“Yeah, maybe I should.” Scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration, Jake realized they were trembling. His entire body was on fire, aching with the need to mate, to possess. He wanted Rebecca, wanted to bury himself inside of her, to hold her, touch her, to take her to that place where there was nothing but him and her and the feelings they shared.
Oh yeah, he wanted her. There was no denying it. But this went far deeper than merely a physical attraction. He’d been attracted to women before. Hell, he’d had numerous relationships. But that’s all they’d been—physical relationships. He’d not allowed any woman to touch his heart, not since Diana.
He hadn’t been able to. Not by choice, but because his heart had been encased in ice after Diana’s betrayal. His own form of protection, he thought with resentment, realizing just how much Diana had cost him. But that ice, that protection, seemed to have melted the moment he’d touched Rebecca.
If he had any brains, he’d be heading for the hills, running as fast as he could.
But he made the mistake of looking at Rebecca, and saw not a dangerous woman he couldn’t trust, but a vulnerable, very fragile woman who needed him and his protection.
Whether she realized it or not.
She was scared and skittish, worried that a personal relationship would jeopardize her story, her objectivity. He could respect that, but she wasn’t going to be working on her story forever. And when she was finished he planned to be there waiting.
For now, there was no point in pressing the issue. It would only make her withdraw within herself again, something he didn’t want to have happen.
He knew now why she did it: out of pain and fear. He wanted her to learn to trust him, so that she’d know she had nothing to fear from him.
Not ever. He protected what was his, and he knew on some deep, elementary level that Rebecca would be his.
But looking at the determination on her face, he figured this probably wasn’t a good time to mention it to her.
It could wait.
As would he.
“Yeah, Slick, it’s late. I probably should go.” With a sigh, Jake reached out, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He glanced at his watch, not seeing or caring about the time. “It’s been a long day for both of us. But at least I know you had some dinner,” he said with a smile. “You won’t blow away with a good wind. At least not tonight.” He was trying to lighten the mood as he bent and picked up her plate, loaded it into the cooler along with the bottle of wine and his empty beer bottle. He straightened with a worried frown. “Are you all settled in? Do you need me to do anything? Help you with anything?”
Touched by his offer, she smiled up at him. “No thanks, Jake. I think I’ve got everything handled.” She rubbed her temple. It was throbbing again. Lightly, but enough to annoy. “I’m going to go in and try to get some more work done.”
“Tonight?” he asked in surprise.
“Writers are like vampires. We do our best work at night.” On impulse, she stepped closer and kissed his cheek, feeling it was a safe thing to do. “Thanks, Jake. For everything, and especially for understanding.”
He lifted a hand, aching to touch her, but let it drop to his side. “You’re welcome, Slick.” His gaze went over her face, touching every beautiful feature. “If you need anything, just give a holler.”
“I will.” She couldn’t stop looking at him. “Do you think you’ll have some time in the next few days to answer some questions for me?” She shifted her weight. “I have some things to do, but I’m sure the deeper I get into this the more questions I’ll have.”
“Yeah, sure, just let me know when you’re ready. I’ve got a meeting with a banker tomorrow morning, but I’ll probably be free by early afternoon.” Cocking his head, he studied her. “You want me to just come on by?”
She shook her head. “No, I’ve got to do some research in town at the library, and I need to talk to Tommy.” She smiled, hoping Jake didn’t realize she was trying to keep her distance. “Then I’ve got to try to get this first draft in some kind of order. Why don’t I give you a call and we can meet at the main house?” She didn’t want to be alone with him, and if they met at the house, at least she knew they’d be surrounded by people. That would be much easier and safer, she decided.
“Fine. Just give me a call.” He hesitated for a moment, as if he was going to say something else, but changed his mind. “Good night, Rebecca.” He picked up the cooler.
“Good night, Jake.” Crossing her arms, she watched him head down the stairs toward his pickup. “And thanks,” she called.
