook his head. “Let me. I want to remember everything about this young boy who calls me Papa. I’m going to miss him more than I ever imagined.”
Sonia nodded.
Juan took his time getting Brent changed and tucking him in. He sat on the side of the bed and stared at him, wanting to remember everything about him. He’d never be a father to any other child, and emptiness filled his heart. Leaning over he kissed Brent’s cheek.
Brent gave a contented smile as he closed his eyes.
Juan took a deep fortifying breath before he had to try to talk Sonia out of going. He had no idea how it would go.
She looked up at him as he entered the room and smiled hesitantly.
He smiled back and sat next to her on the settee. “Are you sure you’re all right? When did that loser show up?”
Her lips twitched when he said loser. “He was here right before sunrise. I heard the clatter of the pots on the wagon before it drove up. I didn’t realize it was him until I went outside, but he didn’t recognize me…or at least he pretended he didn’t. I stayed in most of the day, and Brent was so out of sorts. I finally got him to nap, and I needed fresh air. I looked out the window first and Arthur wasn’t out there, so I figured it was safe.” A look of sadness entered her eyes. But he had recognized me, and he came looking for me. He had some very nasty things to say about my loose morals. Then he wanted me and Brent to travel with him. According to him, I’m a great liar and could easily sell his wares.” Her hands shook, and she clasped them together.
“He saw Brent and he knew. He knew he was…was his. But he thought he was born slow, and that since I was here with you I must be living in sin. Oh, Juan he only wanted me because he hated my mother. He never really wanted me. I’m a fool.” She bowed her head as crimson bloomed across her cheeks. “He said I have no morals, but I told him that God forgives, and he laughed.” She lifted her head and met his gaze, a small smile playing on her lips. “I was so afraid, but you came in and saved me.”
“So he didn’t…” He closed his eyes as heat washed over his face, then opened them again and looked into her eyes.
“No, but he planned to. He thought for sure you were spending another night out under the stars.” Her mouth twisted into a wry grimace. “He’s right though. I’ve made too many mistakes to ever claim I’m a good woman. I’m a ruined woman, who belongs in a brothel.”
He handed her a clean bandana when she began to cry. He was at a loss. What was he supposed to say?
“A new start, a new husband, a new town will be just what I need,” she said between sobs. “Do you believe that God forgives a person if they repent? Do you think He gives second chances?” She was biting her lip so hard he was afraid it would start to bleed.
He put his arm around her and guided her head to his shoulder. “I believe if you are truly sorrowful for what you have done and ask God’s forgiveness He cleanses you of your sins. But I also believe that it—what happened with Arthur—wasn’t your sin. You were but a child and Arthur knew what he was doing when he seduced you. You are a good, kind, loving woman, and if people can’t see that then they are blind. You’ve managed to survive when others would have given up.”
He must have said something right. She shuddered out a huge sigh, and it sounded like a sigh of contentment, and then she snuggled closer to him. He would miss her for the rest of his life. He knew it for a fact. With each lonely morning and each lonely evening, he’d wish she was at his side.
“How set are you on marry David Winstone?”
“I accepted his proposal. He’s expecting me.”
He was quiet for a long while. Why didn’t he have enough confidence to ask her to stay? The fear of her rejection was all consuming. He didn’t suggest getting some sleep, though. He wanted to hold her for as long as possible.
“What are you thinking about?” she asked.
“Not much really.”
“The expressions on your face keep changing. You’re thinking about the horses aren’t you?”
It would be easy to say yes, but he’d been a coward for too long. “I was thinking about you.” He stared straight ahead, afraid to see her face.
“I was thinking about you too. In a few years, you’ll have Carlos here. You’ll forget you ever met me. You’ll meet a fine woman to make your wife and have a family.”
“So you have my life all figured out for me, do you?” he teased as his heart squeezed in pain.
“You are the finest, most handsome man I’ve ever known, and I’m thankful you came into my life.”