“You’re welcome.” He turned, flashing her a smile before climbing into his truck.
Rebecca stood on the porch, watching as he drove away. She touched her lips, still warm from his, and shut her eyes in remembrance, recalling how he tasted, how he felt in her arms.
No matter.
It couldn’t matter.
She couldn’t allow herself to get emotionally involved with him, couldn’t allow the emotions churning around inside of her free rein.
The memory of Jake’s touch, his kiss would be all that she would ever be allowed to have. Anything else would be far too dangerous. Memories would simply have to be enough, she decided, bending to scoop her glasses up off the porch.
She had a job to do.
And she couldn’t let anything or anyone get in the way.
Especially not Jake Ryan.
Chapter Seven
She was avoiding him.
After almost three days without hearing from Rebecca, Jake knew what she was doing.
And it bugged the hell out of him.
He wasn’t the kind of man women usually avoided. On the contrary, they were usually crawling all over him like a rash at an allergy clinic. But not Rebecca.
He wasn’t certain how much of what he felt was wounded male pride that she could dismiss what had happened between them so easily, or how much was just plain worry about what she was up to and what she’d been doing.
It had been a long, long time since he’d let a woman get under his skin.
And without a doubt, Rebecca had. That didn’t mean he appreciated being treated as if he was a mischievous male who’d inadvertently caused trouble and was therefore to be avoided.
Jake knew she’d been working, and working hard. Saddle Falls was a small town, and a stranger asking questions about the Ryans, especially a beautiful stranger, was bound to cause talk. Talk that had quickly made its way to his ears.
He tried not to let it make him nervous. She was just doing her job, he assured himself. Just as Tommy had asked. But still, there was this…annoying little worry that Jake couldn’t seem to shake.
Perhaps he was uncomfortable because he wasn’t accustomed to having anyone pry into the family’s private life, wasn’t used to having anyone so openly dig and poke into their past, aggressively asking questions, demanding answers.
He’d always valiantly protected the family from any such intrusions. So maybe that’s why he felt like a bear with a burr in his paw.
She was just doing her job, he told himself. But still, he felt left out; there was no two ways about it. He was suppsoed to be helping her, and he hadn’t even seen her in three days.
He knew she’d been talking to Tommy on a daily basis. And Tommy couldn’t say enough about her.
She’d actually driven into town and met Josh for lunch at the hotel in order to interview him, and this afternoon, she’d interviewed Jared as well.
She did get around, Jake thought, pacing the length of the patio at the back of the main ranch house. She’d talked to his grandfather, his brothers and just about everyone in town.
But she was avoiding him.
After dinner, frustrated and not knowing what to do with himself, he’d come outside to pace and think, try to decide what to do.
He wasn’t quite ready to admit he missed seeing her, especially knowing she was right here on Ryan property. It was much easier to deal with his perc
eived annoyance.
He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her, hadn’t been able to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, she was there; those beautiful haunted eyes, that incredibly enticing female scent, the touch of those fabulous lips on his.
It was driving him crazy.
No, she was driving him crazy, he mentally corrected. He couldn’t get her out of his mind.
And it annoyed the hell out of him, because he simply didn’t know what to do about it.
He couldn’t believe she could simply dismiss what had happened between them as unethical. Hell, he could think of a lot of words to describe what had flared between them the moment they’d laid eyes on each other, but unethical definitely wasn’t one of them.
Pride was the only thing that had prevented him from presenting himself at her front door. He didn’t want to crowd her, didn’t want her to think he didn’t trust her to do her job. More importantly, he didn’t want to spook her by letting her know exactly how much she’d gotten under his skin.
That would be…unethical, he thought with a scowl, realizing he was beginning to hate that word.
This afternoon, he’d almost punched out his brother Jared when he commented that Rebecca was definitely a looker, and he was sorry she hadn’t turned out to be the nanny he’d hired.