He took a deep breath. It was speak up now or never time. “Yet you want to leave me.”
She pulled away and stared into his eyes. “Isn’t that what we decided was for the best? You don’t want me here. Your business would suffer, and I’d never forgive myself.”
“I’d rather have you than more horses. But like I said before, people will buy my horses.” He caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers and was rewarded when she leaned into his touch. “Tell me, Sonia, tell me your dreams.”
She smiled. “No one has ever asked me what I wanted before, let alone if I even had dreams. I do have dreams, but I know they won’t come true, so I’ll be off tomorrow on a new adventure.”
He stiffened. “Was there someone from town you had your eye on before everything happened?”
“No, nothing like that. I was a bit shy and had never even held a boy’s hand before.”
“I wish I was a different man. One you could be proud to have as your husband.” Pain stabbed at his heart. “But I understand.”
Her eyes widened and anger filled her eyes. “I’ve told you before Juan Settler, you being Mexican makes no difference to me. It’s not even an issue, and I’d be proud to have your children.”
“I don’t think you really know what it would mean. You wouldn’t be invited to sewing parties or asked to help out at a town picnic. I’m used to it, but you shouldn’t have to suffer because of me. If we had babies, they’d be beautiful, but people wouldn’t treat them the same as the other children. Kids would throw rocks at them and tell them to go back to Mexico even though they’d be born in America.”
She took his hand. “Is that what happened to you?”
He nodded as painful memories constricted his chest, making it hard to breathe.
“I’m sorry people have been so cruel to you. But I don’t know if you realize it…you’re taking it out on me. You think the same thing will happen if you married me.” She shook her head.
She didn’t understand and she never would until it was too late. He’d have to let her go for her own good. “I’ve had a long day, and I’m exhausted.”
Sonia pulled away and stood. Her eyes showed her disappointment in him, but he was doing her a favor. “Good night, Juan. Will you be here to see me off?”
“It might be easier for Brent if I make myself scarce.”
“I understand. I’ll see you for breakfast then. Good night.” Her shoulders sagged as she walked into the bedroom.
Everything within him wanted to ask her to be his wife, but he couldn’t. He wanted to, oh did he want to. Pain threatened to consume him. He needed to be up and out before she woke.
Chapter Eight
Sonia tossed and turned most of the night. She’d have circles under her eyes come morning, but it couldn’t be helped. Finally, the sun started to make an appearance, its faint light filtering through the window, so she got out of bed and quickly dressed. She didn’t want to miss Juan. It was going to be so very hard to say good bye to him.
Satisfied she was ready to greet the day, she walked out of the bedroom with a smile on her face. To her dismay, Juan wasn’t there. He was probably in the barn, but as soon as she saw a piece of paper on the table, she knew in her heart he was gone.
Wave upon wave of heartache washed over her. She sank into the chair and reached for the note.
She didn’t need to read it. Her dream was over before it had begun. She read it anyway.
Sonia
It would be too hard to see you leave knowing you’re going to another to be married. At least for a little while I had you and Brent in my life, and for that I’m grateful. Go, make new dreams.
Juan
New dreams…perhaps he was right, but why did it feel like her heart was being ripped out? She carefully folded the paper and put it inside her valise. Then she made breakfast for her and Brent even though she didn’t have an appetite.
It was a six-hour ride to where David lived. He said he’d meet her in front of the general store. Six hours was far enough away, at least she hoped so. Brent was awake when she went into the bedroom to get him ready to go. Then she gave him breakfast. She wrapped up the biscuits to bring with them to eat along the way.
Greg hadn’t said who was driving her, and she hadn’t thought to ask. She set her valise and belongings on the porch and went back inside to wait for the wagon. The blocks that Juan had carved for Brent were on the floor. She swallowed back a sob as she gathered them up and went back outside to put them in the valise.
The wagon could be seen from the porch. It looked as though there was a passenger. Sonia hurried and picked up Brent and brought him outside.
“I’m going to miss you,” Mercy said as she gave Sonia a hug.
“Me too. Look after Juan for me?”
“Of course. He rode off before sunrise this morning. He took enough stuff to stay away for a while. He’s hurting.” Mercy kissed Brent’s cheek. “You be a good boy.”
Brent smiled and reached for Hannah. Just then, the wagon came close enough for them to see who was in it. To Sonia’s surprise it was Smitty with Scarlett at his side. Sonia wanted to groan out loud at the thought of six long hours with Scarlett. That girl hated Sonia and she hadn’t been shy letting her feelings be known.
Mercy laughed. “You don’t have to make a face. Scarlett is here to show me how to make a dress. I know how to make the simplest of dresses, but I have no sense of style.”
“Scarlett has a lot of style,” Sonia murmured.
“She made a comment at church about my plainness, and the minister suggested she help me by teaching me.” Mercy giggled. “I think it was to be her penance for saying such a thing, but I do believe I’ll be the one paying the whole time.”
“She’s nice deep down. She just shows a selfish façade to everyone. I think she’s afraid of being hurt. I knew a girl like her once. That girl was me,” Sonia said.
Before Mercy could reply they could hear Scarlett complaining to her father.
“Good luck to you, Sonia,” Greg said. “If you need anything, or if this David turns out to be a bad man, let us know. We’ll be there to help.”
Greg was the one who had thought David sounded like the best choice. Sonia furrowed her brow. “Thank you, Greg.”
“Did you want me to tell Juan anything?” he asked.
“I don’t know what’s left to say. He thinks no woman would want him, and I don’t want to ruin his dream by having his name associated with mine. You were right, Greg. It could hurt your prospects for a successful ranch.”
“I’m sorry I ever said that to you, Sonia.”
The wagon stopped, and Smitty climbed down and then helped Scarlett down. “All set? It’ll be a long drive.”
“Thank you for doing this, Smitty,” Sonia said as she put her bonnet on.
“You’re quite welcome. I need to check out your groom, you know.”
“It’s a burden, you know,” Scarlett said. “But if it gets you away from the family then it’s worth it.”
Sonia took a step back. The sting couldn’t have been worse if the girl had slapped her in the face. She turned to Greg. “Tell Juan that my dreams were here, and I never wanted to belong to the sewing circle anyway.”
Greg’s brow furrowed. “I’ll tell him, but he probably won’t know what it means either.”
But he would, Sonia knew.
After everything was loaded into the wagon, Greg helped her and Brent onto the wagon seat. Smitty flicked the lines and the horses pulled the wagon.
“I’m sorry for the way Scarlett spoke to you, Sonia. She’s been particularly difficult lately. She has a good heart, I know it. I’ve seen it. But these last months…” Sighing, he gave a sad shake of his head.
“You don’t need to apologize for her. She’s trying to figure out where her life will lead her and how she’ll fit in.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
They traveled for almost three hours, sometimes in silence, sometimes making small talk. Brent grew heavy and fell asleep against her shoulder. Sonia was nodding off herself when a loud cracking noise startled the horses.
“Whoa there…” Smitty reined them in. When the wagon ground to a halt, he muttered something under his breath and jumped down. More muttering, this time some choice curses that made Sonia blush. “It’s the wagon wheel. I know to always have a spare when going such a distance but I forgot. I can’t believe I’d forget such a thing.”
Alarm made her heart beat faster. “What can we do?”
Smitty took off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair. “The best bet is to stay right here since we have the little one with us. When we don’t show up by nightfall, I’m sure David will send a telegram inquiring about you. We’ll be on our way by this time tomorrow, I bet. I did pack bedrolls and food. But my head wasn’t screwed on straight this morning. Last night Lynn told me that we’re expecting again.”