Jealousy had flared like a bright, greedy flame, seething in Jake’s gut, rising to his throat. His fists had clenched, and he’d all but jumped Jared before he realized what he was doing, and reined himself in, earning a very confused—yet knowing look—from his brother.
With a frustrated frown, Jake kicked a small pebble and sent it flying across the patio in the nearby scrub, letting his annoyance get the best of him.
And then, of course, there was the matter of her promise to him. She’d promised to let him read everything she wrote, and as of right now, he hadn’t been offered a single word. He knew she had to turn in her first draft tomorrow.
When the hell was she planning on letting him read it?
Was that why she was avoiding him? he suddenly wondered in concern, letting old suspicions rise and take hold.
No, he assured himself. He couldn’t think like that. He’d said he’d trust her and he would.
He just wasn’t used to feeling so off balance, especially about a woman. But then again, patience had never been his strong suit, he thought, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he continued to pace.
He was pretty sure he knew what she was doing. Cool, calm Rebecca. He smiled, envisioning her when she went into that detached mode and that look of cool disinterest crossed her features.
He smiled, wondering how she’d feel if she knew he thought it was absolutely adorable.
She probably figured if she ignored him, avoided him, whatever was between them would go away.
Wrong.
Definitely wrong.
He knew it as surely as he knew his name.
But how was he suppsosed to convince her of it? He’d thought he could wait until she was finished with her story, then woo her properly, but now he wasn’t so sure. The lady had a habit of withdrawing, and as much as he tried to understand why, it didn’t calm the panic he felt wondering if she’d withdraw—run—as soon as her story was done, not giving him a chance to prove to her just how ethical things could be between them.
“Got something on your mind, Son?” Standing in the open doorway, Tommy smiled at his eldest grandson.
Jake whirled at the sound of his voice, clearing the worried frown from his face and forcing a smile. “Just out for a nice walk, Tommy.”
“A nice walk, you say?” Eyes twinkling, Tommy slid open the patio door. “At that rate, Son, you’ll wear the soles off your shoes before nightfall.” He chuckled as Jake scowled.
“I’m just thinking,” Jake said, trying not to feel defensive. He wasn’t a man who brooded. It wasn’t his nature, but he knew he’d been brooding the past few days.
Tommy nodded. “Aye, you’ve the look of a man who’s troubled.” He stepped out on the patio, glanced up at the setting sun, then pulled out a chair and sat down, leaning his cane against the table. “Anything I can help with?”
Jake hesitated for a moment, not wanting his gradfather to know what was truly bothering him. Not yet, anyway. “Tommy, are you sure you’re comfortable with having the family history set down on paper for the whole world to read?”
Tommy’s face creased into a thoughtful smile. “Aye, I’m very comfortable, Son. As I told you, it’s time.” Tommy gazed out across the ranch land. “It’s been twenty years since Jesse disappeared,” he said quietly, and for the first time in memory Jake saw pain in his grandfather’s eyes. “Twenty years, Son, is a long time. There isn’t a day gone by that I haven’t thought of him and wondered.” Tommy sighed, leaning back heavily in the chair. “You know, Son, we’ve never spoken publicly about Jesse’s disappearance. Not once, not even right after it happened, when the press was everywhere, hounding us, all but chasing us out of our home. The authorities thought it best that we make no public statement and so we didn’t.” Shaking his head, the old man sighed. “We thought it was for the best, but now I’m not so sure.”
Jake looked at his grandfather in surprise. Tommy’s feelings for reporters were as strong as his own. “You mean you regret not talking to the press? Not letting them know exactly what happened?”
“We were never sure exactly what did happen, Son.” Sighing, Tommy rubbed his forehead. “But I’m thinking now that perhaps if we had discussed what we did know, if we had told our story to the press, someone who did know something might have come forward and maybe could have provided some information or some help.”
“Do you think that could still happen?” Jake asked with a frown, wondering if this was the reason Tommy had decided to have the family history chronicled.