A surprise gasp escaped, and Sonia smiled, happy for the couple. “That’s exciting news and a reason to have other things on your mind instead of a wagon wheel.” She handed Brent to Smitty before she climbed down. “And at least it’s a pleasant day.”
Smitty smiled. “That’s what I like about you, Sonia. You look on the bright side of things. You’ve been through a lot in your young life, but you carry on making a good life for your son.”
Heat began to lick at her face. “I’ve learned from my mistakes plus I love my son. Getting away will be best. I won’t be fodder for the gossips anymore.”
Sonia grabbed a blanket out of the back of the wagon and spread it out. She took Brent into her arms and sat him on it. Next she took out the blocks and put them in front of him. “We may as well have a seat.”
Smitty nodded. “I’m just not used to staying put.”
“Brent will keep us plenty busy.”
“I’m sure he will.”
Juan waited in the forest until he saw the wagon go by. He thanked God when he saw it was his pa driving. Sonia was in good hands. She’d get there just fine and get married and Brent would call another man “Papa.” His gut twisted.
“Come on, Journey, we might as well go home.” He turned the horse around and rode to his cabin. It would feel empty without her. She hadn’t spent much time in it, but he’d miss her all the same.
Juan was surprised to see Greg sitting on the cabin’s steps. He slid off Journey and sat next to him. “Did something happen?”
“Scarlett came by to show Mercy about styling a dress or something. Mercy made me promise I’d be within calling distance all day. I don’t want to be in my house, so here I am. I need to muck out stalls in a bit. I thought you were going to be gone for a while.”
“I have horses to train before getting new ones. I just didn’t want the hassle of saying goodbye.”
“Sonia told me to tell you that her dreams were here and she never wanted to belong to the sewing circle anyway.”
Juan closed his eyes and rode the pain out.
“Hey what’s wrong? What did the message mean?”
“It means she loves me. I wish she didn’t.”
“You don’t have feelings for her? You sure fooled me.”
“Greg, I’m not good enough for her. Everyone kept saying she had the bad reputation that she wouldn’t be good for me, but all that would eventually go away. But my being
different, my being a Mexican? That’ll never go away. I don’t want it to go away. I’m proud of who I am and where I come from. But you have to admit people show their disrespect to me all the time. She’s better off with that David fella.”
Greg shook his head. “Juan, sometimes you have to take a chance and hope for the best. If she loves you, her marriage to someone else won’t be an easy one for her.”
Juan took off his hat and slapped it against his knee. “You didn’t want her here, Greg. You’re the one who put the idea in her head that she’d be bad for business and for me. I wish you’d never told her that. She’d been beating herself up pretty good before that.”
“If I could take it back I would. I wasn’t sure her feelings for you were true.” He stared at the ground. “I’ll admit I thought she’d be nothing but trouble. She always seemed like she was running from her situation. But since meeting that Arthur, I feel differently. The whole ride to the sheriff’s office this morning he whined and complained about young girls and how they expected him to stay around after he took their virtue. The sheriff seemed to think he’d be left go in a day or so. Sonia’s father saw him, so maybe he’ll shoot him.”
Juan grunted. If it wouldn’t get him hanged, he would have shot the man.
“Sonia has been good for you, Juan. She makes you smile, and I think I even heard you laugh a time or two. You never really did either before, except with Carlos. Love can be found in the strangest of ways but when true love comes your way, you hold on with both hands and never let go.” He chuckled. “Heck, I wasn’t even sure how I felt about Mercy, but the judge insisted on marrying us to protect her from the other miners. And I love her with my whole heart. I never thought to be this happy. And with Hannah? Life is pretty near perfect.” He twisted his head and pinned Juan in a meaningful stare. “I can’t explain it, but my advice would be to go after her. I apologized to her for making her think she’d ruin the ranch.”
Juan swallowed hard to get the lump in his throat to leave. “She feels honor bound to marry since she gave her word.”
Juan Page 11