“Hard to tell, Son. Hard to tell. It’s been two decades now. Don’t supposed there’d be much interest currently, but someone had to know something. Maybe it’s time we tell our story and see what crawls out of the woodwork, so to speak. Twenty years is a long time, but not so long that someone who was involved or knew something would forget. Aye, snatching a litle lad from his family is not something you’re likely to forget,” Tommy said.
“But aren’t you worried about dredging it all up again? About crackpots trying to take advantage of what happened?” As if they hadn’t suffered enough. The thought of someone else targeting the family and trying to take advantage of them was enough to turn Jake’s stomach.
Tommy smiled. “Worrying is a funny thing,” he said thoughtfully, pulling a cigar out of his shirt pocket and carefully pretending to examine it. “It seems like whatever we worry about, whatever we fear, becomes bigger in our mind than it is in reality, simply because our fear and worry magnify it.” Pulling a lighter out of his pants pocket, Tommy flicked it and lit his cigar. He took several slow, careful puffs, before absently blowing the smoke upward. Quietly, he watched it dissipate in the evening air.
Thinking about his grandfather’s words, Jake pulled out a chair and sank down in it. “So you’re not worried about Rebecca writing about Jesse’s disappearance?”
Tommy shrugged, looking at his cigar again. “What’s to worry about, Son? What’s done is done. We can’t change the past, can’t control the future, we can only accept the present and hope we learn from our mistakes. Who knows? Maybe some good might come of it.”
Jake frowned, weighing Tommy’s words against his own worries about the exposure his family might face.
“You’re wearing your coat of guilt again, lad,” Tommy said, reaching out and patted his grandson’s hand. “You’re carrying guilt that was never yours to begin with.” His eyes softened as he gazed at Jake. “It wasn’t your fault the lad disappeared. Not your fault at all.”
“Yes, it was,” Jake said softly, unable to meet his grandfather’s eyes. “It was all my fault.” He glanced down at his hands. “If I hadn’t complained about taking Jesse with us that nigh
t, if I would have just stayed home or taken him him with us, he—this wouldn’t have happened.” Blowing out a breath, Jake scrubbed his hands over his face, swallowing the black wave of shame that always rose whenever he thought about that night and Jesse’s disappearance.
“Nay, Son, it wasn’t your fault,” Tommy said gently, covering Jake’s hand with his own. “That’s what you never understood.” Tommy puffed thoughtfully on his cigar. “Whether you’d stayed home to watch the lad or even taken him with you, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome, only the timing. Fate, Son, is something no one can control or change. Not even a Ryan, much as we might think we can,” he said with a wink. Tommy took another long puff on his cigar, blowing the smoke upward before bringing his gaze back to Jake’s. “I believe that whatever happened to Jesse would have happened whether it was that night or the next.” Tommy shrugged. “So the guilt you’ve carried has been a burden you should never have claimed.”
Jake raised his head and searched his grandfather’s face. “What do you mean, Tommy?” It had never occurred to him, not in all these years, that Jesse would have disappeared—if not that night, then the next.
He’d always believed that Jesse had disappeared because of him, because he hadn’t stayed home with Jesse that night. Or taken him along with his other brothers.
Jake had always felt that Jesse’s disappearance was a direct result of his actions. If he had done something differently, Jesse would never have disappeared.
The ensuing guilt had almost eaten him alive.
“It wasn’t a coincidence that the boy disappeared, Jake. Five-year-old boys don’t simply vanish from their beds, from their homes, without a trace. And certainly not without a bit of planning.” Tommy tapped his ashes in the large, mosaic ashtray on the patio table. “Jesse was taken, Jake. Deliberately stolen. Someone was intent on snatching the boy, and it would have happened that night or another.” Tommy shrugged. “Something made it more convenient that night, that’s all. But there’s no doubt about it, it would have happened anyway.”
With Family In Mind (Saddle Falls Book 1) Page 13
